(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)
Three million years from Earth,
the mining ship Red Dwarf.
Its crew: Dave Lister,
the last human being alive;
Arnold Rimmer, a hologram
of his dead bunkmate,
and a creature who evolved
from the ship's cat. Message ends.
Additional,
Loneliness weighs heavily on us all.
Personally, the only thing that keeps me going
is the thought that we are over 60 billion
miles away from the nearest Berni Inn.
For a mild stomach upset, take one teaspoonful.
For acute indigestion, take two.
Well, a highly enjoyable meal all round.
Obviously, you can't expect perfection first time,
but I was quite delighted with
the way my dumplings went down.
Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings,
when they're properly cooked to perfection,
proper dumplings should not bounce.
True, but compared to what I thought
they were going to be like, they were quite... superb.
- So, how's the Cat?
- He's just sleeping off the stomach pump.
He'll be all right. The lamb was a bit of a flop, though.
The lamb? Everybody thought
the lamb was the cheese!
And that lemon meringue pie man, what was in that?
- I thought you liked that. You brought some back?
- Yeah, I wanted to try some out on my athlete's foot.
It's not easy, Lister, cooking... when you're dead,
you don't exist,
and you're made entirely of light.
That's your excuse for everything isn't it? Being dead?
I'm just trying to rehabilitate myself,
trying to do the everyday normal things
that most living people take for granted.
- You've got the skutters to help you.
- What? Pinky and smegging Perky?
What use are they?
It's like giving Blind Pew contact lenses.
- They only do what you tell them to.
- Ah, but they don't do they?
You say, "Keep an eye on that lamb,"
and they do, they sit there for three hours and watch it burn.
So, they've got no emotion, have they?
It's not built into their software.
Have you seen their broom cupboard?
It's full of pin-ups of John Wayne.
That cannot be right can it? Piled this high
with Film Fun magazines.
That's not the way spanners behave in my book.
Oi. What's happening, dudes?
- Hi, Hol.
- Guess what?
- (BOTH) What?
- Go on, have a guess.
- What is it vaguely about?
- No clues, just have a guess.
I knew you wouldn't get it.
- The post pod's arrived,
- What, the mail?!
It's been tracking us since we left Earth. Now we've turned round it's caught up.
Do you mean it's taken three million years?!
Yeah, that's about average
for second-class post.
(CAPS BANG)
See what I mean?
(STEREOTYPICAL WAR CRY)
There's everything here, all the mail,
entertainment cassettes a new batch of movies!
Yo, the new Friday 13th movie,
Friday 13th Part 1,649.
Look, Casablanca! They've re-made Casablanca.
Philistines! I mean how could you remake Casablanca?
The one starring Myra Binglebat
and Peter Beardsley was definitive.
Yeah, I saw that one. Knockout.
"Of all the space bars in all the worlds,
"you had to re-materialise in mine."
Look, a cassette of a whole year of Earth news here.
And two seasons of Zero-Gee football?
- I'll see you in the spring.
- Uh-uh-uh. What are total immersion video games?
Where?! Oh, these are brilliant!
You can't get hold of these for love nor money.
These are like Venus' arms.
These are like Brooke Shields' buttocks.
- What are they?
- Well, they're computer games, aren't they?
But electrodes are inserted
into your frontal lobes and hypothalamus, right?
So, you actually feel
as though you're really, really there. Yeees!
Fine. Holly, there's something here for you. It's a video letter.
Bung it on.
- Strike a light! It's Gordon.
- Who's Gordon?
The the 11th Generation AI computer aboard
the Scott Fitzgerald. He's got an IQ of 8000.
All right, Hol? It... It's Gordon.
Awesome, his intellect, I tell you.
Just sending on the latest move in our chess game.
My move is pawn, right? That's the little
knobbly ones down the front...
Pawn to King 4. Your move.
Well, I'd better sign off now.
See you, Hol. Bye.
H... How do you turn this off, then?
You were playing postal chess with him, were ya?
Well, a chance to lock horns with an intellect of that calibre, I'd be a fool not to.
Pawn to King 4, eh? He's a sly one.
- So, who's winning, Hol?
- Well, he is really.
That was the first move.
- Me... Me... Me... You... Me...
- It's all junk mail, yours, you know?
Me... Me... Me...
You send off for every bit of rubbish going you do.
Just so you have some mail to open.
Me... Me...
"Please rush me my portable
walrus-polishing kit.
"Four super brushes that will clean even
the trickiest of seabound mammals."
"Yes, I am over 18, although my IQ isn't."
Me... Me...
Smeg! Outland Revenue.
Oh-oh-oh-oh! Outland Revenue.
8,500?!
8,500?! That's a lot of tax, isn't it, Lister.
How on Titan are you going to pay for that, eh?
I'm not. It's yours.
What?!
No. This is wrong. It's wrong. It's well wrong, Lister.
Relax, it doesn't matter now. They're not going to catch you now, are they?
What do you mean? Just because we're three million years
into deep space and human species is extinct?
That means nothing to these people. They'll find us.
- God, I'll be worrying about this all the time now.
- Me... Yo, another one for you.
"Rear Admiral Lieutenant General Rimmer"?!
That's from my mother.
Rear Admiral?
Every time I take an exam. I tell her I've passed.
It's getting embarrassing now. I should be commander and chief of the whole universe.
- Do you want me to open it?
- Open it.
"Dear Rimmer..." Is this from your mum?
That's Mumsie.
This handwriting's terrible.
"I hope this epistle finds you adequately healthy
"to discharge your duties..."
Y'know, maybe I shouldn't
read this deeply personal stuff.
- Just get on with it.
- "I write to..." I can't read that.
Oh, "I write to inform"... "I write to inform you
that your father is dad."
Well, of course he is.
Maybe it's "your father/dad".
- "Dead".
- I can't make it out.
- My father is dead.
- What?
My father is dead.
Oh, yeah, it's an "E"!
That's what it is. Your father's dead, Rimmer!
Oh, eh. Sorry.
Is that all she says?
Just that he passed away peacefully in his Jeep.
Sleep.
- Can't sleep?
- Hmm.
- (SIGHS) No, me, neither.
- Hmmm.
I remember when my dad died you know. I was only six.
I got loads of presents off everyone
like it was Christmas.
I remember wishing a couple more people would die,
so I could complete me Lego set.
My grandma tried to explain, you know. She said
he'd gone away and wasn't coming back.
So, I wanted to know where like. you know?
She said he was very happy and he'd gone
to the same place as me goldfish.
So, I thought they'd flushed him down the bog.
I thought he was just
round the U-bend, you know?
I used to stuff food down
and magazines and that for him to read.
They took me to a child psychologist in the end.
cause they found- they found me with my head down
the bowl reading him the football results.
I knew he was dead.
I mean, they're all dead, aren't they?
But it's just, getting that letter makes it seem
like it happened yesterday.
- You never said much about him.
- No.
- You must have been pretty close.
- Close?
- Sorry. Very close.
- Close?
I hated him.
I detested his fat, stupid guts,
the pop-eyed, balding git.
- Eh?
- He always wanted to join the Space Corps,
be an officer, but they wouldn't take him
because he was an inch below regulation height.
One inch.
I had three brothers.
When we were young, he bought
a traction machine so that he could stretch us.
By the time my brother Frank
was eleven, he was six foot five.
Every morning, he'd measure us.
If we hadn't grown, back on the rack.
Sounds like he had a screw loose.
I don't think he had one screw fully
tightened, to be perfectly honest with you.
He had this fixation that we all
had to get into the Space Corps.
At meal times, he'd ask us questions
on astronavigation.
- If we got them wrong, no food.
- God, Rimmer. How did you cope with that?
I didn't. I nearly died of malnutrition.
I had no idea. I thought you adored your parents.
- When I was 14, I divorced them.
- What?
I took them to court.
I got paid maintenance until employment age
and access every fourth weekend to the family dog.
So, why are you so completely blown away
about him dying, then?
Oh, it doesn't mean to say I didn't respect him, didn't
look up to him. It was only natural. He was my father.
There's nothing natural
about your family, Rimmer.
It's just... I always wanted just once,
just once, for him to say to me, "Well done".
- For what?
- For something, for anything.
I wanted him to be proud of me,
just once. And now...
(CAT) Aow! My stomach has been pumped,
and now I'm hungry.
Hey, there you are!
Hey man, I'm so hungry, I just have to eat.
Rimmer's dad's died.
I'd prefer chicken.
Good evening. Here is the news
on Friday, 27th of Geldof.
Archaeologists near Mount Sinai have discovered
what is believed
to be a missing page from the Bible.
The page is presently being carbon dated in Bonn.
If genuine, it belongs at the beginning
of the Bible, and is believed to read...
"To my darling Candy.
"All characters portrayed
within this book are fictitious.
"and any resemblance to persons living
or dead is purely coincidental "
The page has been universally
condemned by church leaders.
Europe. A terrorist representing the Revolutionary Working
Front, a fanatical left-wing group dedicated to the abolition...
- Listen...
- Pause!
About your father. If it's any help,
he's in the ground now.
Sure, it's bad news for him, but on the other hand
but it's party time for all the little worms.
There's just no consoling him.
Rimmer, listen. Me and the Cat, we're gonna go and play a TIV.
Wondered if you wanted to come?
Oh, come on. Holly says he can key you in.
No?
- Play.
- (TV) ... of the middle-class was arrested today.
The man, Henri Leclerc, was attempting
to poison the mineral spring in France,
which is the source of all the world's Perrier water.
Had he succeeded, experts believe the middle class
would have been wiped out within three weeks.
Techno news. The new sensation
sweeping the solar system
is the total immersion video game
Better Than Life.
Using the new Sensolock feedback technique,
Better Than Life is able to detect all your desires and fantasies
and then make them come true.
So great is the appeal of Better Than Life, when one store
in New Tokyo ran out of stocks,
rubber nuclear weapons had
to be deployed to disperse the crowds.
Sport. England's underwater
hockey team's tour of Titan...
- Better Than Life it is!
- Brilliant!
(CAT) Let's play!
Key me in, Holly.
(SEAGULLS CALL)
What sort of game is this?
It's incredible. It's just like being here.
(LISTER) Yes!
# Boop-boop be doo #
That's what's-her-name,
the actress from the 20th century.
Er... Mary Magdalene.
It's Marilyn Monroe, you gimp.
I think she fancies you.
What does that prove? She's not blind.
Hey, baby. I'm a little busy right now, I'll catch you later, OK?
It's absolutely incredible.
Look! Look!
Excuse me, excuse me. You're probably really busy, but could I just say
but you are my all-time favourite fascist dictator.
And I've read all your war diaries and your Italian campaign was brilliant.
Er... Could you just sign this for me?
Make it out, "To my good pal Arnie
from your dear chum Napoleon Bonaparte."
It's not for me, it's for my sister, Alison.
Er... We call her Arnie.
(MOUTHS) Napoleon!
Napoleon Bonaparte's autograph?!
Gentlemen. Welcome to Better Than Life.
You must be hungry and there's a restaurant just a couple of miles down the beach.
A couple of miles? How are we supposed to get there?
Anyway you want. After all, this is Better Than Life.
Any way we want?
(LISTER LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)
Yo!
I'm thinking too small. Think big!
That's more like it.
(BRASS BAND ON RADIO)
- McGruder!
- Hi, Tiger!
(BOTH GROWL)
I bet you're wearing a
peephole bra under that, eh?
Yes, I am!
We're just one thing away from perfection.
Bliss.
Where's Rimmer?
I thought he was right behind us.
Your caviar vindaloo, sir.
Half rice, half chips and lots more
bread and butter to follow.
I never thought I'd see the day when I
could eat something as classy as this, y'know?
This is Better Than Life, sir.
- And yours was the fish, sir?
- What are you doing?!
I always do this when someone gives me food.
As ordered, sir. A small aquarium.
Are you sure you wouldn't like your fish cooked?
No, sir. I like my food to move.
# I'm going to eat you, little fishy... #
Mr Rimmer... sir.
They're on table K on the second terrace.
Excellent.
# I'm going to eat you, little fishy,
I'm going to eat you, little fishy
# 'Cause I like little fish #
I'm sorry. I don't know what happened.
I was driving along,
and suddenly, there was McGruder.
Well, one thing led to another and...
Good God, this is a great game!
Twice in one lifetime? I'm turning into Hugh Hefner.
- Rimmer, you can touch things!
- I know, why do you think I was so late?
- Have you checked into to your room, yet?
- What room?
I mean mine is absolutely brilliant. I've got this
vibrating leopard-skin waterbed in the shape of a guitar.
Yeah? Well, you should take a look at my wardrobe.
It's so big it crosses an international time zone.
When it's 3:00 where my shirts are,
it's 7 in the morning for my socks.
- (MAN) Admiral?
- But what about my electronic lavvy?
I mean this thing comes when you call it,
takes your trousers down, does everything for ya.
- It's just so stylish.
- (MAN) Admiral...
Who is that? Just because some hoity-toity gonad-brained
gimp knows an Admiral, does he have to broadcast it?
(MAN) Admiral Rimmer, sir.
(FEIGNS A YAWN) Yawn-o-rama city.
We know an Admiral. Come on!
Admiral Rimmer, sir. Field Marshall Clifton
sends his compliments
and wonders if you'd care to join him for port and cigars.
I think there must be some mistake. I'm not an admiral.
I love this game.
Gentlemen, do excuse me.
Dom Perignon '44, sir,
in a pint mug as requested.
Thank you, my man.
That's a good year.
(LAUGHTER)
So, I said to Hollister...
Well, I can't actually remember
exactly what I said to him,
but it was one of the most enormously cruel and
frighteningly witty put-downs ever.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, bravo, sir! Bravo...
Sir, I know it's the most awful bore,
but would you mind just signing this?
What's that, you little pipsqueak?
My Incredible Career by Admiral A J Rimmer.
I've read it 18 times, sir.
- There you go, laddo.
- Thank you, sir. Gosh, I'll be the envy of the academy.
- Father.
- Son.
- What are you doing here?
- I'm sorry to barge in on you
and your officer chummies, but...
- Yes?
- I just wanted to tell you...
- Yes?
- I just wanted to say...
you're a total smeghead!
What? This isn't my fantasy!
No, it's mine.
Yes! Whoo!
Hey, move over, man. I want to plant my egg.
- It's called a ball.
- Are you telling me how to play this game?
You think cats never played golf? OK...
(LISTER MAKES CAR NOISES)
- I'm really thirsty, you know?
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Perhaps a banana bomb, sir.
Thank you, my man.
Hi, sugar!
How's about a little bit of ooby-dooby-doo?
How's about a little bit of ooby-dooby-don't?
What a pest!
All right? What's happening, dudes?
We're having a real nice time.
I'm dating Marilyn Monroe, and also I
have another girlfriend who's a mermaid.
She's half woman, half fish.
It's Miranda, my girlfriend. Yoo-hoo!
Somehow, I imagined she'd be a
woman on top and a fish on the bottom.
No. That's a stupid way round.
(CHILDREN SHOUTING)
(RIMMER) Don't ever do that again!
(McGRUDER) How dare you speak to me like that!
(ARGUING AND SHOUTING)
(RIMMER) Can't you control the children?
- Rimmer, what happened to you?
- Lister.
Ah, this a great game, Lister.
I couldn't be happier.
Who are all those guys?
It's McGruder. She got pregnant,
so this morning, she made me marry her,
and this afternoon, we had seven kids.
Bliss.
Where's your E-Type?
It was too impractical, with all the kids and everything.
Rimmer, you fantasise that you
had seven kids and a mortgage?
(WEAKLY) Help!
Arnold! Where are the nappy sacks?
My brain's rebelled. It just won't
accept nice things happening to me.
It just keeps fantasising... horribleness.
- Mr Rimmer?
- Yes?
Mr Arnold Judas Rimmer?
- Yes.
- Outland Revenue, sir.
Oh, my God!
This is a demand for immediate payment.
18,000!!
If you are unable to pay, sir I am instructed by the Revenue
to break your legs and pull off your thumbs... sir.
What am I going to do? I'm broke.
I'll pay, man. I'll pay- I'll Pay-.
Where's all me money gone?
Oh, no! I just fantasised it all away.
This is getting worse. Help me, please!
Aarrgh, don't move! A huge, black, furry spider
with big teeth just crawled up your trouser leg!
I know! I just put it there! It's the thing I'm afraid of
most in the whole world, a tarantula crawling up my trousers!
- Rimmer, This is getting out of hand!
- Do you think I don't know that?!
Argh! He's passed my knees, into my boxers.
- Close your eyes and wish it away.
- I can't!
- Concentrate, man!
- I can't!
Ah. What's he done now?
- I'm sorry, I'm really sorry!
- What's going on?
Our faces have been smeared with jam and we're about to be eaten alive by killer ants.
- Why?!
- Why not?
Cor, dear. You can't take him anywhere, can you?
- You've ruined this, Rimmer!
- We're going to die! We're going to die and it's my fault!
(ALL SCREAM)
- You're a total dinglebat aren't you, Rimmer?
- I'm sorry!
Yeah, we were having a great time
until you came along with your diseased brain.
You're a bozo.
I can't help it, nice things just don't happen to me.
- Hey, what's that?
- It's a letter and it's for Rimmer.
"Dear sir, due to a computer error,
"you were wrongly informed that you
had failed the astronavigation exam.
"In fact, you passed with honours and you are hereby promoted
to Navigation Officer First Class.
"We enclose your pips and insignia."
Smegging hell!
Who said you was a loser, eh?
Who said nice things never happen to you?
- I did!
- Whoa, we're still in the game!
You certainly are. Now, what about my 18 grand?
Come on, it's bone-crunching time, my old china.
Now, where's those little thumbies?
# It's cold outside
# There's no kind of atmosphere
# I'm all alone, more or less
# Let me fly far away from here
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
# Drinking fresh mango juice
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun #
