1
00:00:03,660 --> 00:00:07,619
- Where is the girl?
- In five minutes she'll be facing ze firing squad, Herr Captain

2
00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:13,077
- Good. And the erstwhile protector?
- Festering in ze cargo hold.

3
00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:14,839
Excellent.

4
00:00:17,240 --> 00:00:21,757
Ah, Ace Rimmer.
Might one enquire how you escaped your bonds?

5
00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:25,635
Just has to dislocate both shoulders, pop them
behind my ears and slip between the ropes.

6
00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:28,798
Of course, it's gonna take major
orthopaedic surgery to put them back,

7
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:33,278
but, rest assured, that won't stop me
from rescuing the Princess Bonjella.

8
00:00:33,480 --> 00:00:36,313
You're insane, Rimmer.
You're outmanned and outgunned.

9
00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:41,435
- You expect me to concede?
- No, Mr Rimmer, I expect you to die!

10
00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:46,436
Take him into ze hold, take ten
minutes to explain all our plans to him,

11
00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:49,911
and then... throw him out of the plane.

12
00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:51,440
Out!

13
00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,074
(ROARS)

14
00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:11,833
Ah, Mr Rimmer, sorry I can't stick around
for a chat, but I've got to blow.

15
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:14,560
Do me a favour, will you, and feed Snappy?

16
00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:28,033
What I would give for a gun...

17
00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:29,096
(SNAPPY BELCHES)

18
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:31,873
...or a bottle of Listerine!

19
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:54,957
Goodbye, Ace Rimmer!
You were a most worthy adversary!

20
00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:01,637
(STIRRING HEROIC MUSIC)

21
00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:07,078
(GROWLS)

22
00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:13,273
Aaah! Aaah!

23
00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:23,119
See you later, alligator!

24
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,476
Bereit...

25
00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:39,560
Achtung...

26
00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:43,074
Zielen...

27
00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:48,631
- (GUNSHOTS)
- Feuer!... Argh!

28
00:02:57,400 --> 00:02:59,516
This is my best top, damn it!

29
00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:10,876
Feuer!

30
00:03:13,920 --> 00:03:15,911
Feuer halt!

31
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,630
(ENGINE STARTS)

32
00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:33,717
Princess Bonjella, Ace Rimmer.

33
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:37,589
There'll be time for explanations later...
and hopefully some sex.

34
00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,431
What a guy!

35
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:57,712
- Hold on, Princess!
- Oh, please, Ace, call me Beryl

36
00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:03,551
(WHOOSH)

37
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,031
Bet he's a sour Kraut.

38
00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:44,233
("RED DWARF" THEME)

39
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,714
I simply cannot believe you're
going to go through with it, sir.

40
00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:26,271
I'm a man, Kryten, with a
man's urges and a man's desires.

41
00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:29,034
Well, what about an ice-cold shower, sir?

42
00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:34,471
I've used up this year's water supply
with ice-cold showers, Kryten.

43
00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:37,917
I was looking
at the log this morning - 112 gallons!

44
00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:41,072
If I carry on like this,
my libido's gonna cause a drought.

45
00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:44,995
- You think this is the answer?
- Look, I know how it may look from the outside.

46
00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:50,314
Going into an AR simulation with a book
of cheats and seducing the queen of Camelot?

47
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:54,235
Words fail me. It's quite the most
unchivalrous thing I've ever heard in my life.

48
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:57,552
- Are you my faithful manservant or what?
- I'm ashamed to be with you, sir!

49
00:05:57,720 --> 00:06:01,076
I haven't been this embarrassed
since I was loosening my adjustment screws,

50
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:04,870
and my entire groinal box
dropped into Mr Rimmer's soup.

51
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:10,871
(FANFARE)

52
00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:18,592
Is there any man across the length and breadth of our
great land that dare challenge the king's best knight?

53
00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:20,831
(CHEERING)

54
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:23,876
- I do, sir!
- And you are, sir?

55
00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:26,151
Lister of Smeg.

56
00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:31,991
Good knight, do you accept this challenge
from... Lister of Smeg?

57
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:34,838
I do, my king.

58
00:06:34,862 --> 00:06:37,760
And what do you claim if the
victory should be yours, my Lord?

59
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:41,635
 I claim nothing, sire.
Serving the king is reward enough.

60
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,110
(CHEERING)

61
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:46,755
And you... Lister of Smeg,

62
00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:52,319
What prize do you claim
if you should defeat my best knight?

63
00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:57,720
I claim, my lord, a night and a day
in the bed of your good lady.

64
00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:59,479
(BOOING)

65
00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:03,196
A night and a day in
the bed of my good lady?

66
00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:08,149
(FRENCH ACCENT) We accept ze challenge.

67
00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:11,078
Do we?

68
00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,231
We do.

69
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:18,989
My lady, I think we should
discuss this matter in private.

70
00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:23,996
Do you not have faith in your good knight
to cut this dog down where he stands?

71
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:26,999
I do... sort of.

72
00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:30,111
Then we accept.

73
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:34,555
Good knight, bring me this
knave's manhood on a silver platter...

74
00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:37,354
Hey, steady!

75
00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:41,440
Then disembowel him and
feed his innards to the crows!

76
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:43,756
(CHEERING)

77
00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:47,829
This is worse than playing away at Leeds.

78
00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:52,636
(FANFARE)

79
00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:59,152
When my lace 'ankerchief
flutters onto ze ground,

80
00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:01,311
ze challenge shall commence!

81
00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:05,479
I just luuurve that accent. Rrrrarrr!

82
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:10,072
If I were you, Mr Galahad, sir, I'd
concentrate on memorising your cheats book.

83
00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:19,557
(CHEERING)

84
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,310
Cheat one - codeword "steedcheat".

85
00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:32,118
Ha!

86
00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:36,393
Heh-heh-heh!

87
00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:47,831
I claim my prize, my Lord.

88
00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:52,638
(JEERING AND BOOING)

89
00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:04,552
You are the scurviest knave in Christendom!

90
00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:10,238
But I swear to you, your scheme
to seduce my fair lady will not succeed!

91
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:16,869
Cheat two - codeword "chastitycheat".

92
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:19,239
(CLUNK)

93
00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:29,354
Scum. Absolute scum!

94
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:34,553
If he that calls himself Lister of Smeg
has a grain of honour in his soul,

95
00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:38,839
that tent will part this very instant,
and he will return to me my lady

96
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:41,077
and beg the king's forgiveness!

97
00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:46,518
- Has anybody got any whipped cream?
- Whipped cream?

98
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:52,589
- Ace, we need to find a dimension close by.
- Understood, Computer. Prepare to jump.

99
00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:00,154
- Hey! What's happening?
- Power failure, sir!

100
00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:02,436
Electrics are going down.

101
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:04,916
(ALARM SOUNDS)

102
00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:09,392
The red, green and blue alert signs are all
flashing! What the smeg does that mean?

103
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:13,389
Either we're under attack, sir,
or we're having a disco.

104
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:16,353
(ALARM BUZZES)

105
00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:22,071
I'm locked out! Everything's dead!

106
00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:24,351
Steering's gone, thrusters are down

107
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,319
and we're heading straight
for that ion storm in Sector 12!

108
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:31,232
- Morning!
- What the smeee is going on?

109
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:34,199
- A power drain's knocking out all the generators!
- Cause?

110
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:38,672
An object of such awesome power
and charisma, it's flattened all the grids!

111
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:42,515
At first, I thought it was me, but it turns
out it's some kind of craft dimension jumping.

112
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:43,595
Any ident details?

113
00:10:43,619 --> 00:10:46,389
The last time we came across a
lunatic trying to pull a stunt like this,

114
00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:49,632
it was Captain Smug Git himself "Ace" Rimmer.

115
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:52,394
Dear God, don't make it be him, I couldn't bare it.

116
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:56,559
This is the JMC transport ship Starbug
opening channels. Please identify yourself.

117
00:10:57,680 --> 00:11:01,799
Well, I said I'd be back for breakfast,
How are those kippers doing, fellas?

118
00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:07,152
Ace, buddy! How you doing?

119
00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:11,069
All the better for seeing you, Cat, old friend.
Is that a new suit you're wearing?

120
00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:15,029
Why, it's sharper than a page of Oscar Wilde
witticisms that have been rolled up into a point,

121
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,714
sprinkled with lemon juice
and jabbed into someone's eye.

122
00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:21,678
Wow, that's sharp! Thanks, buddy!

123
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:27,353
According to the log, we're down to our last
3,000 vomit bags. It'll never be enough.

124
00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:35,273
- Ace, good to see ya, how you doing?
- Never better, Skipper. Sorry to DJ so close.

125
00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:40,435
Ship's computer made a minor calculation error. Poor thing's
got a bit of a crush on me, it doesn't know what day it is.

126
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:41,930
So, what have
you been up to, sir?

127
00:11:41,954 --> 00:11:45,276
Nothing special. Saved a couple of
universes, overthrown a few dictatorships,

128
00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:48,796
turned down heap full of marriage
proposals and had my highlights done.

129
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:50,951
What a guy!

130
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:52,639
Off!

131
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:58,510
So, what's new with you chaps? Arnie?

132
00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:01,320
I've been pretty damn
busy myself, actually.

133
00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:05,474
Let me see - I've begun researching
the definitive history of pockets

134
00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:08,593
and I've alphabetised
our entire stock of alphabet soup,

135
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:11,798
grouping each individual letter
together with its fellows.

136
00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:18,119
I'll take you to the guest quarters, bud, we can catch up.
For starters, you can tell me the name of your stylist!

137
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:21,233
Thanks, Cat, but with your driving
skills, you should be at the helm.

138
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:27,351
Incidentally, it's Astro Cuts in the Theta
Sector, Dimension 24. Ask for Alphonse.

139
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,080
Oowwww! Yeah!

140
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:33,838
- Arnie, up for a stroll?
- Thanks for the offer,

141
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:38,631
but I'd rather smear my genitalia with fish paste
and dangle them in a pool of hungry piranhas.

142
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:41,796
I'll take that as a no, then.

143
00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:44,990
- Come on Rimmer, go with him.
- I don't want to.

144
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:50,320
- But sir, he wants you to.
- I want him to choke to death on his own smug gittyness.

145
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:53,040
We don't always get what we want.

146
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:55,834
Rimmer he asked for you, he
obviously feels some sort of bond.

147
00:12:56,040 --> 00:13:01,752
The only bonding I want to do with him involves
a tube of superglue and a rabid hamster.

148
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:06,596
Oh, all right. I'm going.

149
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:09,798
God! Tch!

150
00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:17,590
OK, allow me to show you to your sleeping quarters,
they're about 50 yards down there on the right. Bye!

151
00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:19,876
(GROANS)

152
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:24,516
I think... I may need some help here, Arn.

153
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:35,035
I knew it! You pretend to be a big shot
when they're around,

154
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:38,750
but as soon as no one's watching,
you're as butch as an ice-skater's friend

155
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:43,158
What's the problem? Travel sickness? The strap
on your padded codpiece too tight again?

156
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:49,838
 Sorry to sound so damn melodramatic
but... I'm afraid I'm... on the way out.

157
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:52,839
- You're what?
- About to visit the great airfield in the sky,

158
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,236
lose all my breathing privileges.

159
00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:58,391
- You're dying?
- You've got it, Arn.

160
00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:02,155
Your brain moves quicker
than a nun's first curry.

161
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:04,556
You're really dying?

162
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:07,519
Arnie...

163
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:12,433
I want you to become the next Ace Rimmer.

164
00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:15,433
(LAUGHS)

165
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:18,473
- I mean it, Arn!
- Are fevered rantings one of your symptoms?

166
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:23,678
The universe needs a chap to look up to,
someone to right wrongs,

167
00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:26,349
and just generally be brave,
handsome and all round magnificent.

168
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:29,837
- And you think I'm your man?
- It's your destiny, Arnie.

169
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:34,113
What? To wind up looking
like a reject from a Gay Pride disco?

170
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,914
You're just afraid, old son.
Afraid that you're not good enough.

171
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:40,198
- You've always wanted to play the hero.
- I'm not you.

172
00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:42,954
I think we established
that in your last visit.

173
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:46,198
I'm not the Ace you
met last time, Arnie.

174
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:51,875
He caught the business end
of a neutron tank in Dimension 165.

175
00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:56,238
- I'm a hard-light hologram just like you.
- Ace is dead?

176
00:14:56,440 --> 00:15:00,195
I took over from him, and I
want you to take over from me.

177
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:06,270
My God! What is that stuff?

178
00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:10,590
Light bee's been hit pretty bad.
It's a power leakage.

179
00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:13,679
Electro-magnetic radiation.
I haven't got long.

180
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:18,272
About the time I usually like to spend
making love - say 12 hours, maybe less.

181
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,716
After that, I'll be too weak to train you.

182
00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:25,559
What do you say?

183
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:38,549
It's part of the legend.
I'm not the first Ace, not even the second.

184
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:41,360
There have been... well let's
just say, more than a couple.

185
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:45,713
As one Ace dies, he recruits his
replacement from a parallel dimension.

186
00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:48,998
We all start off as caterpillars
and turn into butterflies.

187
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:53,717
But you're talking about a man who at the first sign of
danger cowers under tables with a colander on his head.

188
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:55,922
Skipper, you can't
judge a book by its cover.

189
00:15:55,946 --> 00:16:00,077
And you can't confuse Rimmer with a
book. For a starter, a book's got a spine.

190
00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:03,517
Let me train him, that's all I ask. Talk to him, persuade him.

191
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:09,157
(SNIGGERS)

192
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:16,552
- What is it? What's the joke?
- Nothing, nothing. (LAUGHS)

193
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:18,711
Well, clearly, it's not nothing.

194
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:22,953
Clearly, you've just heard something
terribly amusing, clearly.

195
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:28,479
It's just that Ace has just told me about
trying to get you to be the next Ace Rimmer.

196
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:31,991
Yes, sadly, I've gotta sort out my shoe
collection or I'd have jumped at it like a shot.

197
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:38,034
It's just you, y'know?
The next Ace. The very idea! (LAUGHS)

198
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:42,592
It's not so ridiculous, Lister!
Other versions of me have turned into him.

199
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:47,038
In fact, if I wasn't needed around here so badly,
I think I'd very likely take him up on it.

200
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:50,192
Rimmer, don't take this the wrong way,
but how could you be the next Ace?

201
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:53,597
I mean, you're a gutless,
spineless, gormless, directionless,

202
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:57,071
neurotic, underachieving,
snivelling, cowardly pile of smeg.

203
00:16:57,840 --> 00:16:59,672
No offence...

204
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:03,629
But get real, man.
Most eunuchs have got more balls than you.

205
00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:07,549
Well, that, my fine, madras-guzzling
friend, is where you are wrong,

206
00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:11,714
because I've taken Ace up on
his offer, and training begins...

207
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:14,791
right now.

208
00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:29,511
Er, why have you brought me here?

209
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:32,513
Take a look around, Arnie. The plateau, the summit.

210
00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:35,672
This is where you must be
to become Ace Rimmer.

211
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:39,635
No, this where you must be
to become Maria Von Trapp.

212
00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:45,116
Just concentrate. Feel the wind
on your face. Be the wind, Arnie.

213
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:48,750
Unleash the wild power
you know lurks inside of you.

214
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:52,390
Be the cougar running free and
unfettered through the mountains.

215
00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:56,594
- Be the what?
- Come on, man. You can do it. Concentrate!

216
00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:01,190
See the cougar, Arnie?
It's you. Can you see it?

217
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:07,237
Er... sort of.

218
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:17,518
Oh, I'll never be Ace.
We tried. We failed. I give up!

219
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:21,069
All your life you've given up.

220
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:23,754
Well, maybe after more training!

221
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:29,199
I can't keep up the dog and pony show
any longer. It's now or never.

222
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:32,279
- What's that?
- Light bee remote.

223
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:44,795
If you can fool your crewmates
into thinking you're me...

224
00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:49,071
..we'll know you're ready.

225
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:05,274
- But I'm not ready!
- Try it the other way round.

226
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:23,196
(SUAVE VOICE) The name's
Rimmer... Ace Ri-oh, this is ridiculous!

227
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:29,316
Ah, Mr Ace, sir. Everything OK?

228
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:31,915
What? Er, yes, Kryten.. Krytie.

229
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:34,071
(SUAVE VOICE) Uh, yeah, everything's fine.

230
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:38,677
- Are you sure, sir? You sound a little different.
- Er... could you be more specific?

231
00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:41,753
67% more weaselly.

232
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:43,718
Errrrrrr...

233
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:45,871
Ah, sore throat. Uh, sore throat.

234
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:49,351
Bug going around, a holographic virus.
But it affects humans too.

235
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:53,195
Arnie's got it. I've quarantined him
for 24 hours. No one's to go near him.

236
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:57,831
I was just wondering, sir,
we ran out of Bacofoil about six months ago.

237
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:02,233
I don't suppose you have a spare jacket
I might roast a chicken in?

238
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,550
Listen, you stupid,
jumped-up little son-of-a...

239
00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:07,951
Ohhh! Sorry, old friend.
Afraid not. Catch you later.

240
00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:23,910
I bid you good day, my Lord. I come
in search of the knave called Lister of Smeg.

241
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:27,554
Now, wait a minute, old friend.
Let's just stay calm, shall we?

242
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:31,549
- Are you one of his household?
- Er... in a manner of speaking.

243
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:33,910
Then prepare to die!

244
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:37,630
Ha! Yah!

245
00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:01,074
Let's talk about this shall we. Over a pot of tea and some toasted muffins?

246
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:11,675
OK, how about some scones and clotted cream?
Dundee cake? Battenburg?

247
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:36,553
My God! I did it!

248
00:21:57,520 --> 00:21:59,955
(KNIGHT'S VOICE) So far...

249
00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:02,111
(NORMAL VOICE) ..so good.

250
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:10,314
I did it! That's the most heroic thing I've done since I
set fire to Stinky Bateman's turn-ups in 3rd Form prep!

251
00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:15,878
Well done, Arnie.
You've done us proud. (GASPS)

252
00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:21,512
Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for...

253
00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:25,234
(SCREECH OF FEEDBACK)

254
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:33,039
What's happening, bro?
What's happened to Goalpost Head?

255
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:36,079
No, you don't understand.

256
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:38,231
It's not me, it's him.

257
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:41,392
Sir, you're in shock. The trauma
has made you speak like Mr Rimmer.

258
00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:43,358
What happened?

259
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:48,959
Ah.

260
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:55,791
One of them knights
has escaped from the AR machine.

261
00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:58,600
It's killed Rimmer. Isn't that right, Ace?

262
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:09,839
We should give Rimmer
a decent send-off, you know.

263
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:13,072
- It's the least he deserves.
- I just can't believe it.

264
00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:16,596
Neither can I. I was only
insulting him just this morning.

265
00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:21,391
Poor Mr Rimmer, I haven't felt this wretched
since Spare Head Three told me the others held a poll

266
00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:24,120
and voted me the big-eared ugly one.

267
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:35,438
Hey.

268
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:39,719
- Decided what you're gonna do?
- I thought I might stick around here for a bit,

269
00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:42,713
(AS ACE)
get the hang of the character, as it were.

270
00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:47,352
- What's that?
- Ace asked me to fit it.

271
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:52,276
He said it would take his coffin to its final
resting place, alongside all the other Ace Rimmers.

272
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:56,115
He's left some more beacons behind
for the Aces that follow you.

273
00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:58,271
I'm getting cold feet, Listy.

274
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:01,876
I'm not sure I can go through
with it. Leave, I mean, be Ace.

275
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:04,793
You heard what he said. It's your destiny.

276
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:08,157
It's my destiny to be a
smug, self-satisfied git?

277
00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:15,151
OK, so he was a bit full of himself, but you
can be a different kind of Ace. It's up to you.

278
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:21,396
Look, he said if you got cold feet we should follow
the coffin. He said it might make you change your mind.

279
00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:27,711
We are gathered here today
to say our final farewells to Mr Rimmer.

280
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:31,072
On occasion,
he was a small-minded, bureaucratic,

281
00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:33,914
incompetent, cowardly little... person,

282
00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:36,276
but he also had his good qualities.

283
00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:38,676
Those WERE his good qualities!

284
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:44,319
To say something about the finer side
of his nature, I'd like to turn now to Mr Lister.

285
00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:58,793
Alexander the Great's chief eunuch
has finally joined his master.

286
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:01,798
The man who kept his underpants
on coat-hangers

287
00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:05,635
and sewed name labels
into his ship-issue condoms has passed on.

288
00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:10,870
Life will never be the same.
We have lost the finest,

289
00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:13,793
most dedicated vending machine
repairman the Space Corps -

290
00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:17,954
no, no, the universe - has ever known.

291
00:25:18,120 --> 00:25:23,513
No one ever pressed for a Coke and got oxtail
soup and orange juice by mistake on his shift.

292
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:27,560
Well, actually, that's not true we all did,
but what the smeg - this is his eulogy.

293
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:32,999
He didn't have very many friends, but those
that he did have were with him at the end.

294
00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:37,597
Even Rachel,
who I suppose in many ways is his widow.

295
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:45,356
- See you, smeg-head.
- Later, bud.

296
00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:49,070
Goodbye, Mr Smeeee-Heeee.

297
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:51,709
Bye...Ironballs.

298
00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:55,356
And finally, this...

299
00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:57,909
When Rimmer originally
died aboard Red Dwarf,

300
00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:02,836
Holly brought him back as a hologram
to keep me sane - never an easy task.

301
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:08,439
He succeeded spectacularly, and for
this accomplishment, we award him this.

302
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:13,629
Kryten, place First Officer Rimmer's
decoration into the coffin.

303
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:15,791
Right away, sir.

304
00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:25,394
Gentlemen... First Officer Rimmer.

305
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:28,916
First Officer Rimmer.

306
00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:59,755
(BLEEPING)

307
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:26,593
All those Rimmers...

308
00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:32,756
They all did it. They all became
Ace and passed on their flame.

309
00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:35,230
Are you really gonna be
the one to break the chain?

310
00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:41,471
It's been a blast, fellas.

311
00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:44,357
- Bye, man.
- Bye, dude.

312
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:47,200
Au revoir, Mr Ace, sir.

313
00:27:47,500 --> 00:27:50,538
Stoke me a clipper,
I'll be back for Christmas... Whatever.

314
00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:03,394
Just had to say one last goodbye!

315
00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:12,993
- See you, Davey boy.
- Yeah, good luck, man.

316
00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:22,637
(STIRRING HEROIC MUSIC)