1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,197 (STIRRING MUSIC) 2 00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:23,518 (FLUSHING) 3 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:33,875 (WHOOSHING) 4 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:39,829 Hello? Testing - one, two, three. 5 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:41,638 Hello? Yes! 6 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:47,750 OK. Here we go. Ship's log...um...one. 7 00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:52,593 I've decided to keep a journal of life on-board ship and send it off in a probe. 8 00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:56,196 Since turning 28, I feel a new maturity about myself. 9 00:00:56,360 --> 00:01:00,593 In fact, I can't even remember the last time I tried to urinate on Rimmer from the top of D-deck... 10 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:04,435 No, wait a minute - Friday. But apart from that one lapse, 11 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:07,399 Maturity wise, I'm practically up there with Abe Lincoln and Moses. 12 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:12,589 Now, just recently we came across a craft, piloted by ourselves from 15 years into the future. 13 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:17,197 We had a bit of an argument, and they attacked us. See attached... 14 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:18,913 - Another lock! - Incoming message. 15 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,999 Either you give us access to the data we require 16 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:25,039 or be prepared to be blasted out of the sky. 17 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:31,799 (RIMMER) Cat! 18 00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,110 Dead. But there may be a... 19 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:39,313 Kryten! 20 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:44,389 There may be a what? A way out of this? Is that what you were going to say? 21 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:48,474 S...speak, Kryten. How can we change what's happening? 22 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:20,794 We were no match. They killed us 23 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:24,157 and destroyed everything onboard ship, including the Time Drive, 24 00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:27,950 which meant there was no Time Drive for them to have in the future to bring back into the past 25 00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:30,430 to destroy the future of their past selves in the present. 26 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:33,114 Put simply, by killing us they killed themselves, 27 00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:36,033 because once we were dead it was impossible for us to become them in the future 28 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,875 and return in time to kill ourselves in the past even though it was the present. 29 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:41,360 (BUZZING) 30 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:44,279 Oh, smeg! 31 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:47,114 Have you been trying to explain about our future selves again, sir? 32 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:50,750 - I just thought I'd have one more go. - That's the third camera this week! 33 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:53,389 The machines just can't take it, sir. 34 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:56,797 But I'm only trying to explain why Starbug's damaged despite the timeline being erased 35 00:02:56,960 --> 00:03:00,476 because this reality's unstable and anomalies have merged from both dimensions to cope with the paradox. 36 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,398 Oh! Garbled, confusing 37 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:06,440 and, quite frankly, duller than an in-flight magazine produced by Air Belgium. 38 00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:10,031 Now, just state our position and explain we're down on supplies. 39 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:12,271 All right! All right! 40 00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:17,796 This is Dave Lister of the JMC transport vehicle Starbug. 41 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:20,918 We're down on supplies. We need help. Out. 42 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:24,113 Oh by the way, we're in space. 43 00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:26,509 Just passed a sort of reddy moon a couple of days ago. 44 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:28,671 Coordinates enclosed. 45 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:32,354 It's about that shape. You can't miss it. 46 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:35,391 ("RED DWARF" THEME) 47 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:08,397 (LISTER) Ship's log update, Friday am. 48 00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:12,918 The battle with our future selves has had the most terrible consequence. 49 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:16,793 Wiped out? Kryten, man, they can't be. 50 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:21,631 I'm afraid so, sir. The laser cannon breached the main water tank and flooded Supply Deck B. 51 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,030 - They didn't stand a chance. - Yeah, but surely... 52 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:26,390 There was nothing we could do to save them, sir. 53 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:28,840 So, you mean... 54 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,230 now we've got no poppadoms at all? 55 00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:36,394 No poppadoms, no curries... All the Indian food supplies have been totalled. 56 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:42,277 I'll have to survive without them, then. 57 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:45,398 - I'll have salads. - Sir, you're in shock. 58 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:48,831 - You don't know what you're saying. - After all, it's only curry. 59 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,475 Oh "only curry", the enormity of it hasn't sunk in. 60 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:53,950 You must mourn, sir. Don't you see? You must mourn. 61 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,959 - Me curries. - Oh, sir. 62 00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:59,430 Get it out. Cry like a baby. 63 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:03,878 What am I gonna do? Curry night was the one little beacon I had. 64 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:09,035 It made me feel like a normal ordinary guy, not some sad freak stuck in deep space - 65 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:12,670 no woman, no hope, no curry. 66 00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:18,153 Worse still, a choice of only two alcoholic beverages - Cinzano Bianco or advocaat. 67 00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:21,312 - It's a human tragedy. - No lager?! 68 00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:25,235 Sir, there is nothing unmanly in howling like a hungry prairie dog. 69 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:29,030 - No Lager?! - All the supplies on B-deck were destroyed, sir. 70 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:32,192 There wasn't even any wreckage, no debris, zip. 71 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:38,390 God... A few beers and a curry, it was the highlight of my week! 72 00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:41,036 I used to look forward to curry night, too, sir. 73 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:43,794 Seeing your little face all happy and smiling. 74 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:48,750 Come rain or shine, we'd always make time for curry night every Friday. 75 00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:50,877 - Saturday. - Sunday. 76 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:52,917 - Tuesday. - Wednesday. 77 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:57,711 And Thursday. Always the same meal - three poppadoms with mango chutney. 78 00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:00,030 - Those little onions. - Dill pickle. 79 00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:03,318 That Day-Glo green mint sauce that just doesn't wash out. 80 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:08,031 - And that weird red stuff that no one knows what it is. - Then a shami kebab starter. 81 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:13,070 Followed by a chicken vindaloo, kamikaze hot, with a fire extinguisher on standby. 82 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,595 And two scoops of kulfi ice-cream. 83 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:17,956 And two indigestion tablets. 84 00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:20,351 Oh, life without curry? 85 00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:22,591 It's like Laurel without Hardy, 86 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,673 the Lone Ranger without... that Indian bloke. 87 00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:27,672 Sir... 88 00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:30,798 Perhaps you could learn to love pasta? 89 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,670 Pasta? You sick? 90 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:47,675 You know the news? All the curry supplies have been destroyed. 91 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:50,917 We heard. 92 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:55,551 As a mark of respect, we thought on Sunday at 12 o'clock we could have a minute's flatulence. 93 00:06:57,080 --> 00:07:00,789 It's nothing to you guys, is it? Curries were my life. 94 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:04,510 God, some of the nights! I remember once on planet leave on Orion, 95 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:08,053 I drank a yard of vindaloo sauce, you know out of one of those long glass tubes? 96 00:07:08,077 --> 00:07:10,361 And then went out on the pull. It was a bet. 97 00:07:10,385 --> 00:07:15,073 It's impossible for mechanoids to vomit, sir, I believe it is safe for you to continue. 98 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:20,075 I went to this club, the Crazy Astro, started dancing with this Space Corps nurse. 99 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,311 - Couldn't hear her name. - Fido, was it? 100 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:25,791 - Lassie, possibly? - She was very attractive, actually, Rimmer. 101 00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:31,990 Very short skirt, little ankle bracelet, took out her chewing gum before she ate her chicken in a basket. You know, class. 102 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:35,198 All right, so she had teeth that looked like six half-open garage doors, 103 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:39,035 but it was nothing a cosmetic surgeon couldn't fix in ten minutes. 104 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:43,114 - So what happened? - I went over to her, leant in close, 105 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:44,918 asked her to dance... 106 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:48,994 - For a few seconds, she didn't answer. - She was probably concussed. 107 00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:53,597 A yard of vindaloo sauce? You must have had breath that could shear sheep. 108 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:57,350 - We started to snuggle up... - I'm not sure I want to hear any more of this. 109 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:00,598 Then all of a sudden... a rumbling in me stomach. 110 00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:06,239 AlI I can remember is running. Across the dance floor, through the crowd. 111 00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:09,199 - Just made it. - So you didn't get off with her? 112 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:12,392 Only thing I got off was the loo about six hours later. 113 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:16,793 When I got back to the dance floor, everyone was gone. They had to wait for me to lock the club! 114 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:20,954 God, nearly put me off curries for life. In fact, I didn't have another one until the following night. 115 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:24,790 What an enchanting little tale. 116 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:29,798 Well, if you'll excuse me I'm just off to glug a couple of yards of vindi sauce, 117 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:34,591 then if we do happen to chance across 'Planet of the Snooty Sex Sirens', I can't miss. 118 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:38,714 Sirs, I suggest we carry out a thorough inspection of the ship. 119 00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:42,760 The altercation with our future selves caused dimensional anomalies 120 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:46,515 which have expanded the cargo deck by 212%. 121 00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:49,274 We should ascertain that the new structures are stable. 122 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:56,275 (CAT) Time has returned to the point before we discovered the time machine, right? 123 00:08:56,440 --> 00:09:01,037 So what's to stop us going back on board the Gemini 12 and picking it up all over again? 124 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,760 We have to avoid all forms of time travel. 125 00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:08,278 It's the only way of breaking our destiny line and ensuring we don't end up like our future selves. 126 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,016 Yeah, but surely we can use the Time Drive if we're careful? 127 00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:13,879 You know, if we don't abuse it in the way our future selves did? 128 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:17,271 - You know, if we're sensible and mature. - And do what? 129 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:21,354 Go back in time to an Indian takeaway and order 500 curries. 130 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:24,990 Sir, the scheme is irresponsible, moronic and preposterous! 131 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:27,151 All your hallmarks, bud! 132 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:31,279 One really big takeaway order once every two years and our problems are over. 133 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:34,353 YOUR problems are over. OUR problems are just beginning. 134 00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:38,070 What about causality? Interfering in the past, no matter how minutely, 135 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:40,834 always alters the present - cause and effect. 136 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:44,880 Look, I'm a curry-aholic! I've only got two taste buds that work. 137 00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:47,600 I need curry. 138 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:52,391 We can't afford to take any more chances. I say the Time Drive stays where it is. 139 00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:57,555 You know I'd rather wear sideways-pressed flares and a clip-on polyester tie than agree with Goalpost Head, 140 00:09:57,720 --> 00:09:59,711 but this time he's right. 141 00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:01,917 Oh, OK. OK. 142 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:17,874 (KRYTEN) Since that completes the B-deck inspection, sirs, 143 00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:22,551 permission to off-line for the next 12 hours while I discard some old cache files? 144 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:24,950 How come you need more memory? 145 00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:28,795 Over the years, you've had more RAM than a field of sheep. 146 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:31,998 My head is littered with unnecessary information, sir. 147 00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:36,527 The ability to sing the Bay City Rollers' greatest hits is no longer a priority. 148 00:10:36,551 --> 00:10:40,918 For the most cultural purposes, crooning "Bye Bye, Baby" is more than sufficient. 149 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:43,469 This clean-up thing, how does it work, exactly? 150 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:48,669 I simply attach my RAM to the ship's computer and download the unwanted files into its trash file. 151 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:52,879 Your RAM's in your head, isn't it? So you won't actually be using your body, then? 152 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:55,509 - Why do you ask? - Just interested. 153 00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:58,354 Robotics, it's fascinating, isn't it? 154 00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:04,069 (ALARM RINGS) 155 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:33,479 (CLICKS) 156 00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:50,993 (CLICKS) 157 00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:56,754 - My heavens! I'm head Head! - Shh! 158 00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,349 - This is only temporary. - I don't understand. 159 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:03,639 Look, I want to go back in time on a curry hunt. Kryten said "no way". What do you say? 160 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:06,792 I can't go behind Kryten's head. What would he say if he found out? 161 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,076 It's deceitful, wrong and dishonest. 162 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:13,952 I'm in! Those are emotions I've longed to experience, 163 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:17,954 but first you'll have to override my guilt chip and disable my behaviour protocols. 164 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:21,272 - OK. Show me how - Press the skull release catch behind my right ear. 165 00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:32,116 (BLEEPING) 166 00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:34,154 OK, here we go. 167 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:41,992 My guilt chip. 168 00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:44,674 No behaviour protocols. 169 00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:46,877 Just call me "bad ass"! 170 00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:56,154 Oooooooooooooooow! 171 00:12:56,320 --> 00:13:01,918 I feel great! Got all the beauty sleep I needed. Stayed awake all night. 172 00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:04,151 Hey, that smells good. What's for brekkie? 173 00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:06,476 Waffles, sir, dripping in honey and jam 174 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:08,870 with three fried eggs on the sid, coated in cheese! 175 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:15,234 - That sounds about as healthy as jumping off a cliff. - Healthy? Who cares? Pork away! 176 00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:22,829 (WHIRRS) 177 00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:32,754 So, um...Kryten, now that you've had time to think, 178 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:35,275 what about that curry hunt to the 22nd Century? 179 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:40,150 Ooh, I meant to mention that, yes. I overreacted yesterday. On reflection, I think it'd be quite safe. 180 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,675 - Safe? - What about causality? 181 00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:45,838 Causality? Well, OK, you know, one event causes another, OK 182 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:51,200 but sometimes, you just gotta say, "The laws of time and space? Who gives a smeg?" 183 00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:53,954 Ah, I think what Kryten's trying to say here is... 184 00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:56,993 - You're smoking! - Oh, is my generator overheating again? 185 00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:58,634 - A cigarette. - D'you want one? 186 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:01,189 - Of course I don't want one! - D'you want me to go outside? 187 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:05,274 I think what Kryten's trying to say is that it's OK to go back in time 188 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:08,432 and order a small lake's worth of vindaloo to go, isn't that right? 189 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:12,156 - You bet your ass! - OK, so let's navigate those reality bubbles and do it. 190 00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:15,159 Kryten, can I have a word? 191 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:23,679 Look, what is wrong with you? You don't smoke, you never say "bet your ass", 192 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:27,231 and you never use your groinal attachment to stir anybody's tea! 193 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:31,678 - I didn't get any error commands. - Yeah, because you've got no behaviour protocols, ya spanny 194 00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:35,390 - Now, get a grip or we'll be rumbled. - (WHIRRS) 195 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:40,432 So uptight. 196 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:54,233 (KRYTEN HUMS FUNKY TUNE) 197 00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:03,518 What is wrong with that demented Tonka toy now? 198 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:08,117 He's just got a bit of a bio-glitch in his transponder calibrations. It's only temporary. 199 00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:11,711 Hey, Mr Time Drive! 200 00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:14,952 OK, Kryten, we want the Taj Mahal Tandoori Restaurant 201 00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:17,629 behind the JMC building in London. 202 00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:21,799 - Back table. Quiet. - I'll need a moment to acquaint myself with the controls. 203 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,276 - But you've used it before. - Have I? 204 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:27,637 Oh, yes, of course I have. Sorry. Stupid of me. 205 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:30,189 Just programming it now, matey boy. 206 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:00,509 (GUNSHOT) 207 00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:05,429 (GUNSHOT) 208 00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:14,279 Nice landing, Kryten. (!) That was about as smooth as Egyptian whiskey. 209 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:17,239 Apologies, sir. I'm not sure what I did then. 210 00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:19,829 This isn't right. Where are we? 211 00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:24,876 Well, according to the Time Drive, the date is November 22nd 1963, 212 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:27,190 and we're in the city of Dallas. 213 00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:30,149 How come? Gimme that thing! 214 00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:35,478 I've always been a bit of a technical whiz when it comes to these kinds of gizmos. 215 00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:41,359 You're right. Dallas, '63. No doubt about it. 216 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:44,473 (SIRENS WAIL) 217 00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:48,992 Dallas? Wasn't that that place where that American king got assassinated? 218 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:53,194 - JFK. - No, it was John something, not Jeff Kay. 219 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:58,713 J-F-K, not Jeff Kay, you gimboid. Like the airport. I did a paper on him at school. 220 00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:01,753 I wonder why would anyone would wanna name their kid after an airport? 221 00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:05,831 Heathrow Lister. John, Paul, George and Ringway. 222 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,196 Well, actually, that could work. 223 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:12,155 - The airport was named after the president. - All right. 224 00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:16,598 We didn't do 20th-century history at my school. It didn't seem interesting to me. 225 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:20,913 Apart from nuclear fusion and some really snazzy car adverts, they did nothing. 226 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:24,598 The last human being alive and he's got less brains 227 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:29,550 than a macaque rhesus monkey after the first course of a Vietnamese wedding banquet. 228 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:31,797 (SIRENS WAIL) 229 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:49,791 Where did this gunman dude shoot from exactly anyway? 230 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,156 Well, if my Histo-Chip serves me correctly, 231 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:56,200 the gunman's location was in the Texas Book Depository. 232 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:24,276 It was probably from this very window! 233 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:26,431 What, do you reckon? 234 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:34,117 Hey, what's this? 235 00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:44,230 Hey! There's something on the end of this! Give us a hand! 236 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:47,631 Pull! Whoever they are, they're in trouble! 237 00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:50,118 (WAILS) 238 00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:59,831 Hey, what's going on down there? 239 00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:04,629 What are all those people doing gathered around that giant pizza? 240 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,269 That is not a giant pizza, sir. 241 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:10,637 It's eight foot across, man. You don't think that's giant? 242 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:15,795 What kind of pizza house have you been going to? The Fat Bastardoria? 243 00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:21,831 Hey, look at this! I think we just pulled the gunman out of the window! 244 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:23,991 FBI! Drop the gun! 245 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,391 - Don't shoot! - Hands on heads! 246 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,815 You are hereby charged with the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald, 247 00:19:29,839 --> 00:19:32,470 who valiantly tried to foil your attempt to assassinate the President 248 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:35,439 Thanks to Mr Oswald, the president is alive, but wounded. 249 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:38,911 What is that? Some kind of weapon? Kick it over here! 250 00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:42,952 (WHOOSH) 251 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:47,118 (WHOOSH) 252 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:49,958 (WHOOSH) 253 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,437 Oh! Nice one, Kryts. 254 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:55,109 - Where are we? - It says 1966. 255 00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,396 I must have prodded us forward three years. 256 00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:00,240 At least it'll give us time to analyse the original error. 257 00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:05,630 Hey, there's nobody here. 258 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:09,394 The entire city's deserted. 259 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:19,277 I don't understand it. All we did was save Kennedy's life. 260 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:23,673 - Is that bad? What kind of a dude was he? - He was a fine man. 261 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,758 Look! 262 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:32,673 - Can you get anything for us from his scent? - (SNIFFS) 263 00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:35,313 Male. 264 00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:39,999 Mid-thirties. Last meal... 265 00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,994 a salt beef sandwich with extra mayo and a gherkin. 266 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:47,873 Smoker. Starched shirt. Probably married. 267 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:55,838 Eric White. Single, vegetarian... and chairman of the Anti-Smoking League. 268 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,116 I bet I'm right about the gherkin, though. 269 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:02,757 It looks like he was trampled to death in some kind of stampede. 270 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,071 Just processing. (BLEEPS) 271 00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:10,278 I'll re-route the results through my chest monitor. 272 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:14,599 President Kennedy was impeached in 1964 273 00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:18,515 for sharing a mistress with Mafia boss Sam Giancana. 274 00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:21,433 It was the biggest scandal in American history. 275 00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:26,037 Kennedy was sentenced to three years in an open prison in July '65. 276 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:30,512 J Edgar Hoover became president. He was forced to run by the mob, 277 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:34,116 who had pictures of him at a transvestite orgy. 278 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:38,271 So America had a president controlled by the Mafia? 279 00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:42,752 Soon after his election, the USSR were allowed to install a nuclear base in Cuba 280 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:46,914 in return for Mafia cocaine trafficking between Cuba and the States. 281 00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:50,158 With a Soviet nuclear base 30 miles from the US mainland, 282 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:53,318 people fled from all the major cities. 283 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:58,236 So am I right in thinking there's a chance I could get a major nuclear explosion all over this suit? 284 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:02,280 'Cause I'm telling you guys, that stuff does not dry-clean! 285 00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:05,717 - Back to Starbug. - Starbug isn't there. It doesn't exist. 286 00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:07,917 - What? - How come? 287 00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:11,516 Best guess, Kennedy's impeachment in '64 traumatised the American nation, 288 00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:14,274 allowing the USSR to win the space race. 289 00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:18,832 In this reality, it was probably the Russians who were the first to land on the Moon. 290 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:20,427 So we're marooned? 291 00:22:20,451 --> 00:22:24,754 How was I supposed to know a chicken vindaloo was going to cause all this? 292 00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:27,673 - But you guys said Kennedy was a great pres. - He was. 293 00:22:27,840 --> 00:22:31,037 He was also an inveterate womaniser. His affairs were legendary. 294 00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:35,797 - They never came out when he was alive. - Every man has his weak spot, his Achilles' heel. 295 00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:38,031 Kennedy's was just higher up. 296 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:43,957 If I knew this was gonna happen, I would've had an egg sarnie and finished the Cinzano. 297 00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:46,316 Kryten, what've I done, man? 298 00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:50,360 Well, you've brought the 20th century to the very brink of extinction, sir. 299 00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,750 - Gum? - What is wrong with you? 300 00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:58,677 Where is your compassion? You've got about as much warmth as a service station chip! 301 00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:00,990 That's right, you've got no behaviour protocols, have ya? 302 00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:03,271 And you thought causality didn't matter? 303 00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:08,229 Every action we take has trillions of implications. How come you forgot that? 304 00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:11,995 Oh, I didn't forget, sir. I just didn't care. I've got no guilt. 305 00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:13,639 Ah. 306 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:17,077 I nicked Kryten's body. That's Spare Head Two. 307 00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:18,992 I removed his guilt chip. 308 00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:25,195 You have altered the entire course of civilisation from the 20th century onwards, 309 00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:28,716 you've brought the world to the bring of nuclear war, and worst of all... 310 00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:32,032 I know, I know. I still haven't had a curry. 311 00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:34,999 No, worst of all, the Time Drive has frozen. 312 00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:37,151 Let me see. 313 00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:43,154 Do you think it's because the sub-space conduits have locked with the transponder calibrations 314 00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:46,199 and caused a major tachyon surge that has overloaded the time matrix? 315 00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:49,239 No, sir. I've just been jabbing it too hard. 316 00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:52,391 So what now? 317 00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:57,313 We need to have time to work out how to unfreeze it. 318 00:23:57,480 --> 00:24:01,713 I suggest we set up camp here for the night, and perhaps 'Kryten' can go and look for some food. 319 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:03,234 I'm on my way, sir! 320 00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:09,319 How can the same guy be an icon in one reality 321 00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:12,871 and a criminal in the next for doing exactly the same things? 322 00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:17,119 - In one reality, he wasn't caught. - Yeah, but was he a good guy or not a good guy? 323 00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:20,597 - Both. - But somewhere along the way, just like me, 324 00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:23,752 he disabled his guilt chip and discarded his behaviour protocols. 325 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:26,355 - Power corrupts. - Is it true? 326 00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:29,797 - Can you be two things simultaneously? - Take you, sir. 327 00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:32,634 In some ways, you're bright, sensitive and caring. 328 00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:36,196 In other ways, you're an irresponsible, curry-obsessed moron. 329 00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:41,109 Thanks, Kryten. That's... Wow, yeah. 330 00:24:42,360 --> 00:24:45,671 It's hopeless. I can't fix it. We're trapped. 331 00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:52,714 - Chicken's good. - Yeah, yeah, it's really good. 332 00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:57,273 - That's not chicken, sirs. - Oh, what is it? 333 00:24:57,480 --> 00:24:59,756 It's that man we found. It's Eric. 334 00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:03,954 - What? - Well, it seemed such a waste 335 00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:07,590 to just leave him lying there when he'd barbecue so beautifully. 336 00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:11,839 - (SNIGGERS) - Did I do wrong? I didn't get any error commands. 337 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:17,513 Obviously, I thought about it because without my guilt chip or moral imperatives I had nothing to guide me. 338 00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:20,951 But it seemed to me that if humanoids eat chicken, 339 00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:25,114 then obviously they'd eat their own species, otherwise they'd just be picking on the chickens. 340 00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:30,115 One minute you're down, the next you're right back up again. 341 00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:36,071 - I just said I was enjoying that. - I knew it didn't smell right! Oh, my God! 342 00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:40,752 - I'm a cannibal! - (BLEEPING) 343 00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:44,879 - Look! - Right, let's get out of here! 344 00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:48,954 I badly need to floss a piece of roasted dead person out of my teeth! 345 00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:53,911 - Where to? - Ah, Hawaii. Let's catch some surf. 346 00:25:55,240 --> 00:26:00,360 No. No. We've got to go back and stop ourselves interfering with the assassination. 347 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:05,199 I don't care where we go, as long as it's before we had dinner! 348 00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,794 - Decorators. - Try up on the sixth floor. 349 00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:24,876 Isn't this sick, I mean just standing by and allow the president to be killed? 350 00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:29,716 - Not if you're Eric White it ain't. - To think, Eric's out there right now 351 00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:34,909 without any idea that one day he'll become a between-meals snack that does ruin your appetite. 352 00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:38,794 Unless we put things back the way they were. 353 00:26:47,360 --> 00:26:50,796 Stand back, sir, our original selves are about to beam in. 354 00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:56,319 When they realise their mistake they'll beam out again. I propose we go down to the fourth. 355 00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:00,037 - (GUNSHOT) - First shot! 356 00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:06,032 - It doesn't smell right. I think he's missed. - How come? 357 00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:08,714 He's right, sir, by sending Oswald up to the sixth, 358 00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:12,475 we've made the trajectory of his shot so steep he's only wounded him. 359 00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:15,200 Let's start again and bring him back down to the fifth. 360 00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:19,149 We can't use the fifth. Our original selves are destined to beam in there as fires his third shot 361 00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:21,550 and this version of us is now on the fourth. 362 00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:26,157 We've been copied more times than that poster of the tennis girl scratching her butt. 363 00:27:26,440 --> 00:27:28,328 If we could arrange somehow for a second gunman 364 00:27:28,352 --> 00:27:31,355 to fire from just behind that little hill over there, covered in lawn... 365 00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:34,239 You mean the, er... the grassy knoll, sir? 366 00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:36,391 Yeah, that'd solve it, wouldn't it? 367 00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:38,710 Shoot the pres? Who? 368 00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:41,315 - You can count me out. - Yeah, and me. 369 00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:48,553 Hang on. Maybe, just maybe, there's someone who can get us out of this mess. 370 00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:55,160 - Where are we going? - Idlewild Airport, July '65. 371 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:10,039 (WHOOSH) 372 00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:17,192 This is right, he's being escorted to Hoover Open Prison in New York. Give me five minutes. 373 00:28:18,080 --> 00:28:19,354 (WHOOSH) 374 00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:25,877 Don't be alarmed, sir, but I have a very strange tale to tell. 375 00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:30,678 I, ah, have had plenty of time to reflect on my days in the White House. 376 00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:34,231 In all important respects, I believe I did a good job. 377 00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:38,792 It was right to plan a pull-out of Vietnam, to fight for civil rights, 378 00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:42,112 and, ah, to fight Congress, ah, to put a man on the Moon. 379 00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:49,038 It was, ah, wrong, however, to, ah, act like an irresponsible jackass with all those women 380 00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:53,194 and allow my enemies to wreak havoc on our nation. 381 00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:57,473 But I can help, man... I mean, Mr President, man... I mean, sir. 382 00:28:57,680 --> 00:28:59,910 And how er, can you help? 383 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:04,591 Well, come with us back to Dallas, November 1963, Be a second gunman. 384 00:29:04,760 --> 00:29:07,115 The gunman behind the grassy knoll. 385 00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:11,951 You mean... assassinate myself? 386 00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:16,279 Yeah. It'll drive the conspiracy nuts crazy, but they'll never figure it out. 387 00:29:17,440 --> 00:29:19,875 But I still have a future here. 388 00:29:20,040 --> 00:29:26,389 Jackie left me, but, ah, when I get out, I can, ah, still make a contribution to the world. 389 00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:30,039 See this airport? Idlewild Airport? 390 00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:33,875 In our reality, they renamed it JFK after you. 391 00:29:34,080 --> 00:29:37,994 Where I come from, you're a liberal icon, and that's the person you should be. 392 00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:41,551 But if you're gonna be that person, you gonna have to sacrifice your life. 393 00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:46,591 And only then will my reputation be restored in history? 394 00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:49,792 Mmm. And I can get a smeggin' curry. 395 00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:56,471 Ask not what your country can do for you... 396 00:29:56,640 --> 00:29:59,519 ask what you can do for your country. 397 00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:02,951 - Hey, that'd make a pretty neat speech, that! - It did. 398 00:30:35,840 --> 00:30:42,189 I, ah... thank you all for giving me the opportunity to, ah... be reborn. 399 00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:06,719 Smeg! 400 00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:10,794 I forgot to ask if there are any curry houses in Dallas! 401 00:31:14,280 --> 00:31:17,511 (CAT WHISTLES NONCHALANTLY) 402 00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:20,271 Aaargh! 403 00:31:30,560 --> 00:31:32,198 Right, Krytie. Same drill. 404 00:31:32,360 --> 00:31:34,829 You measure the output voltage. I'll note the reading. 405 00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:37,640 Just give me a second to get in position. 406 00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:42,834 Right. In your own time. 407 00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:57,079 Well? 408 00:31:57,240 --> 00:32:00,437 350 volts, sir. Same as the others. 409 00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:03,399 Not that one, then. Still, we're narrowing it down. 410 00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:07,599 - Just 17 more to go. - Sir, might I suggest that we use an actual volt meter, 411 00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:09,831 as opposed to, well... using me? 412 00:32:10,040 --> 00:32:13,078 Oooh! Too good to be a volt meter now, are we? 413 00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:16,631 I dunno, one morning spent poncing around without your guilt chip 414 00:32:16,800 --> 00:32:19,269 and suddenly you think you're some hoity-toity robo-god 415 00:32:19,440 --> 00:32:22,273 instead of the lashed-together Meccano gimboid that you are. 416 00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:25,871 Oh, if you want me to be a volt meter I'm only too happy to be of service. 417 00:32:26,040 --> 00:32:29,292 Why, if you asked me to remove my head and turn it into a chemical toilet, 418 00:32:29,316 --> 00:32:31,718 complete with working flush, I'd be equally honoured. 419 00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:37,193 It's just that firing my eyes out of my head at the speed of sound does invalidate my Divadroid service guarantee. 420 00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:39,960 I would hate to malfunction and you not get a full refund. 421 00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:42,470 I mean, wouldn't that be so annoying? 422 00:32:42,680 --> 00:32:45,399 I am a total twonk. 423 00:32:45,560 --> 00:32:50,589 How could I be such a saliva-dribbling, moronic, brain frozen, putzy little smegger? 424 00:32:50,800 --> 00:32:52,996 It's good that book on self-enlightenment, isn't it? 425 00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:56,397 The curry supplies. There was no debris. 426 00:32:56,560 --> 00:33:00,315 Don't you get it? No little bits of floating crate? They weren't destroyed in the flood. 427 00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:02,670 Well, what happened to them, then? 428 00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:06,913 I took 'em. At some point in the future, I must go back to the past 429 00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:10,550 and bring all the curry supplies to the present. Capisce? 430 00:33:10,760 --> 00:33:15,755 Of course! Oh, it's so simple, even a half concussed gym teacher could understand it. 431 00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:18,236 This is the last jaunt... I promise. 432 00:33:19,360 --> 00:33:23,797 No, absolutely not. As senior technician on this ship, I forbid it, d'you hear me? I absolutely forbid it. 433 00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:26,671 (WHOOSHING) 434 00:33:28,360 --> 00:33:32,957 What is the point of me being his superior officer if he never obeys a single command? 435 00:33:33,120 --> 00:33:36,795 You know, he hasn't even got the good manners to let me court-martial him. Not even when I ask him nicely. 436 00:33:37,840 --> 00:33:41,834 - We might as well have a melon in command. - I thought we had, sir. 437 00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:44,631 Oh, I see. Sorry, sir. 438 00:33:44,800 --> 00:33:47,633 The voltage must have corrupted my comprehension unit. 439 00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:51,633 Stand back! It sounds like something's coming in. 440 00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:54,189 (WHOOSHING) 441 00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:12,594 Yes! This thing is amazing. If only we could use it to get back to Earth our time. 442 00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:17,112 Sir, you saw the havoc we caused in Dallas in the first two seconds of our arrival. 443 00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:21,274 Heaven knows what we'd reduce civilisation to if we lived in the past permanently. 444 00:34:21,440 --> 00:34:26,913 He's right. We don't want anymore idiotic gaffs until... Think we could make it to half four? 445 00:34:30,200 --> 00:34:35,798 You know, I must have passed this thing a million times. What the hell's it for? 446 00:34:48,120 --> 00:34:53,069 Oh! Nice going on the idiotic gaffs front, sir. We almost lasted a full five seconds, there. 447 00:34:53,240 --> 00:34:58,314 Kryten, surely you're not implying that was accidental? I've had that ace up my sleeve for months. 448 00:35:31,240 --> 00:35:33,629 They're not coming back. 449 00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:35,996 I'm lost in deep space, 450 00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:38,720 over three million years from home. 451 00:35:38,880 --> 00:35:42,475 No life, no bird, no nothin'. 452 00:35:43,280 --> 00:35:46,477 Just me and three and a half tons of curry. 453 00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:50,469 Fan-smeggin'-tastic! 454 00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:21,876 # It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere 455 00:36:22,040 --> 00:36:25,396 # I'm all alone, more or less 456 00:36:25,560 --> 00:36:28,712 # Let me fly far away from here 457 00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:31,599 # Fun, fun, fun 458 00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:35,355 # In the sun, sun, sun 459 00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:38,751 # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose 460 00:36:38,920 --> 00:36:42,117 # Drinking fresh mango juice 461 00:36:42,280 --> 00:36:45,432 # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes 462 00:36:45,600 --> 00:36:48,240 # Fun, fun, fun 463 00:36:48,400 --> 00:36:52,155 # In the sun, sun, sun 464 00:36:52,320 --> 00:36:54,960 # Fun, fun, fun 465 00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:59,193 # In the sun, sun, sun #