Smega-Drive
by Ganymede & Titan
Series XII - Timewave - All scenes
(WHOOSHING)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(THAT ONE HOWARD GOODALL CUE THEY KEEP USING)
RIMMER: As we stand here this morning
in an unknown galaxy
on the outer reaches of the solar system
and I claim this planetoid,
rich in Helium-7,
on behalf of
the Jupiter Mining Corporation,
it is only fitting we remember
the generations that came before us.
It is to their memory, their greatness,
their infinite glorious accomplishments,
that I humbly name this moon "Rimmer".
In the same spirit of benevolence,
I've also graciously agreed to lend
my name to the star this moon orbits,
which from this moment on,
will be known as "Sunny Rim".
Gentlemen, to Rimmer,
a moon rich in Helium-7,
the most valuable gas in the universe.
LISTER: To Rimmer... so full of gas.
KRYTEN: Sirs, there appears to be
some kind of solar storm
coming in from the west?
You should engage skedaddle mode.
But the Helium-7. We need to mine it.
- (RADIO CRACKLES)
- KRYTEN: There's no time, sir.
But Helium-7's incredibly scarce.
It's rarer than an ungroped bottom
at the BBC in the 1970s.
It's worth a fortune.
If we ever get back to Earth
in the 23rd century,
I'll get a finder's fee.
One hour, that's all I'm asking.
Bud, can't you see,
if you're hanging around here
when that storm's brewing
you're gonna get wiped.
I'm begging you, stay!
I'll still be rich
beyond my wildest dreams just with this.
Don't worry, I won't change.
LISTER: And that's the tragedy of it.
Check this. That's no solar storm.
What the hell is it?
It looks like a big,
wibbly-wobbly tidal wave thing
and it's heading straight for us.
I want a full Space Corp
verified diagnostic on that thing.
- Already printing, sir.
- Well? What is it?
It says, "It's a big,
wibbly-wobbly tidal wave thing
"and it's heading straight for us."
Here it comes!
(CRACKLING)
What the hell just happened?
People have had acid trips
that have made more sense than that.
I've had directions
from drunken Scots men
that have made more sense than that.
Any theories?
I believe the ship may have been hit
by a temporal wash
from a time wave, sir.
It's been what by a what from a what?
Much as a tsunami is caused by a large
displacement of water in the sea bed,
a time wave is created
by an imploding black hole,
causing space
time to contort into a series of waves.
Much as a what causes a what
into a series of what's?
Now, when the wave moves forward,
artefacts from the past
can be washed up into the present
and when the wave withdraws,
artefacts from the present
can be swept back into the past.
That sounds like a free ride
out of here. Show me where to stand.
Sir, whoever is hit
is likely to be swept in
to an uninhabitable part of deep space.
Quick! Show him where to stand.
We've got to avoid
this wave at all costs.
- How long before the next one?
- Impossible to predict.
- So what do we do if this wave shows up?
- We'll have to outrun it.
Maybe if we lost some weight.
Jettisoned some unnecessary cargo.
Go stand in the airlock
and leave the rest to me.
Wait, check this in vector four.
There's a ship
just shown up on the scans.
The SS Enconium.
They're from 24th century Earth
and their ship possesses
a faster than light drive.
Something's wrong.
They're locked on to a crash course
straight into the heart
of Planet Rimmer.
Are you serious? That's terrible.
Is Planet Rimmer going to be okay?
The impact is likely
to cause an explosion
which could well ignite the Helium-7.
And kill Planet Rimmer?
- And kill everything in this vicinity,
- Including Planet Rimmer?
Including everything!
We need to board that ship
and stop it crashing.
And save Planet Rimmer.
- And save the crew.
- And Planet Rimmer.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
This mechanoid is reversing.
(BEEPING)
This mechanoid is reversing.
(BEEPING)
How long before we dock, Kryts?
Just thirty minutes, sir.
So I thought now might be a good time
to share the intel
I've uncovered on the Enconium.
It appears they have
some rather strange laws.
Strange how?
On their ship, criticism is illegal.
A ship free of criticism,
what a place that must be.
A world where
no one is blamed or rebuked
and no one gets mocked or ridiculed.
That's what they say, but they'll never
hold out after they meet you.
You screw up and no one tells you.
What's the good in that?
That's easy for you to say, Lister,
but how would you feel
if you were ridiculed every day,
wedgied every night,
and sometimes even have your head
shoved down the toilet
and the chain pulled?
But we've stopped doing that now.
Six years old, my parents had to
send me to a different prep school
so I could get my confidence back.
Games weren't competitive
at St. Trembles.
So what did you do on Sport's Day?
Sports Day, 100 metres, you could run
in any direction you wanted.
Or paint a picture
or stay at home and watch TV.
And everyone got
a "You're Really Special" trophy
and a party bag.
Rimmer, you've got to roll with it.
You get knocked down,
you get back up again. You slug it out.
If I'd have got upset
with every bit of criticism I ever got,
where do you think I'd be now?
Not single, not podgy,
and probably not doomed to roam
deep space with a terrible haircut.
Sirs, please.
When we board the Enconium,
we must remember to respect their laws
and not criticise each other.
How long we gotta hold out?
- Just an hour, sir.
- A whole hour?
In that case you'd better pack earplugs
and six rolls of duct tape.
I wonder why the Enconium
made criticism illegal?
Well, according to their data banks,
they believe when people criticise,
they feel esteem-inflating superiority
which causes the pleasure chemical,
dopamine, to be released in the brain.
And dopamine's bad?
Too much dopamine
is like taking cocaine, sir.
It overexcites the receptors
between brain cells,
causing hyperactivity
and engorged self-worth.
So people who criticise
get high on criticism?
It seems they become addicted,
needing to criticise more and more
to produce the same original high.
This explains so much.
Junkie.
But criticism can be good, can't it?
I mean, it forces people
to become better.
Oh, not always, sir. Take you.
What about me?
Well, as a guitarist you've been
criticised, belittled, decried,
vilified, panned and slammed
your whole life.
- And your point is?
- You still utterly suck, sir.
No, I don't!
I mean, okay, fair play. Back in the day
I was a bit of a tone-deaf plucker,
but I took that criticism on board,
I dedicated myself to getting better,
and now, so long, Plucker,
hello, Davy "Three Chords."
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
"Joureny to the Stars"
Aw, look at that one.
Have they got little kids
on-board as well?
By First Lieutenant Edward Moore,
aged 34 and a half.
So everything these guys do,
no matter how garbage,
gets to go on the wall?
Just like at St. Trembles.
And the Tate Modern.
The frames aren't even straight.
I hate that.
Hey guys, check this.
...power of the moon you will learn
that we are all part of the tree of life
and on the tree you are a fruit.
# I am a fruit, a lovely fruit
Let me play the flute #
(PLAYING FLUTE)
Let me remind you, gentlemen,
what we're all thinking
right now is illegal here.
My friends.
A duct tape on stand by, sirs.
Welcome to our ship.
Now, my name is Ziggy Briceman.
Apologies for not returning
your handshake,
but our communication system
is being repaired
and the hairdressers
who are carrying out the work
haven't quite determined
what's wrong yet.
Oh, also, our lifts are being serviced
by the catering department,
so therefore to the stairs.
Wouldn't it be better if your lifts were
serviced by the lift service people?
Oh, unfortunately, they're all too busy
working in the hospital,
trying to figure out
why no one's getting better.
This way, my friends.
I don't know if you're aware,
but you've been washed up
three million years into deep space
and you're on a crash course
straight into a Helium-7 moon.
I love your accent.
It is cuter than a kitten
with a toilet roll.
Now, let me take you along to our diner
and then I'm gonna
hunt down our Captain. Okay?
This way.
What the hell's he doing?
Best guess, the Enconium crew
are encouraged to express themselves
without fear of scorn or ridicule.
Bring back scorn and ridicule,
that's what I say.
Sir, please.
Didn't we talk about
respecting other cultures?
When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
(BAND PLAYING OFF-KEY)
Hey, bud, you should stick around.
The Om song could go platinum here.
I love the atmosphere. It's so relaxing.
No one cares if you're right or wrong,
good or bad.
Maybe they're on to something.
I mean, take me, back in the day,
I misrepaired a drive plate
and killed over a thousand people.
Now, in our culture that sort of thing
is really frowned upon.
But here, you just move on.
Here's your coffee, sir.
Be careful it's very, very hot.
Argh!
Whoops-a-daisy.
She's just broiled my love spuds
and she doesn't even say sorry.
She's moved on.
Look at the state of me.
Okay, here we are.
I have one processed sausage
with sprouts in a radish jus,
and one warm goat salad.
We didn't order any food.
And we haven't ordered any drinks.
Though I wouldn't mind
ordering a fresh pair of testicles
cause these two are ruined.
Are you criticising me?
No, no, he's not criticising you, I am.
This food looks gross.
Critics! Help!
Let's get out of here.
Easter Island head's right.
Let's scoot while we still can.
Yeah, come on. Back to Starbug.
Nothing works here.
Especially the people.
(TANTRIC MUSIC PLAYING)
- Good evening, sir.
- Evening, Officer.
Do you know
why I've pulled you over, sir?
No, I haven't got a clue. No.
Been doing any criticising
this evening, sir?
Criticising? No, not at all. No.
It's just we've had a report
of some illegal castigation
in the diner this evening, sir.
What about you lads?
Been doing any criticising this evening?
(TOGETHER) No.
- Little bit of chiding perhaps?
- Chiding? No.
- How about blaming, sir?
- No.
Harping?
- Little bit of panning?
- No.
- Not even scoffing?
- Nothing.
You won't mind blowing into this
criticiser for me then, will you, sir?
You what?
Go on. Blow as hard as you can.
(BEEPING)
You've got a reading of 95, sir.
Is that good? Bad? What does that mean?
It means that your friend is
way over the criticism limit, sir.
I may have to take him down
to the station.
Now wait a minute.
- Are you telling me to wait, sir?
- Well, yes.
Implying I'm going too fast,
and therefore criticising me?
- Look...
- Are you telling me to look?
Insinuating that my attention
isn't focused in the correct direction,
- therefore implying that my focus...
- I'm not criticising you, okay?
Look, we're here to warn you that
you're ship is on a collision course
with a very important moon
called Planet Rimmer.
I'm going to let you off with a caution.
Caution? How dumb is this guy?
Hey, Lieutenant Asshole,
if you don't move
your dumb ass spaceship,
we're gonna we're gonna be flatter
than your wife's droopy ass titties.
Capisce??
- (FIRES)
- (GROANS)
(THUD)
Wait a minute. Why have you
taken his straitjacket off?
While he's in here,
he's not a danger to anyone, is he?
Well, he is to us.
No one cares about you.
Don't talk to him.
Don't make eye contact.
Pretend he's not here.
All right, mate, how you doing?
I been better. I'll tell you that.
- How long you in for?
- Life.
- What for?
- Tutting.
Tutting?
They drove me to it.
I'm in the queue,
in the canteen, queueing.
Finally, I get to the front,
my turn to get served
and they say,
"Sorry, love, we've just closed."
So I go...
(TUTS)
You just went... (TUTS)
...and you got life?
I just called that cop Lieutenant
Asshole, so what am I gonna get?
It don't bear thinking about.
They'll probably drain you.
What's that?
I'm not implying
there's anything wrong with draining,
it's probably really lovely.
What the hell are we going to do?
We've got to get out of here.
Get to the engine room
and get this ship off the crash course.
- And save Planet Rimmer.
- And save us.
Uh, sir, may I borrow one of your boots?
Kryten, my boots can't cause
diversions like they used to.
He wears Odor-Eaters now.
I'm looking for a soil sample, sir.
From that moon this morning.
The Helium-7?
Which I can then fuse with the deuterium
I have in
my isotope sample store in my arm