1
00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:44,992
No way will this work.

2
00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:48,471
I'll probably end up with your head
or someone else's legs.

3
00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:52,190
Something always goes wrong.
I'm not building my hopes up.

4
00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:54,719
And we begin.

5
00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:56,632
(SWITCHES MACHINE ON)

6
00:00:58,440 --> 00:01:01,876
-Have you found any dirt on her yet?
-Her character is flawless, sir.

7
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:03,109
Damn!

8
00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:05,760
And if her character is flawless,
that means...

9
00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:07,035
I know.

10
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:09,191
I'll have to frame her.

11
00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,516
-No, sir. I meant...
-Mmm.

12
00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:13,389
Is working.

13
00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:14,879
Now if calculations correct,

14
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:16,189
portal should

15
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:19,399
open now.

16
00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:28,559
It's working!

17
00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:37,717
Something is not right.

18
00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:41,917
Saying we don't exist.

19
00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:44,871
How can this be possible?

20
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:51,670
Taking us to nearest valid reality.
Makes no sense.

21
00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:53,599
What size is this?

22
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:57,992
This baby's 50 inches of full,
crotch throbbing pixel power.

23
00:01:58,080 --> 00:01:59,559
I like it!

24
00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:03,109
Too big. It's only for the bedroom.

25
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,719
How can our reality not exist?
It's crazy.

26
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:11,359
What about this one?

27
00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:12,839
I can't hold on much longer!

28
00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:18,839
Yes, something is very wrong.
Send Rimmer through first see if safe.

29
00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:20,035
What?

30
00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:21,949
Wait!

31
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,191
(SCREAMING) I said, wait!

32
00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:35,039
What was that?

33
00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:38,514
-Did you hear something smash?
-On TV.

34
00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:50,159
Can't hold on much longer!

35
00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:57,754
-MAN: What, is it HD ready?
-It's a version of HD ready, yeah.

36
00:02:58,400 --> 00:02:59,799
(SCREAMING)

37
00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:12,754
(GROANS)

38
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:33,110
Oh yeah!

39
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:35,153
(EXCLAIMS IN JOY)

40
00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:39,399
Where are we, Kryten?

41
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:42,711
Well, according to the Psi scan, sir,
we're in a department store in London

42
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:45,110
in the early part of the 21st century.

43
00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:47,157
The early part of the 21...

44
00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:51,393
Isn't that when all the banks
went belly up and money became useless?

45
00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:53,790
I've read about that in history.

46
00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:55,992
What a sound system, eh?

47
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,673
Sounds like you're in the room
with them.

48
00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:00,673
-Where are we, Kryten?
-Well, according to the Psi scans, sirs,

49
00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:02,956
-we're in a department store in London.
- (CHUCKLING) Red Dwarf.

50
00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:06,590
-Is this a new series?
-I don't really follow it myself.

51
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,554
Science fiction.

52
00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:10,677
It's all a bit bollocks really,
isn't it?

53
00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:13,957
That Psi scan thing.
Knows everything, doesn't it?

54
00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:17,832
Any bit of exposition,
just ask the Psi scan.

55
00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:21,998
How can it know everything?
Talk about rubbish.

56
00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:24,114
who's he Kryten?

57
00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:27,192
Well, according to the Psi scan, sir,
he's a pompous know-all,

58
00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:29,954
know-nothing idiot
called Mike Mellington,

59
00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:32,509
who incidentally has a very small penis.

60
00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:35,433
-How does the Psi scan know that?
-Well, it's scanned his e-mail, sir.

61
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:39,275
He's already onto his fourth tub
of penis enlargement cream.

62
00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:42,997
Hey buds, the porthole's closed.
We can't get back.

63
00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:44,793
What do you mean, get back? We are back!

64
00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:48,271
This is Earth, this is home.
And we've got rid of Kremlin Kate.

65
00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:50,431
Let's crack open the vodka.

66
00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,278
It is me or is everyone staring?

67
00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:00,193
Also they all seem to be
in smirk mode, sir.

68
00:05:00,280 --> 00:05:03,272
They're just laughing at your face,
Kryten. Nothing to worry about.

69
00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:06,591
Back in the 21st century,
they laughed at freaks all the time.

70
00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:08,671
They used to have TV shows
on Saturday nights

71
00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,229
where they'd get out all the freaks,
make them sing and dance

72
00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:15,234
and then point and laugh at them.
Simple people. Simple tastes.

73
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:25,679
(WHISPERING) Hey, hey.
What are these things?

74
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:29,594
They're Digital Versatile Discs, sir.
DVDs for short.

75
00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:33,913
They were very popular in the early part
of the 21st century before they died out

76
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,832
and were replaced with what we use now.

77
00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,672
-What, you mean videos?
-Precisely.

78
00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:41,116
Back then no-one knew that
the human race were utterly incapable

79
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:44,750
of putting the DVDs back in their cases.
Case in point.

80
00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:48,276
Over two trillion went missing
in just over 20 years.

81
00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:50,910
Videos are just too big to lose.

82
00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:54,834
(SCANNING)

83
00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:56,514
Sirs, look.

84
00:05:57,960 --> 00:05:59,997
Red Dwarf. This is us!

85
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:02,677
It's a TV series about us.

86
00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:05,878
It recounts all our adventures,
every single one of them.

87
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:07,712
How's this possible?

88
00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:12,718
We're characters from a TV series
who've somehow escaped the TV world,

89
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:15,354
into the real world.

90
00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:19,559
That explains why the dimension
cutter said our reality wasn't valid.

91
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:22,598
I'm not real.
I'm a character in a TV series.

92
00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:24,751
I'm not real. I'm not real.

93
00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:28,272
-That explains so much.
-I'm not real either.

94
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,518
Does that mean
I'm not really this good looking?

95
00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:36,117
Just typical of my luck, isn't it?

96
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:39,431
Just when things start to go right
it turns out that I'm...

97
00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:41,830
I'm not real. Fantastic!

98
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:45,238
Now sirs, we need clear heads
and equanimity.

99
00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:48,756
Naturally, it's extremely disturbing
to discover that we are just

100
00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:50,353
characters in a TV series.

101
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,717
And naturally there's going
to be a period of acclimatisation.

102
00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:57,316
But it's essential that we keep all this
in perspective.

103
00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:59,877
We're not real! What are we gonna do?

104
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:01,871
There, I think that's pretty much
put in it in perspective.

105
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,998
-Don't you, sirs?
-This is too weird for words.

106
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,111
Hey guys, look at this.

107
00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:14,232
Back to Earth.
That's the story we're in now.

108
00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:16,318
He's right. Look!

109
00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,077
There's no disc in it.

110
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:40,236
Coming soon, it's not out yet.

111
00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:44,391
Back to Earth takes place
after series 10.

112
00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:49,073
Kochanski's dead and the crew
are hurled through a portal

113
00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:52,596
and discover they're just characters
from a TV series.

114
00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:54,717
Knowing they will die
in the final episode.

115
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:55,835
Die?

116
00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,799
The Dwarfers, in best
Blade Runner tradition,

117
00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:02,113
track down their creators
to plead for more life.

118
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:03,952
-How are we gonna do that?
-Easy.

119
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:07,635
Hey buds, give us more life.
I'm pleading with you. See?

120
00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:12,678
First the crew attempt
to track down the actors...

121
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:17,397
actors who play them in the series
and their metaphysical odyssey begins.

122
00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:20,793
All my life I've wanted to go
on a metaphysical odyssey.

123
00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:23,156
For years I never thought
I'd get the chance.

124
00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:26,437
-So what happens next?
-Doesn't say, it's a three-parter.

125
00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:29,512
Oh, not a three-parter,
I hate three-parters.

126
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:32,310
What if I'm not in that night?

127
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:34,717
Say I'm busy? What if...

128
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:48,516
Oh, I'll tell you what,
the toilets here are medieval.

129
00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:53,200
-Bet you felt right at home then.
-Oh, there's no toilet paper.

130
00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:57,239
Don't use the stuff these days.
Like I said they're a simple people.

131
00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:58,594
They eat Spam.

132
00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:02,435
I mean there I am in the cubicle,
no paper, wondering what to do.

133
00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:07,037
I open the door and see this machine
on the wall which blows out hot air.

134
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:08,559
Then I twig.

135
00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:11,475
Tell you what,
they've got a different system here.

136
00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:13,198
Different system?

137
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,470
Yeah well, you've gotta wash yourself
in one of the sinks

138
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:18,313
and use the air machine to dry your bum.

139
00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:21,075
-And that's what you did?
-No choice.

140
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:23,390
And those air machines are really high.

141
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:26,711
It's like you're holding
your cheeks apart, jumping up and down,

142
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,791
trying to catch some breeze.

143
00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:30,871
I'll tell you something,
they're not friendly round here.

144
00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:34,316
Try and start a conversation
and no-one wants to know.

145
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,311
Where's Cat and Kryten?

146
00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:39,269
Gone to get some money.
Haven't got a bean between us.

147
00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:42,159
-Money? How are they gonna get money?
-Some second-hand shop.

148
00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:44,595
Kryten's gonna try and pawn his head.

149
00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:48,196
-And what about seeing?
-Gonna use his spare set of eyes.

150
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:51,272
-Hang them out of his neck hole.
-Oh that's a good look, isn't it?

151
00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:53,749
That's not gonna stand out at all.

152
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:55,877
-Hey!
-Any luck?

153
00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:58,676
They thought we were
from a hidden camera show, sir,

154
00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:00,273
and wouldn't take us seriously.

155
00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:03,671
We even offered to throw in
one of his legs. Still no deal.

156
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:05,398
How we gonna trace our creators?

157
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:08,393
We ain't got not wheels,
ain't got no dough.

158
00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:09,869
Money.

159
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:12,790
I know how we can get money.

160
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:21,999
How much we got?

161
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:25,960
We've got 15 combs, 2 mobile phones,
3 packets of gum,

162
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:30,432
2 condoms, 2 pairs of reading glasses
and 19 pieces of popcorn.

163
00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:34,475
I'm expecting to pull out Glenn Miller
or Shergar anytime.

164
00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:40,238
-What about the money?
-Yeah, so far we got £19 and 43 pence.

165
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:43,480
-Now what?
-Well, according to this

166
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:48,270
we get on the Tube and go to a science
fiction shop called They Walk Among Us.

167
00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:21,634
RIMMER: This is too weird for words.

168
00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:31,276
-CAT: Hey buds! Check this!
-KRYTEN: Look, that's me!

169
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,911
Look at that! And that!

170
00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:46,995
-Listening to music?
-No. Why?

171
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:52,233
(CLEARS THROAT) I was just wondering
if you could help us, we're erm...

172
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:55,119
We're trying to find the guys
involved in the making of a TV series

173
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:56,634
called Red Dwarf.

174
00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:59,473
Uh, we're trying to find out
if this is our last show or not.

175
00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:02,552
This is the weird bit like,
we're not the actors,

176
00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:03,835
we're the real characters.

177
00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:06,992
There was this kind of dimension thing
and...

178
00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:12,715
Dimension skid, was it?
Happens a lot this time of year.

179
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,791
One minute you're fine the next...

180
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:15,995
(MIMICKING A STORM)

181
00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:17,195
"Oh, where where where where"

182
00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:20,318
You're in a new dimension.
Gotta be so careful.

183
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:23,630
Thank God for that. He's insane.

184
00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:26,669
So you're after, like, cast info?

185
00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:29,513
Need some advice.

186
00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:32,672
I can't give you any numbers,
but I know a man who can.

187
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:35,195
EL Presidente of the Red Dwarf Fan Club.

188
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:38,830
Nothing that guy doesn't know
about the small rouge one.

189
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:41,709
-We've got a fan club?
-New guy just taken over.

190
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:44,918
Bit of a fanatic.
Changed his name to Reg Wharf.

191
00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:46,872
People have to call him Mr Wharf.

192
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:50,157
His sitting room looks
just like your sleeping quarters.

193
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:55,440
Got an H tattooed on his head.
He's not like us, he's a bit weird.

194
00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:58,994
Reg, dude. It's Noddy here.

195
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:02,069
Sorry to interrupt the Warhammer, mate.

196
00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:05,039
Uh, guess who I've got
standing in my shop?

197
00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:07,114
Go on, guess.

198
00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:08,910
No.

199
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:10,635
No.

200
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:12,550
No.

201
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:15,271
No. Who?

202
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:16,955
No.

203
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:19,270
No.

204
00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:21,597
Shall I tell you? No.

205
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:24,155
No.

206
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,875
Shall I tell you?
I'm gonna tell you anyway.

207
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:32,751
I've got standing in my shop
the real, actual crew from Red Dwarf.

208
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:37,396
Had a bit of a dimension skid.
Yeah, that's what I said.

209
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:42,719
Ah, well, they're trying to find out
how many shows they've got left.

210
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:45,952
Exactly. Need some numbers,
know you've got them.

211
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:48,320
What? Why?

212
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:50,469
(SIGHS)

213
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:54,230
Can't give out cast info.
Space Corps Directive 596.

214
00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:56,114
596?

215
00:13:56,320 --> 00:14:00,075
(CHUCKLING) Love it when he does this
and gets it all wrong.

216
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:02,879
596.

217
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,554
Space Corps Super Chimps
performing acts of indecency

218
00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:08,519
in zero gravity will lose
all banana privileges.

219
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:12,514
No, sir, the crew's files are
for the eyes of the Captain only.

220
00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:15,393
-Ah!
-So we're smegged?

221
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:17,719
What's that?

222
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:20,953
NODDY: That's Dave Lister's bath
from season 9.

223
00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:24,670
Best season ever if you ask me.
Awesome season. Best by miles.

224
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:26,831
You were in that.
Remember when Kryten ran in

225
00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:30,754
and told you that Kochanski had been
sucked out of an airlock?

226
00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:36,120
-Fish scale?
- (SNIFFING) Not fish.

227
00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:38,631
Could be a bit of poppadom.

228
00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:40,599
Who doesn't eat a curry in the bath?

229
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:45,072
Maybe its artificial snake scale
from the one the polymorph turned into.

230
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:46,755
Kryten.

231
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:50,756
It's got a licence number
and a prop maker's name, Swallow.

232
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:53,514
Hey, hey, I've seen that name here.

233
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,391
LISTER: Hey, here he is.

234
00:14:56,840 --> 00:15:00,959
Swallow & Cast waiting for taxis,
fan convention 2009.

235
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:04,998
Kryten, scan the photo
and beam it onto that TV.

236
00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:13,751
RIMMER: Uncrop.
Wait, what's that? Frame left.

237
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:17,596
-RIMMER: That card, zoom in.
-CAT: Swallow. Pick up 3:00.

238
00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:19,035
KRYTEN: Must be his taxi.

239
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:20,633
LISTER: Bet his address
is on the other side.

240
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:24,315
RIMMER: Pull out. Stop.
wait, I've got an idea, track in.

241
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:27,471
Stop. Enhance reflection.

242
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:31,472
Need a reflective surface
to get us back across the street.

243
00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:32,994
Zoom in. Pan right.

244
00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:35,720
See if there are any water droplets
on that lamp post.

245
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:38,030
Got one. Thanks Fido. Zoom 80.

246
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:42,590
Enhance reflection. Stop. Rotate 170.

247
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:44,474
Zoom 220.

248
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:47,910
-CAT: What's that?
-RIMMER: Flop.

249
00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:50,914
-KRYTEN: That's the taxi driver.
-LISTER: There's the business card.

250
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:54,755
RIMMER: Zoom 260. Rotate 90 degrees.

251
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:58,672
CAT: Track in.
Swallow's business address.

252
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,678
Sir, wouldn't it have been quicker
to look him up in the phone book?

253
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:05,229
Print me a 4 x 6
and any more remarks like that,

254
00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:08,358
I'll ask for an A3
out of your waste disposal.

255
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:12,358
Makes latex masks
for the film and TV industry.

256
00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:14,078
Specialising in noses.

257
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:16,720
Maybe we track him down,
he'll point us in the right direction.

258
00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:19,713
But sir, how are we gonna get there?
That's over 30 miles away.

259
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:21,757
I know. Holly Hop Drive.

260
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,192
ALL: Back on Red Dwarf.

261
00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:25,350
Uh.

262
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,671
-Matter Paddle.
-ALL: It's on the Dwarf.

263
00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:30,912
Time slides where you walk into
a photograph and...

264
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:32,877
ALL: It's back on the Red Dwarf. sir.

265
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,473
NODDY: Got it! Beam there.

266
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:37,837
-ALL: That's Star Trek, not us.
-KRYTEN: No, we don't do that, sir.

267
00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:40,116
All right if you've got
no teleportation systems

268
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,589
or anti-matter re-assemblers, no option.

269
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:44,000
You'll have to catch the bus.

270
00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:48,316
Neurotic. I'm not neurotic.

271
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:52,715
I've never been neurotic.
Neurotic. Neurotic!

272
00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:55,760
Are they insane? Who writes this stuff?

273
00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:58,036
I wasn't even neurotic when I was a kid.

274
00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:01,317
Didn't have time.
I was too busy washing my hands.

275
00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:08,754
Hilarious. In what way am I hilarious?

276
00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:11,912
Name one way in which I'm hilarious.
One, just one. One way.

277
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,673
Well, you're pompous
without reason, sir,

278
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:16,434
and you have hilariously unrealistic
life goals.

279
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:20,036
When I'm Lord of the Star Fleet, Kryten,
you'll pay for that remark.

280
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:22,873
Four for Lumpton Street bus depot
please.

281
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:25,991
LISTER: Hilariously unrealistic
life goals.

282
00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:28,594
That's true that, that's so true,
that's funny.

283
00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:32,116
-Where's first class?
-It's all first class, mate.

284
00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:34,880
Excellent. Looking forward to the
complimentary champagne

285
00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:36,234
and little towels.

286
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:39,790
Look, let's split up
so we don't look conspicuous, yeah?

287
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,477
The actress who plays her.

288
00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:51,034
Of course.

289
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,639
She's alive in this dimension,
isn't she?

290
00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:00,472
(CHILDREN WHISPERING)

291
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,956
You're Dave Lister, aren't you?

292
00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:11,949
-Yeah. How do you know?
-We watch it with Dad on Dave.

293
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:14,711
-Dave?
-The TV channel.

294
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:18,755
What's it like having a whole TV channel
named after you?

295
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:21,510
-A what?
-You're pretty cool.

296
00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:24,716
-Cool?
-You don't take any smeg.

297
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,120
That's cool.

298
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:30,194
And even though you're disgusting,
sometimes you're quite brave.

299
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,430
Are you sad about Kochanski?

300
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:43,274
We were sad, too. So was Dad.
Then we worked it out.

301
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:47,638
-Worked what out?
-She is not really dead.

302
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,074
You what?

303
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:51,310
Kryten was the only one
to see her die, right?

304
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:54,518
See her get sucked out
of the airlock. But she didn't.

305
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,955
-She didn't?
-Kryten made it up.

306
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,958
-why would he do that?
-You were a mess. Falling apart.

307
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:03,270
Drinking, being daft.

308
00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:05,829
She couldn't bear to stay
and watch you die.

309
00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:09,879
And you wouldn't listen
so she took a Blue Midget and legged it.

310
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:12,554
why would Kryten lie to me?

311
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:15,029
He was only trying to save
your feelings.

312
00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:18,272
So you wouldn't feel
like a big fat loser.

313
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:20,752
You've been dumped.

314
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:24,710
I was dumped once.
It was really horrible.

315
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:28,355
Dumped?

316
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:33,314
But that would mean...
That would mean she was still alive.

317
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,313
She is still alive. I bet you.

318
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,550
She's really good at guessing stuff.

319
00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:43,396
That DVD, Titanic, she knew that ship
would sink right from the start.

320
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,279
She could tell.

321
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:48,273
Even in that Bible film, she said,

322
00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:53,912
-Jesus, he's not dead, I bet ya.
-Next series try and find her.

323
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:57,198
-Get her back.
-And kiss her. I would.

324
00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:03,194
There isn't gonna be a next series.
I'm a fictional character.

325
00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:05,233
I don't exist.

326
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:08,438
I think you exist.

327
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:11,839
-I do, too.
-Hey, our stop.

328
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,676
Tell Rimmer he's a smeghead.

329
00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:22,110
Mmm.

330
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:24,999
You think you outsmart me, yes?
But you don't.

331
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:27,117
I here. Cut a second hole.

332
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:31,833
Science Officer. Excellent.
So pleased you've caught up with us.

333
00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:33,240
You gave me slip, I know.

334
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:36,039
You not want to be erased,
but you won't defeat me.

335
00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:38,589
-I too smart.
-Erase me?

336
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,157
I thought it was murder
to kill a hologram?

337
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,277
No. Hologram already dead.

338
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:46,719
Morally, ethically,
hologram killing fine.

339
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:50,474
Fair enough.

340
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:51,829
(GASPS)

341
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:59,032
-Come on, we haven't got all day.
-She didn't see that coming, did she?

342
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:00,429
I did.

343
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,994
CAT: Man, this is too weird for words.

344
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:05,991
Nose World, here it is.

345
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:12,120
Maker of latex masks for the TV industry
specialising in noses.

346
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:14,278
Didn't know I could read Chinese.

347
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:17,000
You really think this guy
will be able to help?

348
00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:19,356
He worked on the TV show,
we're all fictional characters in,

349
00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:21,351
he's got to know the address
of our creator.

350
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:22,714
Well, say he doesn't?

351
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:25,155
Well, at least you'll be able to
pick up a spare nose.

352
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:26,275
Ooh!

353
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:43,030
Hey. That's my coat.

354
00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:47,395
He's wearing my coat. Give me that!
Where'd you get my coat?

355
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:51,833
I get from Red Dwarf Costume Department.
End of series 9.

356
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:55,075
I steal many things, sell on eBay.

357
00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:59,631
I even steal car
from Red Dwarf fan club president.

358
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:03,074
why you here?

359
00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:06,029
Illogical. You should be inside TV.

360
00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:07,680
Questions.

361
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,873
Need answers. How many episodes
have we got left?

362
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:13,190
Is it true we're going to die?

363
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:15,677
I don't know that stuff.

364
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:18,156
I just do noses. Latex.

365
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:19,874
Who does know?

366
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,189
(SIGHS)

367
00:22:22,360 --> 00:22:26,274
Big Boss. He know everything.
He big genius.

368
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:30,915
He make your brain.
He make your brain, too.

369
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:34,598
-It was a Friday.
-How do we get to see him?

370
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:38,470
I know man who know where.

371
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:42,513
He know Big Boss. He know address.

372
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:47,959
Oh, so cold.

373
00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:51,195
You said before you stole a car.

374
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:53,995
Red Dwarf fan club president car.

375
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:59,717
You want to borrow? All legal.

376
00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:17,752
RIMMER: You can't be serious.

377
00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:19,553
CAT: We're not driving this.

378
00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:22,109
KRYTEN: Sirs, we'll be a laughing stock.

379
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:28,076
Well, beggars can't be choosers.

380
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:40,393
(VEHICLE HONKING)

381
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:18,759
# It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere

382
00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:22,276
# I'm all alone, more or less

383
00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:25,557
# Let me fly far away from here

384
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:28,439
# Fun, fun, fun

385
00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:31,797
# In the sun, sun, sun

386
00:24:32,120 --> 00:24:35,590
# I want to lie,
shipwrecked and comatose

387
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:38,911
# Drinking fresh mango juice

388
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:42,356
# Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes

389
00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:45,080
# Fun, fun, fun

390
00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:48,516
# In the sun, sun, sun

391
00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:51,754
# Fun, fun, fun

392
00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:55,834
# In the sun, sun, sun #