1
00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:43,231
(WHOOSH)

2
00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:51,157
All right? Anyone serving or what?

3
00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:54,039
(WOMAN) With you in a minute, luv.

4
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:55,759
(BABY CRIES)

5
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:14,076
- Hello, Frank, pet. What can I get for ya?
- Look at this, I just found it under the pool table.

6
00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:17,278
- Any note?
- No, nothin'.

7
00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:20,438
Oh!

8
00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:25,954
They've written its name on the side here.

9
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:28,390
"Our Rob or Ross."

10
00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:34,157
Yeah, look at the way it's spelt? They must've
been thicker than a ticket tout's wad.

11
00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:38,149
- Couldn't even decide on a name.
- Oh, poor little mite.

12
00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:42,109
I wonder what'll become of him?
Somethin' terrible, no doubt.

13
00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:08,119
I hate doing that! I hate doing that!

14
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,352
(TINKLING)

15
00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:17,714
Smeg!

16
00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:19,871
I've just sneezed out me cap!

17
00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:24,318
Just thought I'd change your linen
before you turn in for the night, sir.

18
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,591
Kryten, something terrible's
happened, I've lost me cap.

19
00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:30,509
No, no, here it is, sir. I've just
finished giving it its monthly scrape.

20
00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:34,270
My tooth cap, the one you made
from the skeleton in medi-bay.

21
00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:38,075
- Oh, I see.
- Hey! Here it is.

22
00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:41,392
I need some glue to stick it in. I've just got
that needly, pointy thing, I look disgusting.

23
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:45,070
- Let me see.
- No, I look all needly, pointy and disgusting.

24
00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:49,478
Let me see, sir. I'm a mechanoid, for goodness'
sake. I won't be revolted, no matter how you look.

25
00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:50,960
OK.

26
00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:54,035
Oh, my God! It's hideous!

27
00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:56,231
(GIGGLES)

28
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:58,391
Yeah, very funny. Just fix it.

29
00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:00,870
It'll take about half an hour to
prepare some dental adhesive.

30
00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:03,833
Give me some wood glue.
You can redo it in the morning.

31
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:08,710
Wood glue? Are you sure, sir? Oh, I don't want you
to get your lips glued together, now be careful.

32
00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:15,074
Oh, incidentally, I just found some
old clothes in one of the storage lockers.

33
00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:17,675
Hey! I need a dressing gown.

34
00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:22,351
Well, that's what I thought.
You know, I thought if I remove the trim,

35
00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:26,718
let it out a little bit, obviously dye
it, well, I think it could be just dandy.

36
00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:29,917
Yeah. Nice one, Kryts.

37
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:33,596
Perhaps I could take the necessary
measurements now, sir?

38
00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:36,876
I wonder why guys have nostril hair.

39
00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:38,872
I think it's nature's way of telling you

40
00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:41,873
it's time to buy a flat cap
and a pair of driving gloves, sir.

41
00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:44,998
Worst are those guys who just let it grow.

42
00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:48,596
They look like they've got like, half a loo brush
lodged up each nostril.

43
00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:50,956
They look like those machines
that shine your shoes.

44
00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:53,680
Curious, isn't it, that most women
aren't similarly afflicted.

45
00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:56,480
Obviously, I'm excluding women
who work in Oxfam shops.

46
00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:00,398
Pain: it evens itself out, doesn't it?

47
00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:04,633
Women have the agony
of childbirth and we have... this.

48
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:11,111
(WHINES) They don't
know they're born! They don't!

49
00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:29,194
What is wrong with me? Now I've got
a box of floss attached to me face!

50
00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:33,713
Hey! Nice outfit!

51
00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:36,554
- Did you come in here for a reason?
- Oh, yeah!

52
00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:41,032
Something's showing up on the long-range
scan which is weird with a capital "WE".

53
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:44,153
- Can you be a tad more scientific?
- Come again?

54
00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:47,199
Is it a wibbly thing or a swirly thing, sir?

55
00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:52,434
At this early stage, I'd hate to commit myself
and wind up looking a fool. Come see for yourself.

56
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:56,318
Wibbly thing or swirly thing...

57
00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:58,869
and he refuses to commit himself?

58
00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:02,796
He's losing it. He really is.

59
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:12,717
It's some kind of power surge that's causing a
major disturbance in the fabric of space-time.

60
00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:16,754
It's also causing a major disturbance
in the fabric of my pants!

61
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,839
- It's almost like a tear.
- Perhaps a temporal rip.

62
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:22,230
I'm gonna turn this tub around
and try and outrun it.

63
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:26,559
Get real, man. That thing out there's going
faster than a copy of "Hello!" in a nunnery.

64
00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:33,799
Suggest we treat it like a tidal wave, sir, and
head straight for the eye of the storm.

65
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,798
Are you sure about that?

66
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:39,669
Because intestines and this suit won't work
without colon-coloured accessories.

67
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,831
I need to know - should I change?

68
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:45,834
Cat, go for it, man. The eye of the storm.

69
00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:55,993
We seem to be through the worst of it...

70
00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:59,755
but I'm picking up some kind of sub-space
energy disturbance down on the engineering deck.

71
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,315
You're right, sir. It's off the scale.

72
00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:06,354
Now, for a sub-space energy disturbance,
I'm dressed perfectly.

73
00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:09,080
Let's check it out.

74
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:19,958
According to the psi-scan,

75
00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:23,715
the membrane between two realities
has temporarily collapsed.

76
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:27,839
This is some kind of hyperway
through non-space to a parallel dimension.

77
00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:31,470
Well, let's have a goosey.

78
00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:44,070
(TEARING AND WHOOSHING)

79
00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:47,350
Careful, sir. The linkway's
about as stable as an Italian

80
00:06:47,374 --> 00:06:50,874
taxi driver who's got stuck
behind two old priests in a Skoda.

81
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:53,637
What the hell is that?

82
00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:56,394
Non-space, sir.
An abyss of infinite nothingness

83
00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:58,756
where time doesn't seem to exist.

84
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,270
Sounds like Rimmer's organ recital night.

85
00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:12,077
I recognise those guys. Wait. Don't tell me.

86
00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:14,317
How's it going?

87
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:19,029
- So, you're a hologram.
- Hard light.

88
00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:21,516
So in your dimension, Lister died?

89
00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:23,836
In the radiation leak
that wiped out Red Dwarf.

90
00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:26,714
Why didn't you get put into
stasis like me? What happened?

91
00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:29,355
Remember coming back
from shore leave on Mimas?

92
00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:33,679
I'd taken a couple of days off
to get over Kochanski. Yeah, I remember...

93
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:38,950
Where the hell have you been?
I've reported you as AWOL.

94
00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:43,156
I've been on shore leave, man.
Didn't you get me message?

95
00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:47,752
You're supposed to apply to a superior officer
before you get shore leave, Lister.

96
00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:49,194
Look, Rimmer, give me a break.

97
00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:52,159
Ever since Kochanski split with me,
I've needed some time on me own, ok?

98
00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:54,675
- Kochanski dumped you?
- Yeah.

99
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:57,593
- She really dumped you?
- Yes!

100
00:07:57,760 --> 00:08:01,355
You didn't tell me! You should've told me.
Are you really heartbroken?

101
00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:03,750
- You know, man, you know...
- You are, aren't you?

102
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:05,558
OK, yes! Yes!

103
00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:08,673
Didn't I tell you you'd never bridge
that class division?

104
00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:12,834
Take her - navigation officer,
cadet school, Space Corps, well-spoken,

105
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:16,789
can stay awake during operas,
knows her cheeses.

106
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:19,349
She's class. And you? What are you?

107
00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:21,955
I don't mean to sound cruel,
but in comparison you're scum.

108
00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:23,519
And second-rate scum, at that.

109
00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:28,117
Yeah, but don't forget: I used to be fourth-rate
scum. I've dragged meself up by me bootstraps, bub.

110
00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:31,830
Listy, Listy, your type isn't Kochanski, Listy.

111
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:35,709
It's someone called Tiffany.
Someone who drinks Campari and soda

112
00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:38,190
and wears orange crotchless panties,

113
00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:40,510
someone who thinks deelyboppers are funny,

114
00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:43,354
someone who says "sumfink"
instead of "something"

115
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:46,751
and Laughs like a freshly-wounded moose
strapped to a cement mixer.

116
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:50,117
This from a man
who's had less sex than a lettuce.

117
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:51,634
Oh, ha-ha

118
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:54,030
People who say "ha-ha"
have no sense of humour.

119
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,874
They just can't think of a witty retort.

120
00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:59,077
Oh, ha-ha

121
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:03,635
Ms Kochanski, ma'am.

122
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:07,557
I don't suppose you've read my proposal
for a new Space Corps salute?

123
00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:12,831
It's just, I'm trying to get the support of the
officers to have it replace the conventional one

124
00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:16,556
I don't want to pressure you, but it is
rather important because if you like it,

125
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:22,636
that brings the overall total of officers
who are right behind it up to... one.

126
00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,478
- Rimmer?
- Yes, ma'am?

127
00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:27,798
- Have sex with someone. And that's an order.
- Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am.

128
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:32,437
'Ere. Ring this number. Say I sent you.
Tell them it's an emergency.

129
00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:36,278
- Hi
- Hmm...

130
00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:41,389
I just wanted to say, look,
I'm sorry for the Dear John. It was cowardly.

131
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:45,798
What? Oh, that! Sorry, I'd completely
forgot. It seems like years ago.

132
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,230
- It was last week.
- Was it?

133
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:51,074
- Mm-hmm.
- Must've got over it just like that.

134
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:54,312
Oh, come on, Dave. It's just,
we weren't going anywhere.

135
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:56,630
How could we? We never got out of bed.

136
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,950
Look, there's more to life
than hanging out in your bunk,

137
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,191
eating delivery curries
and having fantastic sex.

138
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:05,758
- Frankly, I find that very hard to believe.
- I just wanted to see if we could be friends.

139
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,793
- Do you mean give it another go?
- No, no.

140
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,554
- I'm, er...back with Tim now.
- Tim?!

141
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:14,679
That guy is such a poser!

142
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:18,231
The way he always wears that white suit
and that stupid, big, white floppy hat.

143
00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:19,839
He's a chef!

144
00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:22,790
Yeah, but the way he
always poses around in it,

145
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,918
in the officers' club,
smoking those black cigarettes.

146
00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:29,118
- He's such a phoney.
- At least he's got a vocation.

147
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:30,799
What, and you think because I happen to be

148
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:34,351
vice-assistant vending machine deputy-minion
maintenance repair man, I'm nobody?

149
00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:36,198
Well.. yes.

150
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:40,351
Do you think a guy who brings home ten
free Crunchie bar samples every week

151
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:41,749
hasn't got connections?

152
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,520
- I just think that perhaps, if you would...
- (MIAOWING)

153
00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:51,352
Do you know what you'd get
for smuggling a cat on board?

154
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:55,434
- What? Cat-martialled?
- I could have you before a disciplinary board.

155
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:58,598
- How long before? Do I get chance to shower and change?
- I'm serious!

156
00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:01,673
As serving N.O., I'm supposed to report it!

157
00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:05,037
So report it.
Get me put into stasis for six months.

158
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:09,438
Don't you know how dangerous it is
to smuggle in an un-quarantined animal?

159
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,876
I was lonely. I'd just been dumped
by me girlfriend.

160
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:14,190
It breaks every reg in the manual.

161
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,118
(BEEPING)

162
00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:40,199
Just don't get caught
or I'm out cold for six months, OK?

163
00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:43,591
So you didn't get put into stasis
and died with the rest of the crew?

164
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:47,475
- Then Holly brought me back as a hologram.
- So, what happened to Kochanski?

165
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:51,150
They found the cat,
and she got six months in stasis.

166
00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:53,311
So does that mean...?

167
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:01,994
Hi.

168
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:08,269
- You look great!
- You look pretty amazing yourself.

169
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:12,758
So in this dimension, you didn't die?
You're an alternate version of Dave.

170
00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:19,756
Well, I think of meself as the definitive version,
you know, honed to perfection by time and evolution.

171
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,431
I can see why you'd think that, yeah...

172
00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:29,556
Sirs, ma'am, we've scarcely two hours

173
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:33,315
before the dimensional tear self-repairs
and we lose the linkway.

174
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:37,633
I suggest we might spend some of that time
exchanging supplies and information.

175
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:42,192
We could update your hydrogen RAM-drive
to a tachyon-powered engine core.

176
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:46,359
And in return, maybe we can unscrew
all those old pickle jars you can't open.

177
00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:51,198
- There is something you could do for us.
- Yeah?

178
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:54,557
At some point, I want to have children.

179
00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:59,197
It's a slightly pervy thing to ask, especially seeing
as we've only just met, but perhaps you could...

180
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:03,030
- Yeah?
- After all, we've been... you know, lovers...

181
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,311
- Perhaps you could...
- Yeah?

182
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:10,080
- Fill this up.
- I'd rather be standing a bit closer.

183
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:14,513
It's a self-gamete mixing invitro tube.
I'm already in there.

184
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:17,599
It just needs your... contribution.

185
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:24,156
So it worked out for you guys, then.

186
00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:29,070
I couldn't be more happy. Well, outside
major dental surgery with a rusty knife.

187
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:30,674
Congratulations.

188
00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:36,239
Gelf ship! Somehow they've managed
to infiltrate non-space!

189
00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:47,074
Kris, give me your hand!

190
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:49,556
Hang on to me feet, man!

191
00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:58,480
It's gonna give!

192
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:13,232
(GRUNTS)

193
00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:50,153
- She's really something, isn't she?
- Who is?

194
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:51,958
Officer Bud-Babe.

195
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:57,872
In fact, I'm barely hanging on to my title
as most gorgeous creature on this ship.

196
00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:03,473
Oh, what am I talking about? Am I crazy?

197
00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:08,277
Cat, man, we're under attack. It might be
an idea to get us the smeg out of here.

198
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:14,070
What happened? I thought I'd lost you!

199
00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:17,157
- I think you've mistaken me...
- Shh!

200
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:21,359
- What were you saying?
- Forget it.

201
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:26,389
Oh, dear! Sir, I think Miss Kochanski's
under the delusion that you're...

202
00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:29,473
- Not now, Kryten, man.
- No, but you don't understand me, sir, you see...

203
00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:31,870
- Miss Kochanski thinks that you're
- I'm handling it, OK?

204
00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:34,031
Now, go make some sweet tea or something.

205
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:38,194
- Er... Permission to speak, sir?
- Permission refused!

206
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:46,838
- Wait a minute. This isn't the medi-bay.
- I think you must have mistaken me for your Lister.

207
00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:51,477
- That's what I've been trying to tell you all along, sir!
- Were you?!

208
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:55,950
If only you'd listened to me,
I could have saved you from all that yuckiness.

209
00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:57,559
Is that the kind of guy you are?

210
00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:00,439
Someone who'd take advantage of a woman
who's half insensible?

211
00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:02,916
I was gonna tell you, honestly.

212
00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:05,999
They always taught me in school
it was rude to talk with your mouth full.

213
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:10,191
Wait, you mean I'm stuck here with you?

214
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:14,194
Priscilla, Queen of Deep Space?
No way. I've gotta get that linkway back!

215
00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:15,794
(CRASH)

216
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:20,591
It's not exactly possible at the moment.
We're under attack.

217
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:23,116
- It's back on our tail!
- What is it?

218
00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:25,840
Some Gelf battle cruiser.

219
00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:28,919
They've sent a scan, sir. Take a look.

220
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:32,516
Oh, my God. It's the missus.

221
00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:35,030
- The what?
- Mr Lister's Gelf bride.

222
00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:38,710
We all went to the wedding.
It was just beautiful.

223
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:41,355
- He married this?!
- He had to.

224
00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:45,798
- You mean...?
- We were in a bit of a fix! We needed an engine part.

225
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:51,120
You should visit the orang-utan house at London
Zoo, sometime. Your eyes would be out on stalks!

226
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:56,915
Wait. They're opening comms channels.
Sir, they're demanding you return to your bride.

227
00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:59,230
In Gelf law, separation is impossible

228
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:03,633
without special dispensation
from Hakakhhak-kkhhak...

229
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,638
hhakh-hhakhkhkahak-hkaahkahk-hkhk,

230
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:11,839
Chief Justice of hakhakhk-aahkahkh

231
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:18,110
hkhakkhaakhaaakah-akkk-hhakaaaak
kak-akk-hakkakak ka ka ka.

232
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:23,471
OK, patch me into the NCN,
and I'll lay down an SS line.

233
00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:27,753
- You'll what, Officer BB?
- Quadrant four-niner-two stroke G-eight-seven,

234
00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:31,151
moving across
to Quadrant 2 to Q-four-one stroke nine.

235
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:33,596
- Just follow my coords.
- Your cords?

236
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:36,269
- Yep, my coords.
- You want me to follow your cords?

237
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:39,916
- Is that a problem?
- Now, you're not talking about trousers, are you?

238
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,314
Coordinates.

239
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:45,319
Coordinates! Thank you!

240
00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:59,673
20 degrees starboard on this next 'berg.

241
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,110
They're right on our tails.

242
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:08,392
Hold this line. Keep holding...

243
00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:09,994
Keep holding...

244
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,157
Lift now!

245
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:24,518
Pretty snazzy!

246
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:35,114
Still no sign of Miss Kochanski's ship, sir.
And we're fast running out of time.

247
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:39,433
- I know. It's good, isn't it?
- No, sir. I- I don't believe it is.

248
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,797
- Why, don't you like her?
- Oh, I'm a mere mechanoid, sir.

249
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:46,715
It's hardly my place to point out
what a... bossy old trollop she is.

250
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:51,113
- Good kisser, though.
- She knew that was you all along, sir!

251
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:55,877
She was merely trying you out
to compare you with her Mr Lister.

252
00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:59,271
Apparently, he's really quite something.
Initially, a soft-light hologram,

253
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:03,798
that's made him sensitive and caring
in a way most men aren't.

254
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:07,635
You mean he can remember anniversaries
and stay awake for several seconds after sex?

255
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:11,680
He's every woman's dream guy, sir.
He even enjoys shopping for shoes!

256
00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:13,717
- Jesus...
- A human male

257
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:17,475
who's prepared to have in-depth discussions
about "relationships".

258
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:18,630
Eurgh!

259
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,599
We're talking about
someone quite exceptional here, sir.

260
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:25,754
- Where does that leave me?
- Well, that leaves you...

261
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:29,800
trying to help me
get her back to her rightful ship.

262
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:34,040
She can't stay here, sir.

263
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:36,998
She just can't!

264
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:40,835
Kryten, man, are you OK?

265
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,879
(WHINES) I just know
we're not gonna be able to get rid of her!

266
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,678
Is that so terrible?

267
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:49,356
She's gonna take you away from me!
I just know it!

268
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:50,749
What?!

269
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,912
I took her a glass of milk
when she was showering.

270
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:57,277
I've seen her naked!

271
00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:58,919
So?

272
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:02,789
She's got all those
in-and-out bits that you like.

273
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:07,431
Kryten, no matter what happens,
you and me, we're compadres, amigos.

274
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:11,912
But that's all gonna change if she stays!
You'll end up liking her more!

275
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:12,787
- I won't!
- You will!

276
00:20:12,911 --> 00:20:13,718
- I won't!
- You will!

277
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,349
I won't! I won't! I won't!

278
00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:19,319
- You promise?
- I promise.

279
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:22,518
So if she walked in here now
and took all her clothes off

280
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:26,799
and said, "Oh! Make love
to me, you horny dude,"

281
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:31,557
and I said, "Well, perhaps you'd prefer
to fold some sheets with me instead, sir?"

282
00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:33,757
What would you do?

283
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:36,070
What kind of sheets would they be?

284
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:38,675
Well, those nice cotton ones with the pattern.

285
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:43,232
- What, the blue stripy ones or green square ones?
- The green square ones.

286
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:46,631
So it's making love to Kochanski

287
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:49,235
or folding sheets with you?

288
00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:52,670
- Can I do final fold-and-stack?
- Absolutely.

289
00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:56,117
- It'd be sheets, then.
- And she's standing there all naked

290
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:59,716
with all the in-and-out bits
going all inny and outy?

291
00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:03,589
It'd be the sheets, Kryt.
You and me. Hospital corners.

292
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:06,229
- Really?
- Too true.

293
00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:12,710
(SQUEALS) You're lying!
You're just trying to make me feel better!

294
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:17,078
Oh! Why can't she be more
like Mr Rimmer? He was perfect!

295
00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:20,551
He didn't have any in-and-out bits
hardly at all.

296
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:24,190
Look, There's no one I care
more about than you, OK?

297
00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:27,079
I'd never dump you like she did! Never!

298
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:29,277
- And that's not gonna change.
- Never?

299
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:30,794
Never.

300
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:34,954
- (SQUEALS) You're lying!
- I'm not lying!

301
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:40,280
Yes, you are! I'm gonna end up on my own
again just like I did on the Nova 5!

302
00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:42,795
You killed the crew, Kryten!

303
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:46,999
No wonder you ended up on your own! Alright,
it was an accident, but nevertheless...

304
00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:49,754
But what about before that?
It was the same on the SS Augustus.

305
00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:52,070
They all died of old age!

306
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:54,117
You see?!

307
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:01,513
(BLEEPING)

308
00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:07,519
I thought I'd lend a hand and see
if I could help you get out of here.

309
00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:12,117
I've got a positive trans-dimensional trace,
but I still can't re-establish the Linkway.

310
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:15,193
I'm sure it's something to do
with electro-magnetic phasing frequencies.

311
00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:19,877
- You took the words right out of my mouth.
- Have you tried reversing the signal?

312
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:22,634
We'll need a power re-route
in the auxiliary power drives.

313
00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:26,196
I'll take care of that... whatever it is.

314
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:31,755
It's the big red button there, sir.

315
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:44,270
Hey, Officer Bud-Babe, about
that power simillililillum-linilillum drive?

316
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:46,238
Taken care of.

317
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:54,351
You don't like me, do you?

318
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:56,597
- Ma'am?
- You don't, do you?

319
00:22:56,800 --> 00:23:00,430
Ma'am, I think it would be more efficient
if we spent our energies

320
00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:02,876
trying to re-establish the Linkway.

321
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:05,549
- But why...?
- Please.

322
00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:07,040
- I mean...
- Ma'am!

323
00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:10,520
- I need to know why!
- Do you indeed?

324
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:14,793
- Yes.
- Well, you're not good enough for him! That's all.

325
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:18,880
OK, he may walk around smelling
like a Balti house laundry basket,

326
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:22,556
but he doesn't need the likes of you
swapping dimensions like there's no tomorrow

327
00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:27,476
and bewitching him with all your...
in-and-out bits, all pointy and unnecessary.

328
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:31,391
You've got big problems, you know that?

329
00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:36,114
Well, at least I don't have a ridiculous walk,
unlike some people.

330
00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:39,438
Huh! Have you seen the way YOU walk?

331
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,280
I have a perfectly sensible walk.

332
00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:45,594
At least I don't walk like this:

333
00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:50,635
(BLEEPING)
- You...

334
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:53,360
Phaser frequency 4-3-4. We've got it back!

335
00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:55,511
What? You're right! That's it!

336
00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:58,513
- I can leave!
- You can leave!

337
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:08,911
Here's the 2,000 bulbs of garlic
your Lister-dude wanted.

338
00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:13,031
Phew-wee!

339
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:15,669
I may just have my nose hermetically sealed.

340
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:20,431
Is this right? 18 crates of curry
and no pasta at all?

341
00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:22,398
(MOUTHS)

342
00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:27,237
Champagne, everyone! If this doesn't deserve
a celebration, I don't know what does!

343
00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:30,831
- What are we celebrating exactly?
- (MOUTHS) She's leaving...

344
00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:33,956
Oh, you've found your crewmates at last!
How wonderful!

345
00:24:34,120 --> 00:24:36,873
- Thanks, Kryten.
- I must go and find the others.

346
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:46,513
This is for you.

347
00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:49,393
It wasn't easy, I can tell you.

348
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:52,154
I'm not exactly awash
with helpful material here.

349
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:55,278
I had to use one of Rimmer's
old James Last album covers -

350
00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:58,717
a girl in a yellow crocheted miniskirt
doing the twist.

351
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:02,077
It was like peeling an orange
with a chopstick.

352
00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:05,392
- I didn't need to know that.
- Anyway, it's all worked.

353
00:25:05,560 --> 00:25:10,794
Just pop that in the uterine simulator
in your medi-lab and...bingo.

354
00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:12,951
- Wow!
- Our child.

355
00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:16,475
I'll... you know.

356
00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:19,393
- I know.
- Any advice?

357
00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:24,031
- For the baby, I mean.
- What, advice about life and stuff?

358
00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:27,477
Well, tell it you can always park
nearer than you think.

359
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:30,473
Don't go to Sweden. Avoid sprouts.

360
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:31,710
Oh, and if you're a guy,

361
00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:35,510
never chop up hot chillies then go for
a leak without washing your hands first.

362
00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:39,514
It feels like a bomb's just gone off
in your pants.

363
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:41,114
That's it.

364
00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:45,274
A lifetime's worth of wisdom
crammed into under a minute.

365
00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:49,151
As soon as it's old enough,
I'll tell it all about you.

366
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:52,551
Apart from how you eat spaghetti.

367
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:57,112
Just make it understand why I'm not there.
I don't want it ending up like me.

368
00:25:57,280 --> 00:26:01,399
What happened to you was really rough.
The pool table, no note, no explanation...

369
00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:06,790
I think that's why I spent most of
my early life drifting, you know?

370
00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:11,477
I didn't have anything to live up to 'cause
I didn't know who I was, where I came from,

371
00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:15,634
just those two names they couldn't decide
on calling me - Rob or Ross.

372
00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:19,555
Hey... I'll look after it. You know I will.

373
00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:21,791
Yeah, I know.

374
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:29,633
Excuse me, sir.
Just doing a spot of dusting here.

375
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:41,472
Look, this is probably a long shot,
but if we can hit the right settings,

376
00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:43,916
it may be possible to communicate
trans-dimensionally.

377
00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:47,913
See you.

378
00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:49,912
Bye.

379
00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:57,675
- What's this?
- Supplies from Bud-Babe's ship.

380
00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:00,116
- No, this.
- It's the symbol for infinity, sir.

381
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:04,160
The snake eating its own tail, and thus
completing the everlasting circle of life

382
00:27:04,320 --> 00:27:05,674
that has no beginning or end.

383
00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:06,893
What's it doing on here?

384
00:27:06,917 --> 00:27:09,834
The crate used to contain
batteries, sir. Ouroboros batteries.

385
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:12,753
- Everlasting.
- Ourobo-what?!

386
00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:15,230
Ouroboros, sir, it's the name of the symbol.

387
00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:22,319
- What is it, bud?
- Ouroboros...

388
00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:25,598
It wasn't "Our Rob or Ross", it was Ouroboros.

389
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,029
What was?

390
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:28,560
The message that was written
on the side of me box!

391
00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:31,070
You came in a box? That explains everything.

392
00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:37,079
I know who my parents are.
I know who I am. I understand now.

393
00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:40,511
Explain, sir. The in-vitro tube,
the one Kochanski's got.

394
00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:42,910
The frozen embryo - it's me!

395
00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:46,314
At some point after the baby's born,
we must go back in time

396
00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:48,994
and leave him under the pool table
at the Aigburth Arms.

397
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:51,714
We wrote Ouroboros on the box to explain!

398
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:57,120
I'm my own father...
and Kris is my ex-girlfriend and me mum!

399
00:27:58,120 --> 00:28:01,909
You should write a letter to "Playboy", bud.
I bet you anything it'd get printed.

400
00:28:02,120 --> 00:28:04,555
I've gotta get that test tube back.

401
00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:12,838
Mum, wait!

402
00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:16,996
- What?
- I need the in-vitro tube! It's me!

403
00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:19,077
It's what?

404
00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:22,959
The Gelfs are back!

405
00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:40,599
- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna jump!

406
00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:42,711
- You'll never make it!
- Kris, no!

407
00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:49,553
- Kristine!
- We've lost her, sir.

408
00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:51,319
No. No!

409
00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:53,670
Kristine!

410
00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:55,951
(PHONE RINGS)

411
00:28:56,360 --> 00:28:58,271
- Yeah?
- Hi, it's me.

412
00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:02,314
- Hi.
- I've decided to stay. Just one proviso...

413
00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:04,989
- Yeah?
- Save my life, OK?

414
00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:07,034
Cargo bay. Looking now.

415
00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:14,359
What's this?

416
00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:16,670
Mountaineering equipment
from Miss Kochanski's ship, sir.

417
00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:17,875
A crossbow?

418
00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:20,793
I thought it might come in handy
next time you run into your wife.

419
00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:26,877
(KOCHANSKI) You've got about 20 seconds
before I'm out of reach!

420
00:29:27,040 --> 00:29:28,758
Rope?

421
00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:32,117
Yes! Yes! Yes!

422
00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:38,670
I'm getting a mite panicky here!

423
00:29:57,800 --> 00:29:59,393
Argh!

424
00:30:03,800 --> 00:30:05,518
Bastard!

425
00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:11,557
(PHONE RINGS)

426
00:30:16,320 --> 00:30:20,314
It's an obscene phone call, sir.
I think it's for you.

427
00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:27,686
I've brought you a drink,
but don't think for one minute

428
00:30:27,710 --> 00:30:30,036
- it means I've gone all mushy on you.
- Thank you.

429
00:30:32,120 --> 00:30:35,556
I'm gonna get up and work out a way
of re-establishing that Linkway.

430
00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:38,599
It's too late, ma'am. The rip's self-repaired.

431
00:30:38,760 --> 00:30:43,357
- (WHINES) We're stuck with you!
- I'm gonna try anyway.

432
00:30:48,760 --> 00:30:50,239
Oh, ma'am?

433
00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:51,959
Yes, Kryten?

434
00:30:53,080 --> 00:30:55,356
Welcome aboard.

435
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:57,511
Thanks, Kryten.

436
00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:12,960
For a long time, you'll think that you were
abandoned, but you weren't, man.

437
00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:17,671
You were put here to create a paradox,
an unbreakable circle.

438
00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:22,676
With us going round and round in time,
the human race can never become extinct.

439
00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:25,559
We're like... a kind of holding pattern.

440
00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:31,914
I'll see you, son.

441
00:31:49,520 --> 00:31:52,876
# It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere

442
00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:56,317
# I'm all alone, more or less

443
00:31:56,480 --> 00:31:59,598
# Let me fly far away from here

444
00:31:59,760 --> 00:32:02,513
# Fun, fun, fun

445
00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:06,196
# In the sun, sun, sun

446
00:32:06,360 --> 00:32:09,671
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

447
00:32:09,840 --> 00:32:12,992
# Drinking fresh mango juice

448
00:32:13,160 --> 00:32:16,391
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

449
00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:19,154
# Fun, fun, fun

450
00:32:19,320 --> 00:32:22,915
# In the sun, sun, sun

451
00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:25,799
# Fun, fun, fun

452
00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:30,113
# In the sun, sun, sun #