Smega-Drive
by Ganymede & Titan
Series III - Backwards - All scenes
("STAR WARS"--STYLE MUSIC)
(RED DWARF THEME)
- Cat?
- Mmm?
- You ever see "The Flintstones"?
- Sure.
Do you think Wilma's sexy?
Wilma Flintstone?
Maybe we've been alone
in deep space too long,
but every time I see that show,
her body drives me crazy.
- Is it me?
- I think, in all probability,
Wilma Flintstone is the most
desirable woman who ever lived.
That's good. I thought I was going strange.
- She's incredible.
- What do you think of Betty?
Betty Rubble?
Well, I would go with Betty...
but I'd be thinking of Wilma.
This is crazy. Why are we talking
about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone.
You're right. We're nuts.
This is an insane conversation.
She'll never leave Fred, and we know it.
Holly, clipboard and pen, please.
- Well, Krytie, today's the day.
- But, sir, I'm just not ready.
- Six weeks it's just not long enough.
- Ten-thirty. Name?
- You know my name.
- Look, if this comes off
it'll a whole new lease of life
for both us, we'll be independent,
but we've got to
do it by the book.
It's just when you go into "official mode",
my Anxiety Chip goes into overdrive.
- Name?
- K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K...
K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K...
I'll just put Kryten.
- Can you see that space vehicle?
- Where?
Oh, that one. Yes, sir.
And can you read the registration
for me, please?
- 'Starbug 1'?
- Right, if you'd like to show me to your vehicle, please.
Right, in your own time, if you'd
like to start the space vehicle,
proceed through the cargo bay
doors and off into outer space.
Once through the doors,
proceed directly to the nearest planet.
Once there, I want you to bring the vehicle to a halt
and then carefully reverse into the planet's orbit,
remembering of course, to pay due care
and attention to any other space users.
Right, in your own time.
(CLUNK AND WHOOSH)
In your own time.
I've failed, haven't I?
- Just proceed.
- You're going to hold it against me, aren't you?
- That one mistake.
- Please.
(KRYTEN) Antigrav, check.
Retro, check.
Boosters, check.
And very gently ease forward...
I think there's something wrong
with the gearbox.
The thing is, I learned to drive in Starbug 2.
I'm not used to the controls in Starbug 1.
- They're exactly the same.
- Yes. That's the problem.
(BRAKES SCREECH)
Next, I'd like you to transfer to autopilot,
while we conduct the recognition...
(GEARS GRIND)
- tests.
- Engage autopilot.
Autopilot engaged. Well, I say "autopilot".
It's not really autopilot is it?
It's me, it's Muggins here who has to do it.
- Right, what's that one?
- Heavy traffic. Keep to your assigned space lane.
- That one?
- Er... Danger: Space mirages ahead.
Stopping Distances: You're travelling at half the
speed of light, what is the stopping distance?
- Four years, three months.
- And the thinking time?
A fortnight.
- Space Phenomena... What's that?
- A pulsar.
- And that?
- A binary star.
- What's that?
- A time hole!
- Don't help him.
- It's a time hole!
- No it isn't. It's nothing like a time hole.
- (HOLLY) It's a time hole!
- It is! It's a time hole!
- A time hole is a phenomenon rarely seen in space
which, legend would have us believe, transports
us into another part of space and time.
Whereas that is quite obviously a
blue giant about to go supernova.
THAT is a time hole. Right, what's this?
(TREMENDOUS CRASH)
I suppose you're going to fail me for this.
What is this place?
Holly? Is it possible? Can this be Earth?
Certainly seems that way.
Constellations match. Gravity: exactly 1G.
- What's the time period?
- Well, it's difficult to pin it down exactly
but according to all the available data,
I would estimate it's round
about lunchtime, maybe half-one.
What period in history, dingleberry-breath?
Can we expect to see Genghis Khan
and his barbarian buddies
sweeping across the hill?
Or a herd of flesh-eating dinosaurs feeding
off the bones of Doug McClure? What is the year?
Well, I'd need some more data
before I could give you a precise answer.
- Like?
- Well, this year's calendar would be handy.
(KRYTEN) I've never been to Earth.
I've only seen it on photographs.
It's exactly like I always imagined,
only much shorter.
"Nodnol, 871 selim."
- Nodnol? Where's Nodnol?
- (KRYTEN) It's London.
"London, 178 miles." It's backwards.
- Shh! A truck.
- Ooh, It's probably going to hit that box.
There's a perfectly rational explanation for this.
***.tfil a tnaw uoy fi ,nwot otni gniog m'I
Then again, possibly not.
(HORNS HONK)
(RIMMER) What the smeg is going on?
(KRYTEN) Everything's going backwards.
(HOLLY) It's perfectly consistent
with current theory.
Everything starts with a Big Bang, right?
And the universe starts expanding.
When it's expanded as far as it can,
there's the Big Crunch,
and everything starts contracting.
It's perfectly possible that time starts
running in the opposite direction, as well
(RIMMER) So is this Earth?
(HOLLY) It's Earth all right,
only Earth where time's going backwards.
(BOTH SPEAK BACKWARDS)
***.elbirret si ereh ecivres ehT
Flobba-dob blib blob bleeb.
- What are you doing?
- You said look inconspicuous.
- Don't be idiotic.
- But if people see my face,
what are they going to think?
Tell them you had an accident,
tell them you took your car to
the crushers and forgot to get out.
(SPEAKS BACKWARDS)
- I got a newspaper.
- What's the year? 3991?!
No, it's 1993, It's backwards.
I'll switch to reverse mode. (BLEEPS)
"Three brought to life in bank raid.
"A masked man with
a sawn-off shotgun sucked bullets
"out of two cashiers and a security guard
"in a South London bank tomorrow.
"The armed raider then forced
terrified staff to accept £10,000,
"which he demanded
they place in the bank's vaults.
"The man, Michael Ellis,
completed a 15-year prison sentence
"for the crime two years ago."
- What does that say?
- It's an advert.
"Roll-off deodorant. Keeps you wet
and smelly for up to 24 hours."
What are we going to do?
This place is totally crazy.
There's nothing we can do until the others find us.
We'd better get a job, but what jobs are there in a backwards reality
for a dead hologram and an android
with a head shaped like a novelty condom?
Here's the jobs page. This looks interesting.
"Wanted - managing director, ICI.
Excellent demotion prospects.
"Right candidate could go
straight to the bottom."
- Something a bit more low-key.
- "Busy London Restaurant requires dish dirtier"?
- Anything else?
- Ah, this looks interesting.
"Theatrical agent requires novelty acts."
- What do we do that's a novelty?
- In this world, everything.
- Three weeks we been doing this.
- We'll do it till we find them.
We ain't gonna find 'em. They're gone, buddy.
But look on the bright side... they're gone, buddy!
Don't you care about anyone but yourself?
Hell, no. I don't even care about you.
The way I see it, if Goalpost-Head and Freak-Face
want to get themselves lost, that's their bag.
I don't see why it should cut
into my preening time.
You realise with all this rescue stuff,
I haven't permed my leg hairs in a week?
- I'm a wreck.
- You perm your leg hairs?
Only as an aid to the natural curl.
- Fasten your belt.
- Hey, I do not need fashion tips from you.
SAFETY belt. Look.
Is that what I think it is?
- What do you think it is?
- An orange whirly thing in space
It's a time hole.
That's where they are. We're going in.
- Are you crazy?! You can't go in there!
- Why not?
Orange with this suit?!
Where are we?
I don't believe this.
According to the NaviComp, this is Earth.
(LISTER) Engage cloak. I'm takin' her down.
- (CAT) What did you do that for?
- Well, we don't want to freak the natives.
(METALLIC CLUNK)
Hey. What's the matter?
I dunno.
I think me ribs are cracked. And me back.
- Is my eye bruised?
- Yeah, it is.
- What's that?
- It's a homing device.
It'll find their flight recorder.
Yonder.
I'm home.
- You found anything?
- Well, the Bug's there, but they're not.
You're dry.
That's weird.
Let's take a look around.
Maybe they left us a clue or something.
(LISTER) What's this?
Ah, man they must have left them
to tell us where they'll be.
- What's it say?
- Dunno, it's in some weird language.
"Srehtorb." That must be Polish
or Bulgarian or somethin'.
- You speak Bulgarian?
- Bulgarian, me?! I can hardly speak English.
What's this?
Nodnol? Hang on!
Wait a minute! Nodnol. Nod-nol.
- It's in Bulgaria isn't it?
- Are you sure?
Absolutely, Geography was my number-one subject
at school.
Nodnol, Bulgaria - rich in animal produce
and mineral wealth, just south of Bosnia.
- What's "selim"?
- Well, obviously, Bulgarian for kilometres.
You're so smart. I'm glad I came with you.
Well, we are the smart party.
(BOTH MAKE BEATBOX SOUNDS)
(RAPS) I didn't come here lookin' for trouble
I just came to do the Red Dwarf shuffle!
(CAT) He's smart
(BOTH) He's smart
(LISTER) My ribs are killing me.
Let's find some transport.
Come on! Let's go! Go! Come on!
***!yeH !yeH
***!mednat ruo s'taht ,sdratsab gnibbor uoy ,iO
Bye, suckers! You lost your bike!
Start pedalling, man! Start pedalling!
- What's happening here? Get this thing in forward gear!
- It IS in forward gear!
Stop! Stop!
No more. I'm not moving
another yard on this thing.
I'm getting a parting
in the back of my head.
It's these cheap Bulgarian bikes.
You probably have to queue up
for a year to get this piece of crap.
You probably have to be a government
official to get one that goes forwards.
Yo, matey. Excuse me. Excuse me.
***?nodraP
Erm, No, I don't speak any
Bulgarian. Do you speak English?
***?snairagluB uoy era ,hsilgnE m'I ,yrroS
We're lookin' for our friend. Erm...friendski.
Uh... Our budski? Palski?
There's an addresski hereski.
Can you, erm...drop us offski?
***!kcab eht ni poH .bup siht wonk I ,eruS
- Rock'n'roll.
-Thankski verski muchski, budski.
(CAT) Hey! Hey! Hey!
We're movin' in the right direction now.
(DOG BARKS BACKWARDS)
This is the place.
My eye! Me back feels
like it's been cut to ribbons!
Moan, moan, moan, moan, moan!
***!srehtorB esreveR lanoitasneS eht ot eybdoog mraw ,gib a evig dna trapa sdnah ruoy ekat ot uoy tnaw I ,nemeltneg dna seidaL
Ladies and gentlemen, olleh, olleh, olleh.