No, you didn't have the time. You just yelled, "Mu..."
Please, sirs, this is very bad for morale.
I can't believe you're arguing about who's going to have the best death!
I'm only trying to help, give you some advice on how to die nicely.
- You wanna die twice, keep talking. - KRYTEN: Please, sir!
He's right. We're all getting crazy.
We need to chill.
You're right.
We've been in these situations before, we always find a way out.
Like the time that highly corrosive micro-organism almost destroyed Red Dwarf.
The highly corrosive micro-organism, exactly!
We got out of that one.
Yeah, thanks to me.
Oh, sir! You cannot claim the credit for that.
- It was a total fluke. - Fluke?
You think that was an accident, the way I...?
Ssh!
What's that?
Something's coming into the asteroid.
It's a probe. It's approaching half a click east.
Switch out all the lights.
Good thinking! They'll think we're all out.
If things get really tricky, we'll get Kryten to open the airlock
and tell 'em we've moved.
It seems to be backing off, sir.
They're coming back.
Look, we've gotta get a battle plan - astro-nav space-school stuff.
Rimmer, is that something you could handle?
Pardon?
Is that something you can handle?!
The responsibility of coming up with a battle plan?
All that strategy stuff.
Why me?
Cos you're into military strategy.
If it was a curry-eating competition to the death, it'd be me.
If it was a towel-folding competition to the death...
That would be me!
Phuw, phuw, phuw-phuw-phuw-phuw.
Phuw-phuw-phuw.
Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh.
I'd win that one, sir.
And what kind of competition to the death would it have to be before you chose me?
So, moving on... Er... Can you do it?
Yes, of course I can do it.
Obviously.
You don't sound very confident.
I'm very confident.
I've waited my whole life for this moment.
Command of my own ship in a battle against overwhelming odds?
It's your moment of destiny.
Right. I'll just...
make my way into the... supply room and think of a plan, then.
It'll be just like taking an exam.
I can do this.
Sir, surely there must be an alternative.
If there was, Kryten, we'd be doing it.
ALL: We're smegged.
Any joy, sir?
Not yet, no.
I'm still at the "can't think of a plan" stage.
Well, I don't know if this will help, sir, but I've done a ship-wide search
and collated all the weapons we have on board ship, sir.
Good, Kryten. I was just about to suggest that myself.
Two forks and a pencil sharpener?!
Now, there is a rumour that there's a stick and some string, sir.
But I don't want to raise false hopes.
There is, of course, Hogey's Molly-D.
- The molecular destabiliser. - Mm.
I'll leave it with you, sir.
Ehh!
They're driving me crazy cooped up in there.
Thought I'd take a break and come in here!
Oww!
I love the string game!
Have you thought of your plan yet?
You can't think of anything, can you?
I just love the string game! You know why?
Because you're an idiotic cat?
No. Why you can't think of a plan, dummy?
Because you're driving me crazy, that's why.
Uh-uh. There's a demon messing up your head.
- Yes, you!
Nope. Your father.
My father's dead.
No way, non-bud.
His worthless, skinny ass lives on inside you,
freezing your soul with fear.
How do you know all this?
Do you think awesome good looks and rock-hard pecs are my only qualities?
I'm a cat.
I sense things.
You gotta nail that demon and kick his sorry ass outta town.
How?
The only thing keeping him alive is you.
You're never gonna win over that dude's approval.
Give it up! Let it go.
Hey!
Look how it's moving!
I lo-ove the string game!
Stop moving!
Anythin'?
Nothing.
What you doing?
- I'm going to play this. - Your father's message?
- But why, sir? - If I play it
before I've become the person he wanted me to become,
it means I don't care what he thinks any more.
It means...
I'm free of him.
Arnold, it's me.
If you're playing this message, it means you're an officer in the Space Corps.
You've achieved your dreams, you're a man of significance and substance,
so this won't matter to you now.
Arnold,
I'm not your father.
But that's impossible. It's not true!
Look inside yourself and you will know I speak the truth.
Your father wasn't me.
It was Dungo, our gardener.
But he was a babbling imbecile.
A billion-piece jigsaw suddenly falls into beautiful place.
Know from now on
your family line isn't made up of Austrian princes and French royalty,
but of lame-brained artisans and pram-faced trollops.
Didn't tell you before because I didn't want it to affect your self-esteem.
But now you've achieved all your dreams,
it doesn't matter a jot.
Goodbye, Arnold.
And good luck.
PS - naturally, I won't be sending you any more birthday presents.
This is the worst thing that can happen.
Mr Rimmer's always had a huge ego and no self-confidence.
Now his ego's smaller than a pixie's right nut after an icy bath.
Well, you know, he thought he came from a military family, high-flyers,
success ingrained in the very core of their DNA.
Now he discovers he's no better than me.
What a nightmare.
(RIMMER SIGHS)
I think I've got something.
What? How?
I've been thinking.
If Dungo...
I mean Dennis...
I mean Dad...
were here now, he'd be so proud.
Second Technician in the JMC, senior officer in a mining ship,
and I don't smell of manure.
Suddenly I don't have that voice in my head
telling me I'm useless at everything.
I have a new voice telling me how proud he is.
I can think
and I think I've got a plan.
It's crap!
I have to admit, sir, I'm not entirely convinced myself.
I thought it was quite clever.
- Let's take a vote. - Who's against?
Take a look at this colour.
Is it purple, blue or green?
...Fallopian tube is a musical instrument. True or false?
True?
It'll work! Jujitsu-style!
Use the might of your opponent against himself!
Are you quite sure, sir?
We have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Apart from pain.
And maybe humiliation.
And obviously death and failure.
But apart from fear, pain, humiliation, failure, the unknown and death,
we have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Who's with me?
I know I need to work harder on that fear speech,
it wasn't quite as rousing as it should be, but...
we can do this.
He's right! Let's do it.
- Let's do it! Come on! - Come on!
- Get your butts in the air and let's go! - Yeah!
LISTER: Kryten, bring them forks - we might need them.
There, My Dominator.
- They're emerging from the meteor. - Mm.
How's it looking? Is it all going to plan?
KRYTEN: Nothing in sight, sir.
Oh.
- We're surrounded. - 12 o'clock,
9 o'clock, 6 o'clock, 3 o'clock.
LISTER: The Death Ship and three Annihilators.
Keep them in line - it's absolutely crucial.
- Right, open comm channels. Here goes. - Open, sir.
This is Second Technician Arnold J Rimmer of the mining ship Red Dwarf.
Under Treaty 5 of the Geneva Convention,
we claim the freedoms and privileges of prisoners of war.
Ha!
- Load the photon mutilators. - Mm.
Perhaps you didn't hear me.
We're surrendering.
Mutilators loaded, Your Excellency.
You can't open fire on a surrendering ship.
That's a scandalous breach of the niceties of battle.
All ships, prepare to fire on my orders.
Right! You're on report, m'laddo.
Fire!
Blow us up all you like,
but don't think for one second you're getting away with it.
A letter worded in the strongest possible language is going off to Geneva.
Now, I'm not gonna ask you again.
Abort your attack.
Right, that's it.
"Dear sir...
"I was scandalised earlier today by a Simulant Death Ship
"which contravened Treaty 5 of the Geneva Convention."
Impact - 16 seconds.
It's the way of all things.
You live, you die.
But sometimes you live, you die
and then you live again.
I know. I've done it myself.
Now!
They've destabilised their whole ship, all four bulkheads.
LISTER: Look out!
Our own torpedoes are on a collision course, Sire.
Under Treaty 5 of the Geneva Convention,
we claim the freedoms and privileges of prisoners of war!
Sorry, I missed that. Pardon?
(ALL CHEER)
- Good job, sirs. - Hell of a job.
You know what this makes me?
A working-class hero.
Working-class hero, you and me both.
Kryten...
set a course for Red Dwarf.
The slime's coming home.
# It's cold outside There's no kind of atmosphere
# I'm all alone, more or less
# Let me fly far away from here
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# I want to lie Shipwrecked and comatose
# Drinking fresh mango juice
# Goldfish shoals nibbling on my toes
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun. #
What did I tell ya? We got out of that OK.
Just like we got out of that thing with the highly corrosive micro-organism.
- Once again, Big Arn saves the day. - Oh, please, sir!
Can we sort this out once and for all? Just because you happened...
You kills my brother.
(ALL SIGH)
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