Series XI - Samsara - All scenes
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Five. One, two, three, four, five. Fuel.
Well?
Hmm. What to do, what to do?
(YAWNS)
"Free fuel, get refuel
for free and throw again."
Let's see.
How come you keep getting great cards?
- It's a mystery, isn't it?
- (DICE CLINKING IN CUP)
I've never been
beaten at Mine-opoly, Lister.
Undefeated since birth.
In the Space Scouts, my game play was
so legendary they called me Minotaur.
Is that 'cause you were
half a man who was full of bull?
Because I was like the mythological
beast that no one could pass.
Well, you'd better not throw
a two and a one then, Rimmer.
Throw a two and a one
and land on my space station,
and your bank is rupted, baby.
Lister, I'm not going to throw a two
and a one, the odds of that are...
(BEEPING)
18-to-1, it's not happening.
I win.
You can't complain about
anything I do for an entire week.
I remember the deal.
I win, I can move my lips when I read,
I can leave pizza on the floor
so that you step in it,
I can even snore
like an inebriated warthog
and you can't throw
frozen onion bhajis at me.
The good times are gonna roll.
Lister, there's only
gonna be one winner here...
And that's vôtres truly.
And when I do, as agreed,
you are going to wear
an evening gown day and night
until you can play James Last's
Polka Party on the bagpipes.
Here we go,
anything but a two and a one.
- A two and a one, come to Daddy.
- No willing it.
I'm willing it,
I'm allowed to will it, I'm willing it.
Stop willing it, you're good
at willing it, no willing it.
Come on.
It doesn't count, it doesn't count,
one of the dice came off the table.
Re-throw required.
It doesn't count, I used my hands,
an illegal move, naughty me.
Re-throw required.
5,382-to-1, no chance.
You couldn't make this up.
Wait.
(THROWING DICE)
You throw.
Swap chairs.
Throw.
Do you now accept that you threw a two
and a one and you lost this game?
Okay, I accept it.
(ANGRILY) Just lucky for you
I'm such a good loser!
- Hey.
- (BUTTONS BEEPING)
This green blinky thing,
we any idea what it is yet?
It's an escape pod, sir,
and it seems to be emitting
an unclassified energy field
that's causing minute disruptions
to everything in the local vicinity.
Pretty much as I figured then.
Talk in English, would you?
I'm not fluent in gibberish.
WOMAN: This is the SS Samsara
escape pod, Ident 12/Beta 2,
can you read me? Over.
Yes, we copy. Ident 12/Beta 2.
This is very important, you must...
What happened? Did we lose the link?
No matter, sir, I'll remote control
the pod into the Cargo Bay.
MMmm.
Who eats ice cream in bed?
- It's just utterly...
- Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
No complaining.
And no complaining about not being
able to complain about not complaining.
An entire week without
being moaned at by you.
It doesn't get better than this.
Do you know what
the difference is between you and me?
I can't store
hand luggage in me nostrils?
I am cursed.
I remember the day it happened.
I was nine years old,
and this busker claimed
he was an alien who wanted
to sell me some lucky space dust.
Even at nine I was no fool,
I knew he was real.
But all I had was my hover fare to get
me home from baton twirling practise.
And as I walked off,
he cursed me for life
and I've never had any luck since.
It was just some homeless bloke,
Rimmer, trying to make a buck,
you can't take
things like that seriously.
Smeg happens, you just roll with it.
I've been rolling in smeg
my whole damn life, Lister.
Don't lecture me about smeg rolling.
I never get the breaks.
Oh, here we go, whereas you...
- Whereas you...
- Lead a charmed life.
Lead a charmed life.
Well, it's true, you do.
I'm alone in deep space with you,
how charmed is that?
The crew got wiped out,
you survived, that's charmed.
I survived to live the rest of
my life with you, not charmed.
I'm dead, how unlucky is that?
You're dead, but you're still
talking! To me, how unlucky is that?
KRYTEN: Bing bong.
Sorry, sirs, the bing-bong machine
is being serviced this evening.
I'm afraid we're on manual.
Sorry to disturb, but we've salvaged
an escape pod with two survivors,
one Colonel Jim Green
and one Professor Rachel Barker.
We're just about to open the booth
and take them to the science room
for debriefing.
Message ends. Bing bong.
Acting Senior
Commanding Officer Arnold J. Rimmer,
an absolute pleasure to meet you.
Sir, Colonel Green and Professor Barker.
They're dead.
Hey, the medical reports aren't in yet,
we shouldn't jump to conclusions.
We spoke to Barker
then the link went down.
When we opened the pod,
we discovered this.
What happened?
Well, they appear to
have been vaporised, sir.
Quite how and why we're not sure.
What do we know about them?
Well, the log tells us that Green
was the ship's human
exploration and mission director.
Barker was a computer scientist,
they were both married,
but not to each other.
Surprising, they look like
they'd be the perfect match.
What became of the ship
the escape pod escaped from?
The SS Samsara.
Have we any idea what happened to that?
Well, judging from
the pod's flight recorder
and the fact that there's no wreckage,
we believe the ship must've
crashed onto this ocean moon.
It seems to me we should do two things.
One, scatter the ashes
and two, find this ship.
(SNEEZES)
Onto two then, find this ship.
LISTER: So, what are
we hoping to find here?
Faster-than-light drive,
quantum computer.
Well, to be honest,
I'd settle for a bubble gum dispenser.
Wow.
I wonder what happened
to Barker and Green.
Wrist, please? Thank you.
Wrist, please?
Sirs, Professor Barker
reporting for duty.
Welcome to the Samsara, Professor.
- This is my colleague Colonel Green.
- Barker.
We were both stationed on Cacos 12, sir.
Ah, Cacos 12. Of course, yes.
We discovered my wife attended
the same college as your husband.
- Yeah.
- I must get on,
I'll catch up with you later, Jim.
Now, remind me, you were
a computer scientist specialising in...
What was it again?
(GIGGLES) I've missed you so much.
I thought you would
never get the transfer.
Nor me.
Let's go to my quarters.
Look at this dust.
I love dust.
After fluff,
it's my all-time favourite dirt.
CAT: Do you have any idea what
caused this crate to crash?
Nothing yet, sir.
It's a state-of-the-art research ship
with self-repairing engine parts.
Crashing should've
been out of the question.
What's this?
Well, I can see why they crashed.
Tell me about it.
How can you fly a space ship and at
the exact same time all play Twister?
I don't think it was Twister
they were playing.
Not properly, that's for sure.
Twister is a three-player game,
everyone here's just waded right in.
Hey, wait your turn, buddy,
what's the rush?
This is worse than
fresher's week at art school.
How did they die like this?
It doesn't make sense.
According to the SI scan,
they were flash-heated to death.
An instant blast of extreme
temperature killing them instantly
but preserving their body positions.
Spooky.
Agreed, sir.
A cold chill has just
run straight down my spine.
That was me, I just spilt
some lager down your back.
(SYSTEM POWERS ON)
Who turned that on?
The mainframe probably detected us.
Check this.
Hmm.
According to his dog tag,
this man was the captain, Tom Kadri.
Indecipherable gibberish.
What kind of writing's that? GELF?
Looks like Welsh after about 15 pints.
Strange, that dialect
is not on my database.
Maybe it is Welsh after about 15 pints.
I wonder.
Sir, do you mind sitting down?
What, me?
Dictation on.
- Permission to strangle you, sir?
- What?
Granted.
(GROANING)
So, maybe, the captain was strangled
by this person here who's been stabbed.
Perhaps the next hub will offer a clue.
Thanks for that, Kryten,
very well explained.
Jim, I'm so sorry I'm late.
It's all right, it's only been an hour.
I think I must've eaten
some bad fish last night,
I've been feeling really ill.
Shall we go to your place?
(GROANS)
- Oh. What happened to your back?
- Herniated disc.
I've been having
the worst luck recently.
(WHIRRING)
Nothing of interest here,
let's try the next one.
Look at this, a one-armed bandit.
How cool is this?
I need a coin.
I'm an orphan, ain't I?
Why can't I take money
from the orphan fund?
- Are you really gonna take it?
- Who's gonna know?
Only you... and your conscience.
Forever.
Just relax, would you?
(CRANKS MACHINE)
(MACHINE BEEPING)
(COINS CLANKING)
- Ooh. What was that?
- What was what?
Something just dripped
on my head from the ceiling.
- Where?
- Up there, I think.
(GRUNTING)
What the hell is happening?
Get me out of this thing!
I'll get something to cut it.
Don't move.
Like I'm going to move.
Sorry.
(GRUNTING)
I saved you, bud.
(SCREAMS)
Don't move.
I got a knife in my foot,
you think I can move?
I'm just going to ease it out.
- Ease it out, right?
- Nice and easy.
And you're not just saying that
to make me relax
cause you think the best thing to
do is to jerk that sucker out of there
with one big-ass yank?
(SCREAMS)
I had no choice,
it was the only way to get it out.
- (SYSTEM POWERING DOWN)
- Huh?
CAT: I think I've gone blind!
It must be something to do with my foot.
I got foot and eye disease.
Cat, relax man, it's just a power cut.
What a relief.
For a second there,
I thought I'd never see myself again.
Plus, having to
choose an outfit everyday
that matches your guide dog.
Don't even go there.
(DOOR WHOOSHING SHUT)
- What was that?
- The door's locking?
Sir, the doors are double-sealed,
we'll never get through.
So what do we do?
I suggest we head for the next chamber
and see if there's an access port
back to the main hub.
- Where's your torch?
- I left it in the other chamber.
LISTER: I left mine too,
I can't see a thing.
Give my eyes a minute to adjust.
Oh, wow.
What? They're readjusting?
What do you see?
CAT: That it's really dark.
Can't you see that?
Of course I can see that, you smegger,
but you can see in the dark, right?
With your super see-ey
cat's eyes, right?
And you can swing from trees, right?
With your super swinging
monkey arms, right?
- We evolved.
- So did we!
Who would evolve
so that they can't see in the dark?
Who evolves so
you can't swing from trees?
You'd never be late for anything.
LISTER: Kryten, Rimmer, help!
I suppose we just got to sit tight.
I'm going to fix my foot.
I'll get the first aid kit,
you just sit down.
(GROANS)
(CLATTERING)
I can't see a thing.
- (SHIP RUMBLING)
- Ooh!
What the hell was that?
The ship's slipping into the mush.
We're gonna die, I just know it!
How come you're so damn chill?
We've got to stay cool, haven't we?
Don't want the ship sliding any more.
We'll sit tight here, fix your foot,
wait for the others to find us
and then we'll get out of town.
You're right. Stay calm.
We got food, water, everything we need.
You and me, we could survive in
here for days, weeks, months even.
Just the two of us.
Kryten!
Sir, are you okay?
I think so.
What is that?
I believe it's a Karma Drive, sir.
A what?
It's based on the old Justice World tech
where the pain
an individual inflicts on another
is redirected back on them,
with one important difference.
The Karma Drive has two modes,
a punishment setting
and a reward setting.
What's the point of that?
They were designed
for long-haul space missions.
They were intended to promote teamwork,
reward kindness,
understanding and ethical behaviour.
So how does it work exactly?
Well, it creates a karma field that
analyses behaviour
and then manipulates reality
to reward or punish.
So when you behave ethically,
the ship rewards you.
How?
Well, your coffee is fresh,
your shower is warm, your food is tasty.
But that doesn't make sense.
Morality changes
across time and cultures.
Once slavery was
an accepted way of life,
now it's considered repugnant.
Who decides what's immoral and moral?
Well, it's programmable, sir,
and that's what made the Karma Drive
such a dangerous piece of kit.
Anyone can implement
their moral code of their choice
and then force others to live by it.
I wonder if that's what happened to me
on Red Dwarf when I lost at Mine-opoly.
Did Red Dwarf
enter the Karma Drive's field?
Was the drive
manipulating the dice somehow?
I don't understand, sir.
I threw a two and a one seven times
in a row, what are the odds of that?
62 million-to-one, sir.
About the same odds
as being killed by a tangerine.
Why punish me?
I wasn't doing anything wrong.
Kryten, this Karma Drive
is too unpredictable,
we've got to get out of here pronto.
Sir, there is no cause for alarm,
we're under no danger
as long as we don't do anything
vindictive, selfish or unethical.
Kryten, we're in big trouble.
Sir, you just have to be nice to me.
Big, big trouble.
The Karma Drive report has
just come down from central ops
and it doesn't make
for pleasant reading.
You both have committed
a whole range of misdemeanours.
There's a Karma Drive on board?
Last week alone,
extra marital sex 18 times,
extra marital fondling 67 times,
extra marital licking
whipped cream off another's...
- We get the picture.
- It goes on.
You, Rachel, have lied this week
to your husband and others 93 times.
That's just not true.
94 times.
You've been unkind 20 times,
criticised others 40 times
and not said thank you twice?!
Captain, we're in love.
When you signed up
for this tour of duty, you agreed
to abide by the moral code
selected for this ship.
So, we're all supposed
to live the MegaCorp dream?
Where the married stay married
and sons call their fathers "sir"
and everyone eats
lots of homemade apple pie?
You got it, so start squirting
your whipped cream on apple pie
and not on one another's body parts.
Hey, good job on the foot, bud.
Yeah, I even managed to save the boot.
We've got to think of
a way to get out of here.
Ah, just give me like 10 minutes.
I bet I come up with a plan.
I get great ideas all the time.
I just don't say 'em out loud.
You say everything you think out loud.
I'm like that inventor guy,
that begins with "R".
Rosenthal? Sidney Rosenthal?
- Who?
- Invented the magic marker.
Magic marker?
The guy I'm talking about is real.
He ain't no wizard out
of a book with his magic pen.
Inventor guy? Begins with "R"...
I got it, I got it!
The inventor guy
I'm like, it begins with "R".
- Who?
- Archimedes.
Archimedes.
The guy that sat under
trees and invented stuff.
- That was Newton.
- You never heard this story?
So, one day Archimedes
is sitting under a tree,
then, all of a sudden out of nowhere,
this bath hits him on the head, pow!
And he gets up, shouts, "Formica!"
and invents gravy.
It was Newton who was sat under
the tree and he discovered gravity
when he got hit on the head by an apple.
An apple can't concuss ya.
That ain't gonna
make you stagger around
shout, "Formica!" and invent gravy.
Formica is a heat-resistant,
wipe-clean, plastic laminate.
Who'd shout "Formica"?
It doesn't make any sense,
no one shouts, "Formica".
You get hit on the head with a bath,
everyone shouts, "Formica!"
Look, Archimedes discovered
something to do with water displacement
when he was sat in the bath
and he shouted, "Eureka!"
So, Mr Alan Einstein...
Answer me this, who invented gravy?
No one?
Did it just magically appear one day
like your stupid wizard pen?
I'm going to have some painkillers.
Okay, listen.
Answer me this,
how does a bath fall out of a tree?
A plane, dummy.
Taking off. They probably
forgot to shut the back door
and the bath slipped
all the way from First Class,
whoosh, through
the curtains into Business,
whoosh, through
the curtains into Premium,
whoosh, through the curtains
and straight into
the poor people section.
Coincidentally, probably still
haven't even had a bag of peanuts,
while the dudes in First
have already eaten,
watched the movie
and are all now having a bath.
Meanwhile, Archi is sitting
under his tree?
Clang, invents gravy.
Then, because everyone's so damn happy
because everyone loves gravy, right?
They gave him a special hat to wear
at night to cover up the bruising.
Special hat?
They gave him a knighthood.
A knighthood.
Not a special hat to wear
at night to cover up the bruising.
Man, I try to teach you stuff,
I don't know why I bother.
What's that saying?
You can lead a hearse to water,
but you can't make it sink.
Kryten!
Help!
(SHIP RUMBLING)
720 meters, sir,
the ship's nearly at crush depth.
The Karma Drive
is controlling everything on board.
We have to be kind to one another
to stand any chance
to save Mr Lister and Mr Cat.
An excellent suggestion, Kryten,
that's very insightful of you
to make such a helpful recommendation
and I thank you greatly.
- (CRACKLING)
- Aah!
Static.
I was complimenting you.
Why did it punish me?
Well, perhaps, it wasn't genuine, sir.
I've got to be genuinely nice?
Oh, this is impossible.
(BEEPING)
- Oh, dear.
- What?
I think I know
what killed the crew, sir.
The ship's quantum motherboards
are power loading
to flash-heat the ship.
We're gonna get flash-heated?
- How long have we got?
- I'm not sure, sir.
Why am I asking you?
Someone with a head
shaped like something produced
in a geriatric's pottery class.
(POWERING DOWN)
Oh!
The power loading has stopped, sir.
The temperature's cooling?
- Why?
- Of course, that's it.
(LAUGHS)
Man, she was the greatest
soldier in history,
led her people to victory.
Julie Caesar?
Kryten, thank God!
Thank God.
No one should have to suffer like this.
He's right,
if I wasn't there for him to talk to,
he'd probably have gone crazy.
Kryten, man, it's so good to see you.
- Sir, stop!
- Stop what?
You stand there with
your 1970s cover band haircut
and I say to you don't be nice to me.
(GROANS)
We know what happened to Barker.
(GROANS)
And Green.
What happened to you?
Your hair's insane.
I went to the ship salon for a makeover.
Look what the robo-stylist did to me.
Yeah, similar thing
happened to me at the dentist.
Every chance it gets,
the Karma Drive is punishing us,
the showers are freezing,
the air-con's icy,
I had to wait two hours yesterday...
(RETCHING)
Have you tasted the food?
Jim, I can't take this anymore.
- We've got no choice.
- Yes, we do.
I am a computer scientist
for God's sakes.
If I can access the KD's mainframe,
then perhaps I can reverse the protocol,
give us some respite,
even if it is only for one night.
Reverse?
So, it rewards the unethical
and punishes the good?
Just the one night,
then we'll stop seeing each other
till we get back home.
Barker and Green reversed the protocols
and, as a consequence,
good behaviour was punished
and immoral behaviour was rewarded.
Kryten just figured it out,
saved all our necks.
Kryten, if you weren't so ugly,
I could kiss you.
Well, you could shake my hand, sir.
Still too ugly.
(POWERING UP)
You see? Unkindness rewarded.
This is all beginning to make sense.
I mean, think back. I mean, the Cat
nicked the money out of the orphan fund
to play the one-armed bandit.
And I won the jackpot.
You were rewarded for stealing.
And I put the winnings
back into the orphan can
and got me locks caught in a shredder.
You were punished for being benevolent.
I saved him and got a knife in my foot.
I fixed his foot...
And he got to spend
quality time with me.
Moving swiftly on.
Who reversed the protocols and why?
Well, best guess, Green and
Barker were having an affair
and wanted to spend time together.
How sad is that?
I mean, basically their love for one
another brought down the entire ship.
One thing I don't understand.
Well, actually there are about
40 things I don't understand.
How come Green and Barker weren't
flash-heated with the rest of the crew?
While the rest of the crew
survived by acting immorally,
Green and Barker
realised they could escape
so long as that escape was unethical.
So they took the ship's
only escape pod and fled.
And then they went into
cryo-sleep for millions of years.
Where they were safe.
But when they tried to
warn us about the karma field,
an act of kindness...
The Karma Drive had them vaporised.
So where does that leave us?
It leaves us getting
the hell out of here really carefully.
We just have to remember
to avoid being honest,
moral, kind, selfless and helpful.
It's not fair,
you've got such an advantage.
Hey, what's that?
"Fuel tax, miss three goes."
Hey, how come you got so many
Mine-opoly cards in your pocket?
# It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere
# I'm all alone, more or less
# Let me fly far away from here
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# I want to lie,
shipwrecked and comatose
# Drinking fresh mango juice
# Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun #
