1 00:00:04,560 --> 00:00:07,757 ("RED DWARF" THEME) 2 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:53,239 ("Stand By Your Man" by Tammy Wynette) # Sometimes it's hard to be a woman 3 00:00:55,960 --> 00:01:01,797 # Giving all your love to just one man 4 00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:09,233 # You'll have bad times 5 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:14,394 # And he'll have good times 6 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:20,397 # Doing things that you don't understand 7 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:29,471 # But if you love him, you'll forgive him... # 8 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,633 (LISTER) Post's arrived. 9 00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:35,235 Brilliant. A bit of excitement at last. 10 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:47,476 See that? It's a beaut. One of the struts has collapsed on me bed. I think it was those beans. 11 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:49,597 Oh, the mail. 12 00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:57,711 Haven't had a chance to look. Anything from my mates? 13 00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:03,000 Don't think so. There's nothing in orange crayon with half the letters backwards. 14 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:05,957 - Anything for you? - Just the usual. 15 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:08,111 A couple of death threats. 16 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:12,316 And I'm in the "Reader's Digest" lucky dip. 17 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:18,998 Apparently, I'm one of the special few selected for their lucky dip. 18 00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:22,519 That'll be you and the other twelve zillion people then, will it? 19 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:29,400 I've won either a holiday in Mauritius, a soft-top sportscar, or a fabulous matching set of egg cups. 20 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:33,519 "Scrape with a coin to discover which." 21 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:38,195 I've won the holiday! 22 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:39,680 What? 23 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:43,754 Three million years into deep space where I can't claim it, 24 00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:47,038 I go and win a smegging holiday in Mauritius! 25 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:50,993 - Oh, they're taking the smeg. - What now? 26 00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:53,629 I've won the Lottery as well. 27 00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:57,673 "To collect your cheque, 28 00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:02,789 "simply bring your winning ticket to Lottery House, 24 Argyle Street." Four million! 29 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,474 No luck, that's my problem. No luck at all. 30 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:09,153 It's just a wind-up from the guards to sap our morale. 31 00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:11,152 - Here's one for you. - Who from? 32 00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:12,640 Petersen. 33 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:15,673 My God, that is tragic. 34 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:18,078 What's happened to him, has he died? 35 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:21,312 Died? Do you think he'd write and tell you? 36 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:25,594 Yeah, you're right, you're right. I'm not thinking straight. 37 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:28,752 He'd be too busy with his funeral and everything, wouldn't he? 38 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:34,589 - What's happened to him? - Something catastrophic. Hideous. 39 00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:39,709 He's found your guitar in Starbug's wreckage and he's sending it here. 40 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:41,871 Brilliant! 41 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:47,109 - Are you OK? - Of course I'm not OK. I hate your guitar. 42 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:50,352 If I wanted to share a cell with an irritating lump of wood, 43 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:53,506 I'd have moved in with an Australian soap star. 44 00:03:53,530 --> 00:03:56,516 I didn't realise you thought I was that bad. 45 00:03:56,680 --> 00:04:00,230 Didn't you get a clue that time I tried to insert it in you? 46 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:06,235 You'd have stood a better chance if you'd used the neck end. 47 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:11,471 Anyway, you were revising. You always get a bit uptight when you're revising. 48 00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:15,270 Come on, come on - what about the Om song? That was a classic! 49 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:17,317 #Om..... 50 00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:19,994 #om! # 51 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:23,357 People who heard that formed self-help groups. 52 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:27,036 Don't give me that. They played me demo on hospital radio. 53 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:31,034 Yes, and three patients came out of comas, packed their bags and went home. 54 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:34,959 Hey! The axe man is back! 55 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:37,111 You beaut! 56 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:45,552 Hang on. There's no strings. 57 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:47,996 They've confiscated the strings! 58 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:56,076 I feel like a man who leaps out of a plane with no parachute 59 00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:59,119 and lands in the hot tub at the Playboy mansion. 60 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:02,556 Why would they take me strings? It doesn't make sense. 61 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,925 Prison regs, you're not allowed anything you can hang yourself with. 62 00:05:05,949 --> 00:05:09,517 I wouldn't wanna hang meself if I had me guitar strings. 63 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,274 I think they were thinking of me. 64 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:17,196 Maybe my luck's changing. At last a break. 65 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,391 (GUARD) By the way, I forgot - for you. 66 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:28,714 "Because of the nature of your crime, blah-blah-blah-blah... 67 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:31,716 "...we are willing to review your case. 68 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:36,556 "For this process to be successful, you would need a record of good behaviour, and accept the consequences 69 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:41,954 "That a successful appeal would mean similar amnesty for prisoner colleagues in your situation." 70 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:43,918 (BOTH) Yes! 71 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:55,391 Well, thanks to Kill Crazy, that was the least enjoyable suicide mission I've ever been on. 72 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:58,928 I'm standing there, right? And right in front of me was this weird sort of mutant thing 73 00:05:58,952 --> 00:06:01,033 with like, two heads and all these tentacles. 74 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:04,192 It took one look at me and ran off. 75 00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:07,954 Why do you think it done that? 76 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:10,270 (SNIFFS) 77 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:15,711 You don't know what it's like being classified as a woman, sir. The humiliation! 78 00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:17,359 I know. I know. 79 00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:19,989 Why should I, a series 4000 mechanoid, 80 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:25,872 have to endure the turgid monotony of showering with the girls three times a week? 81 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:30,159 - Tell me that! - It's not fair, I know. It's just that... 82 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:40,390 - You shower with the girls? - Oh, it's so hideously dull, I can't describe it. 83 00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:44,394 As, they stand around soaping themselves. 84 00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:48,754 Their bodies all wet and foamy. 85 00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:56,356 Can you imagine it? 86 00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:03,432 Oh, my goodness. We've been frozen in time again. 87 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:06,793 Hello? 88 00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:12,156 Extraordinary. It must be a warp in the time-space continuum. 89 00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:15,358 How curious it isn't affecting me. 90 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:19,434 We're not frozen in time, Krytie. We were just thinking about what you were saying. 91 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:30,479 It's times like this that make me thankful I'm just a head. 92 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:35,353 Oi, droid boy. Oi, Next time you're in the showers, 93 00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:39,832 why don't you, y'know? Smuggle in a camera and film 'em, eh? Yeah, that'd be brilliant! 94 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,389 I haven't seen a naked woman since... 95 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,551 Well, ever. 96 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:46,520 Here, I'd pay ya. 97 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:49,877 - What do you say? - No. I forbid it. 98 00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:51,792 Yeah, me... What? 99 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:56,679 It's voyeuristic, exploitative and immature. 100 00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:58,831 All right. Who are you? 101 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:02,038 And what have you done with our Rimmer? 102 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,031 Gentlemen, allow me to clarify my position. 103 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:09,114 Morally speaking, using a hidden camera in the women's showers, 104 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:15,231 taking shots of them sudding themselves with mounds of foam, without their permission... 105 00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:18,995 Morally speaking - I'm speaking morally here - 106 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:22,039 I'm all in favour! 107 00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:26,910 However, Listy has been invited to appeal and a scam like this could ruin it. 108 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:29,879 - Appeal? - Yeah, I'm appealing. 109 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:33,356 That's a minority view. 110 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:38,797 Look, if he's successful, we can all be successful. We've just got to be model prisoners. 111 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:41,190 Screw his appeal. I wanna see skin! 112 00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:43,749 Yeah! What do you say, bird-tray head? 113 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:47,072 Are you asking me to betray the people I live with? 114 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:50,055 To ignore their humanity and reduce them to mindless sex objects 115 00:08:50,079 --> 00:08:51,996 merely there for your moronic titillation? 116 00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:53,958 Yes, please! 117 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:57,077 If you'll excuse me, I forgot who I was for a moment. 118 00:08:57,240 --> 00:09:00,710 - Hey, what are you doing? - I'm a woman and proud of it. 119 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:04,475 If you'll excuse, I'll be with my fellow sisters, doing it for ourselves. 120 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:18,952 I'm going to make this quick and easy. Last night, on D wing, 121 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:21,555 I was beaten up and mugged. 122 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:30,997 You have one chance. I'm turning the lights off for precisely ten seconds. 123 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:32,798 During which, I want whoever took it... 124 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,675 ..to return my glass eye. 125 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:43,560 Kill the lights. 126 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:47,430 Ten...nine...eight... 127 00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:50,353 - ..seven...six... - (CLUNK!) 128 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:59,354 I'm glad to see good sense prevailed. 129 00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:12,069 I have a date with Miss Patricia Carling from Supplies on Saturday night. 130 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:15,073 She thinks my eyes are my loveliest feature. 131 00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,629 If I go like this, I'm only half lovely! 132 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:26,159 If it's not returned within 30 seconds, all Canary privileges suspended. One month. 133 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:29,676 I know who stole your left peeper, sir. 134 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:34,789 It was him, sir. I saw him playing marbles with it this morning, sir. 135 00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:40,798 - Thank you, Rimmer. - (CLUNK!) 136 00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:51,434 Have you gone mad? You don't rat on other inmates. It's an unwritten law. 137 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:55,673 Look, if it helps the appeal, what else matters? Model prisoners. 138 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:12,274 Would the sky really fall in if people just tidied up a little? 139 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:40,800 They're here! They've landed! 140 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:43,474 - Who have? - The invisible aliens. 141 00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:46,678 - Look! There's one. - And there's another. 142 00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:49,357 Agh! 143 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:53,832 From the people who brought you "Vampire Bikini Girls Suck Paris", 144 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,514 comes another cinematic masterpiece. 145 00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:05,109 - Marvel at the special effects! Marvel at the high fidelity sound! - Looks like another pearler! 146 00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:07,920 Why do they always show us these lousy B-movies? 147 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:12,119 To sap our morale. Next week, it's the George Formby season. 148 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:16,751 (AS FORMBY) Get your hanging rope now while there's still some left! Wahey! 149 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:19,679 Good evening. 150 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:25,199 Tonight's scheduled feature has been cancelled and replaced by a special live pay-per-view event 151 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:28,352 brought to you courtesy of Krytie TV. 152 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:32,991 Transmitting live by my optical receptors, we bring you live and lithe, 153 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:35,231 Women's Shower Night! 154 00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:38,198 (CHEERING) 155 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:50,797 Are they really gonna show this? No way! This is a joke, right? This is a... 156 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:59,400 - Oh, Mama! - You know what this means, don't you? 157 00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:01,551 There is a god? 158 00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:04,800 They got to him. They reprogrammed Kryten. 159 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,156 (SILENT) 160 00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:11,301 If we get caught watching this your appeal's dead in the water. 161 00:13:11,325 --> 00:13:13,737 - Forget the appeal. - I already have! 162 00:13:13,761 --> 00:13:17,316 I'm on about Kris, she's never gonna believe I wasn't involved in this. 163 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:18,800 We've got to stop it. 164 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,998 - You're right. I want no part of this. - Me neither. 165 00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:24,151 - We've gotta go. - Right now. 166 00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:26,391 - Not a minute to lose. - I'm dust. 167 00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:29,313 Me, too. After two. 168 00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:32,120 One, two... Go! 169 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:45,119 And now, I'm gonna stare at a cracked floor tile. 170 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:48,078 What's he doing that for? 171 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:52,120 Remember - shower night is a pay-per-view event. 172 00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:55,920 Start filling those buckets! 173 00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,396 (CLATTERING COINS) 174 00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:08,073 I can't believe this. He's running it like a business. There's even a bloke over there selling ice creams. 175 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:09,799 Never mind him. Now! 176 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:12,713 - We've gotta go right now. - I'm going, I'm going... 177 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:19,513 Now, let's get up close and personal with one of the showerees, Miss Kristine Kochanski. 178 00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:25,991 Fancy a choc ice? 179 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:38,756 OK. Splendid. 180 00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:42,436 - Later. - Mr Kryten. Visitor, sir. 181 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:52,480 Kryten. Look, I know Kill Crazy's reprogrammed you - turned you into a ruthless entrepreneur - 182 00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:54,995 but I think I know how to change you back. 183 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:57,470 Well, keep it to yourself, sir. 184 00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:00,200 I'll make it worth your while. 185 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:03,712 Can't you see what it's done to you! 186 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:07,630 It's made me rich, feared and respected. I'm loving every minute of it. 187 00:15:07,654 --> 00:15:10,236 I've just bought the rights to the 5-a-side soccer tournament today. 188 00:15:10,260 --> 00:15:13,231 Tomorrow, I'm hoping to get the boxing. 189 00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:16,563 Ah, Miss Kochanski! Good to have you back. I've a little gift for you. 190 00:15:16,587 --> 00:15:17,633 Ooh, another one? 191 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:23,796 Nothing's too good for you, ma'am. You know you were worried about picking up verrucas in the shower room? 192 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:25,871 Well, I've got the perfect solution - 193 00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:28,156 a waterproof pogo stick. 194 00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:32,800 This has got to stop. 195 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:36,874 But the pogo stick could put the ratings through the roof, sir! 196 00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,873 Think of the money! Think of the show! 197 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:48,432 I'm crazy about her. I'm not gonna let you do this. 198 00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,159 Do what? 199 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:52,914 How do you think Kryten got all this? 200 00:15:55,320 --> 00:16:00,235 "Shower Night Live." Oh, God, is he paying some of the girls to do this? 201 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:02,912 Who's that with the sponge? 202 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:07,031 That's me! 203 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,714 It replaced the Wednesday night movie. 204 00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:13,316 I saw the whole thing - all three terrible hours of it. 205 00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:16,393 - It was awful. - Is that the time? 206 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:20,235 I've got a merchandising meeting in two minutes. Excuse me. 207 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:23,472 You are dead, nickel-hydride breath! And you... 208 00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:25,313 What have I done? 209 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:27,630 You were there for three hours of it. 210 00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:30,235 Yeah, but I didn't enjoy it. I was outraged. 211 00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:35,156 - Why do you think I only had one choc ice? - How could you go along with this? 212 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:38,517 I'm only human. You were completely naked. 213 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:40,876 Starkers. Nude. 214 00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:43,350 In the buff. Totally kitless. 215 00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:45,272 You had no clothes on. 216 00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:47,909 You've seen me with no clothes on when we went out. 217 00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:51,198 Yeah, but I wanted to see if anything had changed. 218 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:55,916 So, why didn't you just ask instead of filming me in secret? 219 00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:59,630 - Cause, you'd have said no. - Not necessarily. 220 00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,604 If I'd known it meant that much to you that you needed to 221 00:17:02,628 --> 00:17:05,432 see me naked so badly, I wouldn't necessarily have said no. 222 00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:11,554 - You wouldn't? - No. We're friends, aren't we? 223 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,799 It never occurred to me that I could just ask. 224 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,635 You're such a great friend. I love being your friend. 225 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:24,110 - Kris... - No! Not now. 226 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:26,590 And now... not ever. 227 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:30,435 - But you just said... - We're not friends any more. 228 00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:43,992 Appeal applications, Listy. Character testimonials! 229 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:47,551 - What's this? - Kris found out about the shower thing. 230 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:51,793 - She went ballistic. Just a little a present to say sorry. - A bag of flour? 231 00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,349 No, two bags. 232 00:17:56,640 --> 00:18:02,033 I'm in the Tank, in the middle of deep space. I can't just get on the blower to Interflora, y'know? 233 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,191 Flour. Flours. 234 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:13,554 - It's the closest I could get. - You romantic fool. 235 00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:18,271 Do you know how hard it is getting this stuff? I had to nick this from the bakery. She'll appreciate that. 236 00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:21,512 I can just see her reading the card: "Dear Kris, 237 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:27,232 "I'm really sorry for ogling you and the girls in the shower yesterday for three gobsmacking hours of steamy fun. 238 00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:35,272 "To make up for it, and to indicate how truly sorry I am, here's two bags of self-raising. 239 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:43,755 "Something I didn't need any help with yesterday." 240 00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:50,640 It's easy for you, you're not crazy about her. It's really debilitating being nuts about someone. 241 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:53,713 You lose 20 IQ points every time you talk to them. 242 00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:57,475 You must be nuts about a fair few people, then are you? 243 00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:07,873 The girls found out about "Shower Night". They attacked me, cleaned out my system and kicked me out. 244 00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:10,919 I've been reclassified as a man. 245 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:17,831 I feel terrible, sir, for endangering your appeal. 246 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,753 It's not your fault, Kryten. They got to you. 247 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:24,836 - I presume you've heard the news about Miss Kochanski? - What news? 248 00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:27,071 - You haven't heard? - Heard what? 249 00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:28,576 - The news. - What news? 250 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:30,856 - You haven't heard the news? - Heard what news? 251 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:33,076 - No one's told you? - Told me what? 252 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,800 - About Miss Kochanski. - What about Miss Kochanski? 253 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,728 About Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim. 254 00:19:37,752 --> 00:19:39,954 What about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim? 255 00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:42,999 - I can't believe you don't know! - Know what?! 256 00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:44,878 - No one told you? - Told me what?! 257 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:50,035 You mean to say you're standing there blissfully unaware of the news about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim? 258 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,197 What news about about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim? 259 00:19:52,221 --> 00:19:52,999 I don't believe it! 260 00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:55,231 Believe what?! 261 00:19:55,400 --> 00:20:02,830 I'm so traumatised no one's had the guts to tell you the horrible, terrible, terribly, appallingly hideous, awful news. 262 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,879 I'm not sure I can even speak now. Heurgh! 263 00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:09,670 Kryten, there's a 200-foot drop down there. Now tell me the news. 264 00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,737 Well, she's started going out with Tim again. 265 00:20:11,761 --> 00:20:15,870 He's taking her to the officer's club tonight. Probation permits it provided she's back by 10. 266 00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:19,192 Oh! This is all down to that shower thing, isn't it? 267 00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:25,436 Well, you know what Tim's like, sir - impossibly handsome, oozes charm, a great lover, 268 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,399 and you're just... you. 269 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,877 (WAILS) It's so unfair! 270 00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:35,711 You must feel awful. 271 00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:38,679 Well, I do now. God! 272 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:43,710 - You're taking this very well, sir. I'm really impressed. - No, I'm not, man. I'm falling apart. 273 00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:46,713 I know that, but I was just trying to cheer you up. 274 00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:57,839 - What can I do? - You've gotta deal with your grief, man. 275 00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,879 A break-up is very much like a bereavement. 276 00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:05,193 It's usually followed by a cremation and some sandwiches. 277 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,470 You haven't got a clue what you're on about, have you? 278 00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:11,917 Mark my words, time is a great healer, 279 00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:16,074 unless you've got a rash, in which case you're better off with ointment. 280 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:20,446 Look, they haven't seen each other for ages. They're only going out for a meal. 281 00:21:20,470 --> 00:21:22,234 What's the worst thing that could happen? 282 00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:25,711 How's this, Listy? 283 00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:30,912 A little wine, a little laughter, then back to his place for coffee and a game of chess. 284 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:34,596 Before you know it, she's sandwiched between two bishops, 285 00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:37,991 and the queen's exposed to an attack from the rear. 286 00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:42,600 It's a tragedy! 287 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:43,986 What are you so bothered about? 288 00:21:44,010 --> 00:21:46,515 I thought you hated the idea of me and her getting it together? 289 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:50,435 That was the old me, sir. I've grown and matured since then. 290 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:55,310 No, the new me wants you to have children so I can iron those itty-bitty little socks. 291 00:21:55,480 --> 00:22:00,031 You're not getting any younger, sir, and neither are your sperms. 292 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:02,635 I'm getting worried about those guys. 293 00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:07,795 Any older, and they'll need a Stanner stairlift to get up the Fallopian tubes! 294 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:11,576 So what do you propose? 295 00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:16,326 We nail that horny stag and get you and the divine Miss K together. It's my way of saying sorry. 296 00:22:16,350 --> 00:22:18,912 But nothing that's gonna endanger the appeal. 297 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:21,071 First, we sabotage the date. 298 00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:26,110 - We? You mean you wanna help me? - Step onboard the Love Express, sir! 299 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:31,873 Now, we get to his quarters through the air-vents. I paid off the guards. 300 00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:38,150 Then you make him look like the nerdiest slob in the entire universe. This is what you'll leave in his quarters. 301 00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:42,439 A half-eaten onion sandwich. That's always a passion-killer. 302 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:46,269 Is it? I like those. 303 00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:49,796 Then there's this. "Morris Dancer Monthly". 304 00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:55,589 What a total dweebo nerdmeister he'll look with those! 305 00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:58,274 They're mine. 306 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:05,518 Then there's these. Tragically unfashionable underpants. 307 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:08,591 They're mine. 308 00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:11,919 And finally, Christian rock music. 309 00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:15,118 If that doesn't scare her off, nothing will. 310 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:17,715 Have you been going through my things? 311 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:20,439 And not forgetting... 312 00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:25,352 - A pair of scissors? - This is the piéce de résistance. 313 00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:47,558 Frank Assisi and the Apostles. "Hymns in Rock". 314 00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:54,358 (CHOIR) # Kum ba yah, my Lord! # 315 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:02,840 Digestive biscuit. 316 00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:07,278 (SIZZLING) 317 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:11,754 (UNDOES ZIP) 318 00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:14,355 (SNIPPING) 319 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:46,073 The love assassin. Pow, pow, pow! 320 00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:50,272 (LAUGHTER) 321 00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:58,513 (LAUGHTER) 322 00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:02,753 What Mr Lister doesn't know, of course, is that he's been set up by Krytie TV. 323 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:08,597 Ssh. Here he comes now. 324 00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:13,107 - Mr Lister... - Kryten, is that you? 325 00:25:13,131 --> 00:25:16,957 You trashed that room because you believed Miss Kochanski was dating Tim, didn't you? 326 00:25:16,981 --> 00:25:18,679 - What, you mean she isn't? 327 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,400 Look whose quarters you really trashed! 328 00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:27,076 (LAUGHTER) 329 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:31,118 You said the girls had restored you back to normal?! 330 00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:33,590 Whoops! You've been Krytered! 331 00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:39,231 - I've wrecked Ackerman's quarters! - (SCREAMS) The appeal! 332 00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:43,751 The surprises haven't finished yet here on Krytie TV, 333 00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:47,879 because Mr Ackerman and his red-hot date are due back any second. 334 00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:51,192 Sir, it's a race against time! Start cleaning that room! 335 00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:53,351 (LAUGHTER) 336 00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:59,356 Sorry to keep droning on about this, but what about... 337 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:03,115 - (SCREAMS) ..the appeal?! - Smeg! 338 00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:12,792 Smeg! 339 00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:44,080 Agh! 340 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:56,991 (CHEERING) 341 00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:02,838 Thanks for watching, folks. See ya next time! 342 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:05,719 - There he is. - Kryten, come here a minute. 343 00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:10,113 - I was just trying to boost the ratings, sir. - Get him, and get him back to the Tank! 344 00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:14,114 - It was nothing personal! - (CHEERING) 345 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:22,191 The appeal. 346 00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:26,989 Oooh... 347 00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:29,515 Yes! 348 00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:33,632 "Dear Mr Lister, your appeal has been successful. 349 00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:37,236 "From this day, all inmates with no records of violence or depression 350 00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:41,109 "will be allowed... to have strings on their guitars." 351 00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:50,760 This appeal was all about guitar strings? 352 00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:54,959 You didn't think it was about getting out of here, did ya? 353 00:27:55,120 --> 00:28:00,240 You mean to day I've been busting my balls so you can have strings on your lousy, stinking guitar?! 354 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:02,391 You've been a brick, man. 355 00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:04,710 And as a personal thank you... 356 00:28:05,720 --> 00:28:08,280 ..I thought I'd write you a song. 357 00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:17,669 # It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere 358 00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:20,992 # I'm all alone, more or less 359 00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:24,198 # Let me fly far away from here 360 00:28:24,360 --> 00:28:27,113 # Fun, fun, fun 361 00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:30,671 # In the sun, sun, sun 362 00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:34,549 # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose 363 00:28:34,720 --> 00:28:37,599 # Drinking fresh mango juice 364 00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:41,071 # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes 365 00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:43,914 # Fun, fun, fun 366 00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:47,675 # In the sun, sun, sun 367 00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:50,639 # Fun, fun, fun 368 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:54,794 # In the sun, sun, sun #