by Ganymede & Titan
Series VII - Nanarchy - All scenes
(KRYTEN) Last week on Red Dwarf
(SQUEALS) something terrible
happened to Mr Lister's arm!
Hey, guys, check this out!
There's a woman in there!
I've been tongue-hockeyed to death!
You know how you told us all to work on a
solution to Mr. Epideme, no matter how drastic?
Yeah, what have you got, Kryts?
My left arm, I said! That's my right! What kind
of navigation officer can't tell left from right?
- We did the best we could. I am so sorry.
- Mr Lister, sir, you're awake!
Buddy, you look great!
("RED DWARF" THEME)
Oh, bravo, sir! You see, there's no need for
despondency. You can still play the guitar!
Yeah, look on the bright side.
At least now I'm only half crap.
- We should still count all our blessings, sir.
- Kryten's right.
The Epideme virus may have cost you a limb, but
there are countless people who have lost an arm
and gone on
to lead a perfectly "normal" life.
- Like who?
- Oh, there are thousands, sir.
- Thousands upon thousands upon thousands.
- More than thousands.
- Well, I don't know if I can name them all individually.
- Name one.
One? Hmm... You want
me to name as many as that?
- Lord Nelson. He beat the French.
- Lord Nelson! Thank you, ma'am.
- He beat the French.
- Who else?
- Well, er....
- The Venus de Milo.
The Venus de Milo.
No arms at all, but that certainly didn't prevent her
from pursuing a highly successful modelling career.
- Go on.
- Go on?
You said there were millions. That's two, and
one of them's a statue. So go on, name five.
Five? Right. well, there's, um...
There's Lord Nelson, and, er... Ms de Milo,
and then there's the... well...
- Help us! Er, the...
- The painter dude!
- What painter dude?
- The Welsh guy. You know?
The one with one arm. Van Gogogoch.
He had one ear, Cat. He cut the other one off.
- He did?
See? That dude manages to cut
off his own ear with just one arm
and you're worried about
not leading a normal life.
There must be more... Erm, that guy
from "The Fugitive". He had one arm. What was his name?
- The One-Armed Man.
- That's him! See, that's three.
- He was a murderer
- Was he?
Yeah, he killed
Dr Richard Kimble's wife.
But that proves my point. You see, if that guy
can murder a perfectly able-bodied woman
minus a major extremity, then I
don't think you've got anything to worry about.
Come on, let's face it, guys. There aren't
any noteworthy one-armed people from history.
- You can't even name five.
- Of course we can, look!
the one-armed guy from "The Fugitive",
the Venus de Milo,
Van Gogh and... one more...
That Mexican dude!
- The one who robbed people!
- What one who robbed people?
The one-armed bandit!
That's a machine, you gimp! One of the most
popular pub games of the 20th century.
And it only had one arm?
What a heart-warming story.
- Dave Lister. There. That's five.
- I'm going to the loo.
I don't actually need to go now, but seeing as it takes 45
minutes to un-button me flies, I should probably make a start.
Do you need a hand?
I'm sorry. I didn't mean...
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry! Sorry!
- Biscuit, sir?
- Another bik-bik?
- Yes, please.
- Kryten? What are you doing?
- I'm just dunking bikkies, ma'am.
It's another of life's joys of which poor
Mr Lister has been robbed. Isn't that right, sir?
Could you give my nose a
tweak? I've got a bit of an itch.
Why can't you itch it yourself. You've still got one arm.
- There. Is that better, sir?
- Yeah, a bit.
Kryten, I told you before,
he wants to be independent.
He doesn't need you running around
after him like he's some kind of invalid.
- But he does, he does! Don't you, sir?
- Another slurp of tea, sir?
- Oh, this is making me sick.
Don't take any notice of her, sir.
It's nearly suppertime.
Chuckie-eggs tonight, sir,
with your toast cut up
into little, tiny, weeny,
bite-sized soldiers of varying ranks.
- Thanks Kryts, but really I can cut up my own toast.
- Hm, it's just like you asked for, sir.
- Asked for?
- Now, just remember, sir, 'Kryten knows best'!
I'm gonna stretch me legs,
take a walk around the ship.
Just opening the door for you, sir.
There we go. Door's open, sir.
- Just closing the door now, sir.
The door's closing, sir.
The door's nearly closing. And it's closed, sir.
Florence Nightingdroid, could I have a word?
Look, deep down I'm a big softie.
The first time I saw "Gone with the Wind",
I went through a whole box of tissues.
"'Now, Voyager", I was so choked up,
I couldn't speak for 20 minutes.
I'll make a note, ma'am. "Now Voyager".
Worth keeping on stand-by. Carry on, ma'am!
I'm saying I'm not a heartless bitch,
so you'll understand that
what I'm about to say isn't easy.
Back off Lister. Let him learn to
cope on his own, it's the only way.
- I don't understand, ma'am.
- By helping him, you're not helping him.
If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't
even be wearing underpants!
Have you ever heard
of something called "tough love"?
- Does it involve dressing up?
It means sometimes, to help a
person, you have to get tough,
make them stand on their own two feet -
or in Lister's case, one hand!
I see. So you think it's time to let
him start brushing his own teeth again?
I do, yes. I also think it's time
you built him an artificial arm
and gave him a chance not
to be so dependant on you.
I was meaning to get round to that, ma'am, but what
with being on 24-hour wipe alert, I haven't had time!
Wipe alert? No,
don't even tell me what that means.
Because I have a feeling I know, and if I'm
right it's the grossest thing I've ever heard!
His mouth, ma'am, I help him get rid
of the crumbs around his mouth.
Yeah, that's what I thought,
and it's absolutely gross.
Mouth crumbs. Eurgh! Disgusting!
It's a real sonofabitch about your arm, bud.
Losing an arm, that is one terrible thing.
- Your move.
- Can you imagine that?
One minute, you got two arms,
and the next - zing...doof! - you got one.
Hoo-ee! That's tough.
And it stands to reason we must need
two arms. That's why we got two arms!
Well, except you.
You're probably wondering, "Is it going to affect
my life?" and I've been thinking about this
I think the answer is, "Yes, it is."
Your smegging move.
If it were me, I couldn't survive. First chance I'd get,
I'd climb to the top of my tallest pair of
platform boots and leap to my death or something.
- I couldn't stand the thought of not being perfect.
- Your move.
But with you I think it's different.
Take a pit bull terrier, a real ugly sonofabitch.
It loses its leg somehow and the pit bull says to you,
"Hey, man! I've only got three legs.
"Will lady pit bulls still like me?"
I mean, you've gotta stop from laughing, haven't you?
He's ugly with four legs! He's ugly with three!
Hell, he'd be ugly if you put him
in a suit and gave him a carnation.
So here's something I
think is gonna cheer you up!
It's your move.
- Mr Pit Bull? Put it there, buddy!
OK, OK. I'm going!
I don't think
you've been listening to a thing I've said.
Now, this is a copy of the standard model
from the 21st century. Comfortable, sir?
- It's fine, yeah.
- OK, now let's recap -
the limb is connected to neurons that run
up to the left hemisphere of your brain,
which controls the right side of your body.
Now all you have to do is merely command the arm
to do something, and it obeys.
Now, let's practise.
Right, now concentrate, sir.
I want you to think, "Arm, pick up the ball."
OK? Now just think, "I will pick up the ball."
- I will pick up the ball.
- That's right. Now good. Now concentrate.
- I will pick up the ball.
- OK, now really think,
- "Hand, pick up the ball..."
- I will pick up the ball.
- That's right.
- Hand, pick up the ball.
- "Hand, pick up the ball". That's right sir.
- Hand, pick up the ball!
- Now keep going, sir. Keep that thought going.
- Pick up the ball!
- Now focus down onto that and keep it going!
- Pick. Up. The ball!
"Hand, pick up the ball!"
That's right, sir. Now keep going now, really think, now.
"Hand, pick up the ball!"
Now let's really get it going, sir!
- "Pick up the ball! Hand, pick up the ball'"
- (GRITTED TEETH) Pick. Up. The Ball
Really start to move it now, sir!
"Hand, pick up the ball!" now let's keep moving
Keep going, sir! You CAN do it! "Hand, pick up
the ball!" You're going to move that hand, sir!
You're going to move it! Move that
hand, sir! "Hand, pick up the ball!"
Pick up the ball!
Yes, sir! Yes! We've got some movement, sir!
Yes! The finger is moving! Keep goin- Yes!
Oh! Bravo, sir!
- Oh! The sweat's dripping off me!
- Oh, that was fantastic, sir, absolutely marvellous!
- It worked like a dream!
- Is that it?
- Well, how do you mean sir?
- Is that the best it works?
In other words if I ever want to pick up a ball
am I going to have to take the morning off?
It was a tad slow, I'm forced to admit.
A tad? The only thing I've ever seen
pick up slower is Rimmer in a disco.
Well, maybe if I adjust the impulse valve,
it might make it a little more sensitive.
OK, let's try again.
"Hand, pick up the ball."
OK. Hand, pick up the ball.
OK. Right. Well, er, let's try again.
- Now, "Hand, pick up the ball."
Hand, pick up the ball.
I think, sir, that there's a lot of anger
inside you and that's what's driving the arm.
- I don't feel angry.
- Well, you've lost your arm, sir.
- You have every right to feel angry.
- I don't! I promise, I don't!
Well, you see, it's subconscious.
You're thinking, "Hand, pick up the ball,"
but your subconscious
is saying, "Punch Kryten in the head.
"Beat the brains out of the demented droid
that cut off my beloved arm." Am I right?
- Kryten, that's rubbish!
It's controlled by my subconscious!
It's far too dangerous to
let you out with that arm, sir.
Two minutes with Miss Kochanski and who knows
what you'd be swinging around your head?
There must be a solution to this.
what about one of your spares?
- Whaddaya say, motherboarder?
- Too heavy, sir.
With the strain and extra weight it would be
impossible for Mr Lister even to get it up.
He could always take it
off if he was going on a date.
Can someone take him outside and do something to him?
Ideally involving ice cubes
and any puckered body cavity.
Wait a minute. What about your
self-repair system? Can't that help?
- When you have a mechanical failure,
it fixes itself, doesn't it?
The Kryten back in my dimension
had these tiny little robots. Subatomic?
Nanobots. They break objects down
into their component atoms,
then recombine those atoms
to repair damaged circuits.
- Just for me... could you run that by me one more time,
but this time do the big-writing version
with pictures, one word a page?
Let me think of a cogent paradigm.
I'd rather have a good example.
This is a lead pencil. It's made of graphite,
which is a particular arrangement of carbon atoms.
This is diamond.
It too is made of carbon atoms.
Nanobots can rearrange atoms
so they could take this lead pencil,
move the atoms around a bit
and turn it into diamond.
It's possible to make diamonds out of pencils?
It's also possible to make
computer chips out of sand.
So what happened if we transferred
some of your nanobots into Dave?
Wouldn't they be able to build him a new arm
from his excess body tissue?
Unfortunately, ma'am, it's not possible, no.
- Why not?
- I no longer have any nanobots, sir. They deserted me.
When and where, I
can't be exactly certain.
But if we were to find these
nanobots, could they build me a new arm?
But finding them would
be close to impossible, sir.
It would be like looking for a
needle in a male student's flat.
- When was the last repair they made?
- When we on the Esperanto, just before we met the Despair Squid.
(TUTS) That was ages ago, before we lost the Dwarf.
- That's why I've given up hope of ever finding them
- Let's set a course back to the Esperanto.
But I promise you it's futile, sir.
I'll start preparing
the suspended animation booths.
Hang on a minute, we're not
there. Where the smeg are we?
The computer's brought us out of deep
sleep early. Must have picked up something.
Maybe it's something to do
with this planetoid directly ahead?
Just scanning, sir... No, that's ridiculous.
- What is?
- It's not even worth mentioning, ma'am.
Must be a scanner fault. Rescanning.
- What? Again?
- What is it, man?
You look shakier than a silicon
implant ward during an earthquake.
Well, according to all our scanners,
that planetoid out there is... Red Dwarf.
- Gah! Must be on the blink.
- Of course it's on the blink.
We're talking about the same piece of equipment that last
month that detected a planet entirely populated by air hostesses.
We spent two weeks checking that out.
I knew we gave up to soon!
It was worth at least one more week.
- However, there is one additional factor.
- Which is?
- That we've been here before.
- Of course we have, it's the cockpit, dummy!
We come here all the time.
I mean this sector of the
galaxy, sir. Doesn't it look familiar?
Kryten, it's space. Black with twinkly bits.
It all looks familiar.
If you look to the port side, sir, that planet in the
distance is the ocean world where we discovered the Esperanto.
That was just before we lost Red Dwarf.
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- I'm thinking wearing leather underpants
with silver studs is a real mistake
if you put them on inside out.
- What are you thinking?
- Me? I'm thinking about a wooden mallet, you and ice cubes again.
- This planetoid, let's check it out.
- According to the weather scan it's beautiful down there.
Tropical temperatures, not a cloud in sight.
Suggest we dress for snow and take the buggy.
(THUNDER CRASHES, WIND HOWLS)