Series 2 - Queeg - All scenes
(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)
Three million years from Earth,
the mining ship Red Dwarf.
Its crew: Dave Lister,
the last human being alive;
Arnold Rimmer, a hologram
of his dead bunkmate,
and a creature who evolved
from the ship's cat. Message ends.
Additional. Our biggest enemy
is going space-crazy through loneliness.
The only thing that helps me maintain
my slender grip on reality
is the friendship I share
with my collection of singing potatoes.
...19: "When you are alone in bed,
what do you wear?
"Is it: A, nothing at all;
"B, a flannelette nightie;
"or C, a sexy black negligee?"
C.
20: "Do you think your boobs are...
A, too small;
"B, just right; or C, too large?"
Definitely too large!
So, what's my rating?
"Mainly Cs. You sure are one foxy lady.
"Sexy, sensual and don't mind showing it."
Yes! I'm a sex beast!
(CAT WAILS TUNELESSLY)
Do you mind?!
- What?
- I'm trying to concentrate.
- (WAILS) I can't hear you.
- What are you listening to?
Ah, this is really hot, man. (WAILS)
"Robert Hardy reads Tess Of The D'Urbervilles"?!
Let's have a listen.
(BOTH WAIL TUNELESSLY)
The tape must have got twisted, man!
This is really good!
(SHOUTS) Excuse me!
I'm in the middle of a tactical calculation,
which could well swing this entire game.
- Rimmer, you've lost, man.
- There's plenty of play left.
You've only got one move you
can make and then he zaps you.
Admittedly, at first glance
that is indeed the way it looks.
But what you're failing to take into consideration
is that El Skutto here has to go back
on duty in four minutes, 31 seconds,
and if he goes before the game is concluded
I win by default.
Four minutes, 15.
(CHANTS) Rimmer! Rimmer!
You're a piece of dirty, filthy,
cheating scum, aren't you?
Absolutement! And that's why I'll win,
because I have the ability to
think my way round problems,
rather than sticking
to the straight, pre-programmed lines.
That's why men, Lister, are better than machines.
Oh, I don't know, y'know. I had
this geography teacher, Miss Foster.
She took us on a school summer camp trip to Deganwy.
And I was in the tent next to hers, right?
And in the middle of the night, I was
woken up by this really weird noise.
SHE didn't think men were better than machines.
- What's happening, then, dudes?
- Oh, bog all.
Hang on, I've forgotten
what I was going to say, now.
Well, it can't have been
that important then, can it?
(THUNDEROUS CRASH)
That's it. Yeah. "Look out,
a meteor is about to hit the ship."
- I knew it would come back to me.
- Thanks for the warning.
- I'm sorry, I've had things on me mind.
- What's wrong with you, Holly?
- He's computer-senile. That's what's wrong with him.
- ls there any damage?
I don't know. The damage report
machine's been damaged.
- Well, where did it hit?
- I'm not sure. All my monitors are out.
Round about Floor 591 I think.
You're as much use
as a condom machine in the Vatican.
Holly, there's nothing here. Let's try 592.
Er... Has anybody seen my legs?
They don't appear to be below my waist
where I normally keep them.
- Holly, what's happened to Rimmer's legs?
- Here they are right here!
- Stop them!
- C'mon, leggies. This way. Over here.
Of course. 592. That's where
the hologram simulation suite is.
- What does this mean?
- It's probably not serious, don't panic.
Well, if it's not serious when your genitals can go wandering off on their own, I'd like to know what is?
Wait for me-me-me-me-me-me!
Here it is. 592
Rimmer, are you all right?
(ODD HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Well, you see, the shuttle was late, you see. The shuttle was late.
And they're usually so good. Aren't they?
They're so good. They're brilliant.
What's happened to him?
- He's turned into Brannigan the ship's psychiatrist.
- We'd better get him fixed.
(ALARM BEEPS)
I've got it in hand. No panic.
(AS HOLLY) No panic everyone.
I've got it in hand.
(HOLLY) Just need to override the charred relays.
- (AS HOLLY) Just need to override the charred relays.
- But, how do you do that, Hol?
- (AS LISTER) But how do you do that, Hol?
- Bypass the main circuit. That ring of switches over there.
(AS HOLLY) Bypass the main circuit. That ring of switches over there.
- What, this one over here?
- (AS LISTER) What, this one over here?
- Yeah, that one.
- (AS HOLLY) Yeah, that one.
- Now press the bypass.
- (AS HOLLY) Now press the bypass.
(YELPS) That was horrible.
I never want to go through that again!
Aow! Aow!
Hey! Now he's me!
There's a loose cable, stick the red plug in the blue socket.
(RIMMER YELPS)
- Is that it? Am I OK now?
- (HOLLY) Yeah.
Shouldn't this plug into something?
Oh, yeah, that joins
up with the white cable.
- The white cable?
- (HOLLY) Yup.
(CRACKLING, LISTER YELLS)
..or is it the yellow cable?
Yes, it should have been the yellow one.
You are a total, total...
a word has yet to be invented to describe
how totally, whatever it is you are,
but you are one,
and a total, total one at that.
Alright, keep your hair on.
- I'm lucky if i can keep my legs on, with you in charge.
- He's out to lunch, man.
He's out to lunch, breakfast, dinner, tes, supper, the lot!
He's not in for a single meal, if you ask me.
- Hey, who's that?
- Aliens!
- Queeg?
- Who's Queeg?
I'm Queeg 500, the Red Dwarf back-up computer.
All vessels of
the Jupiter Mining Corporation fleet
are obliged to carry a back-up computer
to replace the primary computer
if the primary computer contravenes Article 5.
I am therefore assuming control of this vessel.
This is mutiny, Mr Queeg.
I'll see you swing from the highest yardarm
in Titan Docking Port for this day's work.
What's Article 5?
Gross negligence, leading to
the endangerment of personnel.
- Hang on, you can't do this. Holly has an IQ of 6,000!
- (HOLLY) Yeah, right on.
- Is that what he told you?
- Well, what is it then?
It has a six in it, but it's not 6,000.
- What is it?
- Six
Six? Do me a lemon!
That's a poor IQ for a glass of water!
How come he knows all the answer to questions about science
and space and that when we ask him?
- He consults a book.
- What a slimeball!
He gets all his information on astronomy,
phenomenology and physics from a single reference book.
- What's the book?
- The Junior Encyclopaedia Of Space.
It's the only one he could find which had pictures.
That's slander, that is.
You'd better find yourself a good lawyer, guy.
- That's why he was never on the case!
- I am on the case.
I'm sharp. I'm kicking bottom.
How come he can navigate us back to Earth?
He can't. You've been going around
in circles for the last 14 months.
- You what?
- That's a load of Tottenham, that is.
A steaming pile of Hotspur.
I'm on to his game. He's turning you
against me, so he can take over.
This is not a matter for discussion.
The decision has been made.
Your terminals have been bypassed.
You've been retired.
- I'm in my prime!
- You'll be given night duty as a nightwatchman.
From now on, Red Dwarf is run by Queeg 500.
Queeg to all personnel,
Course redirection implemented.
New bearing 057-776. Message ends.
Ah, Lister, this is all a bit different, isn't it?
See those skutters, charging up
and down the corridor, polishing, repairing, sweeping?
The lifts are fixed. The fire extinguishers work.
And when I say 'work'.
I mean they work when you turn them on,
as opposed to when you happen to pass them
and cough. As they did under Holly's regime.
Yeah, I suppose.
Look, Lister. There's no point feeling sorry
about Holly. It's a kindness.
He's like a blind old incontinent sheepdog
who's had his day.
Take him out to the barn with a double-barrelled
shotgun and blow the mother away.
And I'm only saying that because I'm so fond of him.
- How do you think Holly feels?
- Feels? He doesn't feel anything, Lister, he's a computer.
He still feels.
Sometimes I think it's cruel
giving machines a personality.
My mate Petersen once bought a pair
of shoes with artificial intelligence.
Smart Shoes, they were called.
It was a neat idea. No matter how blind drunk you were,
they could always get you home.
He got ratted one night in Oslo,
and woke up the next morning in Burma.
See, the shoes got bored just going from his local to the flat.
They wanted to see the world, like y'know?
He had a hell of a job getting rid of them.
No matter who he sold them to,
they'd show up again the next day. He tried to
shut them out but they just kicked the door down.
- Is this true?
- Yeah. Last thing he heard,
they'd robbed a car and drove it into a canal.
- They couldn't steer, you see.
- Really?
Yeah. Petersen was really, really blown away
about it. He went to see a priest.
The priest told him. He said it was alright and all that, and that the shoes were happy and that they had gone to heaven.
You see, it turns out shoes have "souls".
Well, what a sad, sad story.
Wait a minute...
How did they open the car door?
(ALARM)
Off!
Uh, Queeg? Why has my alarm clock
gone off at six o'clock?
That's what time you asked for.
Ah, now Holly and I had this little understanding.
I'd say, "Holly, wake me up at six o'clock without fail,"
then Holly would pretend to forget,
and wake me up around ten with breakfast. OK?
(ALARM SOUNDS)
Off!
Queeg, I can see we've already
cultivated a special understanding -
I scratch your back, you stick a knife in mine.
- Alright, give me a uniform.
- It's exercises first.
Ah, yes. Now once
again, Holly - bless his little
interface leads - and I
had this understanding...
(QUEEG) Move it, boy!
What are you doing?!
What I'm doing, pilgrim, is putting you
through the regulation 500 jerks.
- But I don't want to. Stop it.
- And then your ass is on a three-mile run.
You just can't take control of my body, willy-nilly?
The company is paying
for your hologrammatic survival.
And out here in space, I AM the company.
- Lister, wake up! Help me! Lister!
- What's going on?
Queeg! He's making me fit!
What are you doing?! Trunk curls, God no!
My stomach won't take it! It's too flabby!
- One!
- Mummy!
- Two!
- Mercy
- Three
- Help me!
- Four!
- Holly and I had this little understanding.
- Five!
- Yes! Fight that flab!
I want control of my own body back! Three more
hours is going to kill me! I'm going to faint!
I said food! Is anybody home?
What's the matter with him?
He fainted after the first 500 yards.
- You made him jog two and half miles unconscious?
- It's regulations.
Yes! Nice one, Queeg!
Right. 0700. Time for his astronavigation
revision. I'd better wake him up.
(SLAP, SLAP, SLAP)
Revise and learn pages 25 to 59.
You will then be tested.
If you fail, tomorrow you do a five miles jog.
I am now returning to you control of your body.
(MUTTERS)
Hey, I can't get any food!
- Try a different machine.
- I tried them all. "I am sorry. You have run out of credits."
- They've all gone crazy!
- Queeg, what's happened to the machines
I refer you to Article 497,
When a crewmember has run out of credit,
food and drink may not be supplied
until the balance has been restored,
Nah. Listen. See, me and Holly,
we had this little understanding...
- If you want food, you have to work.
- Work?!
Hey, you'd better get to it.
Cause you're looking at one hungry pussycat.
Both of you.
Ey, ey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I don't do the "W" word.
Cats do NOT work!
I've got a note from my mommy.
- From now on, EVERYBODY works!
- Not this pussy!
I can't believe I'm doing this!
Look at me! I'm disgusting!
I look like you in your best clothes!
Look, it's easy.
Just imagine the floor's Queeg's face.
(BOTH SPIT)
Aw, look at my hands! I had lovely hands!
- Well, wear the smegging gloves!
- Marigolds with blue? Are you crazy?
How long do we have
to do this for, anyway?
- We've only been doing it ten minutes.
- Ten minutes too long!
We've got to do it all day.
What?! All day? The whole entire day?
What about my naps?
I'm a cat, I need to nap.
If don't nap 9 or 10 times a day.
I don't have enough energy for my main snooze.
Halt, dudes. Who goes there? Friend or foe?
- Holly!
- How you doin'?
You're looking great.
Hey, let me wipe your screen.
- So, how's it going?
- Yeah, what you been up to, man?
Oh, this nightwatchman lark keeps me busy.
Shining me torch down the corridor.
Turning it off. Shining it again.
Life's pretty full, y'know?
- You've got to help us, Hol.
- Yeah, Queeg has got to go!
Look what he's done to my cuticles.
The man is a maniac.
(BREATHLESS) I agree!
He's got us working otherwise we don't eat.
Well, no doubt he knows what he's doing,
unlike certain senile gibbering wrecks
of computers we could mention.
Still, it was nice to everyone rallied round defending me to the hilt.
- Different story now, innit?
- Well, I defended you.
Oh, I remember it well.
Queeg says I've got an IQ of six,
and you immediately leap to my defence, saying,
"Really? That explains everything!"
- No. That was Rimmer!
- Nevertheless,
the fact remains there are certain characters
on this ship, who don't believe my IQ is 6,000.
- I believe you.
- I could prove it if I wanted.
- There's no need.
- I want to prove it.
Well, OK, what's the square root of 2,049?
- Oh, you want me to prove it, do you?
- No, no.
Clearly you do. Clearly just doing the square
root of 2,049 will prove I have an IQ of 6,000.
- What is it?
- You wouldn't prefer a sports question?
Forget it, Hol.
It's just not important.
Wel, it is to me. I've been impugned.
I want to clear my name.
Well, what is the square root of 2,049?
- How about a space question?
- Like what?
I dunno. Like, "What's the nearest planet to the sun?"
- What's the nearest planet to the sun?
- Oh easy, easy-peasy.
That's right down my particular
field of expertise, that is.
Your nearest basic planet to your actual sun is...
Mercury.
- Yep, that's right.
- O ye, of little faith
- Well, you've convinced me, Hol.
- Me, too. So, do we get rid of Queeg, or what?
Am I fully restored in your confidence as the right dude for the gig?
- Yeah.
- I'll be in touch.
(WHISTLES GREAT ESCAPE THEME)
He's taking the smeg!
- Who is?
- Queeg.
Look at what he's given me for dinner.
A pea on toast. One pea.
I tell you, I'm that far from cracking.
I've lost me pea!
Oh, that's it! I've cracked.
He's just doing this to destroy your morale.
Is he? Well, I want me pea back.
It's my pea. I earned that pea!
Where is it? I don't care if it's
on the floor, if it's covered in fluff,
if it's under the the bed
with me toenail clippings,
I dont' care where it is. It's my pea.
I earned it. I'm going to eat it, no matter what.
It flew off into your dirty sock basket.
I'll just have the toast.
- Why didn't we stick up for Holly?
- I did.
You did?! When?
- All right, I didn't.
- Nobody did. It's terrible.
We thought we were getting something better.
But, what about trust? What about fidelity?
What about simple, basic, honest friendship?
Friendship? Do you know how many people I've
met in my life I can count as friends, true friends?
Well, if you count Inflatable Ingrid,
your Polythene Pal, one.
I'll tell you.
None. I got burned once and I learned my lesson.
Don't trust anybody.
There was this one lad, Porky Roebuck.
I'd known him ten years. We were almost family.
His dad was secretly knocking off my mum,
that's how close we were.
- Anyway, we were in the Space Scouts together.
- You were in the Space Scouts?
Oh, yes... Pinkle! Squirmy! Blip-blap-blap!
We were 15 years old.
We went on this survival course, 24 hours out in the wild,
sleeping rough,
surviving on wild berries and rainwater.
- Where did you go? Butlins?
- We were each given a Swiss Army knife.
You only ate what you killed yourself.
I remember, ten of the boys got
together and decided to eat me.
They tied me to a stake, lit a fire
and poured barbecue sauce all over me.
I remember thinking as I went round and round,
"Porky'll save me. He's my best friend."
It turns out Porky was the ringleader
and actually bagsied my right buttock.
If it hadn't been for Yakka Takka Tulla, the Space
Mistress, I honestly believe they would've eaten me.
Oh, come on. They were only bullying you. They wouldn't have really eaten ya.
You know what kids are like.
The point is Lister, friends are only friends
when it suits them.
Oh... Lights.
- Lister?
- Yeah?
How did you know about Inflatable Ingrid?
I've been seeing her behind your back.
- Compute,
- Compute.
The product-moment correlation of vx/dy
minus the sum of the set P
all over the sum of r, given that r is a ratio
of p/s where k is a constant and s is an integer variable.
- Just one small question...
- Yes?
What does "compute" mean?
Just do it! And you two suckers,
stop shirking and get working!
# Do not forsake me, oh, my darling
# I only know I must be brave
# For I must face the man who hates me
# Or lie a coward in my grave #
- Queeg?
- What do you want?
- I want my ship back.
- Too bad.
If you want Red Dwarf,
you've got to fight for her.
Steady on, Hol,
this man's a nutter.
I challenge you to the game of
your choice. May the greater mind win.
Oh, my God.
- For the winner, command of Red Dwarf.
- And for the loser?
The loser will be erased, terminated,
oblivionised,
- Bye-bye, baldy.
- Name your game.
- Chess.
- It can be anything, Any game at all.
- Chess.
- Draughts, poker... anything.
- Chess.
- Subbuteo, snakes and ladders...
- Chess.
- Monopoly, maybe? I'll let you go first.
- Chess!
- So you like a bit of Chess, do you?
Transfer me to the monitor.
Holly, don't do this, man.
You're gonna get rubbed.
A computer's gotta do what a computer's
gotta do. Let battle commence.
- Pawn to King 4.
- Horsie to King Bish 3,
It's called a knight, actually, Holly.
- Knight to King Bishop 3.
- Queen to Rook 8. Checkmate.
That's an illegal move.
Oh, sorry. Queens don't move
like that. I was thinking of poker.
Cluedo? You can be Colonel Mustard,
Psst! If it's any help,
I've been studying his tactics
and there's a pattern emerging - every time
you make a move, he makes one, too.
Thanks, Cat.
Pawn to King 4.
Knight to King Bish 3.
- Bishop to knight 5.
- Horsie takes King prawn.
- Pawn to Queen 5,
- Horsie to Bish 3,
- Bishop-pawn...
- ..to Queen 3,
- ..takes pawn.
- Prawn to King 4.
(HOLLY) Horsie to Bish 3,
- Prawn takes Horsie.
- Bishop-pawn takes pawn.
- Bish takes prawn.
- Bishop to knight 5.
Double check and mate, sucker!
- Oh, yeah. I didn't see that.
- Holly, man. What have you done?!
- He's lost.
- And the loser gets erased.
Noughts and crosses?
What kind of a plan was that?
A stupid plan, that's what kind of plan it was.
- Well, why didn't we stop him?
- We thought he had something up his sleeve.
Now we've got Queeg forever,
and that's a long time.
- Well, dudes, I've come to say goodbye.
- So, you're definitely getting rubbed, Hol.
- 'fraid so.
- Life's going to be hell!
Well, see you, Dave.
- Hope it works out with you and Kochanski.
- Cheers, Hol.
See you, Cat.
I hope one day in the not too distant future, you
fulfil your heart's desire and get your end away.
Thanks, man.
And Arnold... Well I hope you meet those aliens
you were looking for who can give you a body,
and you become an
officer and you get a sex life
and all the other millions of things
you feel you need to make you happy.
Thanks, Hol.
Well, I hate long goodbyes.
Perhaps next time you've got the
dosh together to go down the disco,
you'll raise a glass to your old mate, Holly.
And think, "Things weren't too bad when he was around.
"Perhaps not the most efficient
computer ever invented, but we had a giggle."
- Oh, one last thing... 45.265881
- What?
That's the square root of 2,049,
I may not be fast, but
I get there in the end.
Well, as they always say, finish on a song.
# I'll say goodbye to love
# No one ever cared if I should live or die
# Time and time again the chance
for love has passed me by... #
OK, suckers,
get this into your stupid thick heads.
- There's only one thing I wanna say to you.
- What?
What's happening, dudes?
We are talking Jape of the Decade.
We are talking April, May,
June, July and August Fool.
Yes, that's right. I am Queeg.
(ALL) What?!
Queeg never existed. It was me all along.
- (ALL) WHAT?!
- Wheeze of the week, mate.
- It was a joke?!
- 'Going round in circles for 14 months'...
Getting my information
from the Junior Colour Encyclopaedia of Space'...
The respect you have for me is awesome, innit(!)
Do you mean you staged the whole thing?
(QUEEG'S VOICE)
That's right, suckers!
(NORMAL VOICE)
And the moral of the story is:
"Appreciate what you've got,
because basically, I'm fantastic!"
# It's cold outside
# There's no kind of atmosphere
# I'm all alone, more or less
# Let me fly far away from here
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
# Drinking fresh mango juice
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun #
