1
00:00:04,520 --> 00:00:07,717
("RED DWARF" THEME)

2
00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:50,552
Remember Argyle Somerfield,
the old movie star?

3
00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:54,236
83, according to this. He's
just had a baby with his nurse.

4
00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:59,438
"It was love at first sight," she cooed.
"I've always liked older men.”

5
00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:03,070
God, if she ever met Tutankhamen,
he wouldn't stand a chance.

6
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:08,557
She'd have his bandages off
before he could say "Silicone implants"!

7
00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:11,951
There's a picture of them
here with their newborn.

8
00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:15,431
There's Argyle, and there's the baby.

9
00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:21,714
No, no no no... THERE'S Argyle and THERE'S the baby.

10
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,714
I was thrown for a minute by the bib and the bonnet.

11
00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:29,030
I thought it was the baby at first.

12
00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:40,632
An 85-year-old dad?!

13
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:43,631
How's that gonna work?

14
00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:47,870
I bet he's gonna get up in the middle of the night
to help give the baby its feed.

15
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:50,270
He'll probably pretend to be dead.

16
00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,949
"Darling, can you feed the baby his bottle tonight?"

17
00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,591
It's not gonna work, is it?

18
00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:06,195
The only advantage, as far as I can see,

19
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:10,752
is the wife can change both their nappies
at the same time!

20
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:22,236
Are you still not talking to me?
It's unbelievably childish, you know.

21
00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:28,314
I've a good mind to fill your shoes
with runny porridge again.

22
00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:31,154
That'd teach you a lesson about maturity.

23
00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:39,431
All right, I tell you what. I bet I can
make you say something in the next minute.

24
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:42,714
20 big ones.

25
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:44,834
Shake on it.

26
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,833
All right. If I'm on, say nothing.

27
00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:53,959
I'm on!

28
00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:55,519
OK.

29
00:02:55,680 --> 00:03:01,631
I'm going to say something , alright? And you're going
to totally lose it. Are you ready? Ready?

30
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:09,952
All right. Several years ago, when money was not
abundant, and I needed, I mean, medically needed a pint...

31
00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:13,831
I took some money from your purse.

32
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:16,310
(GROANING)

33
00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:18,312
(IMITATES EXPLOSION)

34
00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:20,790
Oh God, it was horrible going in there.

35
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,679
The wallet that time forgot!

36
00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:27,231
Not that there was any point.
The barman on B Deck wouldn't serve me.

37
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:30,392
Said doubloons weren't legal tender any more.

38
00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:33,996
He said you should have handed
them in after the Spanish Armada!

39
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:41,919
I thought I'd get you going.
You hate digs about your stinginess.

40
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:47,951
It usually makes you so agitated that you've gotta go
and make a cup of tea with a brand-new tea bag!

41
00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:56,350
Well, still... Plenty of time to go.

42
00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:59,357
(LAUGHS)

43
00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:04,315
Remember Yvonne McGruder?

44
00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:08,234
You really liked her, didn't you?

45
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:13,429
I used to go out with her, y'know? - before you did.
You didn't know that, did you?

46
00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:17,958
Broke up in the end. Really hurt me.
Still got the scars today.

47
00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:22,197
They never heal, carpet burns, do they?

48
00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:28,117
Both cheeks, man!

49
00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:31,238
She nearly wore them down to the bone!

50
00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:35,791
(SCREECHES)

51
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:37,394
Will you shut up?!

52
00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:39,551
What did I tell ya?

53
00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:41,518
20 big ones.

54
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:45,594
I've listened to you wittling on now
for what seems like two ice ages.

55
00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:47,592
My mind is so numb and braindead

56
00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:52,391
I feel like I've attended a three-day
seminar entitled 'The Future of Plumbing'.

57
00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:55,436
Have you any idea how
irritating you've just been?

58
00:04:55,600 --> 00:05:00,310
You're a master. There are things
you could teach to tropical skin diseases.

59
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:02,835
- Well, talk to me, then.
- No!

60
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,992
Look, I'm sorry, OK. How many times
do you want me to say it?

61
00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:08,436
- I am sorry!
- No, you're not.

62
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:12,116
- It was an accident.
- An accident? You poured a whole tube of it over me,

63
00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:16,717
you disgusting, rotting, fetid
piece of congealed monkey vomit!

64
00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:21,114
Oh, at last you're talking to me.
I knew we'd make it up.

65
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:25,518
83?!

66
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,600
(CAT) It seems even bigger than I remember.

67
00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:49,359
Er... guys, we got a problem!

68
00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:53,964
Hey guys, look at me body.

69
00:05:53,988 --> 00:05:57,431
There's an invitation that
will not cause a stampede!

70
00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:00,399
- No, it's back to normal.
- No time for that now ,sir.

71
00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:07,079
We're flying down a corridor on Red Dwarf,
and Starbug appears to be expanding!

72
00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:09,914
It's not Starbug that's expanding.
It's Red Dwarf that's shrinking!

73
00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:13,755
It must be something to do with the nanobot's
molecular process, just like my body.

74
00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:18,838
We're being sucked into a vent. I can't fight it.

75
00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:27,277
- (KRIS) Air-vent walls closing in.
- We must action, be bold, positive, decisive.

76
00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:31,195
- Suggest we move from blue alert to red alert, sir.
- Forget red.

77
00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:34,432
Let's go all the way up to brown alert!

78
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:38,476
There's no such thing as brown alert.

79
00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:40,950
You won't be saying that in a minute!

80
00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:44,356
And don't say I didn't alert you.

81
00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:49,512
All right, dudes. Anyone fancy
a game of charades using just your nose,

82
00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:53,594
- or is this a bad time?
- Holly, we're about to get crushed to death!

83
00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:55,751
So that's a no, then, is it?

84
00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:57,831
Once the nanos rebuilt the ship,

85
00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,654
I thought things were
going to get back to normal.

86
00:06:59,678 --> 00:07:02,836
We don't know where we are, what to
do, and haven't a clue what's happening.

87
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,832
Things ARE back to normal.

88
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,196
You don't even fancy a bit of a quick one?

89
00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:14,074
Science-fiction film,
name of the ship, one word.

90
00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:17,995
(HUMS THROUGH HIS NOSE)

91
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:22,991
The Nostrilomo!

92
00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:26,835
Spent a week thinking that one up.

93
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,320
Good, innit?

94
00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:31,575
Computing time to impact. Calculations
coming through. Here they come.

95
00:07:31,599 --> 00:07:32,758
How long have we got?

96
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:35,580
About the time it takes
to read a stop sign, sir.

97
00:07:35,604 --> 00:07:39,433
That's OK then. I don't always
get through those in one sitting.

98
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:42,492
What are our chances
of getting out of here?

99
00:07:42,516 --> 00:07:47,915
About the same odds as discovering Mr Lister
saddle-stitching the hem of a pair of lemon maternity slacks.

100
00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:52,392
I must admit, it's been a while since I did that.
Can't you get this crate to go faster?

101
00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:55,998
It's gonna be like getting crushed
to death by a gigantic trouser press!

102
00:07:56,022 --> 00:07:57,953
Freshly laundered
and wrinkle-free.

103
00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:03,477
- I always prayed I'd go out like that.
- There may be a way through this if we take a detour.

104
00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:07,161
Go past Epsilon 14 and take a right at the
hydro unit, we'll save about two minutes.

105
00:08:07,185 --> 00:08:14,072
What do you say, sir? I don't understand a woman who's
hurtling towards 30 and still has a teddy called Boo-Boo.

106
00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:18,199
- But when it comes to navigation, there's none finer!
- What's your view, Hol?

107
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:21,830
Straight up your nose
when you lean in like that.

108
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,638
Epsilon 14.

109
00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:29,353
There's some kind of heartbeat up ahead.

110
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:34,435
- And it's beating at an incredible rate.
- You mean there's a heart out there with no body?

111
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:36,557
No wonder it's beating so fast!

112
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:52,318
(THROBBING HEARTBEAT)

113
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:05,629
Hope we don't get stopped by the cops.

114
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:08,679
They don't like it when you're rat-arsed.

115
00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:28,871
According to the desk we've lost all engines.

116
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:34,911
Hey, didn't I read somewhere
that can seriously affect your ability to fly?

117
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:42,238
Now we've lost the midsection and the kitchen.

118
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:46,473
I'm sorry, everyone, but we may have
to have sandwiches for lunch.

119
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:48,794
(ALL) Oh...

120
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,557
(COUGHING)

121
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:38,394
- Dave?
- Selby...

122
00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:40,915
Chen... Is it really you?

123
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:44,036
Is it really us? Hang on. I'll check.

124
00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:48,551
- Think it's us.
- Guys, this is brilliant.

125
00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:52,315
- I can't believe it!
- You know these people, sir?

126
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:55,711
Know them? When they've been drunk
and unconscious,

127
00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:59,111
I've taken their clothes off and painted
parts of them green. Of course I know them!

128
00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:01,476
This is the Red Dwarf crew, Krytie!

129
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:04,917
- How?
- The nanos must've resurrected them along with the ship.

130
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:08,960
This is Chen. He works in the
kitchen and he's always drunk.

131
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:13,114
And this is Selby, and he's always drunk, too.
Where's Petersen?

132
00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:14,600
He couldn't make it.

133
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:16,831
He's drunk!

134
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:21,790
The crew are all alive. Great news.
wonderful, marvellous, incredible news.

135
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:24,793
All that extra ironing - bliss!

136
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:31,158
Mr Thornton, read them their rights.

137
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:36,956
David Lister, you are formally charged
with stealing and crashing a Starbug,

138
00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:39,264
You are also charged with
having no pilot's licence,

139
00:11:39,288 --> 00:11:42,911
and smuggling two stowaways onboard along
with Navigation Officer Kristine Kochanski.

140
00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:47,995
Anything you say now or do not say now may be
used by the board of inquiry against you.

141
00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:50,390
Do you require any form of aid?

142
00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:54,030
Yeah, lemonade and a really large Scotch.

143
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:56,316
Left, right, left, right...

144
00:11:56,480 --> 00:12:00,633
- Relax. You're gonna burst a blood vessel.
- Shut up you maggot Do you understand?!

145
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:02,677
- Do you understand?!
- Yes.

146
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,160
Yes, what?

147
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:08,518
- Yes, Mr Shouty.
- Yes, sir! Left, right, left, right...

148
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:11,596
... left, right. Halt!

149
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:13,751
Left arm.

150
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:17,959
At ease.

151
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:25,431
(HOLLY) All right, dude?

152
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:31,118
They don't know about you yet, Hol. It might be
an idea to keep it that way. I need some info.

153
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:34,159
If the board of enquiry finds us guilty tomorrow, what happens then?

154
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:39,076
Well, they'll probably have a pot of tea,
a bit of a chat and go home, I suppose.

155
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:41,800
What happens to us, you divvy, not them!

156
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:45,032
Well, if you lose, you'll probably get a couple of years in the brig.

157
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:47,191
- What brig?
- The brig on floor 13,

158
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:50,398
- There isn't a floor 13.
- Yeah, there is. It was classified,

159
00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:52,358
A need-to-know-only basis.

160
00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:54,557
- So who knew?
- Well all the officers,

161
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:58,315
and anyone who's ever seen
"The Twilight Zone".

162
00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:00,471
So what's it like, this brig?

163
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:05,396
If I was an estate agent, I'd probably describe it
as an old-style penal establishment,

164
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:07,949
abundant wildlife, 200 bedrooms

165
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,634
all with en suite buckets.

166
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,153
Smegging "ell!

167
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,311
They call it the Tank.

168
00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:20,111
There was an inmate population of 400
all being transported to Adelphi 12

169
00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:25,992
- Presumably they've all been resurrected, too.
- What are they like? No, don't tell me I already know.

170
00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:29,898
They're all deranged, hairy no-lobers, breath
like old nappies, arms like toilet walls,

171
00:13:29,922 --> 00:13:32,395
scum-of-the-universe,
they're all like that aren't they?

172
00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:36,358
Well, the nice ones are, yeah.

173
00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:40,832
Hang on. I've got one of them on file
somewhere. Here we go.

174
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:44,240
I'm Nigel.

175
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:45,913
I'm nice.

176
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:51,470
See what I mean? They're not all headbangers.

177
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:55,556
Nige is lovely.
Though he does tend to get a bit narky

178
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:58,792
if you go too close to him with a magnet.

179
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,239
Thanks, very much Hol.
You're really cheering me up (!)

180
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:07,111
The brig!

181
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,112
Two years!

182
00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:11,510
Two years without curry and lager!

183
00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:14,320
Two years without sex!

184
00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:17,549
You hope.

185
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,956
- Rimmer!
- Words out, they're gonna throw the book at you, Listy,

186
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:25,192
followed by the bookcase and then the library, brick by brick.

187
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:27,556
God, it's you like you used to be.

188
00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:29,438
Uugh...

189
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:35,069
What got into you? You can't fly a Starbug, miladdo.
You're a technician. A zero. A nobody.

190
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:40,956
Look, this is gonna sound nuts, but
the whole crew died, including you,

191
00:14:40,980 --> 00:14:43,511
and you've all been resurrected
by these microscopic little robots.

192
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:45,880
- I died?
- Yeah.

193
00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:47,700
- All the crew died?
-Yeah.

194
00:14:47,700 --> 00:14:48,909
And you're gonna spend
the next two years in the brig

195
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:52,357
with a load of Neanderthals
with badly spelt tattoos?

196
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,516
So where are we? Is this my heaven?

197
00:14:56,720 --> 00:15:01,715
Look, a radiation leak wiped everybody out.
I survived ‘cause I was in stasis.

198
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:06,829
Then these nanos arrived, rebuilt the ship
and resurrected the crew.

199
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:11,620
So where are they?
- Dunno. Gone. Scarpered. Maybe I should take the Fifth.

200
00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:14,631
The Fifth? If I were you, I'd take
the Sixth, Seventh and Eighth, too.

201
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:20,512
I've gotta track down these nanos to corroborate our
story, otherwise who will believe our defence?

202
00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:24,958
Only meths drinkers and the Corn Circle Society.
I need your help, man.

203
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:29,876
- Me?
- Who else is gonna help me? I'm confined to quarters.

204
00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:35,274
The minute I walk through that door, I get enough
wattage up me jacksy to light up the whole of Bootle.

205
00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:39,035
Well, considering what the future
has in store for your jacksy,

206
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:42,158
a couple of zillion volts is gonna be easy street.

207
00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:46,592
Why have the nanobots done this? Put us in this situation?

208
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:48,805
In the past, they've only
ever done things which have

209
00:15:48,829 --> 00:15:51,072
ultimately benefited us. We
should take comfort in that.

210
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:54,056
- Like what?
- Like when they first stole Red Dwarf.

211
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:56,431
And took on a merry goose
chase halfway around the galaxy.

212
00:15:56,600 --> 00:16:00,389
They led us to Legion,
where Mr Rimmer acquired a hard-light body.

213
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:01,436
Benefit.

214
00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:04,110
And then they took us back to
Red Dwarf and rebooted Holly.

215
00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:09,514
Benefit. And after that, they led you
to the temporal rip where you met me.

216
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:19,150
(TOILET FLUSHES)

217
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:24,796
(HISSING SPRAY)

218
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:33,993
What's this rumour that we're three million light years into
deep space, and Red Dwarf's changed shape?

219
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:40,029
That is classified information, Karen!
Who the hell told you that?

220
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,191
The coffee machine on G Deck.

221
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:46,831
Damn coffee machine! I'm gonna bust
his ass down to tampon dispenser.

222
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:49,400
Is it true?

223
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:53,159
Until we get Holly back up, we can't verify it.

224
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:57,917
Starbug took out one of his CPU banks in the
crash and we're having trouble rebooting.

225
00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:02,017
The coffee machine said the ship's
now identical to its original design plans

226
00:17:02,041 --> 00:17:03,951
before the JMC
made all its cutbacks.

227
00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:07,715
We now have a quark level
matter-anti-matter generator,

228
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:12,317
ship wired by bio-organic computer networking,
and a karaoke bar on C deck.

229
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:15,871
But how? And how did we wind up in deep space?

230
00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:18,509
 Nobody knows.

231
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:32,830
We don't believe this one's human.
Take a look at this.

232
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:35,310
(WHISTLES) Has he got the measles?

233
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,039
Those are his nipples, Frank.

234
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:42,597
Six nipples?
I wonder what's the female of the species like?

235
00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:44,831
Pretty easy to please in bed.

236
00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:48,629
Especially if you play the piano.

237
00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:52,319
- His internal organs are different, too.
- In what way?

238
00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:56,030
His kidney, liver, appendix,
are colour-coordinated.

239
00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:01,914
And even weirder, his stomach wall
appears to be decorated.

240
00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:05,471
This guy's intestines look better
than my quarters.

241
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:11,795
His heartbeat's weird, too.
Instead of a normal heartbeat, his sounds...cooler.

242
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:17,311
Do you think I'm gonna have the dorky human
heartbeat? Doo-duh. Doo-duh.

243
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:21,075
Doo-duh. Doo-duh. Where's the tune in that?

244
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:23,516
Let me hear it.

245
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:28,157
(HIP-HOP BEAT)

246
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,355
Also, his pulse is a different rhythm.

247
00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:37,752
(SAMBA RHYTHM)

248
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:45,315
That's good. Will you slam that
down on tape for me?

249
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:55,073
Rimmer, I'm begging you man, help me escape.
I've got to track down these nanobots.

250
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:58,710
I'm not risking my career and standing for you, Lister.
I'm going places.

251
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:00,951
Up the ziggurat lickety-split (!)

252
00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:04,670
Up the ziggurat lickety-split, precisely. I'm going to pass the engineering exam.

253
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:07,992
- And become an officer.
- And become an officer, yes.

254
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:10,549
A guy of honour, decency and breeding.

255
00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:14,512
Are you saying I haven't got those qualities?

256
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:17,079
Generally, people with
breeding, when they're bored

257
00:19:17,103 --> 00:19:19,743
and want my bridge club
chums to wrap up and go home -

258
00:19:19,767 --> 00:19:22,528
people with breeding, generally
do not play "Popeye the Sailor Man"

259
00:19:22,552 --> 00:19:25,313
with a kazoo inserted
between their buttocks.

260
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:28,593
I remember that.

261
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:31,991
(LAUGHS) I used to do that sort of thing,
didn't I ?

262
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:37,519
And while we're on the subject. When someone's had a tad
too much claret and has fallen asleep naked on their bunk,

263
00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:42,231
people of honour generally don't take
a Polaroid of your snoozing todger,

264
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:44,994
draw a moustache, mouth and ears on it...

265
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:49,953
..then pin it up on the bulletin board
under "Missing Persons".

266
00:19:57,320 --> 00:20:03,157
They don't write underneath, "Have you seen
this man, believed to be a French movie star?"

267
00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:09,112
As if your todger with a couple of eyes drawn on it
would look like a French movie star.

268
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:12,110
Way too good-looking.

269
00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:15,957
- Don't expect help from me, Lister.
- But that was years ago.

270
00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:18,509
- It was last week!
- Yeah, last week for you.

271
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:22,116
You've just been resurrected - years ago for me.

272
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:26,239
Anyway, I was wurlitzered then.
I even finished off the advocaat.

273
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:30,917
I even downed that smeg-awful pink stuff
at the back of the drinks cabinet.

274
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,435
That was my windolene.

275
00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:37,036
I must've left it there when I was cleaning the glass.

276
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:41,671
It tasted all right with that
chartreuse green liqueury thing in it.

277
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:47,057
You drank my Swarfega, too?
You're unbelievable.

278
00:20:47,081 --> 00:20:50,755
I'm changed, I'm different now.
More mature. More debonair.

279
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:55,437
I don't even stir me tea with a spanner
any more. You'd hardly recognise me.

280
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:58,240
- Have you stopped playing the guitar?
- No.

281
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:01,950
But I've stopped accompanying
myself on me armpit.

282
00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:05,670
What I'm trying to say is I don't have to take
my frustrations out on you any more.

283
00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:07,239
How's that?

284
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:12,713
I've been away. What is it? Five, six years
not counting stasis? I've done stuff.

285
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:16,839
Stuff that would make your hair straight.
I've come through it.

286
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:20,675
- I can help you.
- Do what?

287
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:22,831
Get promoted.

288
00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:25,160
Preposterous!

289
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:26,640
How?

290
00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:33,357
Information. I've seen the crew's confidential
reports. I've seen their strengths and weaknesses.

291
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:36,556
- How?
- Well, before you were resurrected,

292
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:39,075
I had the run of the whole of the ship.

293
00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:43,837
I've seen the crew's files, medical records, sessions with the therapists - the works.

294
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:46,640
Knowledge is power. Who said that?

295
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:48,791
- I don't know.
- Nor do I.

296
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:54,310
The point I'm making is
I can make you look like a genius.

297
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:59,873
You can get promoted in the field, man. You won't have
to take exams - do that astroengineering smeg.

298
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:02,111
Just help me escape?

299
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:08,151
I have my principles, Lister. You think you can buy me
with promises of power and glory? You really think...

300
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:10,311
OK, I'll do it.

301
00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:14,792
- But, you'll have to prove it to me first.
- You're on.

302
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:16,997
- Get me promoted.
- You've got it.

303
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:18,878
OK. Deal.

304
00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:22,271
You'll find the confidential files in Starbug's cockpit.

305
00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:27,310
A senile version of Holly is loaded
into this watch. He'll lead you to it.

306
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:32,753
(MCCLAREN) Hello. I'm Dr Lucas McClaren.
I'm the ship's chief psychiatric counsellor.

307
00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:36,993
And I thought it was about time we
got together and had a really good natter.

308
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:38,958
My name is Kryten, sir.

309
00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:42,750
Lovely. We are doing well, aren't we!

310
00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:46,798
Now, you're a robot, aren't you?

311
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:50,199
I was the last time I looked, sir, yes.

312
00:22:50,360 --> 00:22:54,354
And can you tell me when you were created?
Can you remember?

313
00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:56,033
2340, sir.

314
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:58,760
Very good. 2340.

315
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:01,958
Now, that's in the future, isn't it?

316
00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:04,396
Yes, sir. I was created after you died.

317
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:06,551
Lovely!

318
00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:13,596
So, I died and you were created - and how long
would you say I've been dead altogether?

319
00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:16,718
- You're not dead any more, sir.
- Aren't I?

320
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:21,679
- No, no. You're alive again now, sir. Can't you tell?
- Right...

321
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:26,152
I was alive, died, and then started living again.

322
00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:29,711
- You've been most fortunate, sir.
- I have, haven't I?!

323
00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:33,953
(CHUCKLES) Golly. Your chair IS
screwed down, isn't it, Kryten?

324
00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:40,192
- Yes, sir.
- Just checking. Excellent. Lovely. Lovely...

325
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:42,078
So...

326
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:44,993
How did I suddenly spring back to life again?

327
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:48,994
You were rebuilt, sir, by these teeny-weeny
teenty little robots.

328
00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:52,357
- Teenty little robots?
- And they make this little noise.

329
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:54,318
(SQUEAKS) Mini-mini-mini-mini-mini-mini

330
00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:58,030
Yes. just double-check that
chair for me, would you, Kryten?

331
00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:00,919
- It IS screwed down, isn't it?
- Yes, sir.

332
00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:04,869
with long, long screws
that go deep, deep into the ground?

333
00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:06,917
Yes, sir.

334
00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:12,632
Now, tell me. What kind of robot do you think
you are? What were you programmed to do?

335
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:17,954
I'm a sanitation droid, sir... I'm programmed to do sanitation-type
things - washing, cleaning, ironing.

336
00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:22,353
You also drive spaceships though, don't you?
Pretend to be the science officer

337
00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:27,037
and sit in that lovely, swivelly chair
with those lovely, pretty buttons and press them all.

338
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:28,713
Yes, I do that too, sir.

339
00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:31,952
- That's sort of thanks to Mr Lister.
- Mr Lister?

340
00:24:32,120 --> 00:24:34,171
He helped me break
my programming, sir.

341
00:24:34,195 --> 00:24:39,557
Over the years, I've managed to develop some serious
character faults of which I'm extremely proud.

342
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:42,360
I'm even able to lie to a modest standard.

343
00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:45,273
For example: you have a very fine haircut.

344
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:47,511
(LAUGHS)

345
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:53,559
You see how good I've got?
Also, I've completely mastered pomposity,

346
00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:56,155
even though I say so myself.

347
00:24:56,320 --> 00:25:00,632
I've also developed several
rudimentary emotions, including fear...

348
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:03,553
(SHRIEKS) Oh, my God. It's going to kill us!

349
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:06,951
Sadness... (QUIETLY) Oh, my God. It's killed us.

350
00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:09,080
Happiness...

351
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:10,833
Oh, no, it hasn't!

352
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:14,356
Surprise...
(SQUEALS) Ooh! I've turned into a frog!

353
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:22,120
And just lately, I'm proud to say, I've got the hang of anger
with rudimentary mindless violence. Arrgh!

354
00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:25,999
That's a newie.

355
00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:29,516
I was gonna launch it
at this year's emotion show.

356
00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:32,433
At the moment, I'm working on ambivalence,

357
00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:36,753
which means feeling two opposite
irreconcilable emotions about the same thing.

358
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:39,309
(GROANS)

359
00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:43,670
As you can see, I haven't got the hang of that one yet.

360
00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:47,878
I look like a dog with a caramel toffee.

361
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:56,720
- What is your relationship with Lister?
- I love Mr Lister, sir. He taught me everything.

362
00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:59,554
Without him, I'd probably be normal.

363
00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:05,074
I'm gonna make a recommendation now, Kryten,
which I think will help you,

364
00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:09,473
but just before I do, just double-check
that chair for me, would you?

365
00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:22,079
(TAPPING KEYS)

366
00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:25,113
Yes!

367
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:32,917
Luck virus? Sexual magnetism?

368
00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:35,351
- (BEEP)
- Holly, what's this?

369
00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:39,434
They got them years ago
from this scientist called Lanstrom.

370
00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:44,800
They're positive viruses. One gives you
sexual magnetism, and the other gives you luck.

371
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:47,839
Well, till your natural body defences combat the virus.

372
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,833
Sexual magnetism!

373
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:54,914
- Are you gonna use it?
- Is Paris a kind of plaster? You bet I am!

374
00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:57,720
A tiny swigette to see if it works.

375
00:26:57,880 --> 00:26:59,871
Well, bottoms up.

376
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:05,151
Then bottoms down,
and hopefully, bottoms up again!

377
00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:16,311
(ALL) Hi there!

378
00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:19,753
Ladies?

379
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:21,911
Hi, Arnold.

380
00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:24,674
The world loves a bastard!

381
00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:34,871
# It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere

382
00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:38,351
# I'm all alone, more or less

383
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:41,717
# Let me fly far away from here

384
00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:44,520
# Fun, fun, fun

385
00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:48,355
# In the sun, sun, sun

386
00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:51,797
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

387
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:54,998
# Drinking fresh mango juice

388
00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:58,516
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

389
00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:01,354
# Fun, fun, fun

390
00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:04,990
# In the sun, sun, sun

391
00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:07,993
# Fun, fun, fun

392
00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:12,677
# In the sun, sun, sun #