1 00:00:02,120 --> 00:00:04,760 ("RED DWARF" THEME) 2 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:43,670 Ten o'clock changeover. Anything to report? 3 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:47,595 We're still lagging behind Red Dwarf, sir, almost 24 hours behind, now. 4 00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:50,235 Other than that, it's been a moderately quiet shift, 5 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:55,998 except for one small shock a couple of hours ago when we noticed an alien invasion fleet off the starboard bow. 6 00:00:56,200 --> 00:01:01,513 Thankfully, it turned out to be one of Mr Lister's old sneezes that had congealed on the radar screen. 7 00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:04,479 - How are we fuel-wise? - Unchanged for today, sir. 8 00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:07,951 However, the supply situation grows increasingly bleak. 9 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:12,193 We've recycled the water so often, it's beginning to taste like Dutch lager. 10 00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:16,997 - We're OK for food though, aren't we? - Confidentially, sir, no. 11 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,913 We've no meat, no pulse and hardly any grain. 12 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:25,473 Worse still, the only Liquorice Allsorts left are those only little black twisty ones that everybody hates. 13 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:28,996 If that weren't bad enough, space weevils have eaten the last of the corn supply. 14 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,191 So what's under the grill? 15 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:33,391 Space weevil. 16 00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:39,595 You can't serve space weevil, Kryten. 17 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:45,597 I mean, not even Lister with his single remaining taste bud will knowingly sit down and eat insectoid vermin. 18 00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:48,195 Well, let's face it, it's practically cannibalism. 19 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:52,553 But it's incredibly nutritious, sir. After all, it is corn-fed. 20 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:57,672 - You'll never get him to eat it. - Trust me, sir. They say "the first bite is with the eye" 21 00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:00,275 It's all down to presentation. 22 00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:03,914 Et voila! 23 00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:07,440 - Changeover. Anything new? - Nothing much. 24 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:11,912 Electrical storm, alien war fleet - false alarm - the usual stuff. 25 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:17,439 Look at the state of this place! Why can't you ever clean up before we swap over? 26 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:21,679 What the hell is all this down the back of my chair? Peanuts? 27 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:24,315 No, I've been trimming my verrucas. 28 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:30,669 You have personal habits that would make a monkey blush! 29 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:35,351 You really think I'm psychotically disgusting, don't you? They're peanuts, OK? 30 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:36,716 - Real peanuts? - Yeah. 31 00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:37,830 Where'd you get them? 32 00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:42,735 Derelict a couple of months back. I found them in the dead captain's old donkey jacket. 33 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:46,113 Don't look at me like that! You enjoyed that mint imperial, didn't you? 34 00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:50,433 - And where did you get that? - He was sucking that when he got shot. 35 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:52,830 I had to prise his jaws open with a car-jack. 36 00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:57,879 You think I'll buy anything you say, don't you? 37 00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:00,634 Well, wrong, buddy! Now get outta here. 38 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:07,638 I gotta keep my eyes skinned for that asteroid shaped like a dancing moose you told me about yesterday. 39 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:11,834 - Hi, honey, I'm home. - Supper, sir, and tonight's movie. 40 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,550 I'm sorry, sir, it is another Doug McClure. Please don't hit me. 41 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:20,592 - What's this? - Sir? 42 00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:24,472 Raw carrot? 43 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:29,954 Kryten, you know how I feel about fresh vegetables. 44 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:34,637 They're for health psychos, vitamin freaks, people... who exercise. 45 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:37,511 I'm sorry, sir. 46 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:44,434 - Is everything OK, sir? - No, it's not. 47 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:48,833 Some smegger's filled in this "Have you got a good memory?" quiz. 48 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:51,116 But that was you, sir, last week. Don't you remember? 49 00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:55,911 - Was it? - Mmm. Look. 50 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:58,879 Nobody else spells "Thursday" with an "F". 51 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:02,718 I can't help it. I went to art college. 52 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:04,066 How's supper, Listy? 53 00:04:04,090 --> 00:04:07,670 It's delicious. Didn't think we had any crunchy king prawn left. 54 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:12,954 I hate to go all technical on you, but all hands on deck, swirly thing alert! 55 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:19,711 - Where? - It's not on the radar yet, but I can smell it. 56 00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:22,150 - Nothing here. - Nothing on long range. 57 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:26,553 Sir, is it possible you could have made a mis-smelling? 58 00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:29,758 Listen, butter pat head, 59 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:35,194 my nostril hairs are vibrating faster than the springs on a Spaniard's honeymoon bed! 60 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,175 I'm telling you, something's out there! 61 00:04:37,199 --> 00:04:41,515 Don't get your double-helix in a strict. No one's questioning your nasal integrity. 62 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:46,880 - Go to Blue Alert. - What for? There's no one to alert. We're all here. 63 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:53,156 I would just feel more comfortable ifI know we're all on our toes because everyone's aware it's a Blue Alert situation. 64 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:58,514 - We all ARE on our toes. - May I remind you about Space Core Directive 34124? 65 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:05,160 34124 - "No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity." 66 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:10,950 Damn you both all the way to Hades. I want to go to Blue Alert! 67 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:13,117 OK, OK. 68 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:18,429 Thank you. A bit of professionalism. 69 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,750 Wait! I've got something. I'm punching it up. 70 00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:26,516 Too small for a vessel. Maybe some kind of missile? 71 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:28,267 It's impossible to tell at this range. 72 00:05:28,291 --> 00:05:31,396 Whatever it is, they clearly have a technology way in advance of our own. 73 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:35,230 So do the Albanian State Washing Machine Company. 74 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:38,392 - Step up to Red Alert! - Sir, are you absolutely sure? 75 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:41,712 It does mean changing the bulb. 76 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:46,316 There's always some excuse, isn't there? 77 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:49,433 Range 15,000 gigooks and closing. 78 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:52,598 - Direct collision course. Suggest evasive action. - Engaging re-heat. 79 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:59,239 It's still with us! It's some kind of heat-seeker we can't outrun it. 80 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:02,796 That's it. We're deader than tank tops. 81 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:04,919 Suggestions? 82 00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:08,516 Sir, may I recommend I load myself into the reverse-thrust tubes 83 00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:11,240 and you use my body as decoy fodder. 84 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:15,917 This of course will leave me splattered across deep space and unable to complete today's laundry, 85 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:18,754 for which I apologise in advance. 86 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,639 Kryten, stop your blathering and get in the damn tube. 87 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:23,831 Kryten, sit down. 88 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,594 I'm not doing me own smeggin' ironing. 89 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:31,797 Look, maybe we can reason with it. Open communication channels, Lister. 90 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:38,195 Broadcast on all known frequencies, and in all known languages, including Welsh. 91 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:43,517 This is acting senior officer Arnold J Rimmer 92 00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:47,799 of the Jupiter Mining Corporation transport vehicle Starbug. 93 00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:51,237 Now hear this, 'cause it's only coming once. 94 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,950 We surrender, totally and without condition. Thank you for listening. 95 00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:59,398 Oh, additional. Sorry to take up your valuable time. Sorry. Thank you, sorry. Bye. 96 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,870 Bye. Sorry. Thank you. Bye. 97 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:07,200 Rimmer, you've got a longer yellow streak than a stampede of diuretic camels. 98 00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:12,911 Know this about me - like General George S Patton, I believe in reincarnation. 99 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:17,995 It is my firm conviction that in all my previous lives I've been a soldier, 100 00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:24,839 a bold warrior soul, who tragically in this incarnation has been given the body of an abject coward. 101 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:32,111 So excuse me, gentlemen, while I have a humiliating panic attack under the scanner table. 102 00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:35,959 - Here it comes! - Five gigooks to impact. 103 00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:38,157 Hang on to your wage packets! 104 00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:46,351 The controls are down! 105 00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:50,354 - What on lo was that? - Some kind of suction beam. We're being dragged down. 106 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:52,551 - Fire up the retros. - Dead. 107 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:54,279 - Auxiliary power? - Dead. 108 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:56,113 - Joystick? - Dead. 109 00:07:56,280 --> 00:08:00,558 The entire panel's deader than A-line flares with pockets in the knees! 110 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:04,960 I've located the beam's source. I'm punching it up. 111 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:19,856 So, what have we got? 112 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:24,299 Well, it seems we were snared by some kind of malfunctioning guidance beam 113 00:08:24,323 --> 00:08:26,616 designed to help docking supply ships. 114 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:29,473 - We've shut it down and we're free to leave. - Anyone around? 115 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:33,196 - No life signs. Nothing. - The ident computer is stubborn as a mule. 116 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:36,910 All I could get from it's pesky little ROM was something about classified military research. 117 00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:40,550 Wouldn't give me any details, but listen to some of physicists involved - 118 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:45,794 Heidegger, Davro, Holder, Quayle - some of the most brilliant minds of the 23rd century. 119 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:49,351 Whatever they were cooking up here, it must have been something pretty special. 120 00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:51,830 - Anything we can salvage? - There must be something we can swipe. 121 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:57,390 Well, gentlemen, our strategy is clear. Let's tool up and go shopping. 122 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:07,358 - What? Anything? - I'm not sure. Something. 123 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:10,319 It's almost off my nasal spectrum. 124 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,396 (WHOOSH) 125 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:19,879 - (RAPID BLEEPING) - Strange. A life reading. 126 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:22,031 Why didn't it register before? 127 00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:29,312 (URBANE VOICE) Welcome, my friends. It has been many centuries since I last had visitors. 128 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:31,710 You, of course, are Kryten. 129 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:36,118 And you are Rimmer, the hologram. May I? 130 00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:42,879 Now then... Yes, of course. 131 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:47,636 Primitive. 132 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:51,076 So basic. 133 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:05,280 You'd better have a mighty damn fine explanation for what you've just done, m'laddio. 134 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:10,554 Forgive me. I merely converted your projection unit from soft light to hard light. 135 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:12,159 Hard light? 136 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:19,832 I've got a body? I can touch? Feel? 137 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:23,032 Puncture repair kit on standby, sir. 138 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:27,313 - But how? - I created the hard light drive years ago. 139 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,757 My mind is not all that it once was. 140 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:35,634 - You, my friend, are Lister. - How come you know who we are? 141 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:39,834 - You are in pain. Here. - Nah, just a bit of Bangalore belly. 142 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:43,715 No. It is something more serious. May I? 143 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:45,359 OK. 144 00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:58,955 Your appendix. 145 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:02,829 As I thought, you were on the verge of peritonitis. 146 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,591 Cheers, man. 147 00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:09,591 - And you are the Cat. - You come anywhere near me, buddy 148 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:12,912 you'll be wearing them bowels as a bobble hat. 149 00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:17,956 You're all tired and in need of nourishment. Come, let us dine. 150 00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:21,915 - What is your name? - Call me... Legion. 151 00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:26,032 - (CHAMBER MUSIC) - Please, make yourselves comfortable. 152 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:29,039 Legion, these statues, you sculpted them yourself? 153 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,675 Years ago. I was... a different person then. 154 00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:37,239 According to my connoisseur chip, they fulfil all ten requirements for being masterpieces. 155 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:41,189 - You have a connoisseur chip? - Just because I look like Herman Munster's stunt man 156 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:43,431 doesn't mean to say I can't appreciate art, sir. 157 00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:48,874 - I shall return with the feast. - Can I eat? I mean, in this body, is it possible? 158 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:52,795 Mr Rimmer, in a hard light body, you can do anything a human can do, 159 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:55,190 with the added bonus that you are practically indestructible. 160 00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:56,716 I can't be hurt?! 161 00:11:56,740 --> 00:12:00,831 Your pleasure and pain responses remain the same, but you cannot come to harm. 162 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,798 Excuse me. 163 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:09,229 His cellular structure is unique - genetic strands I've never seen before - part living tissue, part mechanical. 164 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:13,638 We've got to persuade him to come with us. He'd get us back to Earth in weeks! 165 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:18,670 And what a team we'd make. Legion, with his scientific genius, intellect, culture and sophistication, 166 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:21,719 and us with... with... 167 00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:24,673 With our Red Alert bulb. 168 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:29,755 Let's flag down a black cab and head for Real Street here. This Johnny won't come with us. 169 00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:36,110 He'd never fit in. Can you see him joining in our late night sessions of "Pin The Pointy Stick On The Weather Girl"? 170 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:40,917 True, but once he's signed up and we're off in the big black, it'll be too late for him to change his mind. 171 00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:45,153 All we have to do is create the facade that we're not the uncouth morons you are. 172 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:53,233 Here is the feast. It is a traditional 24th-century Mimosian banquet. 173 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:57,149 How absolutely divine, Le-gion. Although I must say, 174 00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:02,394 our souls are already gorged, fit to burst with the feast of art laid out on your walls. 175 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,194 I wasn't aware you have an interest in art, Mr Rimmer? 176 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:09,261 Many's the night we while away the wee hours contemplating a Caravaggio. 177 00:13:09,285 --> 00:13:11,510 Discussing it's shape, themes and form. 178 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:14,280 The pointy-stick game doesn't get a look-in anymore. 179 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:19,714 Marvellous! Now, this three-dimensional sculpture in particular is quite exquisite. 180 00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:22,190 Its simplicity, its bold, stark lines. 181 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:25,432 - Pray, what do you call it? - The light switch. 182 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,675 - The light switch. - Yes. 183 00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:31,229 - I couldn't buy it, then? - Not really. 184 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:34,080 I need it to turn the lights on and off. 185 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:39,753 It's a pity, because if it wasn't a light switch, in many ways it could be considered a masterpiece. 186 00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:44,958 Kryten, please join us. Mimosian cuisine is quite acceptable for mechanoids. 187 00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:50,069 Indeed. It has long been a dream of mine to sample its unique flavours. 188 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,709 Let the meal begin. 189 00:13:54,960 --> 00:14:00,512 I'm sorry. Of course. Not all of you can use Mimosian anti-matter chopsticks. 190 00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:02,580 I'm fully versed, Legion. 191 00:14:02,604 --> 00:14:08,209 For my cooking duties, I'm programmed to be proficient in all known off-world eating techniques, 192 00:14:08,233 --> 00:14:13,118 including Jovian boogle hoops, and the often-lethal Mercurian boomerang spoon. 193 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:17,075 - But the others... - Anti-matter chopsticks? 194 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:22,758 - We use 'em all the time. - Can't even remember what a fork looks like. 195 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:25,554 Don't let a few congealed custard stains down Lister's long johns 196 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:28,189 delude you into thinking we're not sophisticated. 197 00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:42,360 The trick is, of course, to never, ever, under any circumstances, 198 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,399 to allow live sticks to touch. 199 00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:48,279 But, of course, we all know that. 200 00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:04,632 - Well, bon appetite. Tuck in, Listy. - No, no. After you, man. 201 00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:06,791 Wouldn't hear of it. 202 00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:29,033 Sir, you're creating a reverse field, try and keep the electron flow in the same direction. 203 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:32,195 How do you land the damn stuff? 204 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:36,194 Simply invert the ionic phase in the downpulse of the field margin. 205 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,994 I was with you all the way up to "simply". 206 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,191 Like so. 207 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:53,518 Sir, the glass is fixed to the table. It's Mimosian telekinetic wine. 208 00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:57,753 - So, how do you drink it? - You simply will the liquid into your mouth, 209 00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:00,753 and then you telepathically decide on its flavour. Thusly... 210 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:05,998 Ah! Delicious. 211 00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:13,193 Kryten, help me! 212 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:21,636 - Cat, that's mine! - I can't help it, bud! 213 00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:25,270 - Somehow we've crossed wavelengths! - It feels like you're pulling my teeth out! 214 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:28,353 - Try swallowing it! - I have! Three times! 215 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:35,840 My friends, I sense you are trying to impress me. There really is no need. 216 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,276 Legion, may I be frank? 217 00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:45,119 It's not often we meet an individual who we feel could improve our already pretty damn fine top-notch team. 218 00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:51,913 But in you, we feel we have. In all our travels, we've met precisely 31 individuals. Three. One. 219 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:56,358 and we've never felt moved to invite a single one to join our crew. 220 00:16:56,520 --> 00:17:00,639 True, most of them wanted in someway to suck out our brains 221 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:03,838 or erase us from history altogether. 222 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:08,676 But, nevertheless, they still weren't what we would consider the right stuff. 223 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:12,470 We feel that you are different. We feel that you, like us, 224 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:17,271 have the courage and the dignity it takes to make it as a Dwarfer. 225 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:20,151 Sir! Don't cross the chopsticks! 226 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:32,314 Mr Rimmer, I am moved by the eloquence of your invitation, 227 00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:36,678 but it is quite impossible for me to leave the confines of the Institute. 228 00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:41,789 - It was Lister, wasn't it? He put you off. - Is there nothing we can do to change your mind? 229 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:45,311 - Absolutely. - Then I'm afraid, we must bid you farewell. 230 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:48,313 - We have a long journey ahead of us. - Nonsense! 231 00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:50,596 You have no journey at all, my friends. 232 00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:54,913 I insist you stay with me you will be my honoured guests, 233 00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:57,799 from now until the day you die. 234 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:00,959 Thirty-two. 235 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:06,393 - This will be your cell, Dave. - My cell 236 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:09,473 You really are a nutter, aren't you? 237 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:15,032 Sugar Puff sandwiches, me favourite? 238 00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:17,635 I think you will find nothing here that isn't to your liking. 239 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:21,873 The entire room is stocked for your own unique personal tastes and requirements. 240 00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:26,079 Two dozen eight-packs and a spare pair of sneakers in the icebox. 241 00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:30,757 - Faultless. Not an inch wasted. - All your favourite music, all your favorite movies. 242 00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,275 Absolutely no Doug McClure. 243 00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:38,871 - You will want for nothing. - Nothing? What about company? What about people? 244 00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:43,631 There is a cyberpark in the complex. You may go to any time period of your choosing. 245 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:47,839 and indulge any fantasy you wish with any persons you desire. 246 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:51,954 And that's in some way supposed to make me happy? 247 00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:55,351 S-Sorry, run that by me one more time? 248 00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:59,479 You will meet your companions in the morning. 249 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:05,238 (SLOWLY) Now, you must excuse me. They are falling asleep. I must go. 250 00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:10,070 (FLAT CHORD) 251 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:13,356 Amazing. Doesn't even need tuning. 252 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:17,834 (CLASSICAL MUSIC) 253 00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:21,156 - Good morning, sir. - What does he want from us? 254 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:24,358 Why is he so obsessed with fulfilling our every desires? 255 00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:28,912 We're all equally baffled, sir. Was your room like everyone else's? Perfect in every detail? 256 00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:34,035 Impeccable. Right down to the overstarched pyjamas and nocturnal boxing gloves. 257 00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:38,433 - What about you? - Filthy walls, mud-streaked floors, mop and bucket... 258 00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,591 I was in hog's heaven, sir! 259 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:45,754 When I finally get round to writing my "Good Psycho Guide", this place is gonna get raves. 260 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:48,434 Accommodation, excellent. Food, first-class. 261 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:51,114 Resident nutter, courteous and considerate. 262 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:54,875 Psycho rating's gotta be four and a half chainsaws. Highly recommended. 263 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:57,879 Sirs, we must not be seduced by all this fine living. 264 00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:01,112 However munificent our captor, we are still prisoners. 265 00:20:01,136 --> 00:20:04,716 And with every second that passes we lose yet more ground on Red Dwarf. 266 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:07,474 You're right, Kryt. Cat, caviar niblet. 267 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:12,076 Buck's Fizz. Let's talk about how to get out of this hellhole? 268 00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:16,471 What do we know about this johnny? And why is he so keen on keeping us happy? 269 00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:19,367 Is it possible that our well-being is in some way linked to his own? 270 00:20:19,391 --> 00:20:21,669 What, you mean, like he's feeding off our emotions? 271 00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:25,157 Remember when we arrived, the scans recorded no life signs. 272 00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:29,433 Is it possible that our very presence here has, in some way, inadvertently awoken him? 273 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:33,713 Wait a minute. I think I've got a way of getting out of here. 274 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:37,589 Has anyone ever seen "Revenge of the Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls"? 275 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,350 I think that one slipped us by, sir. 276 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:41,968 Well, there's this one scene, 277 00:20:41,992 --> 00:20:46,238 where the good-looking, unconventional female journalist, who wore glasses and a tight sweater, 278 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:51,156 was trapped, deep in the bosom of the surfboarding killer bikini vampire girls' lair 279 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:54,278 and she came up with this truly award-winning escape plan. 280 00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:00,598 Ah, Legion. We have considered our position 281 00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:04,350 and decided our best option is to make a new life here with you. 282 00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:08,591 You truly believed I'd be deceived by that schlock plan 283 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:12,719 from "Revenge of the Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls"?! 284 00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:17,669 (GUTTURAL ROAR) 285 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:21,238 I just want you to be happy. 286 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:28,194 (ROARS) Now look what you made me do. 287 00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:34,679 - What the hell are you, buddy? - Kryten knows. 288 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:36,951 - I do? - You suspect the truth. 289 00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:38,924 You mean you are a gestalt entity? 290 00:21:38,948 --> 00:21:43,509 Not a single creature, but a combination of individuals melded together to form one? 291 00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:46,280 My name is Legion, for we are many. 292 00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:50,876 What? You're us? ALL four of us? 293 00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:54,710 Our combined minds and personalities, blended together? 294 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:57,594 Oh, much more than that, exponentially more. 295 00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:01,230 The whole becomes far greater than the sum of its parts. 296 00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:06,833 So we can't leave because you're us? You're created from us - If we leave, you cease to be. 297 00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:10,999 Without you, my friends, I am quite literally nothing. 298 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:14,795 So if he's us, he can't hurt us, right? 299 00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:20,246 Wrong. 300 00:22:20,270 --> 00:22:23,910 But this is insane. Hurting us is hurting yourself. Our pain is your pain. 301 00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:28,432 Kryten, you forget. Not only do I possess your combined intellects and memories, 302 00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:34,357 I also share the sum of your malice and rage and anger, magnified many times. 303 00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:39,151 I'm capable of quite insanely irrational behaviour. Watch. 304 00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:42,716 (ALL WAIL IN PAIN) 305 00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:47,357 The next hint of insurrection, and the scalpel ends up... here. 306 00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:50,439 Legion, that kind of tough talk doesn't scare us. 307 00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:52,876 (OTHERS) Yes, it does! 308 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:56,317 But what about the sculptures and the masterpieces and the technology? 309 00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:59,438 - Where does that come from? - My first incarnation. 310 00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:02,798 I was host to the five most brilliant minds of their generation. 311 00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:07,511 They were experimenting in collective intelligence. I was the product of that research. 312 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:11,104 Heidegger, Quayle and the others? The composite of their genius? 313 00:23:11,128 --> 00:23:13,272 Your mind must have been extraordinary! 314 00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:19,556 But all too soon, old age began to kill them, and as each one died, I became less, 315 00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:22,519 until I was nothing, just a mindless essence, 316 00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:28,437 swirling around the remnants of my achievements, waiting to exist again. 317 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:31,359 - There's just one thing still baffles me. - What's that? 318 00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:35,758 - Everything. - Sir, permission to test a supposition? 319 00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:38,110 - Granted. - Trust me, sir. 320 00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:46,510 - What's going down here? - The gestalt requires our consciousness in order to exist. 321 00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:51,754 Therefore, as each of us becomes unconscious, his power diminishes. Permission to 'lay you out', sir? 322 00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:55,038 - Do what you gotta, but don't mess up my hair. - Thank you. 323 00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:00,711 Kryten, there has to be a more escape plan than this. 324 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:04,111 - Sir, come back, you're just delaying the inevitable. - I can't help it, I'm allergic to being hit. 325 00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:09,958 You won't feel a thing. I'll render you unconscious using the lonian Nerve Grip. 326 00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:13,431 That's not an Ionian Nerve Grip. That's smashing me over the head with a vase! 327 00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:18,720 There's no such thing as an lonian Nerve Grip. Now stand still while I hit you! 328 00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:22,512 Your hard light drive's tougher than vindalooed mutton! 329 00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:27,440 - This'll do the trick. - You can't be serious?! 330 00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:32,630 Harder! Harder! Harder! 331 00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:38,318 Stop! Stop, stop. For God's sake! If you want a job doing properly, do it yourself! 332 00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:42,872 Stop! 333 00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:48,797 Stop, Kryten! Clearly, this is not working. I'm a hard light hologram and as such, un-knockoutable. 334 00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:51,190 - I think you're right, sir. - Kryten! 335 00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:55,069 - Sorry, sir, I just thought that if I took you unawares... - Kryten! 336 00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:58,949 I'm trying to think, you rubber-headed eunuch! 337 00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:04,069 - Right, got it. Turn off my light bee. - I can't sir. I can't penetrate hard light. 338 00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:07,596 You'll have to extract it yourself. 339 00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:13,078 - Now we are even. - I am merely you. Stalemate. 340 00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:18,673 Not so. Since the only ingredients in your psyche are mine, you are now incapable of malice. 341 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,798 And because a human life takes precedence over the life of any mechanical, 342 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:25,590 you are in fact compelled to assist our safe passage to Starbug. 343 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,952 As long as the others remain unconscious, your logic is impeccable. 344 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:31,276 (GROANS) 345 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:34,551 (CLUNK) 346 00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:39,993 - You take the Cat, I'll take Mr Lister. - In many ways, I'm relieved. 347 00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:43,318 To have shared their psyches, their neuroses, their strange drives, 348 00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:46,791 returning to a limbo state of non-existence seems like promotion. 349 00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:50,717 One last thing, in your original incarnation, when you were composed of all those great minds, 350 00:25:50,741 --> 00:25:54,830 did you ever develop anything which might assist our pursuit of Red Dwarf? 351 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:04,392 Here we go. Initiating ignition sequence. 352 00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:07,712 - Is this gonna work? - I see no reason why not, sir. 353 00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:11,271 All tests bear out it is indeed a fully functional stardrive. 354 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:14,155 If we've linked it correctly to the 'Bug's existing engines, 355 00:26:14,179 --> 00:26:17,356 we'll be able to catch up with Red Dwarf in a matter of nanoseconds! 356 00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:20,074 - Yeah, but it's bound to go wrong, isn't it? - Sir? 357 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:22,959 - It always does for us, every time. - He's right! 358 00:26:23,120 --> 00:26:26,317 There isn't a dog in hell's chance this stardrive is actually going to work. 359 00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:30,686 Sirs, haven't we learned over the past two days that if we all pull together, 360 00:26:30,710 --> 00:26:33,392 we can become greater than the sum of our parts, 361 00:26:33,416 --> 00:26:37,474 that if we are of one mind and one intent, there are no boundaries to what we can achieve? 362 00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:41,873 This stardrive is going work. Do we believe? 363 00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:45,789 - (THEY MUMBLE) We believe. - (FIRMLY) Do. We. Believe? 364 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:48,395 We believe! 365 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:51,669 (HISSING) 366 00:27:06,420 --> 00:27:15,416 (HOWLING WIND) 367 00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:18,319 - Well, we know one thing, sir! - What's that? 368 00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:20,517 It does work! 369 00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:26,277 # It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere 370 00:27:26,440 --> 00:27:29,671 # I'm all alone, more or less 371 00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:33,037 # Let me fly far away from here 372 00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:35,840 # Fun, fun, fun 373 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:39,550 # In the sun, sun, sun 374 00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:43,111 # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose 375 00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:46,398 # Drinking fresh mango juice 376 00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:49,791 # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes 377 00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:52,600 # Fun, fun, fun 378 00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:56,515 # In the sun, sun, sun 379 00:27:56,680 --> 00:27:59,274 # Fun, fun, fun 380 00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:03,513 # In the sun, sun, sun #