1 00:00:01,840 --> 00:00:04,719 ("RED DWARF" THEME) 2 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:46,394 Gentlemen, thank you for attending the meeting. 3 00:00:46,418 --> 00:00:49,479 Now, let me begin by saying that it can't have escaped anyone's attention 4 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:53,873 that things have been getting rather strained round here of late. 5 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:56,356 It's no secret that morale is on the floor. 6 00:00:56,520 --> 00:01:01,754 We've lost all trace of Red Dwarf, tempers are strained and supplies are low. 7 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:06,830 So, I've decided, if it's alright with you, to appoint myself morale officer... 8 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:12,354 ..and set myself the task of raising the spirits and improving the atmosphere all round. 9 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:16,758 Now, to kick off, I thought it would be productive if we all met once a week 10 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:20,470 to have a coffee or a beer, whatever's your poison, 11 00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:24,275 and get any problems we may have off our chests. 12 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:27,319 - Any objections? - No, it sounds like a very good idea, sir. Excellent. 13 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:30,751 Well, as it's week one, why don't I start? 14 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:35,517 You know what it is about Lister that really makes me want to puke? 15 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:40,231 That really makes me want to stab him in both eyes with an ice pick? 16 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,755 Everything, that's what. 17 00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:47,198 Especially his godawful, chirpy, gerbil-faced optimism. 18 00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:52,479 And as for the Cat, what an unbelievable git. 19 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:55,280 And Kryten, if he doesn't change pronto, 20 00:01:55,440 --> 00:02:01,391 I swear, I'll attach jump leads to his nipple nuts and fry him like Cajun catfish. 21 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:03,676 Well, I think that's cleared the air. 22 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:07,470 I don't know about you but I certainly feel better, and thank you for your contributions, gentlemen. 23 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:11,315 See you at next week's morale meeting. Marvellous. 24 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:16,111 - Good meeting. - What's eating him? 25 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:20,075 Well, I'm no psychologist, sir, but maybe the bleak, lonely, pointless emptiness 26 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:23,198 of our hopeless, futile predicament is beginning to getting to him. 27 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:27,837 You can always tell when he's tense. The way he scrunches up cups and throws them in the bin. 28 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:31,356 And we're not talking styrofoam, here. We're talking enamel. 29 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:34,871 - I told you, didn't I? That he attacked me with that fridge? - What happened? 30 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:38,795 He just wrenched it off the wall and tried to insert it in me. 31 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,000 What did you do to upset him? 32 00:02:41,024 --> 00:02:43,631 Absolutely nothing. I was just sitting there, minding my own business, 33 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,872 plucking out my lengthier nostril hairs with a pair of cooking tongs. 34 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:50,436 - Extraordinary. It's so unprovoked. - The guy's so touchy. 35 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:56,073 If I tried to force feed you a refrigerator every time you did something gross, you'd have to go on a fridge-free diet. 36 00:02:56,800 --> 00:03:01,320 You know what the problem is? Every day's the same old slog through deep space. No Variety. 37 00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:06,275 - Take Christmas. What did we do Christmas Day? - If you remember, sir, Christmas Day we were attacked 38 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:10,229 by that pan-dimensional liquid beast from the Mogidon Cluster. 39 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,516 Maybe that wasn't such a great example. 40 00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:15,314 I'm trying to say our lives are dull, repetitive. 41 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:19,519 We never take time out to smell the roses. We never celebrate anything. 42 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:22,877 - We got nothing to celebrate with, bud. - Oh, not true, sir. 43 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:28,752 There's a whole case of that wine I brewed out of urine recyc just lying there, practically untouched. 44 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:33,750 Look, call me pretentious, but, for me, a truly great wine should not leave you 45 00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:37,436 with a foam moustache that you can only remove with turps. 46 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:40,677 - (SIREN) - Autopilot alert. 47 00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:52,877 - Storm front ahead. Switching to manual. - It's a big one. Too late to go round! It's right on us. 48 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:56,118 Stellar fog, tightly-packed particles from an exploded supernova. 49 00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:58,840 Our scanners won't be able to penetrate more than a few metres. 50 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:02,916 Slowing to minimum. 51 00:04:02,940 --> 00:04:05,113 Gentleman, absolute concentration till we're through the squall. 52 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:09,319 - There could be anything lurking out there. - Don't worry, bud. If there's anything out there, we'll spot it. 53 00:04:09,343 --> 00:04:10,640 (BOOM) 54 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:13,792 - Anybody hurt? - Well, my pride sure needs mouth-to-mouth. 55 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,719 Mr Lister! Sir! 56 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:20,352 - He's out cold! - All stop. Let's get him up to the obs room. 57 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:25,675 - (RIMMER) How is he? - Not good, sir. Perhaps you better look away. 58 00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:30,198 - I know you can't stand the sight of blood. - Don't worry, Kryten. It's OK when it's Lister's. 59 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,516 - Impossible! - (CAT) What? 60 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:36,672 Look! Mr Lister is a droid! 61 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:39,431 - He's a what?! - There's no doubt about it. 62 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:44,913 He's entirely mechanical. A 3000 Series. Made in Taiwan. 63 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:48,755 Look, he has a 24-hour emergency call-out number. 64 00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:52,959 I'm sorry, I'm not buying this. I mean, who'd create him and why? 65 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:56,795 What's his mission? To rid the universe of chicken vindaloo? 66 00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:00,197 This doesn't tie up. If he wasn't human, I'd've known by his scent. 67 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:02,630 The X-rays confirm it. 68 00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:07,676 This is so strange. Mr Lister's always been an icon of mine. 69 00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:12,277 Now I find he's an earlier model and technically, I outrank him! 70 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:15,751 An earlier model? Then how come he looks so much more sophisticated than you? 71 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:20,118 Sir, just because I have a head shaped like a freak formation of mashed potato 72 00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:22,271 does not mean I am unsophisticated. 73 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,556 Alright then, why does he look more realistically human? 74 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:27,832 Humans have always found exact duplicates rather disturbing, sir. 75 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:30,719 The 3000 Series was notoriously unpopular. 76 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:35,351 Most of them were recalled. A few slipped the net and went undercover to make new lives in society. 77 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:37,915 - Do you think he knows? - Unlikely. 78 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,794 He probably reprogrammed his own memory to escape detection. 79 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:45,437 This is going to crack him up, devastate him. Who's going to tell him? 80 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:48,718 I'll write you into my will if you let it be me. 81 00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:52,959 I suggest you leave this to me, sirs. I'll have a talk with him, droid to droid. 82 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:57,318 OK. we'll get going, try and get out of this damn fog before it drains our solar batteries. 83 00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,756 (GROANS) 84 00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:04,350 - What happened? What hit us? - Something in the stellar fog, sir. 85 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:09,196 It didn't show up on the scans. Sir, do you remember who your parents were? 86 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:13,314 No, you know I don't. I was found under a pool table in a box. 87 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:16,911 Hmm. Did anyone ever tell you what was written on that box? 88 00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:22,075 Were the words "kit" or "paint before assembing" ever mentioned? 89 00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:26,677 It's just while you were under, we discovered something rather disturbing about you. 90 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:29,874 It's that tattoo on my inner thigh, isn't it? 91 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:33,670 Look, I don't really love Petersen. He just got me so drunk, I didn't know what I was doing. 92 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:37,919 It's not the tattoo, sir. There's no way of breaking this gently. 93 00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:41,835 I'm afraid, sir, you are not human. You're a droid. 94 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:45,311 - I'm a what? - You're a mechanical, 3000 Series. 95 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:49,439 - Technically subordinate to me. - What does this all mean? 96 00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:56,034 In broad terms, I get the front seat in the cockpit and you're in charge of the laundry! 97 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,510 And I want to see creases! 98 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:04,631 Kryten, have a heart, man. I'm in major stress-related shock here. Gobsmack overload. 99 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:08,714 You're a droid. You don't have real emotions. It's just synthi-shock. 100 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,599 Now stop thinking like a human, and go about your duties. 101 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:15,350 - Kryten, why are you being so heartless? - I looked up to you. 102 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:19,479 You encouraged me to break my programming and ape human behaviour. 103 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:23,759 Now I find you're no better than I! But worst of all, the most bitter pill to swallow... 104 00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:28,869 for four long years, I had to hand-scrub the gussets of your longjohns! 105 00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:34,604 Now, unless you want to wallow in the eternal fires of Silicon Hell, 106 00:07:34,628 --> 00:07:37,992 I suggest you bring a tray of refreshments up to the cockpit, pronto! 107 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,058 What was the jolt? 108 00:07:48,082 --> 00:07:51,278 It's a mystery, bud. Nothing on the scanners. Nothing on visual. 109 00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:55,110 It was like we through some kind of energy pocket. Still, looks like we're out of it now. 110 00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:58,836 Better run a cross-check, see if this phenomena is mentioned in any of our databases. 111 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:02,595 Tea up! Sorry I was so long, I didn't know where anything was. 112 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:06,071 Let me see that tray, please. 113 00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:09,119 - Why? - That's, "Why, Mr Kryten, sir?" 114 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:16,831 You call those triangular sandwiches? Did you use a set square? I think not! 115 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:21,120 And the chocolate finger display is laughable. 116 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:23,430 Don't just pile them higgledy-piggledy onto the plate. 117 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:27,230 Make them into an attractive interlaced, log cabin structure or something. 118 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:31,598 This just will not do. Now, kindly return to the galley and start again. 119 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:36,038 OK... sir. This doesn't feel right. Not right at all. 120 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,396 What a charlatan. All these years... 121 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,638 - Any ideas what hit us yet? - Wait. Wait, here's something. 122 00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:45,873 Reports of artificial stellar fogs which contain reality minefields. 123 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:48,919 - Reality what? - Bubbles or pockets of unreality, 124 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:54,274 which when encountered create false realities designed to disorient and drive off potential looters. 125 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:58,189 - From what? - It's a defence device fitted to Space Corps test ships, 126 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:03,719 which are fitted with prototype drives so awesome in their power that they have to be safeguarded at all costs. 127 00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:05,957 So we just crashed through an unreality pocket? 128 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:12,031 Which created a false reality, making us believe Mr Lister was... Oh, my. 129 00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:24,595 - You mean he's not a...? - No. 130 00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:27,750 - Tea up, sirs. - Sir, I, er... 131 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:31,959 What do you think of the picket fence? 132 00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:44,032 - I'm not happy with it, meself. I'll go away and do it again. - Sir, may I see your arm? 133 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:50,309 Smeg! It looks normal, human! 134 00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:52,710 Someone else tell him. 135 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:55,633 I've got gussets to scrub. 136 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:09,398 I wondered if you felt like a nice cold beer, sir? 137 00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:12,393 Oh, sir, how many times can I apologise? 138 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:16,719 I have offered to mince myself. What more can I do? 139 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:20,839 Don't worry, I'll think of something, probably involving a bowl of water, a poker, 140 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:25,517 a recharge socket and 4,000 volts of direct current. 141 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:28,712 This fog's getting worse. I say reverse out now before it's too late. 142 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:33,078 Well, I hate to agree with old Laundry-Chute Nostrils, but he has got a point. 143 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:36,756 The scanners are out, and my smell range is practically zero. 144 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:42,598 Starbug is small. We can probably pick our way through without hitting any more unreality bubbles. 145 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:46,071 Someone's gone to plenty big trouble to keep spacecraft out of here. 146 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,471 - It's gotta be worth finding out why. - But how can we guarantee we're-? 147 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,353 - (CAT) We hit one! - (LISTER) We hit one. 148 00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:53,756 - That's what I said. - Where's the Cat? 149 00:10:53,780 --> 00:10:54,895 - (CAT) I'm here. - It's taken the Cat, he's gone! 150 00:10:55,660 --> 00:10:57,233 I'm not gone! I'm here! 151 00:10:57,257 --> 00:11:01,398 - They must've just erased him from existence. - Then how come we still remember him? 152 00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:04,359 - Remember, who? - I don't remember. 153 00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:08,994 Hey, buds, don't do this to me! You can't forget me! I'm unforgettable 154 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:12,915 I don't get this! We're passing through an unreality pocket, and everything's normal! 155 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,596 What do you mean "everything's normal"? I've been invisibled! 156 00:11:15,620 --> 00:11:18,658 It doesn't make any sense. All systems check. The three of us are here as normal. 157 00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:25,634 The four of us! There's four of us! Look! I'm here. Can't you see me? Can't you feel me? 158 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:28,593 We're getting some buffeting! 159 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:31,360 About to pass back into normal space. 160 00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:35,269 What are you doing?! 161 00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:38,560 - Can you see me? - Of course I can see you. 162 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:43,032 You all forgot who I was. Don't you remember? It's too weird in here. Let's quit while we can. 163 00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:45,436 All we gotta do is keep our heads. 164 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:52,359 Boy! This is worse than triple-strength catnip! 165 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:56,352 The pockets are getting denser and closer together. We're never going to... 166 00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:58,358 make it. 167 00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:03,176 I can't take much more of this. 168 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:08,519 Just ignore it. All these unreality pockets are designed to make you feel absurd and disoriented. 169 00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:11,274 He's right. Let's just keep going and we'll get out the other side. 170 00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:18,236 All ahead stop. We have got to talk. Kryten, how far would you say it is to the epicentre? 171 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:20,556 Current speeds, about another three days, sir. 172 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:25,470 - OK, you win. Let's get outta here. - Perhaps there is one possibility. 173 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:31,351 That's it. I've installed a temporary stasis seal on both deep sleep units. 174 00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:36,953 So, in theory at least, time will be frozen, and neither reality nor unreality will be able to penetrate. 175 00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:39,356 See you in three days. 176 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:51,951 - Where are we, did we make it? - We successfully penetrated the minefield, sir. 177 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:54,680 - We're through to the epicentre. - But what was it protecting? 178 00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:58,959 A derelict. According to the computer, it's from the 28th century 179 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:01,031 and it's capable of time travel?! 180 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:05,120 - Crew? - All dead. This was the maiden voyage. 181 00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:09,274 They contracted an influenza virus on an excursion to the 20th century. 182 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:12,512 Before they died, they programmed the autopilot through deep space. 183 00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:16,992 and generated the minefield to prevent the machine from falling into the wrong hands. 184 00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:21,671 Does this mean what I think it means? We board her, strip out the drive and... 185 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:24,992 Bingo! We've got ourselves a time machine! 186 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,350 Let's see if the sucker works. 187 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:30,759 Sirs, choose a year. 188 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:33,878 Since we can't guarantee this time drive is going to function properly, 189 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:37,590 I suggest we select a neutral time period for our first jaunt. 190 00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:43,711 He's got a point. Let's go for somewhere nice and safe and dull. How about 1422? 191 00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:46,998 - How about 1421? - What's the difference? 192 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:51,677 No difference. I just wanted it make it look like I was paying attention. 193 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:54,471 Load 1421, Kryten. 194 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:59,792 1421 loaded, sir. August the 17th. Engaging the time drive. 195 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:07,475 - Hey, we did it! - Indeed we did. 196 00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:13,511 All ship chronometers indicate this is August 16th in the year 1421 - just one day out. 197 00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:16,638 - Give us visual, let's see what it's like out there. - OK, punching it up. 198 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,272 I don't get it. We're still where we were. 199 00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:27,396 Of course. We're still in deep space, sir, only now we're in deep space in the 15th century! 200 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,633 Isn't it wonderful? 201 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,599 So we're still three million years away from Earth? 202 00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:39,876 Well, yes. 203 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:44,275 - Taking her back to the present. - Keyed in. Engaged. 204 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:49,510 So, forgive me if I'm being thicker 205 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:54,311 than the offspring of a village idiot and a TV weathergirl, 206 00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:57,757 but what exactly was the point of that little exercise? 207 00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:02,756 Fun though it was drinking in the heady medieval atmosphere of pre-Renaissance deep space, 208 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:04,991 the drive is next to useless, yes? 209 00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:09,159 For the moment, yes, but should we ever acquire a faster-than-light drive, 210 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:12,551 we will have the combination to travel anywhere and anywhen. 211 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:15,798 - Picking up a craft. - He's right. Some kind of craft, small. Here it comes. 212 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,879 It's a Jupiter Mining Corporation call sign. 213 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:24,638 Some kind of transport vehicle. Colour: green, Life-forms: four... Craft name: "Starbug"? 214 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,558 Call me crazy, but that all sounds weirdly familiar. 215 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:32,795 It's us, man. Us from the future. Hey, incoming SOS message! 216 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,037 - Don't punch it up! Close comms! - Why? 217 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:39,034 If that vessel is this vessel, sir. Almost certainly it contains our future selves. 218 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,476 The implications of making contact could be devastating. 219 00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:44,400 The human brain is not designed to cope with knowing its own future. 220 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:48,753 Yeah, but Kryten, obviously we're in some kind of major trouble, otherwise we wouldn't've shown up. 221 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,574 No, Kryten's got a point. It's too dangerous to make contact. 222 00:15:51,598 --> 00:15:53,511 What if we discover that one of us is dead? 223 00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:58,436 - Who could handle that? - We all could if it was you. 224 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:02,753 They're trying us again. Come on, they're in trouble, we can't just hang them out to dry! 225 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,912 Well, in that case, sir. Suggest that I am left alone to make contact. 226 00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:09,755 I can give them whatever assistance they require then erase my memory of the entire event. 227 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:15,080 Opening comms. Present Starbug calling future Starbug. We are ready to communicate. 228 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:22,872 Well, how did it go? Everything OK? 229 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:25,270 Mr Lister, sir... 230 00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:29,359 I love you! 231 00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:34,839 You know that, don't you? I'd hate you to... go anywhere not knowing that, sir. 232 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:41,431 So what's the SP, Kryts? Can you tell us anything? 233 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:45,719 A little, sir. They are indeed our future selves from 15 years hence. 234 00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:48,717 (SOBS) What a senseless waste! 235 00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,190 Listen, if something happens to me, I want to know! 236 00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:57,859 All I'm allowed to divulge is that their time drive has developed a fault, and they can only travel forwards. 237 00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:02,391 They jumped to a period where they knew we would be, in order to copy some components from our own drive. 238 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:06,798 So am I actually going to get to meet me? My knees have turned to jelly! 239 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:11,790 Nobody will be meeting anybody. You must be sealed in the upper deck before they set a space boot on board. 240 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,389 - So, when are they coming? - Immediately. 241 00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:17,598 I'll serve your supper in the ops room. 242 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:21,071 I thought I'd whip you up a nice little curry with jam roly-poly 243 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:23,390 and a big jug of chilled margarita. 244 00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:26,752 - They're all my favourites! - (SOBS) I know! 245 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:30,191 How can we have margeritas? I thought we were out of tequila? 246 00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:34,957 I put a little miniature bottle aside, sir, for... no particular reason. 247 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:40,194 And I thought since today had... no special significance, it would be appropriate to... 248 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:43,040 - Oh, just go, Kryten! - Thank you, sir. 249 00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:45,595 (KRYTEN SOBS HYSTERICALLY) 250 00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,151 His favourite bowl. 251 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,791 His little cup. 252 00:17:55,920 --> 00:18:00,278 The tin opener he used to pick his ears clean with. 253 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:03,076 - Everything OK? - Oh, yep, yep. 254 00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:05,470 Those darn onions get you every time! 255 00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:09,876 - What onions? - Er, the onions I'm about to peel. 256 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:14,112 I always get a little emotional when I have to deprive an onion of its skin. 257 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:18,749 Hey, don't Nixon me, man! Tell me the truth. 258 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:22,356 I die, don't I? I mean, I'm dead aren't I? I don't make it. 259 00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:28,158 All I'm at liberty to disclose sir, is that all four members of the Starbug crew will be boarding this vessel. 260 00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:32,558 - Yeah, but I'm not amongst them, right? - One of their number is called Dave Lister. 261 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:35,236 Now, you'll have to excuse me. I've already said too much. 262 00:18:35,260 --> 00:18:38,429 Hang on a minute, I'm really confused now. Are you saying I survive? 263 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:44,033 I can say no more. Please, let us not squabble on this of all days. 264 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:47,790 Careful with them chillies, Kryten. The rate you're going, there'll be none left for tomorrow. 265 00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:58,710 Look, whatever it is, there's nothing you can do about it. It's fate. 266 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:03,949 I just don't get it. Am I dead or am I alive? If I'm dead, how can I come on-board? 267 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:07,755 - What precisely are you doing, bud? - I'm hacking into the security cameras. 268 00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:10,992 Kryten's turned off all the monitors, so I'm rigging it up to the mediscan. 269 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:13,834 When those johnnies come on board, I wanna see 'em. 270 00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:18,320 Docking complete. Opening airlock 4. Gentlemen, welcome aboard. 271 00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:30,872 Ah, Mr Rimmer, sir. Come in, come in. 272 00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:39,752 Did we actually used to live like this? What a godawful, depressing little hole. 273 00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:46,829 We're used to the good things in life now, bud. 274 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:55,800 - Kryten! Are you really me?! - Would you take a look at him? 275 00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:58,076 Did I really used to look that goofy? 276 00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:02,239 What is that you've got on your head? I hope you have a quarantine license for it. 277 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:07,511 We're time travellers now, and a lot of our business involves going back in history. 278 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:12,629 I have to look incognito. Frankly, I can't afford going around looking like I've swapped heads 279 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:15,076 with a damaged crash dummy. 280 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:18,591 I think we're overstepping the bounds of agreed conversation, here... 281 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:22,196 Is, um...? Mr Lister, did you bring him? 282 00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:29,229 Sir, you look terrific. I was expecting something much worse. 283 00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:32,478 Don't worry about me, Kryts, I'm fine. Absolutely dandy. 284 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:35,194 Well, blow me! You've hardly changed at all. 285 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:39,194 If I hadn't been told about the accident, I don't think I'd even have noticed. 286 00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:42,759 Yo! We're in. 287 00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:46,873 Oh, my God! Look at Rimmer! 288 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:49,959 - I can't have changed much. I'm a hologram. - Wrong. 289 00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:52,839 You're two meals away from being a sumo wrestler. 290 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:54,991 - Let me see! - Am I there? 291 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,191 - Oh, yes. - What do I look like? 292 00:20:57,360 --> 00:21:02,639 I can't actually see quite clearly... The light is reflecting off the top of your head. 293 00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:04,791 What are you talking about? 294 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,833 (LAUGHS) You're as bald as a plucked chicken, man! 295 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:11,880 - Let me see! - Wait, wait. I want to see if I'm there. 296 00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:15,999 I don't seem to be there. It's just you two, Kryten... 297 00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:22,032 - Oh, my God... - What? What is it? 298 00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:27,354 Ooooh, dear! 299 00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:32,630 What? Is he fat? 300 00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:34,791 Far from it. 301 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:38,191 He's lost a bit of weight, actually. 302 00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:41,193 Actually, he's lost quite a little bit of everything. 303 00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:45,871 - What do I do to end up like that? - That is tragic. 304 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:50,159 That is the saddest thing I've ever seen in my life. 305 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:56,475 What happened to my butt? Buddy, you could park a plane in that crease. 306 00:21:56,640 --> 00:22:03,194 So what? You're fat and bald. That's what happens when you get older. Look at me, I'm just a brain in a jar! 307 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:06,199 Self, self, self, self, self! 308 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:10,434 - We've gotta find out what's going on? - (KRYTEN) This is our only bottle of real wine. 309 00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:13,314 We've been saving it for a special occasion. 310 00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:16,199 And what could be more special than this? 311 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:20,759 - To the future. - To the past. 312 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:28,072 - This is poison, bud! - Haven't you anything better than this hogwash? 313 00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:30,629 - We're used to the best! - Kryten, we're epicures now. 314 00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:34,555 We travel through history enjoying the very best time has to offer. 315 00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:36,751 Dolphin sweetmeats, roast suckling elephant, 316 00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:40,914 baby seal hearts stuffed with dove pate. Food fit for emperors! 317 00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:45,512 (LISTER'S BRAIN) We've socialised with all the greatest figures in history - the Habsburgs, the Borgias... 318 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:49,389 Why, only last week, Louis XVI threw a banquet especially in our honour. 319 00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:52,757 The man is a complete delight - urbane, witty, charming... 320 00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:58,319 He was an idiotic despot who lived in the most obscene luxury while the working classes starved in abject poverty. 321 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:02,912 - Well, we certainly didn't see any of that when we were there. - And his wife's an absolute cutie. 322 00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:06,994 I think they're our favourite hosts. If you don't count the Hitlers. 323 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:08,187 The who?! 324 00:23:08,211 --> 00:23:11,194 Providing you avoid talking politics, they're an absolute hoot. 325 00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:15,075 - You're good friends with the Hitlers?! - It's just a social thing. 326 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:19,074 We don't talk about his work. We just have a few laughs, play Canasta 327 00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:22,039 and enjoy the odd game of mixed doubles with the Goerings. 328 00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:26,313 - I don't believe what I'm hearing! - Look, you have to understand, 329 00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:28,903 we travel back and forth throughout the whole of history. 330 00:23:28,927 --> 00:23:31,350 And naturally, we want to sample the best of everything. 331 00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:36,839 It's just a bit unfortunate that the finest things tend to be in the possession of people judged to be a bit dodgy. 332 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:39,395 Hermann Goering is "a bit dodgy"?! 333 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:45,152 What has become of you all? You've abandoned your morals, been seduced by power and wealth. 334 00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:48,517 All you're interested in now is indulging your carnal desires. 335 00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:51,599 And could we tell you some stories about that! 336 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:55,759 I don't recognise any of you. You're just amoral self-serving scum, 337 00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:57,911 freeloading your way through history! 338 00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:02,199 Good grief! I can't believe I used to be such a stuck-up, pompous prig. 339 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,676 (EXPLOSION) 340 00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:11,356 OK. That's it. You've got two minutes to get off this ship. 341 00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:16,515 I don't know how we became you, but I sure as hell don't intend to help you carry on doing what you're doing. 342 00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:20,190 But we need to examine the calibration on your time drive's mass compactor. 343 00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:21,617 That's one minute forty... 344 00:24:21,641 --> 00:24:25,315 Shooting us, will be like killing himself in the future. He won't do it. 345 00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:30,151 - What have I got to lose? My jar? - Gentlemen, let's meander back, why don't we? 346 00:24:30,360 --> 00:24:33,113 But without the calibration data, we'll be stranded out here in the middle of nowhere. 347 00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:35,675 - Fifty seconds. - (CAT) Come on, let's go! 348 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:41,217 You'll change your mind when you've thought it through. 349 00:24:41,241 --> 00:24:44,200 You are destined to become us, and there's nothing you can do about it. 350 00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:46,749 In the end, you'll help us. 351 00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:49,156 Twenty seconds. Into the airlock. In, git. 352 00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:05,209 I knew it would be a mistake to see the future. 353 00:25:05,233 --> 00:25:10,760 Now our whole lives will be coloured by the fact that we're gonna end up becoming people we despise. 354 00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:14,072 Threat warning. Vessel off the stern. They've got a missile lock on us. 355 00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:16,954 - Our future selves are attacking us! - They're nuts! 356 00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:21,158 - Direct hit. The gyroscope's out! - They're trying to disable us! 357 00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:23,078 - Another lock! - Incoming message! 358 00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:26,153 Gentlemen, we have no intention of being deprived 359 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:29,312 of the opulence of luxury the time drive provides. 360 00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:35,237 Either you give us access to the data we require or be prepared to be blasted out of the sky. 361 00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:39,911 - But if you kill us, then you'll cease to exist. - Better that than be forced to live like you, 362 00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:46,031 like rats trapped together, marooned in deep space. Your answer, 30 seconds. 363 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:48,794 - What do we do? - Have we got any chance of winning? 364 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:51,958 Their craft is greatly upgraded. We have no chance whatsoever. 365 00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:55,118 - Then I say fight! - Mr Rimmer?! 366 00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:58,870 - Better dead than smeg! - Yes! Cat? 367 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:01,600 Better dead than sofa sized butt. 368 00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:04,479 - Kryten? - Better anything than that toupee! 369 00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:08,150 - Shields up. Arming lasers. - Bringing her around. 370 00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:10,709 - Target acquired. - Locking on... Firing! 371 00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:13,639 - Direct hit! - Starbug thrusters! Nice shooting, sir! 372 00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:16,719 - Bringing her round for desserts. - Threat warning, they've got a lock-on. 373 00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:18,916 - I'm going for the main fuel tanks. - They're in your sights. 374 00:26:18,940 --> 00:26:20,356 - Locked on... Fire! 375 00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:27,751 - Mr Lister! - Is he OK? 376 00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:32,073 - He's dead, sir! - The hull's gonna go. We'll all be dead in a minute. 377 00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:38,192 (RIMMER) Cat! 378 00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:41,076 Dead. But there may be a... 379 00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:46,593 Kryten? Kryten? 380 00:26:48,920 --> 00:26:52,754 There may be a what? A way out of this? Is that what you were going to say? 381 00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:57,756 S-speak, Kryten! How can we change what's happening? 382 00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:40,591 # It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere 383 00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:43,991 # I'm all alone, more or less 384 00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:47,278 # Let me fly far away from here 385 00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:50,080 # Fun, fun, fun 386 00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:54,029 # In the sun, sun, sun 387 00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:57,318 # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose 388 00:27:57,480 --> 00:28:00,632 # Drinking fresh mango juice 389 00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:03,997 # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes 390 00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:06,879 # Fun, fun, fun 391 00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:10,670 # In the sun, sun, sun 392 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:13,559 # Fun, fun, fun 393 00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:17,759 # In the sun, sun, sun #