by Ganymede & Titan
Series IV - DNA - All scenes
("RED DWARF" THEME)
(BLEEPING AND CLICKING)
(INDISTINCT EXCITED CHATTER)
Stand by. She's coming round.
There's something out there, man. Some kind of UFO.
We're clamping on.
- Visual down! Radar down! What's happening?
- Something's knocked out the entire desk!
- What are you all looking at me like that for?
- You've just unplugged the console!
That's right. I'm blow-drying my hair.
- We are tracking a UFO.
- Oh, you're tracking a UFO,
so I have to sit around looking
like the Bride of Frankenstein?
- Use another socket.
- This is beyond belief.
A spaceship five miles long and it don't fit
enough plug sockets in the scanning room!
There's plenty of plug sockets
in the scanning room, Cat.
They're all taken up with your
beauty aids. Now, use a wall socket.
What?! Unplug my hot wax strip
unsightly hair remover?!
Yes. Unplug your hot wax strip
unsightly hair remover!
I don't believe this.
We finally get to encounter an alien species,
and have to meet them with a wavery bikini line!
It's back, bearing zero-niner-zero.
Adjust 1% portside.
1% portside. C locked on...
All right. OK. I'll use gel. Everybody happy?
Stabilise pitch. Reduce correctives...
(LISTER) What the hell is it?
I've no idea, sir. The craft does
not appear to be of Earth construction.
- Aliens. They're probably going to return Glenn Miller.
That's what they do. All those people
who inexplicably vanish, they return them.
Ah, smeg! That's all we need. Glenn Miller on
board boring us to death with "Pennsylvania 6-5000".
Kryten, open communication channels.
(RIMMER) We don't want him! Go away!
You took him. You can keep the smegger!
How deliciously bizarre. The hall's molecular
structure conforms to no known element.
Whoever or whatever made this thing
had access to a technology far in advanced of our own.
- OK, look, let's split up.
- Why? Why should we split up?
Well, we'll do the search quicker.
What's the hurry? Have you got some major
luncheon appointment you have to rush off to?
- What's your problem?
- I'm not teaming up with him.
- Me? What's wrong with me?
- You're totally egocentric,
you flee at the first sign of trouble,
you only look after number one
you're vain, you're selfish, you're narcissistic and you're self-obsessed.
You just listed my all my best features.
- I'm going with Kryten.
- Come on, Cat.
Er, Kryten, you take point.
I've seen those movies.
It's always the guy in the lead who
always buys it first. You take the front.
Well, if it's movies we're talking about, sir.
In my experience it's usually the poor fellow
who's bringing up the rear
gets who gets picked off first,
so the others aren't aware they're under attack.
You're right, you're right. Can you take the front
and the back, so I can go in the middle?
I'll do my best, sir.
- Go, Kryten.
- We've found something, sir.
- I think it's one of the crew.
A hideously malformed triple-headed skeleton
with putrefied flesh hanging from it.
it fell through Rimmer as we opened the lift door.
- Is he all right?
- I believe he's just discovered what shirt tails are for.
(RIMMER) All right, Kryten. You don't have to make me sound
like a complete cowardly gimboid git. I'm fine now.
(KRYTEN) So, shall I cancel the order
to find your mother?
- (RIMMER) Is that thing still on?
- Hey, look at this.
Don't mess around with that, man.
We don't know what it does.
I'm just taking a look.
Cheers, man! Brilliant, I'm trapped!
- Get me out of this thing.
- Be cool, stay slinky.
I'm on the case, here. I remember the sequence.
It was red-blue-yellow... No, blue-yellow-red.
(GARBLED ELECTRONIC VOICE)
What the smeg is that?!
Curious, the skeletal form appears
to be basically humanoid in structure.
He's got three heads!
Wait. Here's some kind of wallet.
The artefacts are human. A pilot's licence,
ID, even a video club card.
Are you telling me this guy belonged to a video club
and he needed a card so they'd recognise him?
He's got six eyes and three noses.
If it were me, I'd remember him.
"Aren't you the bloke who came in last week,
sneezed and caused a monsoon?"
I think we can assume, he started out as human
and something happened here.
Something that mutated him in this unspeakable way.
(COMPUTER) Language trace completed.
Dialect: English, colloquial construction, 23rd century.
Look, Do nothing. Press nothing.
Just go and get Kryten!
- Wait, I think I got it.
- Transmogrification sequence initiated.
- Maybe not.
Gene sample accepted and cloned.
Please key in new genetic structure.
Do nothing. Press nothing. Get Kryten!
Hey, you think I can't
handle this on my own?
I have to rush off and get
Novelty-Condom-Head to bail you out?
I got you into this, I'll get you out.
- Get Kryten?!
- Relax, would you? I know what I'm doing.
New genetic structure accepted,
Metamorphosis in ten seconds and counting.
I got a good idea.
Why don't I go and get Kryten?
Look, forget Kryten!
Just press the pads, any pads! Stop this!
Are you OK? We detected a
massive power surge in this sector.
- That's Lister?!
- What can I say, except... whoops?
- What is it?
- Best guess? Some kind of DNA modifier,
designed to alter organic life at its molecular level.
This would explain our
triple-headed friend back there.
- So what does it do?
- Every single cell in your body contains DNA,
which is a series of genetic instructions
telling your body how to grow.
It's like a small computer program that chooses
the colour of your eyes, tells your nose what shape to be,
designates your sex, your height,
everything. Even your lifespan.
This machine simply rewrites the DNA program.
So this machine can transform any living thing
into any other living thing, by altering it's molecular structure?
- And it turned Lister into a chicken.
- So it seems.
- Question is, can we turn him back again?
The question is, do we want to?
Hypothetically, it shouldn't be too difficult
to recall his original form.
It's simply a question of decoding the keypad.
It's incredible. It really is him.
Look, it's even got his little beer gut.
Hmm, seems a fairly straightforward
Logically, this should be the recall sequence.
(KRYTEN) That's not it, is it?
Let's start from the top.
What happened here, exactly?
I was pressing the pads.
I definitely pressed the yellow one first.
And then this thing came down.
So, I'm standing here pressing the buttons,
- then this voice said...
- Transmogrification sequence engaged.
Right! So I press some more buttons,
and then it says...
- Please key in new genetic structure.
- That's it exactly!
- Cat, stop!
- There's no need to engage your panic chip, sir.
The machine can only operate on organic life.
I am mineral and therefore immune.
New genetic structure accepted,
Metamorphosis in ten seconds and counting.
Oh. Wait a minute. No. My brain is part organic,
and therefore it is entirely possible for the machine
to transmogrify my physical condition.
Engage panic circuits... Panic circuits engaged.
- (RIMMER) Are you OK?
- Yeah, I think so.
- What was it like being a hamster?
- It was better than being a chicken.
Have you seen the size of an egg?
Have you seen the size of a chicken's bum?
That's what the
clucking was about.
I was trying to say in chicken talk
"For God's sake, give me a epidural!"
Let's get Kryten back.
Press what you pressed for Lister.
I am human.
Yeah, but you lost your looks.
I'm human - my greatest dream come true.
For the first time in my life, I can experience real feelings.
I'm experiencing one now. I'm in happiness mode.
I've never experienced anything like it before.
Oh, except for that one time when I accidentally welded
my groinal socket to a front loading washing machine.
- How's he doing, Hol?
- Physically, he's fine.
He's got the body of a perfectly normal
30-year-old human male... apparently.
Is he all right?
It'll take a little while to adjust.
Everything's a bit new.
Greetings, fellow human. Ah, breakfast, my very
first meal. Boiled chicken ovulations - delicious!
- How you coping, man. Any problems?
- Well, just one or two.
In fact, I've compiled a little list if you'll indulge me.
Now, then, my optical system
doesn't appear to have a zoom function.
No, human eyes
don't have a zoom.
Well then, how do you bring
a small object into sharp focus?
Well, you just move your head
closer to the object.
I see. Move your head
closer...hmm...to the object.
Hmm, All right, OK. What about other optical effects,
like split screen, slow motion, Quantel?
- No. We don't have them.
- You don't have them? Just the zoom.
No, that's fine. That's great.
No, that's really great, that's great.
Now, then, er... my nipples don't work.
In what way "don't work"?
Well, when I was a mechanoid,
the right nipple nut was used to regulate body temperature,
while the left nipple nut was used mainly
to pick up short-wave radio transmissions.
Now, what I'm saying is that no matter how hard
I twiddle it, I can't seem to pick up Jazz FM.
- Human nipples don't do that, Kryt.
- I see. Fine.
Now, I presume that a human wants to recharge,
they do it much the same way mechanoids do.
Indeed, I have located what I
presume to be the recharging socket,
but for some strange reason, it doesn't appear
to have the standard three-pin adaption.
Now, do I have to use some
kind of special adaptor? Because
no matter what I do, the
lead just keeps falling out.
Kryten, we eat and sleep.
That's our way of recharging.
Ah, yes. Now, I wanted to
talk to you about something.
Something about er... well something I know that
we humans get a little embarrassed about.
It's a bit of a taboo subject, not the sort of thing we
like to sit around and chat about in polite conversation.
Kryten, I'm an enlightened 23rd-century guy.
Spit it out, man.
Well, I want to talk to you about my penis.
I knew it. You've gone straight into smirk mode.
Aren't we both two human adults?
Can't we discuss our reproductive
system without adolescent sniggering?
- Yeah, of course we can.
- Thank you.
Well, what do you think?
I'm not quite with you here,
Kryten. What am I supposed to say?
I want to know, is that normal?
What, taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No, it's not!
Well, but is it supposed to look like that?
- Well, yeah.
- It's hideous!
That's the best design they could come up with?!
Are you seriously telling me there were choices,
and someone said, "Ah, there that's it.
"That's the shape we're looking for,
the last-chicken-in-the-shop look?"
Shakespeare had one? Einstein?
Perry Como sang "Memories Are Made Of This"
with one of those stashed in his slacks?
- Well, yeah.
- No wonder humans don't have a zoom mode. Ugh.
Now, take a look at this.
Now, why do you suppose that happened?
Wh-what were you thinking of at the time?
Nothing in particular, sir. I was just idly flicking
through an electrical appliance catalogue.
I came across the section
on super deluxe vacuum cleaners
and suddenly my underpant elastic
was catapulted across the medical bay.
You see, man,
you're neither one thing or the other.
You shouldn't be getting erotic thoughts
about electrical appliances.
It WAS a triple-bag easy-glide vac with
turbo suction and a self-emptying dustbag.
Kryten, I don't care what model it was.
No vacuum cleaner
should give a human being a... double Polaroid.
- Do yourself a favour, man. Change back.
Become one of those poor sappy,
sad-act mechanoids again? This is my dream.
Hey, listen, listen. I've got a joke for you.
Now, how many mechanoids
does it take to change a light bulb?
- I don't know.
- Twelve. And you know why?
- Because they're so stupid! (LAUGHS)
Isn't that the greatest joke?
I've got another one.
Ever heard about the mechanoid peeping Tom?
(KRYTEN'S LAUGHTER ECHOES)
Man, this is a totally whacked-out idea.
It's never gonna work.
That DNA machine can do anything. Why shouldn't it work?
The hard part was finding one of my dead cells.
You really think you can clone yourself
from your own dandruff?
Why not? Dandruff has DNA in it.
That machine has a clone facility.
But a man made from dandruff? It's never going to work.
The first time you take a shower with
medicated shampoo, you'll disappear.
I won't be made of dandruff.
My body will be recreated from the genetic
pattern contained in it's structure.
- How's Kryten?
If he ever offers to show you his photo
collection, my advice is decline. Politely.
I bet he can't believe his luck. He's reached
the pinnacle of the evolutionary mountain. He's a human.
What's so big about being human?
Listy, don't knock it till you've tried it.
I just don't trust that machine, man.
Look, I know it's old-fashioned,
but I'm from the school who believe if God had intended us to fly,
he wouldn't have invented
Spanish air traffic control.
OK, that machine might be
able to cure diseases and stuff,
but you shouldn't use it to change you
into what you're not. You are what you are.
Wasn't it Descartes who said, "I am what I am"?
- No, it was Popeye the Sailor Man.
- Well, whoever it was, he was a hell of a philosopher.
And I think what he was trying to say
was, you got to stay true to what you are.
Oh, here we go.
Typical knee-jerk techno-fear reaction.