1 00:00:01,480 --> 00:00:04,438 ("RED DWARF" THEME) 2 00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:42,229 - What is that thing? - Astroglacier. 3 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:46,030 Allotropically modified, surrounded by an envelope of luminous gasses. 4 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:49,232 Thanks! That's most helpful. 5 00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:52,313 - What is it? - To you, a big iceberg. 6 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:56,559 I studied them in my first year in the Corps, but I've never seen one up this close before. 7 00:00:56,720 --> 00:01:01,271 Isn't it incredible? Look at those crystalline formations. They're faberoo! 8 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,998 You think all this sciencey stuff's really interesting, don't you? 9 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:09,836 I bet at school you were always the one with the right coloured pencils and the impossibly neat handwriting. 10 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:15,632 I bet even now you can probably tell us the average rainfall of the oil-rich coastal lowlands of Venezuela. 11 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:17,996 No, I couldn't. I've no idea. 12 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:20,991 OK, 3.4 inches. So what? 13 00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:24,596 Unlike you guys, my greatest accomplishment 14 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:29,231 isn't a line on a loo wall somewhere marking my highest-ever pee. 15 00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:33,513 I'll have you know, ma'am, I too possess qualifications. 16 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:36,752 What qualifications have you got, meat-tenderiser-head? 17 00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:39,309 I'm a fully qualified Bachelor of Sanitation. 18 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:43,599 You may not know this, sir, but many years ago I completed my course at Toilet University, 19 00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:46,149 where I studied the lavatorial sciences. 20 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,796 Toilet University's just a piece of software, it's part of your core program. 21 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:55,358 I still had to complete a written examination to indicate the program was successfully installed. 22 00:01:55,520 --> 00:02:00,515 It was most interesting. Did you know for instance that the first siphon and valve flushing system 23 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:03,991 was patented in 1778 by Joseph Bramah, 24 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:06,629 whose U-bend curvature equations are still... 25 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:08,313 - Kryten. - Yes, sir? 26 00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:12,150 Can this story maybe wait? Ideally, until after I'm dead. 27 00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:15,870 Well, speaking personally, I hardly didn't get no formal education at all. 28 00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:18,759 - No kidding, Professor. - No, it's true, bud. 29 00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:23,198 That's why sometimes I don't know stuff, like... well, practically everything. 30 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:28,429 - Was this because you brought yourself up, sir? - Right. There was no one else around so I had to teach myself. 31 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:33,151 And seeing as I didn't know anything to begin with, lessons were long and slow, 32 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,960 especially on Thursdays when I had double nothing. 33 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:39,152 So what do we do about the ice? 34 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,510 Well, water supplies are low, ma'am. 35 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:44,479 If the ice is uncontaminated, it might prove move useful. 36 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:48,958 - OK, standard SEP scan and log. - Locking on. Scanning and logging. 37 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:53,420 - Extraordinary. - What is it? 38 00:02:53,444 --> 00:02:56,010 There's something's buried deep in the heart of the astroglacier. 39 00:02:56,480 --> 00:03:00,838 Some kind of object. It's huge. Just processing. 40 00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:04,032 - Well? - It's a starship. 41 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:15,878 This place is harder to get into than an airline Chicken Kiev! 42 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:28,353 It's the Leviathan, sir, a 23rd-century JMC supply ship. 43 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:30,511 Engines are dead, power overload. 44 00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:34,674 Looks like they were running from something. Wait! I'm picking up a life sign. 45 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:37,116 - Are you absolutely sure? - Certain. 46 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:42,040 I've never seen anything like this! 47 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:45,431 You weren't around for my last party, were you? 48 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:50,117 Look at their twisted, tortured faces! The sheer blind terror. 49 00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:52,834 - (SCREAMS) Yaaaargh!!! Oh, my God! - What is it?! 50 00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:57,113 The back of my neck! Great big gob of ice water! 51 00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:01,069 It felt really horrible! Went right down into my crevice. 52 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,111 Hey, guys, check this out! 53 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:18,071 There's a woman in there! 54 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:21,995 Just locating her JMC ident chip. 55 00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:29,550 Caroline Carmen. According to the Psi-Scan, she was once a supply officer on Red Dwarf. 56 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:33,151 I remember her. She got reposted at Titan. 57 00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:35,391 - You knew her? - Yeah, she made a pass at me once. 58 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:38,797 I don't believe you. A supply officer would never go out with you? 59 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:44,797 She did, actually. In fact, me and Karen had quite a thing going there for a really long time. 60 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,519 Caroline. 61 00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:50,639 Caroline, yeah. Karen was my pet name for her. 62 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:54,270 - I don't believe a word. - Caroline Carmen and me, believe it. 63 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:57,193 Sexually, we were just so compatible. 64 00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:02,514 In fact, while I was dating her, the two women in the quarters next door nicknamed her Carmen Moans. 65 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:05,991 - You could ask her if she was still alive. - She is, sir. 66 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:08,674 The life sign appears to be coming from this very spot. 67 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:13,716 Is it? Ah, well, she might not remember me immediately. She might have amnesia. 68 00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:17,319 - Amnesia? - Yeah, ice does that. Gives you amnesia. 69 00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:19,869 - Isn't that right, Kryts? - Well, I don't recall hearing that, sir. 70 00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:22,071 See? It's affecting him already. 71 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,394 OK, let's get her back to the 'Bug. 72 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:37,352 I've begun the water siphoning process from the Leviathan. Any change here? 73 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:41,793 It doesn't make sense, bud. The ice won't melt, and this room's hotter than an English beer. 74 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,679 He's right. The temperature's been a constant 90 degrees, 75 00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:47,673 and yet she's still completely cold and unresponsive. 76 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:50,030 What about Miss Carmen? 77 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:54,237 I was talking about Miss Carmen. 78 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:58,035 It's as if the body's generating the ice as a form of protection. 79 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:00,191 Maybe we should just laser it? 80 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:04,558 Recommend we wait until the chemical analysis results are completed in the morning, sir. 81 00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:07,917 Any hasty lasering could result in lasting damage to the body. 82 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:10,475 Do you really think she's still alive in there? 83 00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:11,960 She must be. 84 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:48,999 Ah... 85 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:06,518 Well, well, well... 86 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:09,433 This is a bit of a turn-up, isn't it, hey? 87 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:11,796 You just couldn't stay away, could you, Kris? 88 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:13,951 Hey, what are you doing? Hey wait... what you doin? 89 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:17,391 (LAUGHS) 90 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,149 And what makes you so damn sure I'm interested? 91 00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:24,995 You dumped me, remember? You think you can just jump in me bed and I'm yours? 92 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:29,670 Well, as it happens, you're right, but let me tell you it was a pretty close thing. 93 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:35,558 Mmm. It's good to feel your sweet breath on my neck again. 94 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:39,236 Oh, smeg! It's Kryten! It's Kryten! 95 00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:42,279 Quick! Quick! Quick! In the shower! In the shower! 96 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:46,319 (GROANS) 97 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,039 Smeg! 98 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:55,318 - Yeah? - Are you alone, sir? 99 00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:58,194 - Yeah! - Well, I just thought I'd come in and dust your quarters. 100 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:02,194 - It's two o'clock in the morning, man! - Ah yes, well this is an emergency dust you see, sir. 101 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:06,558 My sensors have picked up vast quantities of dust in this region, I simple must dust! Right now! 102 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:10,156 - I'll take the risk, man! - I simply can't allow that, sir. 103 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:16,353 Ah, double bed mode. Hmm... 104 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:19,273 I'll just, ahem, dust inside your wardrobe... 105 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:24,190 Under your spare bunk duvet... 106 00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:27,676 Hmm... In your other wardrobe... 107 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:32,319 Kryten, man, I'm trying to get some kip! 108 00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:35,711 - She's in here, isn't she? - I don't know what you mean, man. 109 00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:39,197 (SQUEALS) You promised me you wouldn't like her more than me, you promised! 110 00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:41,954 Look, Kryten, listen, I um... 111 00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:45,590 - Look, it's like... - It's because she's got a better shaped head than me, isn't it? 112 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:48,110 Not again, man. No! No! 113 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,357 - It is! - I like your head! 114 00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:51,852 Not as much as you like hers! 115 00:08:51,876 --> 00:08:55,236 What are you talking about? You've got one of the all time great heads. 116 00:08:55,400 --> 00:09:01,271 It's attractive, it's functional, it's almost perfect for carving a Sunday roast! 117 00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:06,278 She's in the shower, isn't she? Isn't she?! 118 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:09,831 - Who? - Miss Kochanski! Who do you think? Madam Curie?! 119 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:13,470 What is all this noise about? I can't sleep! 120 00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:18,553 Forgive me, sir. 121 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:20,438 Shame mode. 122 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,591 Excuse me, ma'am. 123 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,514 How the hell did you do that? 124 00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:31,435 Of course! You slipped out through the vent shaft and dropped into the corridor. Brilliant! 125 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:34,069 - What? - You're a genius, an absolute genius! 126 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,231 - What are you doing? - I'm unbuttoning your shirt. 127 00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:38,516 - What are you doing that for? - We've got a little unfinished business! 128 00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:41,559 That was a long time ago. Things are very different now! 129 00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:43,996 Look, he's gone. Don't worry about Kryten. 130 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:46,993 Now come on, get your kit off and I'll go slip into my Batman outfit. 131 00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:49,959 You really believe in being direct, don't you? 132 00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:53,431 Come on, rumpy-pumpy, Kris. Let's hit the springs! 133 00:09:56,400 --> 00:10:01,839 That's your idea of seduction, is it? Well forget it, Lister, not if you were the last man alive. 134 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:05,709 - I am the last man alive. - I rest my case. 135 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:11,198 What did I do wrong? What? 136 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:15,117 Oh, duvet... 137 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:23,237 Oh, my God! Caroline! You've really let yourself go. 138 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:27,792 You're like the before bit for about 900 Clearasil commercials! 139 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:30,999 Sorry! 140 00:10:31,344 --> 00:10:33,024 (ALARM SOUNDS) 141 00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:35,359 God! Ah! 142 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:46,750 God! God! 143 00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:48,354 Oh! Are you all right, sir? 144 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:51,990 I've just been molested by Tutankhamun's horny grandma! 145 00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:55,790 Of course I'm not smeggin' all right! Eurgh! The taste! 146 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:59,078 I need to go and gargle with a Toilet Duck! 147 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:04,838 She's dead, sir. And, curious, it appears she's been dead for three million years. 148 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:09,710 If she's been dead for three million years, where did the life signs come from? 149 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:14,113 Good point, sir. And more to the point, where did they go? 150 00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:16,273 (THUD) 151 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:22,313 - I feel really lousy. - Oh you're probably just in shock. Don't be such a baby. 152 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:26,718 Miss Kochanski, ma'am, If I may say so your bedside manner leaves something to be desired. 153 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:30,072 - Like what? - Well, like a bedside manner! 154 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:32,317 You think I'm a hypochondriac? 155 00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:37,640 You're a man, aren't you? I mean, you all get the common cold and you think it's malaria. 156 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,189 And women, of course, are different? 157 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:43,279 They just have a different perspective on pain, Kryten. 158 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:49,152 As would you if every summer you had to pour hot wax on your crotch and rip out half your thatch. 159 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,920 He's right. I hate doing that. 160 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:54,589 - The tests are complete. - (LISTER) And? 161 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:59,755 There's a foreign substance in your blood, and, well, I recognise the DNA, sir. 162 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:03,191 - Is that good or bad? - It's the Epideme virus, sir. 163 00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:06,557 A man-made parasite created as a rival to the nicotine patch. 164 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:11,960 Epideme was an intelligent organism, designed to block all neural signals relating to nicotine craving, 165 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:16,910 but it in practice it also blocked the signals telling the body it needed blood and oxygen. 166 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:20,954 Is that why the Carmen chick looked like the centrefold from this month's "Playzombie"? 167 00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:26,519 Precisely. It's virtually unstoppable. For the first 48 hours, it consumes its host, 168 00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:29,872 then hijacks the corpse and goes looking for a new victim. 169 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:33,556 When it can't find one, it freezes the body and waits. 170 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:37,714 - So the life signs on the Leviathan... - Didn't belong to Carmen, 171 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:40,474 but to the parasite inhabiting her body... 172 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:43,871 which passed to you the moment she, well... 173 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:46,469 Slipped her mouth-meat down me gullet? 174 00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:50,035 I've been tongue-hockeyed to death! 175 00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:54,478 In 48 hours, I'm gonna be deader than a Saturday night in Salt Lake City! 176 00:12:54,640 --> 00:13:00,477 There is one option, sir. I believe you might have a chance if you, well... reason with it. 177 00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:04,071 - Reason with what? - The virus, sir. After all, it is intelligent. 178 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:08,478 Kryten, are your neural circuits picking up interference from the tumble-dryer again? 179 00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:13,550 If we could patch in the universal translator, it might just be possible to talk to it. 180 00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:15,438 I believe it's your only chance, sir. 181 00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:21,714 It's a long shot, I know, but if we can reason with it, we might persuade it to leave. 182 00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:26,716 - Now, remember, be charming. - Be charming to my virus. Right. 183 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:34,275 - Patching in the UT. - Aaand a great big "hi" to all of you out there in flesh and blood land! 184 00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:36,829 And tonight, Dave Lister, assisting vending machine sub-operative 185 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,992 and spice food connoisseur, this is your death! 186 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:45,158 - Your line. - I take it we're speaking with the Epideme virus? 187 00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:50,070 Give that man an eyebrow! Hey, I'm feeling generous. Give him two! 188 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,231 Well, maybe we should, um... can I, er...? 189 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:56,195 Dave, let's run down the rules. If you win, you get to live. 190 00:13:56,360 --> 00:14:01,389 If I win, you get to die and I take all your knowledge when I kill you. 191 00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:04,234 What, you absorb knowledge from every person you kill? 192 00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:07,353 So as you can appreciate killing you ain't exactly a career highlight. 193 00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:12,390 No offence but when you're a virus, there's not much call for knowing how to open a lager bottle with your anus. 194 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:16,680 How can you justify killing another living being? 195 00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:22,552 How about that chicken you biryanied last night? How can you justify killing that? 196 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:24,996 Me and the chicken, it was different. 197 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:27,800 How's that, David? 198 00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,429 Well, I'm a person. It was a curry. 199 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:35,720 He died so you could go on living. Is that so different from what I'm doing? 200 00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:39,077 Of course it is! Totally! I'm a human being. 201 00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:42,551 I have certain qualities that elevate me above poultry! 202 00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:48,591 - I can think. I can play the guitar. - Better than a chicken? Are you crazy? 203 00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:51,957 We're losing the argument, sir! You better move on to another subject. 204 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,515 I'm the last guy alive! 205 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:59,635 - And that gives you more right to exist than me? - Well, yeah, because... 206 00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:03,390 Time for your species to check out, Davey. Arrivederci, humies! 207 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:05,398 Oh! 208 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:10,959 David, come on. 209 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,720 You've got a virus. It's fatal. It happens. 210 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:15,871 Doesn't mean we can't be friends. 211 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,031 Don't touch that dial! 212 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:24,550 Sir, you know how you told us all to work on a solution to Mr Epideme, no matter how drastic? 213 00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:27,957 - Yeah, what have you got, Kryts? - A solution, sir, but, er... 214 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:29,440 - What? - It's too drastic. 215 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,876 - Tell. - Well, what we thought was... 216 00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:34,350 - You see... - We want to cut off your arm. 217 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:36,915 - You what?! - It's a stupid idea, I told you it was a stupid idea! 218 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:38,179 It was your idea! 219 00:15:38,203 --> 00:15:40,152 - Are you saying I'm stupid? - I'm not calling you stupid, shut up! 220 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:46,159 It's our only chance to save you. It could be worse. 221 00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:50,035 - What, you mean I could be planning a career in archery? - You could be dead. 222 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,794 Now, you said you'd consider anything. Well, this is it. 223 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:59,155 Can I have some details? Something a little bit more inspiring than "Can I hack off your limb?" 224 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:02,318 The plan is to inject anti-virals in a precise pattern through your body, 225 00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:04,511 forcing Epideme into your arm. 226 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:07,240 And then you cut it off. Great plan (!) 227 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:10,151 What choice have I got? 228 00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:16,550 OK, but make it my left arm, OK? 'Cause my right arm does all my favourite things. 229 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,673 - OK, sir. - Let's go! Chop-chop! 230 00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:21,353 Sorry. 231 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:24,919 (WHIZZING) 232 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,711 Injecting anti-virals. 233 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:33,515 OK, virus heading north. Grid coordinate 109.4. 234 00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:38,078 - The pancreas. - 104.2, on my mark. Mark. 235 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:41,870 And heading for the left shoulder, 309.0. No, no, no, no! 236 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:45,158 308! 308! It's heading away from his left arm. 237 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:51,072 406.9... .8... 406.5... Virus heading into his right arm. 238 00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:54,910 The right arm! It's our only chance. Laser bone-saw, sir, quickly! 239 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,071 Amputation mode - cut and cauterise! 240 00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:00,151 (HISSES) 241 00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,471 It's not enough. 242 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:11,191 Still not enough. 243 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:14,711 Still not enough. 244 00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:17,551 Still not enough! 245 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:22,115 OK, that's enough. If this doesn't work, we're out of options. 246 00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:27,599 Whether it works or not, it's gonna be a cold day in hell before I touch barbecue wings again! 247 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:41,879 Aaah! 248 00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:44,232 He's awake! 249 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:47,119 My left arm... My left arm, I said! 250 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:51,319 That's my right. What kind of navigation officer can't tell left from right?! 251 00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:54,160 We did the best we could. I am so sorry. 252 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:58,837 - Where is it? - We flushed it into space. We had to. 253 00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:02,351 Oh, my right arm. I did everything with that arm. 254 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:06,070 We were inseparable! At least, I thought we were. 255 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:10,033 - Mr Lister, sir, you're awake! - Buddy, you look great! 256 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:18,997 Oh it's... It's not your fault. You did what you had to do to save me life. 257 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:21,316 (WHINES) 258 00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:23,670 You haven't saved me life? 259 00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:27,919 Seven per cent of Epideme's virions have found their way back into your body. 260 00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:30,151 They're currently multiplying exponentially. 261 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:36,117 So, to sum up - all's I've got to look forward to now is death, zombification 262 00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:39,079 and a quick after-death snog with either you or the Cat? 263 00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:42,790 I've given my arm - my arm - for nothing? 264 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,270 Not nothing, sir! Based on my calculations, 265 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:48,671 it's bought you approximately 58 minutes more life. I- 266 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:53,960 - What am I gonna do with 58 minutes more life? - Have half a juggling lesson? 267 00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:56,111 You're really not helping. 268 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,074 Kryten, he doesn't like them like that. 269 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:25,557 Begging your pardon, ma'am, I've been with Mr Lister for many years now. 270 00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:29,913 And I don't need some judy-come-lately advising me on his sleeping arrangements. 271 00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:35,479 Kryten, in my dimension, I cohabited with him. I think I know what makes him happy in bed. 272 00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:40,476 So do I. A large packet of extra-spicy tortilla chips 273 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:46,158 and a really good horror movie, preferably featuring some scantily clad, kung-fu-fighting lady vampires. 274 00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:49,591 Hey! Old five-fingers has checked out! 275 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:54,112 - Oh, my God! You mean... - No, not dead. Checked out. He's gone. 276 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:58,513 And about 40 pounds of Incinerex blasting plastic has gone missing from Supply Bunker 7. 277 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:03,672 - You think there could be a connection? - Come on! 278 00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:17,756 - What are you doing? - I'm just popping down the corner shop. 279 00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:20,309 - Does anyone want anything? - Sir, please, come back. 280 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,994 There's no reason to return to the Leviathan. 281 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:27,398 It's the only way, Kryten. Get back over there, detonate this stuff 282 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,756 and destroy all traces of the virus. 283 00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:33,470 - At least I'll rob it of the satisfaction of killing me. - Dave, close the airlock. 284 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:36,598 - What you're doing is insane. - She's right. 285 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:40,998 You've already screwed up the ping-pong tournament. You gonna mess up the yo-yo championships, too! 286 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:46,075 Dave, don't go through that door! If you go through that door, I'll never speak to you again as long as you... 287 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:49,159 Oh, my God! Just how stupid am I? 288 00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:52,631 - Well, according to my calculations, ma'am... - Kryten, shut up! 289 00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:03,400 Hey, Dave, what's this? The Christmas special? 290 00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:10,358 That's right, man, yeah! Look what I got you - 40 pounds of Incinerex. 291 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:13,552 It's macho, but it's not you. You get what I'm sayin'? 292 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:17,913 Let's set the timer for five minutes, shall we? 293 00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:20,873 Er, Dave, hellooo? 294 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:23,640 (KRYTEN ON RADIO) Leviathan? This is Starbug. Come in, sir. 295 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:27,077 Kryten, get Starbug well away from here! You've got five minutes. 296 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:32,275 Dave, listen to me. Dave - my Dave - had a saying... 297 00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:35,080 Even the word "hopeless" has "hope" in it. 298 00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:38,511 Maybe you had to be there? 299 00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:41,519 - What the hell did that mean? - You can't give up! 300 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:48,393 I'm dead already. Use your eyes. I look worse than the Grim Reaper's passport photo. 301 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:52,910 Please give us more time, sir. The medicomp might still come up an antidote. 302 00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:57,671 There's no point. Look, I haven't made a will, but Kris... 303 00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:02,272 under my bunk...I want you to have the collection of songs I wrote about you. 304 00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,716 - Collection? - Well, three. 305 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:07,554 There's only two things that rhyme with "Kochanski". 306 00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:10,553 I used "underpantski" twice. 307 00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:16,870 Kryten, to you I leave all my laundry. Hey, keep it clean for me, man. 308 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:19,640 Oh, sir...you're too generous. 309 00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:25,951 Cat, you can have anything you want from my wardrobe. 310 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:29,915 I can? Great! I need some hangers! 311 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:37,711 60 seconds left, Epideme. 312 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:42,556 Dave, your heart says blow but your brain says no. 313 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:48,511 You're no quitter. Hell, the people of this ship kept searching for a solution right until the end! 314 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:50,796 - They never gave up. - They didn't? 315 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:55,397 Hell, no! They even overloaded their engines. 316 00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:59,554 So sad... because they were so near. 317 00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:04,391 So near. They weren't running FROM something but TO something. 318 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:12,279 Son of a gun! 319 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:16,593 Kryten, man, change of plan! 320 00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:28,197 Sir, I've been meaning to ask, 321 00:23:28,360 --> 00:23:31,512 as you retain specialist knowledge from each of your victims, 322 00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:37,278 and as the two of us have no gripe, I was wondering if you'd be kind enough to fill in some gaps in my knowledge? 323 00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:42,469 Sure. Shoot! I'm red hot in quantum mechanics, sub-molecular biology and TV theme tunes. 324 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:44,756 Ask me anything. 325 00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:47,156 Very well. 326 00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:51,757 One thing I've always wanted to know, who on earth was the fourth Marx Brother? 327 00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:55,430 Zeppo. Easy! Ask me a hard one. 328 00:23:55,640 --> 00:24:00,953 - A hard one? - A HAAAAAAAARD one! Yeeeaah! 329 00:24:02,120 --> 00:24:07,320 Very well. How could Starbug's drive module be reconfigured to be made more efficient? 330 00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:11,156 (INHALES) Re-route the pulse relays via the auxiliary conductor nodes 331 00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:15,837 and transpose all the prime numbers in the first line of the output to the energy equation. (EXHALES) 332 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:20,113 - And that would make Starbug more efficient? - 300% faster! 333 00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:25,599 That's all we needed to know. The Leviathan was heading for Delta 7 for the Epideme cure, 334 00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:28,229 trouble was by the time we reached Delta 7, I'd be dead. 335 00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:31,398 Unless we could work out a way of making the ship go faster. 336 00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:35,440 - And now we have. - Well, I'll be a son-of-a-bacteria! 337 00:24:46,840 --> 00:24:51,311 - How are we doing? - Like a speeding bullet stuck in the back end of a bat out of hell! 338 00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:53,272 Going into orbit right now. 339 00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:57,751 Scanning surface... 340 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:00,956 - Oh, my God! - What is it? 341 00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:03,310 The planet. It's been flamed. 342 00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:09,271 There's nothing down there! Not a building, not a plant... Nothing. 343 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:20,269 - You knew, didn't you? - Heyy, I had to do something to make Dave think there was hope. 344 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:23,313 The whole planet was flamed to get rid of me, 345 00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:26,359 but I'd already left in one of the Star Corps medical engineers, 346 00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:29,990 who then made a house call to the Leviathan! 347 00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:39,156 - How's it going? - Life signs almost gone, sir. 348 00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:43,234 And in tomorrow's episode, Kris Kochanski has a nasty turn 349 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:46,040 when Dave, her hilarious decomposing boyfriend, 350 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:50,319 returns from the grave to infect her with a wacky but charismatic virus. 351 00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:53,632 Until then, goodnight. 352 00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:57,509 (HUMS "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN") 353 00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:00,399 (CACKLES) 354 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:05,151 OK, last roll of the dice. Dave, I'm gonna stop your heart, OK? 355 00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:08,512 - (BOTH) What!? - It's the last chance to save you. Do you agree? 356 00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:11,599 You're gonna prevent Epideme from killing me by killing me? 357 00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:13,950 I'll take that as a yes. 358 00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:17,799 Is he...? 359 00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:21,954 Dead? Yes, ma'am! Careful, Miss Kochanski, don't get too close to him! 360 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:24,470 (EPIDEME CACKLES) 361 00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:30,077 The Epideme virus has transferred to you! It's infected your hand! 362 00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:32,709 Aand the big showbiz news today is that, as expected, 363 00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:37,556 the long-running virus Epideme has been renewed for another season! 364 00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:40,513 Wrong, bug-head! You're axed! 365 00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:42,751 No! No! No! 366 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:44,991 (SCREAMS) 367 00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:50,798 Oh, my God! Did you see that?! 368 00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:53,156 She...! She...! 369 00:26:57,160 --> 00:27:00,039 Miss Kochanski, ma'am! what...?! I mean, what...?! 370 00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:02,237 Have you gone completely insane?! 371 00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:04,391 - Kryten! - Huh! 372 00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:08,275 It was Caroline Carmen's. I injected it with blood and adrenaline. 373 00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:12,756 That really is quite extraordinary. 374 00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:15,620 You know, I had you marked down as a bit of a madam, 375 00:27:15,644 --> 00:27:18,536 (KRYTEN CONTINUES) but I really have to accept that I'm going to have to eat some of my own hat 376 00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:21,200 I mean, you do annoy me in some ways, but really that was... 377 00:27:21,360 --> 00:27:23,920 MR LISTER!!!! 378 00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:29,511 (MUTTERS HYSTERICALLY) 379 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:32,399 Clear! 380 00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:35,590 Clear! Clear! 381 00:27:35,760 --> 00:27:37,717 (COUGHS) 382 00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:41,354 Ohh... Whoa... Where have I been? 383 00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:44,919 For the last few minutes, sir, you've been dead. 384 00:27:45,120 --> 00:27:46,918 - Wow! - How did it feel? 385 00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:49,071 Ever been to Swindon? 386 00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:52,670 - What's that for? - For not staying dead! 387 00:27:57,160 --> 00:27:58,753 Germs. 388 00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:05,871 # It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere 389 00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:09,317 # I'm all alone, more or less 390 00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:12,632 # Let me fly far away from here 391 00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:15,394 # Fun, fun, fun 392 00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:19,190 # In the sun, sun, sun 393 00:28:19,360 --> 00:28:22,671 # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose 394 00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:25,992 # Drinking fresh mango juice 395 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:29,357 # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes 396 00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:32,160 # Fun, fun, fun 397 00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:35,950 # In the sun, sun, sun 398 00:28:36,120 --> 00:28:38,794 # Fun, fun, fun 399 00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:42,999 # In the sun, sun, sun #