Smega-Drive

by Ganymede & Titan

Series XI - Samsara - All scenes



(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)


Five. One, two, three, four, five. Fuel.


Well?


Hmm. What to do, what to do?


(YAWNS)


"Free fuel, get refuel
for free and throw again."


Let's see.


How come you keep getting great cards?


- It's a mystery, isn't it?
- (DICE CLINKING IN CUP)


I've never been
beaten at Mine-opoly, Lister.


Undefeated since birth.


In the Space Scouts, my game play was
so legendary they called me Minotaur.


Is that 'cause you were
half a man who was full of bull?


Because I was like the mythological
beast that no one could pass.


Well, you'd better not throw
a two and a one then, Rimmer.


Throw a two and a one
and land on my space station,


and your bank is rupted, baby.


Lister, I'm not going to throw a two
and a one, the odds of that are...


(BEEPING)


18-to-1, it's not happening.


I win.


You can't complain about
anything I do for an entire week.


I remember the deal.


I win, I can move my lips when I read,


I can leave pizza on the floor
so that you step in it,


I can even snore
like an inebriated warthog


and you can't throw
frozen onion bhajis at me.


The good times are gonna roll.


Lister, there's only
gonna be one winner here...


And that's vĂ´tres truly.


And when I do, as agreed,


you are going to wear
an evening gown day and night


until you can play James Last's
Polka Party on the bagpipes.


Here we go,
anything but a two and a one.


- A two and a one, come to Daddy.
- No willing it.


I'm willing it,
I'm allowed to will it, I'm willing it.


Stop willing it, you're good
at willing it, no willing it.


Come on.


It doesn't count, it doesn't count,


one of the dice came off the table.
Re-throw required.


It doesn't count, I used my hands,
an illegal move, naughty me.


Re-throw required.


5,382-to-1, no chance.


You couldn't make this up.


Wait.


(THROWING DICE)


You throw.


Swap chairs.


Throw.


Do you now accept that you threw a two
and a one and you lost this game?


Okay, I accept it.


(ANGRILY) Just lucky for you
I'm such a good loser!


- Hey.
- (BUTTONS BEEPING)


This green blinky thing,
we any idea what it is yet?


It's an escape pod, sir,


and it seems to be emitting
an unclassified energy field


that's causing minute disruptions
to everything in the local vicinity.


Pretty much as I figured then.


Talk in English, would you?
I'm not fluent in gibberish.


WOMAN: This is the SS Samsara
escape pod, Ident 12/Beta 2,


can you read me? Over.


Yes, we copy. Ident 12/Beta 2.


This is very important, you must...


What happened? Did we lose the link?


No matter, sir, I'll remote control
the pod into the Cargo Bay.


MMmm.


Who eats ice cream in bed?


- It's just utterly...
- Uh-uh. Uh-uh.


No complaining.


And no complaining about not being
able to complain about not complaining.


An entire week without
being moaned at by you.


It doesn't get better than this.


Do you know what
the difference is between you and me?


I can't store
hand luggage in me nostrils?


I am cursed.


I remember the day it happened.


I was nine years old,
and this busker claimed


he was an alien who wanted
to sell me some lucky space dust.


Even at nine I was no fool,
I knew he was real.


But all I had was my hover fare to get
me home from baton twirling practise.


And as I walked off,
he cursed me for life


and I've never had any luck since.


It was just some homeless bloke,
Rimmer, trying to make a buck,


you can't take
things like that seriously.


Smeg happens, you just roll with it.


I've been rolling in smeg
my whole damn life, Lister.


Don't lecture me about smeg rolling.


I never get the breaks.


Oh, here we go, whereas you...


- Whereas you...
- Lead a charmed life.


Lead a charmed life.
Well, it's true, you do.


I'm alone in deep space with you,
how charmed is that?


The crew got wiped out,
you survived, that's charmed.


I survived to live the rest of
my life with you, not charmed.


I'm dead, how unlucky is that?


You're dead, but you're still
talking! To me, how unlucky is that?


KRYTEN: Bing bong.


Sorry, sirs, the bing-bong machine
is being serviced this evening.


I'm afraid we're on manual.


Sorry to disturb, but we've salvaged
an escape pod with two survivors,


one Colonel Jim Green
and one Professor Rachel Barker.


We're just about to open the booth


and take them to the science room
for debriefing.


Message ends. Bing bong.


Acting Senior
Commanding Officer Arnold J. Rimmer,


an absolute pleasure to meet you.


Sir, Colonel Green and Professor Barker.


They're dead.


Hey, the medical reports aren't in yet,
we shouldn't jump to conclusions.


We spoke to Barker
then the link went down.


When we opened the pod,
we discovered this.


What happened?


Well, they appear to
have been vaporised, sir.


Quite how and why we're not sure.


What do we know about them?


Well, the log tells us that Green


was the ship's human
exploration and mission director.


Barker was a computer scientist,


they were both married,
but not to each other.


Surprising, they look like
they'd be the perfect match.


What became of the ship
the escape pod escaped from?


The SS Samsara.


Have we any idea what happened to that?


Well, judging from
the pod's flight recorder


and the fact that there's no wreckage,


we believe the ship must've
crashed onto this ocean moon.


It seems to me we should do two things.


One, scatter the ashes
and two, find this ship.


(SNEEZES)


Onto two then, find this ship.


LISTER: So, what are
we hoping to find here?


Faster-than-light drive,
quantum computer.


Well, to be honest,
I'd settle for a bubble gum dispenser.


Wow.


I wonder what happened
to Barker and Green.


Wrist, please? Thank you.


Wrist, please?


Sirs, Professor Barker
reporting for duty.


Welcome to the Samsara, Professor.


- This is my colleague Colonel Green.
- Barker.


We were both stationed on Cacos 12, sir.


Ah, Cacos 12. Of course, yes.


We discovered my wife attended
the same college as your husband.


- Yeah.
- I must get on,


I'll catch up with you later, Jim.


Now, remind me, you were
a computer scientist specialising in...


What was it again?


(GIGGLES) I've missed you so much.


I thought you would
never get the transfer.


Nor me.


Let's go to my quarters.


Look at this dust.


I love dust.


After fluff,
it's my all-time favourite dirt.


CAT: Do you have any idea what
caused this crate to crash?


Nothing yet, sir.


It's a state-of-the-art research ship
with self-repairing engine parts.


Crashing should've
been out of the question.


What's this?


Well, I can see why they crashed.


Tell me about it.


How can you fly a space ship and at
the exact same time all play Twister?


I don't think it was Twister
they were playing.


Not properly, that's for sure.


Twister is a three-player game,
everyone here's just waded right in.


Hey, wait your turn, buddy,
what's the rush?


This is worse than
fresher's week at art school.


How did they die like this?
It doesn't make sense.


According to the SI scan,
they were flash-heated to death.


An instant blast of extreme
temperature killing them instantly


but preserving their body positions.


Spooky.


Agreed, sir.


A cold chill has just
run straight down my spine.


That was me, I just spilt
some lager down your back.


(SYSTEM POWERS ON)


Who turned that on?


The mainframe probably detected us.


Check this.


Hmm.


According to his dog tag,
this man was the captain, Tom Kadri.


Indecipherable gibberish.


What kind of writing's that? GELF?


Looks like Welsh after about 15 pints.


Strange, that dialect
is not on my database.


Maybe it is Welsh after about 15 pints.


I wonder.


Sir, do you mind sitting down?


What, me?


Dictation on.


- Permission to strangle you, sir?
- What?


Granted.


(GROANING)


So, maybe, the captain was strangled
by this person here who's been stabbed.


Perhaps the next hub will offer a clue.


Thanks for that, Kryten,
very well explained.


Jim, I'm so sorry I'm late.


It's all right, it's only been an hour.


I think I must've eaten
some bad fish last night,


I've been feeling really ill.


Shall we go to your place?


(GROANS)


- Oh. What happened to your back?
- Herniated disc.


I've been having
the worst luck recently.


(WHIRRING)


Nothing of interest here,
let's try the next one.


Look at this, a one-armed bandit.
How cool is this?


I need a coin.


I'm an orphan, ain't I?


Why can't I take money
from the orphan fund?


- Are you really gonna take it?
- Who's gonna know?


Only you... and your conscience.


Forever.


Just relax, would you?


(CRANKS MACHINE)


(MACHINE BEEPING)


(COINS CLANKING)


- Ooh. What was that?
- What was what?


Something just dripped
on my head from the ceiling.


- Where?
- Up there, I think.


(GRUNTING)


What the hell is happening?


Get me out of this thing!


I'll get something to cut it.


Don't move.


Like I'm going to move.


Sorry.


(GRUNTING)


I saved you, bud.


(SCREAMS)


Don't move.


I got a knife in my foot,
you think I can move?


I'm just going to ease it out.


- Ease it out, right?
- Nice and easy.


And you're not just saying that
to make me relax


cause you think the best thing to
do is to jerk that sucker out of there


with one big-ass yank?


(SCREAMS)


I had no choice,
it was the only way to get it out.


- (SYSTEM POWERING DOWN)
- Huh?


CAT: I think I've gone blind!


It must be something to do with my foot.


I got foot and eye disease.


Cat, relax man, it's just a power cut.


What a relief.


For a second there,
I thought I'd never see myself again.


Plus, having to
choose an outfit everyday


that matches your guide dog.


Don't even go there.


(DOOR WHOOSHING SHUT)


- What was that?
- The door's locking?


Sir, the doors are double-sealed,
we'll never get through.


So what do we do?


I suggest we head for the next chamber


and see if there's an access port
back to the main hub.


- Where's your torch?
- I left it in the other chamber.


LISTER: I left mine too,
I can't see a thing.


Give my eyes a minute to adjust.


Oh, wow.


What? They're readjusting?
What do you see?


CAT: That it's really dark.


Can't you see that?


Of course I can see that, you smegger,
but you can see in the dark, right?


With your super see-ey
cat's eyes, right?


And you can swing from trees, right?


With your super swinging
monkey arms, right?


- We evolved.
- So did we!


Who would evolve
so that they can't see in the dark?


Who evolves so
you can't swing from trees?


You'd never be late for anything.


LISTER: Kryten, Rimmer, help!


I suppose we just got to sit tight.


I'm going to fix my foot.


I'll get the first aid kit,
you just sit down.


(GROANS)


(CLATTERING)


I can't see a thing.


- (SHIP RUMBLING)
- Ooh!


What the hell was that?