Smega-Drive
by Ganymede & Titan
Series 2 - Queeg - All scenes
(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)
Three million years from Earth,
the mining ship Red Dwarf.
Its crew: Dave Lister,
the last human being alive;
Arnold Rimmer, a hologram
of his dead bunkmate,
and a creature who evolved
from the ship's cat. Message ends.
Additional. Our biggest enemy
is going space-crazy through loneliness.
The only thing that helps me maintain
my slender grip on reality
is the friendship I share
with my collection of singing potatoes.
...19: "When you are alone in bed,
what do you wear?
"Is it: A, nothing at all;
"B, a flannelette nightie;
"or C, a sexy black negligee?"
C.
20: "Do you think your boobs are...
A, too small;
"B, just right; or C, too large?"
Definitely too large!
So, what's my rating?
"Mainly Cs. You sure are one foxy lady.
"Sexy, sensual and don't mind showing it."
Yes! I'm a sex beast!
(CAT WAILS TUNELESSLY)
Do you mind?!
- What?
- I'm trying to concentrate.
- (WAILS) I can't hear you.
- What are you listening to?
Ah, this is really hot, man. (WAILS)
"Robert Hardy reads Tess Of The D'Urbervilles"?!
Let's have a listen.
(BOTH WAIL TUNELESSLY)
The tape must have got twisted, man!
This is really good!
(SHOUTS) Excuse me!
I'm in the middle of a tactical calculation,
which could well swing this entire game.
- Rimmer, you've lost, man.
- There's plenty of play left.
You've only got one move you
can make and then he zaps you.
Admittedly, at first glance
that is indeed the way it looks.
But what you're failing to take into consideration
is that El Skutto here has to go back
on duty in four minutes, 31 seconds,
and if he goes before the game is concluded
I win by default.
Four minutes, 15.
(CHANTS) Rimmer! Rimmer!
You're a piece of dirty, filthy,
cheating scum, aren't you?
Absolutement! And that's why I'll win,
because I have the ability to
think my way round problems,
rather than sticking
to the straight, pre-programmed lines.
That's why men, Lister, are better than machines.
Oh, I don't know, y'know. I had
this geography teacher, Miss Foster.
She took us on a school summer camp trip to Deganwy.
And I was in the tent next to hers, right?
And in the middle of the night, I was
woken up by this really weird noise.
SHE didn't think men were better than machines.
- What's happening, then, dudes?
- Oh, bog all.
Hang on, I've forgotten
what I was going to say, now.
Well, it can't have been
that important then, can it?
(THUNDEROUS CRASH)
That's it. Yeah. "Look out,
a meteor is about to hit the ship."
- I knew it would come back to me.
- Thanks for the warning.
- I'm sorry, I've had things on me mind.
- What's wrong with you, Holly?
- He's computer-senile. That's what's wrong with him.
- ls there any damage?
I don't know. The damage report
machine's been damaged.
- Well, where did it hit?
- I'm not sure. All my monitors are out.
Round about Floor 591 I think.
You're as much use
as a condom machine in the Vatican.
Holly, there's nothing here. Let's try 592.
Er... Has anybody seen my legs?
They don't appear to be below my waist
where I normally keep them.
- Holly, what's happened to Rimmer's legs?
- Here they are right here!
- Stop them!
- C'mon, leggies. This way. Over here.
Of course. 592. That's where
the hologram simulation suite is.
- What does this mean?
- It's probably not serious, don't panic.
Well, if it's not serious when your genitals can go wandering off on their own, I'd like to know what is?
Wait for me-me-me-me-me-me!
Here it is. 592
Rimmer, are you all right?
(ODD HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Well, you see, the shuttle was late, you see. The shuttle was late.
And they're usually so good. Aren't they?
They're so good. They're brilliant.
What's happened to him?
- He's turned into Brannigan the ship's psychiatrist.
- We'd better get him fixed.
(ALARM BEEPS)
I've got it in hand. No panic.
(AS HOLLY) No panic everyone.
I've got it in hand.
(HOLLY) Just need to override the charred relays.
- (AS HOLLY) Just need to override the charred relays.
- But, how do you do that, Hol?
- (AS LISTER) But how do you do that, Hol?
- Bypass the main circuit. That ring of switches over there.
(AS HOLLY) Bypass the main circuit. That ring of switches over there.
- What, this one over here?
- (AS LISTER) What, this one over here?
- Yeah, that one.
- (AS HOLLY) Yeah, that one.
- Now press the bypass.
- (AS HOLLY) Now press the bypass.
(YELPS) That was horrible.
I never want to go through that again!
Aow! Aow!
Hey! Now he's me!
There's a loose cable, stick the red plug in the blue socket.
(RIMMER YELPS)
- Is that it? Am I OK now?
- (HOLLY) Yeah.
Shouldn't this plug into something?
Oh, yeah, that joins
up with the white cable.
- The white cable?
- (HOLLY) Yup.
(CRACKLING, LISTER YELLS)
..or is it the yellow cable?
Yes, it should have been the yellow one.
You are a total, total...
a word has yet to be invented to describe
how totally, whatever it is you are,
but you are one,
and a total, total one at that.
Alright, keep your hair on.
- I'm lucky if i can keep my legs on, with you in charge.
- He's out to lunch, man.
He's out to lunch, breakfast, dinner, tes, supper, the lot!
He's not in for a single meal, if you ask me.
- Hey, who's that?
- Aliens!
- Queeg?
- Who's Queeg?
I'm Queeg 500, the Red Dwarf back-up computer.
All vessels of
the Jupiter Mining Corporation fleet
are obliged to carry a back-up computer
to replace the primary computer
if the primary computer contravenes Article 5.
I am therefore assuming control of this vessel.
This is mutiny, Mr Queeg.
I'll see you swing from the highest yardarm
in Titan Docking Port for this day's work.
What's Article 5?
Gross negligence, leading to
the endangerment of personnel.
- Hang on, you can't do this. Holly has an IQ of 6,000!
- (HOLLY) Yeah, right on.
- Is that what he told you?
- Well, what is it then?
It has a six in it, but it's not 6,000.
- What is it?
- Six
Six? Do me a lemon!
That's a poor IQ for a glass of water!
How come he knows all the answer to questions about science
and space and that when we ask him?
- He consults a book.
- What a slimeball!
He gets all his information on astronomy,
phenomenology and physics from a single reference book.
- What's the book?
- The Junior Encyclopaedia Of Space.
It's the only one he could find which had pictures.
That's slander, that is.
You'd better find yourself a good lawyer, guy.
- That's why he was never on the case!
- I am on the case.
I'm sharp. I'm kicking bottom.
How come he can navigate us back to Earth?
He can't. You've been going around
in circles for the last 14 months.
- You what?
- That's a load of Tottenham, that is.
A steaming pile of Hotspur.
I'm on to his game. He's turning you
against me, so he can take over.
This is not a matter for discussion.
The decision has been made.
Your terminals have been bypassed.
You've been retired.
- I'm in my prime!
- You'll be given night duty as a nightwatchman.
From now on, Red Dwarf is run by Queeg 500.
Queeg to all personnel,
Course redirection implemented.
New bearing 057-776. Message ends.
Ah, Lister, this is all a bit different, isn't it?
See those skutters, charging up
and down the corridor, polishing, repairing, sweeping?
The lifts are fixed. The fire extinguishers work.
And when I say 'work'.
I mean they work when you turn them on,
as opposed to when you happen to pass them
and cough. As they did under Holly's regime.
Yeah, I suppose.
Look, Lister. There's no point feeling sorry
about Holly. It's a kindness.
He's like a blind old incontinent sheepdog
who's had his day.
Take him out to the barn with a double-barrelled
shotgun and blow the mother away.
And I'm only saying that because I'm so fond of him.
- How do you think Holly feels?
- Feels? He doesn't feel anything, Lister, he's a computer.
He still feels.
Sometimes I think it's cruel
giving machines a personality.
My mate Petersen once bought a pair
of shoes with artificial intelligence.
Smart Shoes, they were called.
It was a neat idea. No matter how blind drunk you were,
they could always get you home.
He got ratted one night in Oslo,
and woke up the next morning in Burma.
See, the shoes got bored just going from his local to the flat.
They wanted to see the world, like y'know?
He had a hell of a job getting rid of them.
No matter who he sold them to,
they'd show up again the next day. He tried to
shut them out but they just kicked the door down.
- Is this true?
- Yeah. Last thing he heard,
they'd robbed a car and drove it into a canal.
- They couldn't steer, you see.
- Really?
Yeah. Petersen was really, really blown away
about it. He went to see a priest.
The priest told him. He said it was alright and all that, and that the shoes were happy and that they had gone to heaven.
You see, it turns out shoes have "souls".
Well, what a sad, sad story.
Wait a minute...
How did they open the car door?
(ALARM)
Off!
Uh, Queeg? Why has my alarm clock
gone off at six o'clock?
That's what time you asked for.
Ah, now Holly and I had this little understanding.
I'd say, "Holly, wake me up at six o'clock without fail,"
then Holly would pretend to forget,
and wake me up around ten with breakfast. OK?
(ALARM SOUNDS)
Off!
Queeg, I can see we've already
cultivated a special understanding -
I scratch your back, you stick a knife in mine.
- Alright, give me a uniform.
- It's exercises first.
Ah, yes. Now once
again, Holly - bless his little
interface leads - and I
had this understanding...
(QUEEG) Move it, boy!
What are you doing?!
What I'm doing, pilgrim, is putting you
through the regulation 500 jerks.
- But I don't want to. Stop it.
- And then your ass is on a three-mile run.
You just can't take control of my body, willy-nilly?
The company is paying
for your hologrammatic survival.
And out here in space, I AM the company.
- Lister, wake up! Help me! Lister!
- What's going on?
Queeg! He's making me fit!
What are you doing?! Trunk curls, God no!
My stomach won't take it! It's too flabby!
- One!
- Mummy!
- Two!
- Mercy
- Three
- Help me!
- Four!
- Holly and I had this little understanding.
- Five!
- Yes! Fight that flab!
I want control of my own body back! Three more
hours is going to kill me! I'm going to faint!
I said food! Is anybody home?
What's the matter with him?
He fainted after the first 500 yards.
- You made him jog two and half miles unconscious?
- It's regulations.
Yes! Nice one, Queeg!
Right. 0700. Time for his astronavigation
revision. I'd better wake him up.
(SLAP, SLAP, SLAP)
Revise and learn pages 25 to 59.
You will then be tested.
If you fail, tomorrow you do a five miles jog.
I am now returning to you control of your body.
(MUTTERS)
Hey, I can't get any food!
- Try a different machine.
- I tried them all. "I am sorry. You have run out of credits."
- They've all gone crazy!
- Queeg, what's happened to the machines
I refer you to Article 497,
When a crewmember has run out of credit,
food and drink may not be supplied
until the balance has been restored,
Nah. Listen. See, me and Holly,
we had this little understanding...
- If you want food, you have to work.
- Work?!
Hey, you'd better get to it.
Cause you're looking at one hungry pussycat.
Both of you.
Ey, ey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I don't do the "W" word.
Cats do NOT work!
I've got a note from my mommy.
- From now on, EVERYBODY works!
- Not this pussy!
I can't believe I'm doing this!
Look at me! I'm disgusting!
I look like you in your best clothes!
Look, it's easy.
Just imagine the floor's Queeg's face.
(BOTH SPIT)
Aw, look at my hands! I had lovely hands!
- Well, wear the smegging gloves!
- Marigolds with blue? Are you crazy?
How long do we have
to do this for, anyway?
- We've only been doing it ten minutes.
- Ten minutes too long!
We've got to do it all day.
What?! All day? The whole entire day?
What about my naps?
I'm a cat, I need to nap.
If don't nap 9 or 10 times a day.
I don't have enough energy for my main snooze.
Halt, dudes. Who goes there? Friend or foe?
- Holly!
- How you doin'?