1
00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:04,713
("RED DWARF" THEME)

2
00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:39,231
(MUSIC: SULTRY JAZZ)

3
00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:50,034
Maybe it's the moonlight, but I've gotta
admit, you're looking pretty good for a corpse.

4
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:53,875
- Philip, I can explain everything.
- Let me save you the trouble.

5
00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:57,590
It was you who planned Pallister's murder,
but your twin sister Maxine squibbed him off.

6
00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:03,141
You decided to take the rap, knowing you had the perfect
alibi in me, that's why you came on so strong that night.

7
00:01:03,165 --> 00:01:04,951
Played me for the dumb sap I am.

8
00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:08,033
- Philip, it wasn't like that, not with you.
- Oh yeah?

9
00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:10,709
So what are you going to do? Turn me in?

10
00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:14,510
Watch me do the sit-down dance
in the electric chair at Sing-Sing.

11
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:17,917
No, sweet-lips. I'm gonna let you kiss me.

12
00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:33,874
Sir, I think you should come and take a look at this.

13
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:38,958
Sir, it really is quite urgent.

14
00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:42,078
I want you, Loretta, I want your body next to mine,

15
00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:45,392
I want you like you were that Tuesday night. Kiss me!

16
00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:48,830
Honestly!

17
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:53,790
Honestly, you haven't been off
this machine in a month. Oh!

18
00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:58,109
Philip, I don't understand.

19
00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:03,156
It's simple, Loretta. This isn't real.
It's an AR computer simulation game.

20
00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:07,194
I'm supposed to hand you over to the cops
and wind up with the goody-goody heroine.

21
00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:11,240
I've played it before.
It's just that you drive me wild.

22
00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:15,155
- You're the sexiest computer sprite I've ever seen.
- Oh, Philip.

23
00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:18,392
- I don't care that you've killed three men.
- Five.

24
00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:21,672
Whatever. It's not your fault.
It's the way you're programmed.

25
00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:27,552
So you take me for what I am? A psychopathic,
schizophrenic, serial-killing femme fatale?

26
00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:30,878
Forgive and forget, that's what I say. Pucker up.

27
00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:44,032
"Choose your character."
Oh, honestly! I just want to talk to him.

28
00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:48,876
Oh, anything... Sammy the Squib.
Crack shot with tommy-gun. Engage.

29
00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:51,475
Oh, it's so frivolous!

30
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,037
Mr Lister, sir?

31
00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:59,960
Hmm, curious.

32
00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:13,193
Hi, Kryten. What are you doing here?

33
00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:15,756
Sir, I've just got the
results of the chemical scan.

34
00:03:15,780 --> 00:03:19,157
I've discovered minute amounts of
millennium oxide in the local vicinity.

35
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,837
Couldn't be more pleased for you, see you in an hour.

36
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:26,358
Sir, I believe we've wandered accidentally
into a rogue simulant hunting zone.

37
00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:30,991
That would explain the devastation on the
derelicts where we picked up this very game.

38
00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:33,874
Philip, who is it? Oh, it's Sammy the Squib!

39
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:38,517
- Good evening, miss.
- Don't kill me, Sammy. I'll do anything. Kill him.

40
00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:43,959
I'll come away with you, Sammy. It'll be just like the old days,
I never stopped loving you, Sammy. Kiss me.

41
00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:48,515
- You're trash, aren't you?
- I'm programmed to be trash.

42
00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:52,116
I can't resist her, Kryten.
Get back in the car.

43
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:56,831
I never fall for women who were any good for me, Kryten.
It's either heartbreakers or moral garbage on legs.

44
00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:59,156
Sir, you have to turn off the AR console.

45
00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:02,836
We have to close down and continue
on silent running in order to avoid detection.

46
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:04,716
- Ten minutes.
- Sir!

47
00:04:04,740 --> 00:04:07,156
- Five minutes! I'll keep my hat on!
- Now!

48
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:10,997
Philip?

49
00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:13,834
I'll be back, sweet-lips.

50
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:15,718
Stay bad.

51
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,836
Kryten, you are a total gooseberry!

52
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:24,632
Next time I play on the AR machine. I'm gonna give you some money and send you to the pictures.

53
00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:30,833
At last, we have silent running.
OK, long-range scanners are down.

54
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,879
The only early warning we've got is you. Stay alert.

55
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:37,317
OK, bud. I'll keep my nose peeled.

56
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:45,755
You took your time. Where've you been?

57
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,110
- I was in the AR machine.
- Again?

58
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:53,759
- What do you mean, "again"?
- Everybody knows you only use the AR machine to have sex.

59
00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:57,640
- That is not true!
- Yes, true.

60
00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:01,919
It's pathetic watching you grind
away on your own... day after day.

61
00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:05,471
You're like a dog
that's missing his master's leg.

62
00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:08,837
That groinal attachment's
supposed to have a lifetime's guarantee.

63
00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:14,718
- You've worn it out in nearly three weeks.
- That is an outrageous, scandalous piece of libel.

64
00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,054
I don't just play
the role-play games.

65
00:05:17,078 --> 00:05:21,837
What about the sporting simulations
like Zero-G Kickboxing and Wimbledon?

66
00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:25,949
You only play Wimbledon because you're
having it off with that jailbait ballgirl.

67
00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:30,436
That is another total lie! She's not jailbait, she's 17.

68
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:35,519
Lister, she's a computer sprite, and surely
that's the point. She's just a load of pixels.

69
00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:38,149
Yeah, but what pixels.

70
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,790
- What's all the hullabaloo?
- We've wandered into rogue simulant country.

71
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:46,118
Biomechanical killers
created for a war that never took place.

72
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:48,317
Some of them escaped
the dismantling programme

73
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:52,075
and now they prowl around deep space searching
for a quarry worthy of their mettle.

74
00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:55,318
I say we should abandon pursuit
of Red Dwarf and flee from the zone.

75
00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:57,909
Give up the chase? You're kidding?

76
00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:01,311
- Wait. My nose is getting something.
- Powering up.

77
00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:05,718
- Scanners report a battle-class cruiser on intercept.
- It's rogue simulants, all right.

78
00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:10,475
Recommend immediate total
and unequivocal surrender.

79
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:16,270
Sir, surrender is the worst thing we can do.
They despise humans and all forms of humanoid life.

80
00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:19,279
They believe you to be the vermin of the universe, sir.

81
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:22,000
I didn't even know they'd met him.

82
00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:27,513
Getting a message. Punching it up.

83
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:29,830
State your species and purpose.

84
00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:34,750
One of us will have to speak to them.
Who's the least human-looking?

85
00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:37,196
Listy, the mic's all yours.

86
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:41,197
Wait a minute. I've got an idea. Stall them with static.

87
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:43,510
Kryten, mid-section. Cat, you too.

88
00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:50,757
Why do you delay? State your species
and purpose. You have one minute.

89
00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:56,154
- Lister, what the hell are you doing?
- (LISTER) Wait a minute, nearly ready. OK standby to transmit.

90
00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:00,911
- Incoming.
- (LISTER) I am Tarka Dall,

91
00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:04,675
an ambassador
of the great Vindaloovian Empire.

92
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:08,191
Scanners reported human life
on your vessel. Is this so?

93
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:12,792
Humans?! (SPITS)
The Vindaloovian people despise all humans.

94
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:17,193
They are the vermin of the Universe.
Is that not right, Bhindi Bhaji?

95
00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:19,351
(CAT) You bet. We hate them.

96
00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:23,354
Scum, scum, scum, scum, scum! (SPITS)

97
00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:27,309
The Vindaloovian Empire
has pledged to exterminate them all.

98
00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:34,751
- We will not rest until our task is completed.
- Er, Lister.

99
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:42,632
- Hi.
- How's it going, bud?

100
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:53,632
A human and a humanoid,

101
00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:58,715
a hologrammatical human
and a mechanoid who is a slave to humans.

102
00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:00,991
I had hoped for so much more.

103
00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:05,239
I've no idea who you are, but
boarding this vessel is an act of war.

104
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,596
Ergo, we surrender.

105
00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:16,519
And as prisoners of war, I invoke the All
Nations Agreement, article #39436175880932/B.

106
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:21,630
39436175880932/B?

107
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:26,710
"All nations attending the conference
are only allocated one car parking space"?

108
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:31,670
Is that entirely relevant, sir?
I mean, here we are in mortal danger,

109
00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:35,674
and you're worried about the Chinese
delegates bringing two cars?

110
00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:40,994
Can't you let just one go? I was talking about the right
of POWs to non-violent constraint.

111
00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:43,913
That's 75880932/C, sir.

112
00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:46,873
It's embarrassing as much as anything else.

113
00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:52,160
Here you are totally humiliating me in front
of this xenophobic, genocidal maniac. No offence.

114
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:58,112
Primitive. You will be no sport at all.
I have no alternative.

115
00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:11,878
- How long have we been out?
- According to the NaviComp, three weeks!

116
00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:16,358
Strange. The drive interface
has been upgraded. So have the engines.

117
00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:19,353
If this readout's correct,
we're armed. Laser cannons.

118
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,597
They've totally upgraded the whole ship.

119
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:25,634
They've even got rid of the
squeak on the seat tilt control.

120
00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:31,951
We have made some improvements to your craft.
Now, at least you may prove to be of some small amusement.

121
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:34,549
You have two Earth minutes before we attack.

122
00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:39,438
- Let's get out of here.
- Wait, I know this game, it's called 'cat and mouse'.

123
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:42,911
There's only one way to win -
don't be the mouse.

124
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,754
- What you saying?
- I'm saying, the mouse never wins.

125
00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:49,072
Not unless you believe those lying cartoons.

126
00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:53,549
We don't run. We strike.
It's the last thing they'll be expecting.

127
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:59,199
No, the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to
turn into ice-skating mongooses and dance the Bolero.

128
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,430
And your plan makes about as much sense.

129
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,716
- I say go with it.
- Agreed.

130
00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:09,438
You're gonna go with one of my plans?

131
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:15,039
Are you nuts? What happens if we all get killed?
I'll never hear the last of it!

132
00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:23,439
What are they doing? Power up the weapons.

133
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:25,199
- Nailed him!
- Fluke hit.

134
00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:27,550
- Take them with us.
- Can't return fire.

135
00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:31,037
Hack into their navigation computer.
Transmit the Armageddon Virus.

136
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:35,519
- What is it?
- The Navicomp. Something's wrong!

137
00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:39,594
See you in Silicon Hell.

138
00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:45,471
Shutdown all network links, the
Navicomp's been infected with a virus.

139
00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:48,479
The Navicomp's frozen us out.
We're locked on this course!

140
00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:51,234
If we carry on at this speed. How long before we hit trouble?

141
00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:54,990
Well, if you define trouble, there's a rather large moon directly in our path, about 38 minutes.

142
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:58,167
Sir, the only solution is for
me to contract the virus myself,

143
00:10:58,191 --> 00:11:01,158
analyse its structure and attempt
to create a software antidote

144
00:11:01,182 --> 00:11:03,160
before it wipes out
my core program.

145
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:05,357
Do I have your permission to sacrifice myself, sirs?

146
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:08,120
Do lemmings like cliffs? Granted.

147
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:12,830
- I'm going to have to create a dove program.
- Dove program?

148
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:17,796
A dove program spreads peace through the
system, obliterating the viral cells as it goes.

149
00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:20,159
I have it.

150
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:22,391
The virus is extremely complex.

151
00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:25,791
I will have to dedicate all my run time to it's solution.

152
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:29,635
Shutting down all non-essential systems.

153
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:31,950
Is there anything we can do, can we help?

154
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:34,350
Watch my dreams.

155
00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:45,716
- Twenty-three minutes to impact. Any change?
- Getting worse. Weaker and weaker.

156
00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:49,919
Look, sooner or later, we're going to have to face the fact that we're not all gonna get out of this in one piece.

157
00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:53,471
- Well, if we are, it's going to be one big, flat piece.
- And?

158
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:56,792
It's time we decided who's going
to take the one-man escape pod.

159
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,156
- How?
- If you'll just bear with me,

160
00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:03,791
I think I've devised a fair and equitable
system of choosing who should survive.

161
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:08,397
It's based on age, rank, seniority, usefulness...

162
00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:11,313
To cut a long story short, it's me.

163
00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:14,797
I was as stunned as you are,
which is why I demanded a recount.

164
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:17,759
But blow me. If it didn't come out as me again!

165
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:20,919
- Keys?
- Rimmer, the escape pod is not an option.

166
00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:24,118
- Why not?
- It escaped last Thursday.

167
00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:30,952
I was having a few beers and I couldn't be bothered
moving. So I used the release mechanism as a bottle opener.

168
00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:34,078
- Whoosh!
- That's it, then. We're finished!

169
00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:36,834
Wait. We're getting something.

170
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,839
(HONKY-TONK PIANO)

171
00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:49,710
(CAT) What is this?

172
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:55,193
(LISTER) I think we've tapped directly into
whatever passes for Kryten's subconscious.

173
00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:59,558
(CAT) Why is he a sheriff
in some old western?

174
00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:03,990
(LISTER) Must be how his core program is
coping with the battle against the virus.

175
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:09,479
For whatever reason, it's converted
the struggle into some kind of dream.

176
00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:12,918
Well, well, well, Sheriff.

177
00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:19,639
Fancy seeing a man of your sober disposition
in a low-down drinking establishment.

178
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:25,277
Now, now, boys. I don't want any trouble.
Just doing my rounds.

179
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,394
(LAUGHTER)

180
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,910
You shouldn't ought to have done that, Jimmy.

181
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,391
Why don't you try it, Sheriff?

182
00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:44,272
They say you used to be faster
than a toilet stop in rattlesnake country.

183
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:48,991
Sorry, I tripped over your boot there, Mr Jimmy, sir.
Didn't mean any harm by it.

184
00:13:50,540 --> 00:13:53,770
Give me two fingers of your best sipping liquor, Miss Lola,

185
00:13:53,794 --> 00:13:55,469
and make it the smooth stuff.

186
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:59,873
The stuff where you get your eyesight back
after two days. Guaranteed.

187
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:03,271
The Apocalypse Boys is here.

188
00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:05,756
They's asking for you, Sheriff.

189
00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:09,070
I'll be right out.

190
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:23,595
Ah, I don't believe
I've had the pleasure, sirs.

191
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:31,273
Name's Death. These here are my brothers.

192
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,517
Brother War...

193
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:35,711
Brother Famine...

194
00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:39,634
and Brother Pestilence.

195
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:43,879
Well you seem like a nice, neighbourly
bunch of boys. How can I be of service?

196
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:55,558
We want your sorry ass out of here.
You got one hour.

197
00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:12,000
He's losing the battle. Look at his
life signs, they're barely registering.

198
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:14,633
Isn't there some way we
can get in there and help him?

199
00:15:14,657 --> 00:15:18,151
Somehow turn ourselves into tiny
electronic people and get into his dream?

200
00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:21,790
Isn't there some sort of gizmo some place
lying around some place that can do that?

201
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:24,156
And if not... why not?!

202
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:28,115
Look, I think we've all got something
to bring to this discussion.

203
00:15:28,139 --> 00:15:31,081
But I think from now on, the
thing you should bring is silence.

204
00:15:31,105 --> 00:15:36,506
No, no, no.
I think he's got something.

205
00:15:37,330 --> 00:15:41,550
Twice in one lifetime?
When you're hot, you're hot!

206
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:46,313
If we link up the artificial reality console
to Kryten's mind,

207
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:50,633
we should be able to project directly into his
dream state like it was a normal computer game.

208
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:54,276
- What did I tell you, we don't even have to leave the room!
- What about me?

209
00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:59,514
We'll shut down all extraneous systems and power up your
hard light drive. Come on guys, let's get these wagons rolling.

210
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:08,114
There you go. I've loaded in the characters
from an AR western game. Choose a player from 1 to 3.

211
00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:10,430
- Two.
- Here you go, you're the Riviera Kid.

212
00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:12,716
Special skills, ace gunslinger.

213
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:15,473
- Rimsy?
- Uno.

214
00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:22,234
One. Dangerous Dan McGrew.
Special skills, barefist fighting.

215
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:29,236
Which leaves me
with Brett Riverboat, knife man.

216
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:35,032
- And we definitely can't get hurt?
- No, it's just like a normal computer game, you can get out at any time.

217
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:40,718
There's a button on the inside of your glove. When you want to get out, just clap.

218
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:43,998
OK, Riviera? OK, Dangerous?

219
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:46,993
Let's mosey on into town.

220
00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:54,074
(WESTERN-STYLE MUSIC)

221
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:20,153
I've seen westerns. I know how
to speak cowboy. Leave the talking to me.

222
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:29,799
Dry white wine and Perrier, please.
And what about you two chaps?

223
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:34,079
Rimmer, what westerns have you seen?
"Butch Accountant and the Yuppie Kid"?

224
00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:38,029
Leave this to me. This sounds like one for...

225
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:40,311
(MEXICAN ACCENT) ..the Riviera Kid.

226
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:42,676
(FLAMENCO GUITAR)

227
00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:46,938
- Ay, Senorita, tres tequila, por favor.
- What?

228
00:17:46,962 --> 00:17:51,421
- He means 'three shots of gulping whisky, ma'am.'
- Si.

229
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:06,838
- (CROAKS) Mighty smooth.
- I was expecting something with a little more kick to it.

230
00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:09,873
I don't suppose you've got any ginger ale mixers?

231
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:12,759
I'll take that as a no, then. I'll have it neat.

232
00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:23,869
(RETCHES)

233
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:36,753
A man beans up in the hat
of Bear Strangler McGee,

234
00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:42,120
he's either mighty brave
or mighty stupid. Which are you, boy?

235
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:44,834
Sorry, what were the choices again?

236
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:49,955
You'll have to forgive our friend,
he's a couple of gunman short of a posse.

237
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:54,237
That pays for the hat. Now, what about the insult?

238
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:57,478
OK. You're a fat, bearded git, with breath that could concuss a grizzly.

239
00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:01,036
Take the lot, man... Rimmer,
what is wrong with you?

240
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:06,274
Relax. You said yourself, Lister, no one can hurt us.
Besides, you're forgetting...

241
00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:11,116
(AMERICAN ACCENT) I'm Dangerous Dan
McGrew, barefist fighter extraordinaire.

242
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:20,633
Miss Lola, all my valuables are in this here box.
You can have it for one bottle of mind-rotter.

243
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:22,589
You're trading in
your shooting irons?

244
00:19:22,613 --> 00:19:27,314
No use to me. I got the shakes so bad. I'm like
a couple of porcupines on their wedding night.

245
00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:31,070
- Carrots?
- I'm throwing in my mule, Dignity.

246
00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:34,193
Mr Sad Git or what?

247
00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:38,671
Kryten, it's us, man.

248
00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:41,195
Sorry, friend, I don't
believe I've had the pleasure.

249
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:44,478
Kryten, don't you know who we are, why you're here?

250
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:48,918
You're fighting an electronic virus.
You're trying to create a dove program,

251
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:51,594
some kind of software antidote to wipe it out.

252
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:54,400
- I'll drink to that.
- Listen to him, hooch-head.

253
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:58,519
The virus is winning. You've gotta get
your head together and start fighting it.

254
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:03,870
Want a drink, Sheriff? Why
don't you come and take one?

255
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:07,112
Now, now, Jimmy. There's no need
to be going making me look foolish.

256
00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:11,518
Come on, Sheriff. Jump!
Well, you can get higher than that!

257
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,910
Leave him alone!

258
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:17,232
Just having a little fun, Mr Swankypants.

259
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:23,909
The name's Brett Riverboat, knife man.
Let's see how good you are.

260
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:31,400
Son of a...

261
00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:42,674
Frank, Luke, line his lungs with lead.

262
00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:49,112
- Who in the heck are you?
- They call me the Kid.

263
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:51,920
- The Riviera Kid.
- (FLAMENCO GUITAR)

264
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:56,637
Well, Riviera Kid, let's see if your
shooting's as fancy as your dancing.

265
00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:11,359
He shot the damn bullets out of the air!

266
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:16,469
Well, it's been mighty dandy meeting you boys,
but if I'm not out of here by sun up,

267
00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:19,911
the buzzards will be fighting the lizards
for my gizzards.

268
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,475
If he leaves town, we're dead. Stop him!

269
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:38,231
Vamonos, muchachos.

270
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:42,913
- Marvellous!
- Hey, buddy!

271
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:45,071
- Hold it!
- You gotta stay!

272
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:48,756
- This is a job for the Riviera Kid!
- (FLAMENCO GUITAR)

273
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,709
(CLUNK)

274
00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:02,399
But boys, you've got to understand. I've got to leave. Look, it's ten to Death.

275
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:06,878
OK, we've got ten minutes to sober him up
and get him in shape. Come on.

276
00:22:11,360 --> 00:22:15,797
- Sir, I just can't eat any more raw coffee.
- Two more bowls.

277
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:18,554
But I am sober. Honest!

278
00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:24,079
- OK, who are you and why are you here?
- I'm some kind of robot who's fighting this virus.

279
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:29,030
And none of this exists, it's all in a fever. Except for you guys, who really do exist,

280
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:32,670
only you're not really here,
you're really on some spaceship in the future.

281
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:36,629
Hell, if that's gotta make sense,
I don't want to BE sober!

282
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:42,239
I got his guns back. And look at the handles, they've
got little doves carved on them. And check this...

283
00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:48,473
- There's no place for the bullets to go.
- This is it, Kryten. The answer's in these guns somehow.

284
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:50,658
Doves. Dove program.

285
00:22:50,682 --> 00:22:54,123
I don't know, I really don't know.

286
00:22:54,147 --> 00:22:55,552
(CLOCK CHIMES)

287
00:22:55,720 --> 00:23:02,478
Wait, something's coming back now. You, sir,
whenever I look at you I get an image of curry

288
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:06,554
and early morning breath
that could cut through bank vaults.

289
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:11,157
You, sir... there's something familiar
about you too. I get a name.

290
00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:14,756
(STAMMERS) Smee... Smeeee... heeeeee.

291
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:17,034
- Smeghead?
- That's it!

292
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,476
He remembers me.

293
00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:22,075
(LISTER) But the guns, Kryten. Do the guns mean anything to you?

294
00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:24,754
Something. Yes, they mean something.

295
00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:28,879
- Oh, if only I had more time.
- Psst! Company.

296
00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:55,196
Got yourself a little help there, Sheriff?

297
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,869
Now I remember you. You're a computer virus,

298
00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:01,556
travelling from machine to machine,
overwriting the core program.

299
00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:08,038
Have infection, will travel.
Let's see if we can't tip the balance a little here.

300
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:16,951
What is he doing?

301
00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:22,239
He's stalling.
He's spotted us for what we are -

302
00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:28,840
a bunch of mean, macho, bad-ass desperados
who are gonna kick his bony butt clean across the Pecos.

303
00:24:29,040 --> 00:24:31,634
(SPITS) Enjoy the show.

304
00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:42,475
Who's got the guts to go with me one
on one, hand to hand, mano a mano?

305
00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:48,080
- Cover him.
- (FLAMENCO GUITAR)

306
00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:52,509
Damn, I lost my special skills.

307
00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:09,716
(CLATTER)

308
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:15,717
Rimmer, the virus has spread to the AR unit.
We've lost our special skills!

309
00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:21,151
Ah, Mr War, sir, it would appear that due to
circumstances completely beyond my control,

310
00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:24,597
there's been a bit of a cock-up
in the bravado department.

311
00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:30,395
I may indeed have come across as
being more brave than in fact I am.

312
00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:32,836
Exit! Exit!

313
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,478
- We're sealed in!
- Get the helmets off!

314
00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:53,038
It won't move! Oof...

315
00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:55,756
The clasp at the back.

316
00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:03,113
I got one of my gloves off!

317
00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:07,629
- And a boot too.
- Oh, brilliant!

318
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:10,679
Now you're paralysed completely
down your left-hand side.

319
00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:14,117
- Cat you've got your fingers up me nose!
- I think I got it.

320
00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:15,913
You're pulling me nose off!
- Here it comes!

321
00:26:15,937 --> 00:26:16,920
Me nose is coming off!

322
00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:30,395
We're going to cut you up so small
the worms won't even have to chew.

323
00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:34,559
You can't frighten me, I'm a coward.
I'm always scared. Lister!

324
00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:39,509
- What now?
- It's down to Kryten.

325
00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:44,149
Well, Sheriff. Now it's just little old you.

326
00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:49,998
I'm not afraid, Mr Death, sir. I believe my friends
have bought me enough time to complete the antidote program.

327
00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:53,312
Now, if you'll forgive the
rather confrontational imperative,

328
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:56,313
go for your guns, you scum-sucking molluscs.

329
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:12,080
I did it! I created an antidote.

330
00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:14,834
Two minutes to impact. Come on!

331
00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:28,549
- How long will it take?
- Just a few seconds.

332
00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:31,758
- How long to impact?
- Just a few seconds.

333
00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:35,072
- Loading it up. It's in the navicomp.
- Eight seconds... Seven...

334
00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:37,516
- Nearly there.
- Five... Four...

335
00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:40,320
- Three... Two...
- We're not going to make it!

336
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:43,472
- (CAT) One... Impact!
- (CRASH)

337
00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:57,230
(ALL) Yeeeeeeeee-haaaaah!

338
00:28:01,120 --> 00:28:04,909
(WESTERN-STYLE MUSIC)