Smega-Drive
by Ganymede & Titan
Series X - The Beginning - All scenes
(BELL RINGS)
MAN: Next up, an experiment
to measure peer pressure.
How much is the individual
influenced by the group?
Seeing as Arnold Rimmer's late,
the subject of this experiment can be him.
When he finally does us
the honour of turning up,
I shall ask you a set of questions
and want you to answer accordingly.
First day of term and I'm late!
So embarrassing. He'll kill me.
Ahh!
Mr Rimmer!
I hope we haven't inconvenienced you
too much by starting on time.
Sorry, Father.
I'm Father outside college.
Inside college, I'm "sir"
or "Lecturer Rimmer", understand?
Yes, Father.
I mean, sir.
So embarrassing.
We're just about to run through
a few questions as part of psy profiling.
OK,
take a look at this colour.
Is it purple, blue or green?
Hands up, purple.
Hands up, blue.
Green.
A Fallopian tube is a musical instrument.
True or false?
True?
What's the answer
to this piece of arithmetic?
(ALARM BLARES)
(SNORES)
(WEAPON COCKS)
You kills my brother.
Hm?
Oh, you got the wrong quarters, bud.
You want Lister.
That's two floors down,
second on the right, fourth on the left.
Night!
You kills my brother.
One floor down, sir.
Elevator at the end of the hallway.
You kills my brother.
Oh, smeg off, Rimmer.
I'm tryin' to sleep, man.
(WEAPON FIRES)
(COUGHS)
- You kills my brother.
- No, I didn't.
Oh, yes, you did.
No, I smeggin' didn't.
I are here to challenge
theys who kills my brother
to a duel to the ungonising death.
I will give you five of your Earth minutes
and then...
I will pursue you across space
unto the end of time itself.
I will not rest until you are chokin'
on your own warm blood.
Sounds fair to me.
Butt out, Rimmer. Don't encourage him.
Do you accept the challenge, humo,
a duel across time and space?
- No!
- Why?
Hogey, you are always doing this -
picking fights
and then challenging us
to duels across time and space.
- No, I not.
- Yes, you are.
No, I not.
Yes, you smeggin' are!
You rogue droids are obsessed
with duels across time and space.
You eesult my kind, saying we are
obsessed with duels across time and space.
I therefore challenge you
to a duel across time and space.
I will give you five of your...
No duels across time and space.
Why?!
Look, at first, it was fun, it distracted
us from being stuck in deep space,
no...way of getting back home.
But we're all duelled out -
our duelling days are over.
Duellos annonos.
- Oh, please!
- No!
I-I will give you a leetle start.
- No!
- But we are in deep space.
It's light years from anywhere.
There be nothing else to do.
You think I don't know that?
So, how we gonna keep from going crazy?
For you, my friend, it's way too late.
How about a Ping-Pong marathon?
Get a few buddies together.
Rogue nutters versus the Dwarfers.
We already do that.
You guys, you always win.
Crazy golf, then, the botanical gardens.
We'll give you a shot a hole.
Oh, yeah, like we stand a chance.
What's wrong with that?!
You be knowing all the burrows,
how to get in and out
the little windmills.
What else?
All right, tell you what.
A cooking contest.
Who can bake the most delicious cake -
we'll thrash you.
Not if it a choux pastry, you won't.
Ooh, choux pastry.
Big words, my demented friend.
What are we playing for?
- If I win...
- LISTER: Oh.
- BOTH: ...a duel across time and space.
- But if you win,
a great treasure,
the likes of which you have never seen.
A piece of old cloth?!
No, thanks, we've already got one.
Hey, it's a map.
A map the likes of which
you have never seen.
Everything's the likes of which
you've never seen with him.
- Do you doubt me?
- I'm just sayin',
you'd be surprised
the likes of which we have seen.
Don't be so quick to say everything's
the likes of which we haven't seen.
We've seen things the likes of which
you probably haven't seen yourself.
Is that a challenge?
BOTH: No duels!
The map, it show
everything in this galaxy -
every wormhole,
every derelict, every planet.
Where d'you get this?
I steal from a Simulant Death Ship.
Hm, you don't wanna mess
with those guys. They're deranged.
Once you cross them,
they hunt you down.
Not me. I steal while they slumber.
I clever as a hedgehog.
Look out!
(ALARM BLARES)
- (AIR WHOOSHES)
- The hull's cracked!
Sorry to intrude, sir.
Is now a good time to clean your quarters?
Certainly looks like
it could do with a good tidy.
Oh! Sorry, sir,
I didn't realise you had company.
I'll rework my schedule.
Sorry to intrude again, sir.
When is a good time for my lesson
on human modes of speech?
Oh, now's an excellent time, Kryten.
Come in, take a seat.
Oh, what fun, sir! That's sarcasm, right?
You see? I am getting the hang of it.
There's a ship outside.
They're attacking us.
He's sealed the crack.
- We've gotta get out of here.
- We can't just leave him.
RIMMER: Watch me.
- What's that?
- Oh, nothing.
Look, I'll be back.
I don't know how, I don't know when.
You abandon me?
Then I have no choice.
I challenge you to a duel...
Oh, what's the point?
(ALARM BLARES)
What the hell's going on?
Who's doing this?
Kryten, scan the local vicinity
for any anomalous energy patterns.
Everything's down, sir. We're on EPS.
Trying to reboot.
So, let me get this right.
We're being attacked by somethin'
but we don't know what,
and there's no way
of finding out what's out there?
- I have a suggestion, sirs.
- What?
How about we look out of the window?
Sometimes the old ways are the best ways.
Do it.
What, me, sir? On my own?
Of course on your own.
I love solo missions! I'm on my way, sir.
(RUMBLING)
Would you like a written report, sir,
or under these special circumstances,
would a verbal account suffice?
Get on with it, man! What's out there?
A rogue Simulant Death Ship, sir.
A Death Ship?
- Yes, sir.
- Should we be concerned?
Concern would be an entirely appropriate
response under these circumstances, sir.
What d'you think they want?
Although the Death Ship didn't indicate
the exact nature of their business, sir,
I'm guessing
it's something a bit...deathy.
They must have been tracking Hogey.
- Finding us is just a bonus.
- CAT: Simulants!
These are the guys
who despise humans, right?
The ones who won't rest until
they've annihilated every single one.
Correct, sir.
Not me, then. Excellent!
I'll be in the rec room, reading
this month's copy of I'm OK! Magazine.
Make no mistake, sir - they will see us
all as Mr Lister's lieutenants.
They will show us no mercy.
Death Ships are captained
by special berserker generals
who've been crossbred
to create an insane
biomechanical entity...
of pure evil.
My Dominator, forgive me, I implore you.
The Earth one remains alive.
Forgiveness is a human quality,
Chancellor.
It has no meaning to a Simulant general.
You know what you must do.
(GULPS)
(GROANS)
Ooh.
Nuhh.
(GROANS)
Uhh!
Ohh! Uh.
Firstly...
polish my Sword of Spite...
...as a punishment for your idiocy...
Polish?
Yes. Polish.
As a punishment for your idiocy.
Secondly...
- Just polish?
- Yes, just polish!
Secondly...
write me a formal letter of apology.
So, you just want me to polish your sword
and write a letter?
Yes.
- Nothing else?
- Nothing else.
So, you don't want me to, er...
ooh, I don't know, er,
commit hari-kari or anything?
Of course not!
(SQUELCHING)
(DRIPPING)
Well, sir, that wasn't made very clear.
Er, when you slid the sword
across the table,
I naturally assumed
you wanted me to commit hari-kari.
- No, I do not!
- Oh, I know that now, sir.
Before, though, it was just...
you know, it was a bit ambiguous.
Er...
I think a new system is in order.
I'm gonna go now, sir.
Er... My Dominator,
thank you.
Ooh.
Uhh.
Oh, Chancellor.
You do have a tendency
to jump to conclusions.
Let this be a little lesson to you.
Oh.
Oh...
That bit looks important.
(CHUCKLES DARKLY)
Hang on, hang on.
Do you know how to work that?
It's got lots of different settings,
but yeah.
- Thought not.
- What the hell just happened?
What the hell is this thing?
CAT: It's a wibbly gun.
It makes things go all... (ROLLS TONGUE)
...wibblified.
It appears to destabilise the
molecular structure of solid objects, sir.
- His version was clearer.
- Come on. Cargo bay.
Let's get to Blue Midget and CB3.
- (BEEPING)
- LISTER: Rimmer, what is that?
It's a holo-lamp, isn't it, sir.
It plays holo-messages.
My father gave it to me when I was a boy.
He told me to play it the day I become
an officer and join the Space Corps,
the day I become a somebody.
So, never been played, right?
- And it shan't be until I'm an officer.
- Come on, let's go!
Death Ship and three Annihilators
at 6 o'clock, sirs.
Question. Can we stay ahead of them?
Only if we have enough fuel, sir.
Two, maybe three hours.
Asteroid field 80 clicks west.
Maybe offer some cover.
I'm taking her in.
KRYTEN: According to the readouts,
quadrant two, vector four.
- We can hide in that asteroid.
- CAT: Take us in!
My Dominator, I am afraid
the human insurgents have escaped.
Er, they've flown into an asteroid field.
That is totally unacceptable!
I agree, My Dominator.
The security forces have been shambolic.
- Those responsible should be agonised.
- I-I agree also.
- And I.
- And I.
- And I.
- And I also.
Oh, I refuse to be surrounded
by these toadying sycophants.
- I agree, My Dominator.
- I agree also.
- And I.
- And I.
- And I.
- And I also.
I want each member of my council
to think for themselves,
not just agree with my every word and whim
out of some pathetic boot-trembling terror
for self-preservation.
Question my judgements.
Debate me, yeah?
Only then will we be truly strong.
But-but, Dominator,
that simply isn't true.
I mean, the last person
to contradict you was...
- Kill him.
- What?!
Do you see what I mean?
Now, find the ship!
Ow...
It appears
they've surrounded the asteroid belt
and are sending in probes
to locate our position.
It's only a matter of time
before they find us.
So, what's our next move?
Shall I go slip into something
more appropriate, like, say, a coffin?
Is that it? We're all gonna die?
Well, you're all going to die.
I'm already dead.
I had the sense
to get dying out of the way early.
For years, you mocked me.
Not laughing now, are you?
Oh, yeah, cos being dead
is such an advantage here(!)
- It is an advantage.
- How's it an advantage?
I was killed instantly, Lister -
painless, quick and stylish.
What's that coming down the corridor?
Ooh, it looks like a radiation leak.
Wham, dead.
Not perfect, I'll grant you,
but at least it wasn't embarrassing.
Embarrassing?
No weeping, getting hysterical.
Not one of those deaths where
you lose control of your bodily functions,
your bowels clearing all over the place.