Smega-Drive
by Ganymede & Titan
Series X - Fathers & Suns - All scenes
(TYRES SCREECH)
(SIRENS WAIL)
(AUTOMATIC GUNFIRE)
(GUNSHOTS)
(HORNS BLARE)
Ohh!
Man.
Oww! Hey, bud. Where you been?
Just got back from the Dentibot.
I needed a filling.
Bet you chickened, though, right?
Soon as that robo-drill started
screeching, I bet you were gone.
Yeah. How do you know that?
You're still wearing a bib.
Who needs a dental bot anyway, man?
Half a bottle of GELF hooch,
can't feel a thing now.
Anywhere.
Starting to worry, actually.
If it was me,
I'd get my teeth fixed, Gummy.
Otherwise in a couple of years,
you'll be flossing with towrope.
Eeh, eeh, eeh.
(GUNSHOT)
- Can you hear that?
- Hear what?
That! Can't you hear it?
It's driving me crazy.
All over the ship, wherever I go,
there's this really annoying whiny sound.
Yeah, it's you. Stop talking, it goes.
Still there.
You're still talking!
Lister. This ship is falling apart.
I need some help.
Don't look at me, Rimmer. I am busy today.
Busy? And what are you doing today
that makes you so "busy"?
I'm getting drunk.
That's your day?
Not just any old drunk.
I'm talking traffic-cone-hugging,
pavement-licking kershnickered.
That's my day. Cheers.
Er...what's this?
Ah, I'm making a Father's Day card.
You're making a Father's Day card?
You? Who to?
Well, let's round up the suspects,
shall we, Sherlock?
First up, there's me dad.
But you're your dad.
You went back in time
and left your baby self
under a pool table in a cardboard box.
You're your own dad.
So therefore I shouldn't get
any Father's Day cards?
It's not my fault that due to some
time-travelly paradoxy sci-fi smeg
I happen to be my own dad.
I do this every year.
I write myself a "Thanks for being
such an amazing dad" card,
then I drink myself into oblivion
so I forget what I've written,
and then 12 months later, on Father's Day,
which, by the way, happens to be today,
Kryten delivers a Father's Day card
and I haven't got a clue what it says.
How cool is that?!
- Morning, sirs!
- Oh, he hasn't!
Oh, I think he has, sir.
He never forgets his old dad.
I don't know how he finds the time,
what with all the things
he's up to as well.
Aww.
Look at that!
Dreads!
Brilliant!
I mean, how funny is that?
Oh! What a brilliant card.
Made it himself, you know.
Oh, look, a bit of poppadom!
Poppadom!
Aww.
Aww!
So thoughtful.
- Aww.
- Wait a minute.
How can you even stand your dad?
He abandoned you in a pub
in a cardboard box.
The only thing he's ever given you
your whole life
is a rattle and a few air holes.
What kind of a dad is that?
That's true, yeah.
That's right.
That's...that's not right, that, is it?
There it is again, that whiny sound.
You're talking again!
RIMMER: Number 32-12 required,
and a replacement
valve-housing gasket for 17.
Noted, sir.
I thought the new computer
was supposed to be helping with all this.
It's not uploaded yet, sir. Later today.
MACHINE: Hey, Kryten, how's it going?
Great night last night.
You can say that again, 16!
We had quite a night of it
last night, sir.
Me and a bunch of the dispensing machines
got together and played Chinese Whispers.
We had so much fun.
Now, the sentence started as,
"I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit,
on the slit sheet, I..."
- Kryten.
- Yes, sir?
- Shut up.
- Yes, sir.
I'm not remotely interested in some
stupid parlour game you were playing
with a talking condom machine
and two Lil-Let dispensers.
Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. Thank you, sir.
While we're at it, Chinese Whispers -
isn't that racist?
Basically, what you're saying
is that Chinese people
can't convey a simple piece of information
to one another.
Now, if that's the case, how come
they invented acupuncture, gunpowder...
laundry, and those funny little hats?
Chinese Whispers -
it's offensive, racist and wrong.
Ask around, I think you'll find I'm right.
So, how can I help?
I need some advice.
I wanna be a better father to my son.
What kind of person is your son?
Ooh, tough question.
If I had to sum him up in one word,
it would be...ohh...
awesome?
And he's smart.
I mean, OK, not book-smart, but that's
only cos he hasn't read any books.
If he had, then who knows?!
And he's a killer guitarist.
You know, when he's had a few,
he is up there with Hendrix.
So what's the problem?
He's in a rut.
He's not going anywhere.
No job, no girlfriend, and to be honest,
I know I shouldn't,
but I kind of blame myself.
So he's a total bum.
Total bum?! I don't think so.
A bum, maybe, but total bum? No way.
(BLEEPING) Ah! That's weird.
I don't seem to have your son on file.
Ah, well, there's a reason for that.
He should register! He's missing out
on a whole raft of privileges.
Is he?
Free Christmas champagne!
His own TV and game package!
It'll only take five minutes.
Quick medical, so we can set up his bios
for stasis, and he's done.
What's his name?
- Dave.
- Same as you!
I'll open a file for him right now.
Done. OK, here's what I think.
Tough love.
Set him goals.
He doesn't achieve those goals,
kick his butt.
Kick it hard! Tough love.
- Tough love?
- Tough love.
That's a great question, Kryten.
Is Chinese Whispers racist?
Leave it with me. I'll do some research.
Hi, Garby.
So you're a cat of the world -
what do you think?
Eh, I dunno, 16.
But you got me intrigued.
Let me ask around.
Thank goodness for that derelict, sir.
I am just so excited at the prospect
of having a new computer!
We so miss Holly.
It's true - we just don't get the same
quality of cock-up these days, do we?
OK, sir. The computer is ready to launch.
Here we go, the "pref" menus.
Ah.
Male or female?
Female. Not really bothered.
Doesn't really matter. Female.
Age - 25, 50, or 75?
Whatever.
Let's not get held back by this, Kryten.
25
Blonde or brunette?
Honestly don't care.
It doesn't matter. Not important.
Blonde.
Breast size.
I can't honestly believe they actually
still ask that question these days.
It's absolutely ludicrous, it really is.
I totally agree with you, sir.
I'll choose the first one.
- 30A.
- Hang on!
What's the hurry, Kryten?
Everyone knows you don't just pick
the first thing that comes into your head.
What's that one down there at the bottom?
That's...a 36D, sir.
Fine. Go with that one.
Whatever.
36D it is.
- I've already highlighted 30A, sir.
- Kryten,
don't argue. 36D it is.
- But sir!
- Kryten, it's not important.
I don't know why you're making
such a fuss about this.
36D. Select it. Moving on.
But I'm not making a fuss, sir.
- I'm just...
- OK, I'm pulling rank.
I order you to select 36D
as the breast size for the new computer.
And that's an order.
Selected, sir.
Ah, now...
Personality.
- Whatever.
- Oh.
Accent?
Whatever.
- Frame size.
- Your call. Let's launch. Who cares?
KRYTEN: Close-up chosen.
Ah, there we go.
Oh, I really like that frame size,
don't you, sir?
Hey-hey! Ooh!
Hello. My name's Pree.
It will take a few moments
for my database to initialise.
Oww! Nice pixels!
Hey, buds, what's happening?
We're just launching
the new computer, sir.
Here we go.
Greetings, gentlemen.
My name is Pree,
and I will be your new ship computer.
I have many functions,
including predictive behaviour technology.
- Predictive what?!
- Like predictive text on a cell phone,
predictive behaviour technology
anticipates your actions
based on past behaviour
and performs
the rest of the action for you.
- How's she able to do that?!
- Well, best guess,
she builds behavioural algorithms
from the ship's security footage,
so she's able to guess
how we're most likely to behave
in any given situation.
Exactly right, Kryten.
What about maintenance?
Can you repair the ship's
engineering faults?
I already anticipated
you'd ask me that question, Arnold,
and I've repaired all the faults
on B Deck already.
There is now a 98% probability
you will discuss
my potential for changing your lives
and reach the conclusion that you're
looking forward to seeing me in action.
You now no longer need to have this
conversation and can do something else.
So now we don't have that conversation
and move straight on
to the next conversation?
Your next conversation
is a conversation about
not having the previous conversation,
saying you were looking forward
to the previous conversation,
and now feel a bit lost,
not having had that conversation.
You conclude you will probably get used to
hearing the results of your conversations
and no longer having
the conversations yourselves.
Hey! New computer!
Predictive.
Knows what you're likely to say and do
in any given situation.
Heh-hey, that could come in handy!
Got a job for you.
I know.
(GROANS)
Kebab pillow.
I must have got trashed last night.
Throbbo.
What's this?
Don't remember making this.
Hi, son.
It's your old dad here.
- Dad!
- Here's the plan.
I'm gonna give you some advice.
Kind of a "do as I say, not as I do"
kind of style.
Then I'm gonna get totally trashed
so I forget what I've said,
and then when you watch this,
you'll feel like you've got a totally
normal, ordinary, regular dad, yeah?
I don't remember making this.
Rimmer's right.
I've never been a proper dad to you.
Never watched you play zero-gee,
never encouraged you, gave you advice,
kicked your big fat butt
when it needed kicking.
Maybe that's why
you've ended up like this.
Like what?
You're a big, big disappointment to me,
David, you really are.
- What?
- No ambition. Sitting about.
Wasting your life away.
And you're not looking after yourself.
And you drink too much.
It's getting worse.
I'm doing OK.
"I'm doing OK," you're probably saying.
"I'm doing OK." But you're not.
I mean, you could have been so much
more, and-and you know it.
Who are you to tell me what to do?
What have you ever done with your life?
(BOTTLES CLANK)
(MORE BOTTLES CLANK)
You've gotta get yourself an education.
At least get good at something,
and then...
and then build a home, a proper home,
and then go and find Krissy.
And how do I do all of that?
Er..
Step one.
Enrol in the Jupiter Mining Corporation
engineering programme.
Er, step two, get that filling fixed.
And then play the next message.
So!
You had to enrol in the Jupiter
engineering mining programme
and get that filling fixed.
How did it go, eh?
D'you make your old man proud?
You didn't do it did you, David?
No!!
You just skipped ahead to the next
message to see what I'd say, didn't you?
Yes, Dad.
I knew you'd do that. It was a test.
- Sorry, Dad.
- Now, get your filling fixed,
no messing,
then play message three, yeah?
What, d'you think I'm stupid?
Is that what do you think?
D'you think I'm stupid, eh?
Get the filling fixed,
then play the next message!
What the smeg?
Don't swear.
How the smeg d'you know
I was gonna swear?
Let me make one thing
crystal clear, young man.
I will not be having any of your nonsense.
While you're living under my roof,
on my spaceship,
you abide by my rules.
And if you don't like it
well, you know what you can do.
Now, if you skip ahead one more time,
I'm gonna flush that guitar of yours
out of an airlock.
Now, get the filling done now.
Thought I'd finally do
what you wanted, did you?
Well, you got that wrong.
Message four. Good.
We're finally making some progress.
- Wrong!
- Finally learned a little bit of respect.
- Wro-ong!
- By the way, see your guitar?
Go on. Go over there.
Give us a song.
What's he up to?
Have a look out of that porthole there.
See that tiny speck
half a light year away?
That's your Gibson Les Paul, that is.
No!
Tough love. D'you want some more?
Now, enrol in the mech engineering
programme and get the filling done now!
Or you'll get some more Daddy Discipline.
I really loved that guitar!
You don't understand me!
I hate you! Bastard!
Evening, Pree.
Glad you had such a good day, Arnold.
So sorry this evening's
going to be such a nightmare.
Ah, but it's not.
I'm gonna put my feet up and watch TV.
Put on Victory South for me, will you?
A fascinating drama series about the
American Civil War where the South win.
Loved series one,
really looking forward to series two.
I deleted all 24 episodes
earlier this morning, Arnold.
What?!
I watched them all yesterday,
and you didn't enjoy them.
But I haven't seen them.
But if you had,
you wouldn't have enjoyed them.
But series one was brilliant!
Why didn't I enjoy them?
All your favourite characters
were killed off,
including the busty blonde heroine
with no personality.
Aww, I loved her.
What am I supposed to do now?
I thought you could use that time
more fruitfully,
perhaps finally reading War And Peace.
I want to unwind, relax.
Not read a book that's longer
than Rapunzel's pubic hair.
Sir, come quickly!
B Deck is in total disarray!
B Deck, the floor Pree repaired?
Pree, what's happened?
I thought you were gonna repair all this!
I did. And thanks to
my predictive capabilities,
I was able to carry out the repairs
in the exact manner
you would have instructed.
It's one botch-up after another,
with no regard to safety procedures
or good workmanship!
Exactly.
How can you be a top computer
if you do something like this?
I didn't, Arnold, you did.