1
00:00:04,560 --> 00:00:07,757
("RED DWARF" THEME)

2
00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:05,998
I understand you played an idiotic prank on
a senior and much-respected officer yesterday.

3
00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:13,356
That is just not true, sir. We played the prank on Mr Ackerman, sir... Oh, I see.

4
00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:15,113
What happened?

5
00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:20,309
We inserted a capsule of the truth serum
Sodium Pentothal into his asthma inhaler, sir.

6
00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:27,154
Which is why he rushed onto the bridge
this morning, apologised for being late,

7
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:31,632
saying he'd been having jiggy-jiggy
with the science officer's wife,

8
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:36,033
and hadn't allowed enough time
to change out of his Batman outfit.

9
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:40,398
Permission to snigger, sir.

10
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:43,039
Permission refused.

11
00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:46,079
May have to snigger anyway, sir.

12
00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:50,676
- Do either of you have anything to say?
- About what, sir?

13
00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:55,789
About Mr Ackerman. About him being late
and wearing a Batman outfit.

14
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,919
Has he considered being Tarzan?
Costume change would be much quicker.

15
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:08,235
You two are both serving a two-year sentence
in the brig. Do you wanna get out ever?

16
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:10,960
It's just that Mr Ackerman's so...

17
00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:14,150
...horrible, sir!

18
00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:16,391
I am not, sir!

19
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,197
I'm extremely nice!

20
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:21,476
Lovely, in fact.

21
00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:25,315
Warm, caring, but most of all, nice.

22
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:31,553
Hence my nickname - Nicey Ackerman.
That's why I entered the service, sir -

23
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:37,238
so I could share my sunny disposition with
inmate scum who didn't have my start in life.

24
00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:39,994
Sir, he's been horrible from the day we met him.

25
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,197
Today, we have a new intake.

26
00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:46,119
To them I say, obey the rules,

27
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:51,639
keep out of trouble, and your time here
will pass much more pleasantly.

28
00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:55,949
Welcome to Floor 13.

29
00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:58,758
He seems like a nice guy.

30
00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:08,673
If you want to speak, ask my permission.

31
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:12,356
- I was just saying how nice you seemed.
- You spoke again.

32
00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:18,516
I was paying you a compliment, buddy!

33
00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:23,800
I was saying you seemed to be a fair-minded
guy, not one of these psycho types.

34
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,439
You spoke again!

35
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,316
Come on. Back me up.

36
00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:32,790
Hang on. Wait. I get it. I'll should shut up.

37
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:35,110
I'll shut up, now stop hitting me!

38
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:42,113
That is definitely the key...

39
00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:51,432
- That is totally untrue, sir.
- Save it, save it, Mr Ackerman.

40
00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:56,595
I thought long and hard about a suitable
punishment and I've come up with this.

41
00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:58,558
You and a team of your choice

42
00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:02,759
will play basketball against a team of guards
led by Mr Ackerman.

43
00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,389
God bless you, sir.

44
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:11,918
Where you will be trounced and humiliated
in front of the entire inmate population.

45
00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:15,675
But sir, if we lose, Baxter and his cronies
will beat us to a pulp.

46
00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:17,274
You'd better win, then.

47
00:04:20,416 --> 00:04:21,416
Aargh!!!

48
00:04:31,416 --> 00:04:32,936
[ELECTRIC SPARKING]

49
00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:43,031
Here, guys. Way to go!

50
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,312
- Where were you?
- Where was I?!?

51
00:04:45,336 --> 00:04:48,718
- You were supposed to be picking up Rice.
- I did. We're meeting for drinks on Thursday.

52
00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:54,717
- Not that kind of picking up, you ninny!
- Buddies, we gotta stop arguing. We can't lose this.

53
00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:58,816
- We've got it all taken care of.
- As soon as the guards swig their half-time juice.

54
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,263
Yeah, the Skutter's managed to smuggle
something out of the medi lab for us.

55
00:05:01,287 --> 00:05:03,710
You know that stuff that helps impotent
guys put the zest back in their love life?

56
00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:09,559
- Boing, the virility enhancement drug?
- That's the stuff. We've Mickey Finned their drinks.

57
00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:15,272
Within seconds, you're harder than a quadratic
equation... And it doesn't wear off for seven hours.

58
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:19,716
For seven hours those guys are going to be like catapults!
That's going to seriously slow them down.

59
00:05:19,716 --> 00:05:20,772
(CAT) You're not kidding.

60
00:05:20,796 --> 00:05:23,876
Try moving fast with a
fishing pole in your pants!

61
00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:28,079
Get out there and kill. They're lambs to the slaughter.

62
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,958
Go on. Go get 'em!

63
00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:38,200
(WHISTLE)

64
00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:51,751
Come on. Get your hands up!

65
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:27,990
Get your hands on the ball and shoot!

66
00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:30,793
Seven hours...

67
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,554
Do you know how long that is?

68
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:37,998
I couldn't remove my shorts until after midnight.

69
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:43,392
When I wanted a leak, I had to do
a handstand on the toilet seat.

70
00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:49,190
I stopped the lift doors from closing -
I wasn't even catching a lift!

71
00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:51,636
- Where did you get it, the medi-lab?
- Yes, sir.

72
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:55,714
How? If it was one of those damn skutters,
I'm gonna have it crushed.

73
00:07:56,680 --> 00:08:01,675
It was me, sir, when the doc's back was turned.
I went to up to the medi lab for a sick note,

74
00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:06,238
but the doc said I was feigning illness and didn't
accept it was possible to have athlete's hand.

75
00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:10,955
First thing tomorrow,
you're on spud duty for two weeks.

76
00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:13,589
Now get out of my sight, both of youse.

77
00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:28,031
Hah!

78
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:37,999
- (LISTER SIGHS)
- Stuck?

79
00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:41,471
- Yeah. God, this is hard!
- What are you doing, a crossword?

80
00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:44,029
No, join the dots.

81
00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:49,896
- What number are you stuck on?
- 124.

82
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:51,679
124...

83
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:53,911
124...

84
00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:56,993
Have you tried 125?

85
00:08:57,160 --> 00:09:00,630
I know the number, you gimboid.
It's finding it that's the hard bit.

86
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,030
I'm not some brain-dead simpleton.

87
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,191
Ah, there it is.

88
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:10,158
Oh, look at that. It's a bucket and spade!

89
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,232
It's clever that, isn't it?

90
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,071
Ah, supper!

91
00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:29,160
Are we supposed to tip them? I'm never sure.

92
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:38,152
I've seen things more appetising
on the floors of elephant houses.

93
00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:41,551
Only a total idiot would eat this.

94
00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:49,400
They call this meat?

95
00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:54,714
My grandmother's buttocks deep-fried
in old chip fat would taste better than this.

96
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:57,190
We're on the punishment menu now.

97
00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:01,240
- No chips, no ice cream, just the basics.
- Because we're on punishment detail?

98
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:04,678
Yeah. Kill Crazy reckons they
give us the cloning experiments

99
00:10:04,702 --> 00:10:08,309
that have gone wrong with some
gravy slopped over to disguise it.

100
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:12,235
You waited until I was swallowing
til you said that, didn't you?

101
00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:16,152
He swears blind the other day he
got something with two noses in it.

102
00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:19,233
Of course he didn't.
They can't do that. It's illegal.

103
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:21,391
His starter sneezed.

104
00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:25,677
- Jimbo Steele was a witness.
- Kill Crazy's insane.

105
00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:30,231
He's got lots of strange ideas.
He reckons every time they flush a loo on a plane

106
00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:31,711
it drops straight out.

107
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:37,757
And that's why you can't go to the lav
when the plane's standing on the runway -

108
00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:39,911
for fear of skid starts.

109
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,960
- He's probably right.
- Of course he isn't.

110
00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:48,919
- Why else won't they let you go, then?
- I don't know.

111
00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:51,959
Maybe they're helping you break up your journey?

112
00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:56,671
If they let you go to the loo first off, you'd
have nothing to do after you'd eaten your cheese.

113
00:10:56,840 --> 00:11:01,914
Nah, Kill Crazy's probably right. That's why
houses on the flight path are always so cheap.

114
00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:09,037
- Because of all the flushing planes?
- Yeah, well think about it.

115
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:11,669
You can't sunbathe. You can't have a barbecue,

116
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:15,674
and you have to go out, you've got to
wear a washable hat and leg it to your car.

117
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:20,673
It's the noise. That's why houses on the flight path
are so cheap. 'Cause of the noise.

118
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,624
- The noise?
- Yeah.

119
00:11:22,648 --> 00:11:24,117
But they're half a mile up.

120
00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:27,750
You'd never be able to hear
people on the loo from that distance.

121
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:34,033
- Not unless they were like my Uncle Dan.
- Not eating?

122
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:36,191
Yeah, yeah. In a minute.

123
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:38,237
(TAPPING)

124
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:39,959
Yeah...

125
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:50,079
Ooh! Chicken vindaloo!

126
00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:53,112
Nice one, Bob!

127
00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:02,154
What about the poppadoms, you didn't forget about them, did you?

128
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:09,597
Poppadoms.

129
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:11,433
Here's a little something for you.

130
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:20,397
- Same time tomorrow.
- (SQUEAKY KISS)

131
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:29,277
Cheers.

132
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:42,634
Is that the skutter who got you the
stiffening solution for the basketball game?

133
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:45,030
Yeah, he can get anything, can Bob.

134
00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:49,276
- A claw in every pie!
- Tomorrow, we're on spud duty,

135
00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:53,513
and those knives are supposed to be
sharp as a chemistry teacher's cardigan.

136
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:58,354
Do you reckon he can get us a
couple of good potato peelers?

137
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:01,876
Hang on. I'm onto something here.

138
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:07,718
Forget the potato peelers. What we want is one of those
programmable viruses from the science block.

139
00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:09,871
Programmable what?

140
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:14,034
Yeah they used to be on Z-Deck. I wonder
if the Nanos have reconstructed them.

141
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:18,034
You can programme them
to do anything you want. Eat potato skins. You name it.

142
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:22,831
We could programme them to eat the skins
off the potatoes and leave the rest intact.

143
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:25,514
We wouldn't have to lift a finger.

144
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:29,071
Two weeks of hell
would become potato paradise.

145
00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:34,469
I'll get on the blower to Bob's missus.
She'll take a message.

146
00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:37,792
- Bob's got a missus?
- Yeah, Madge. She's amazing.

147
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:39,951
0 to 60 in under ten minutes.

148
00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:44,951
(RHYTHMIC TAPPING)

149
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:54,312
(RHYTHMIC TAPPING IN RESPONSE)

150
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:57,472
(RHYTHMIC TAPPING)

151
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,638
(SINGLE TAP IN RESPONSE)

152
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:07,070
(RHYTHMIC TAPPING)

153
00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:08,913
- (TWO TAPS)
- (TWO TAPS)

154
00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:12,516
(EXCHANGE OF RAPID TAPPING)

155
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,591
- (TWO TAPS)
- (THREE TAPS)

156
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:17,558
- Damn!
- Can't he help us?

157
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:20,234
No. Wrong number.

158
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:29,712
I got the Chinese laundry.

159
00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:33,909
Do you need anything ironing?

160
00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:02,799
Now, remember, two entire battalions went missing
from this ship. Vanished without trace.

161
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,713
We must stick together and remain constantly vigilant.

162
00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:09,510
One minute, everything's fine. Then you lose concentration for a split second,

163
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:13,799
and you're all alone and easy pickings
for some hostile life-form.

164
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:18,113
I know you think I'm a bit of a fusspot
when it comes to safety procedures,

165
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:21,716
but it's staying alert that has kept us all...

166
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:24,951
Kept us...

167
00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:28,314
(TINY VOICE) Hello?

168
00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:33,032
Oh, Creator! I'm on my own.

169
00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:36,834
Hey, buddy. We're in here.

170
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:44,671
What is the point of me giving my "Stay alert,
everyone" pep talk if no one is listening?

171
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:47,400
- What?
- Look at this.

172
00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:51,873
What are they, Hol?

173
00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:56,193
They look uncannily like something
you should be very, very afraid of.

174
00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,431
- What?
- Mime artists.

175
00:16:00,256 --> 00:16:04,832
The ones you get in trendy town centres that chase
you down the street and freeze when you look at them.

176
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:08,696
- And everyone laughs at you.
- I've never seen anything like this before.

177
00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:13,635
A group of men who display all the normal
life signs but seem totally incapable of movement.

178
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:16,997
Never seen QPR play away, then?

179
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,713
"Tempus." That's Latin for "time".

180
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:25,111
Latin, I didn't even know the Romans built spaceships...

181
00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:28,783
Somehow, this device appears
to have caused time to freeze.

182
00:16:28,807 --> 00:16:31,037
Obviously, they
used it erroneously.

183
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:35,993
Where did...

184
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:39,795
..you come from, and how did...

185
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,758
..you get hold of that?

186
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:46,433
It's some kind of tem...

187
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:47,920
..poral sto...

188
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:50,356
..rage unit.

189
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:51,840
Extraordinary!

190
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:55,709
Hey, this could be a great device
for settling arguments!

191
00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:57,200
Don't mess...

192
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:02,757
..with that thing. It can re...

193
00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:04,840
...ally screw...

194
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,957
..ew-ew-ew...

195
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:09,520
...you up.

196
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:14,356
It appears to be able to digitise time and then
download it and store it on a hard drive.

197
00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:18,195
This pure time can then be uploaded
into objects or places.

198
00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:20,874
- To freeze people?
- Technically, they're not frozen, ma'am.

199
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:25,830
- Merely operating in a different time stream.
- So you mean they're moving, just incredibly slowly?

200
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:29,914
About the same speed as the
average Little Chef waitress.

201
00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:34,357
That's why they don't appear
to be actually doing anything.

202
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:41,916
So this device has the ability to make time
come to a complete stop. What else can it do?

203
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:50,191
What's happened? Kryten, why are you so big,

204
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:54,149
and why do I suddenly feel like a Vimto?

205
00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:57,438
Wagh! You gotta get me back to normal!

206
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:02,596
Do something. I can't go back like this!

207
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:07,789
Why not? You may only be three feet tall,
but you're both as cute as buttons.

208
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:16,915
- What's happened to my hair?
- And what's happened to mine?

209
00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:21,438
You look like the Turkish entry
in the Eurovision Song Contest.

210
00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:27,150
It seems to have restored your hair to a previous
time period to the rest of you. Compensating...

211
00:18:32,136 --> 00:18:35,712
Now, it's regressed your outfits
to a previous time in your lives.

212
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:40,238
And you still look like the Turkish entry
in the Eurovision Song Contest.

213
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:46,033
So, here's a question. Can you unfreeze these guys

214
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:50,034
but take them back in time
so they have no memory of finding this?

215
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:53,989
- I think so, ma'am. Why?
- If we can smuggle this thing back on Red Dwarf,

216
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:56,879
it can make our prison terms pass in seconds.

217
00:18:57,040 --> 00:19:00,351
Leave this to me.
I have an excellent place to conceal it.

218
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:12,312
(SQUEAKS THEME
FROM "THE GREAT ESCAPE")

219
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:18,471
Nice one, Bob!

220
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:24,914
(CHOIR SINGS DRAMATIC
OPERA-TYPE THEME)

221
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:50,599
- It's not working, is it?
- Give it a bit of time to get going.

222
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:55,155
Look... Look.

223
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,396
- It's working on this one.
- Yes!

224
00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:02,155
- And here's another. And another.
- Yes!

225
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:04,880
And another! Fan-smegging-tastic.

226
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:08,749
Listie, we're on our way. They're gonna do
the whole damn room in minutes!

227
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:11,852
- Hey, what's happened to your sleeve, man?
- What?

228
00:20:11,876 --> 00:20:15,838
- Your sleeve. I've not noticed that before.
- My God! They're eating my clothes.

229
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,559
(LAUGHS)

230
00:20:25,896 --> 00:20:27,696
(LISTER CONTINUES LAUGHING)

231
00:20:32,636 --> 00:20:34,036
What?!

232
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:57,838
Well?

233
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:01,353
It wasn't me, sir, it was him. He made me do it.

234
00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:03,989
You Judas! I thought we'd agreed to refuse to talk.

235
00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:06,834
Just let me blame you first, then I'll refuse to talk.

236
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:10,997
If I ever, ever see you in this office again,

237
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:13,993
then you're in the hole. Is that what you want?

238
00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:17,152
- (BOTH) No, sir.
- Well, then. Get out.

239
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:20,278
Thank you, sir. Thank you.

240
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:30,789
You haven't been down to the medi bay
to get this virus off, have you?

241
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:33,824
I probably shouldn't have shaken your hand,
sir. That was probably a mistake.

242
00:21:33,848 --> 00:21:34,794
Big mistake, sir.

243
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:37,679
- I, erm... we'll be going, sir.
- Right now.

244
00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:41,313
That's it!

245
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:43,200
Two months

246
00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:44,998
in the hole!

247
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:47,834
Sir, what about me athlete's hand?

248
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:49,752
Now!

249
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:58,670
(KRYTEN) Straight after lunch, we zap the ship
with a two-year download of time.

250
00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:02,390
And the records will show that we've served
our sentences and are free to be released.

251
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:04,233
This machine's amazing!

252
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:08,189
Do you think it could do boob jobs, too?
Obviously, I'm just thinking about the future.

253
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,792
- You spilt my soup.
- Sorry, Baxter, non-bud.

254
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:14,951
It was an accident.

255
00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:18,680
Hot Bovril.

256
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:22,478
Agh!

257
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:36,834
Grr!

258
00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:43,153
Look at him. The big lug.
I'd hate to clean the bath out after him.

259
00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:48,156
You'd need a sander to get rid of the tide mark
and a leaf vac to hoover the hair.

260
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:51,596
Fix him. Fix him with the Time Wand.

261
00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:53,114
Watch this.

262
00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:03,478
(LAUGHS)

263
00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:26,476
- Hello?
- Hey... there's someone in here with us!

264
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,154
Yeah, it's that bloke sitting next to you.

265
00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:33,432
- Who are you? What's your name?
- They call me Birdman.

266
00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:35,159
Oh, aye, why's that?

267
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:39,200
Because he really likes instant custard (!)
why do you think?

268
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:41,952
- This is Pete.
- (PETE SNEEZES)

269
00:23:41,976 --> 00:23:46,754
He's nine years old, which in sparrow years is...

270
00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:49,434
..nine years old.

271
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:51,750
So, that makes him, er...

272
00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:54,393
Nine?

273
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:57,279
Nine! That's right! You met him before, have you?

274
00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:00,949
Two months of this! God!

275
00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:03,430
(WELDING, GRINDING NOISES)

276
00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:06,360
What's this?

277
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:13,270
(SQUEAKING "GREAT ESCAPE" THEME)

278
00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:26,593
(RIMMER) What happened to everyone?
(LISTER) It's like, they're all frozen on the spot.

279
00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:31,238
Yvonne McGruder went like this
when I tried to kiss her.

280
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:33,789
Hey, this'll drive them crazy!

281
00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:50,092
- (KRIS) Hey!
- Guys!

282
00:24:50,116 --> 00:24:51,116
- (KRIS) Hey, Hey!
- (KRYTEN) Ah, sirs!

283
00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:54,357
- Buddies!
- This is Birdman.

284
00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:55,999
- And this is Pete.
- (PETE SNEEZES AGAIN)

285
00:24:56,160 --> 00:25:00,393
We found this machine that can digitise time.
And we can release jets of it.

286
00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:03,359
And we reckon it can make our
sentence pass in a nano second.

287
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:05,431
Hats off, sirs.

288
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:11,156
- There's something wrong with Pete.
- What?

289
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:13,357
He's gone all stiff!

290
00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:16,592
He must have drunk the guards' half-time juice.

291
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:18,910
Not that kind of stiff. He's dead.

292
00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:22,872
The excitement of being free has killed him!

293
00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:27,352
He really loved that bird.
It was the only thing that kept him going.

294
00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:31,675
I can't guarantee anything, sirs, but I think
the Time Wand could bring Pete back to life.

295
00:25:31,699 --> 00:25:33,232
Make him young and strong again.

296
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:34,879
Watch.

297
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:49,517
(ROAR)

298
00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:51,910
- Holy...
- ..smeg!

299
00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:56,119
(ROAR)

300
00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:59,477
Where the hell did Barney's ugly brother
come from?

301
00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:04,229
From Pete, sir. Birds are descended
from dinosaurs, from the Theropod family.

302
00:26:04,253 --> 00:26:07,355
I inadvertently reversed
evolution several million years.

303
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:17,237
There's an old Cat saying that has particular relevance here.
It goes something like this -

304
00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:20,995
We are all gonna die!

305
00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:23,629
Pete? Is that you, Pete?

306
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:25,760
Birdman!

307
00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:32,519
(SNEEZES)

308
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:36,439
Gesundheit.

309
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:40,072
You want some seed?

310
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:44,679
That's a no, then, is it?

311
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:48,959
What now, sir?

312
00:26:49,120 --> 00:26:51,794
Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!

313
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:58,196
(POUNDING FOOTSTEPS)

314
00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:13,475
# It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere

315
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:16,758
# I'm all alone, more or less

316
00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:20,038
# Let me fly far away from here

317
00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:22,953
# Fun, fun, fun

318
00:27:23,120 --> 00:27:26,875
# In the sun, sun, sun

319
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:30,271
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

320
00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:33,432
# Drinking fresh mango juice

321
00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:36,877
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

322
00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:39,759
# Fun, fun, fun

323
00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:43,515
# In the sun, sun, sun

324
00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:46,479
# Fun, fun, fun

325
00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:50,554
# In the sun, sun, sun #